I do 99.9% of a job and my wife will complain about the 0.1%.

[victorino]

I want to vent off a little, I guess. But I am also genuinely interested to find out if this is normal behaviour. Are all wives like mine, or am I especially “lucky”.

So here we go. Here’s what happened this morning. I got up, and then prepared breakfast for the kids, changed the baby, made his bottle and fed him. Then got the kids up to the bathroom, got them washed and changed into their school uniforms. Made a coffee for the wife, brought it to her in bed. Made packed lunch. Took kids to school.

Here’s what I did not do: brush my son’s hair (I forgot).

"Did you brush John’s hair", she asked. I said no, but I brushed his teeth. Big scolding / argument ensued because it is apparently essential that I brush his hair every morning before school. Nevermind all the other things I did correctly and on time…

Is this normal, to be so demanding/ungrateful/rude for something so trivial?

RE the hair thing - if OP's wife asked if hair had been brushed, which suggests it's a standard part of the routine, ie necessary. And yes, if a child who was routinely very neat and tidy came in looking scruffy, i would be concerned, especially if it happened repeatedly!

First I would like to thank you all for your replies. All feedback is good feedback, even (especially) the ones that don’t agree with me. Some of your replies made me laugh and cheered me up.

I feel I need to add a bit of context because of some of the replies I received. Yes I do the morning routine and school drop-off almost every day. And yes I work full time and I am the only one working - my wife is stay-at-home mum. I also do all the baths in the evening and the dinners almost every evening. My wife does all the laundry, the shopping and the cleaning. And yes, I have sometimes missed meetings, deadlines or conference calls because of my obligations at home, and I’m very lucky to have understanding/forgiving employer & customers. I guess my frustration comes from the fact that I get stressed having to juggle work commitments and home life, especially since lockdown. Sometimes I feel like my contribution is not recognised, and/or I’m doing more than my fair share. What do you think?

If I was your wife, I'd feel grateful for what you did this morning. I wouldn't raise the lack of hair brushing with you, especially if I'd had a lie in as a result of you doing the morning routine. She sounds like a bitch and you don't need to put up with that.

It is unreasonable of your wife to pick on one thing that you forgot to do, but sadly, there are lots of people who get uptight about tiny issues,and make a big deal out of them. I hope you can forget about it, and that your wife is not moody about it all day.

@Viviennemary

This is abuse. Constant complaining and imposing perfectionism can take a toll on a person's mental health. I think either she changes or you leave. Don't put up with it.

Expecting the parent getting the child ready for school to brush their hair isn't an abusive level of perfectionism for fuck sake. OP why don't you just grow up and do 100% of the job rather than 99%. It sounds like your wife is weary of always having to be the one responsible for making sure everything is 100% done. You clearly don't have that responsibility, you don't carry the mental load. It's tiring.

Something,

Hair unbrushed does not equal scruffy.

You must teach in the most privileged of private schools if you really worry about unbrushed hair. And, even then, I would really hope teachers had a better handle on neglect than to be concerned about unbrushed hair in an otherwise clean, happy and engaged pupil.

Sounds like you’re doing way more than 50%. Does she have health issues?

I don't think your wife is pulling her weight. Is she unwell?

Is there more backstory here? The usual arrangement is that the SAHM make life easier for the working parent by doing school runs and making most meals. I would t be overly happy to be married to a lazy arse - unless there is a good reason and your wife is struggling.

My DH is like this. Always forgets something - so it's not actually helpful because I've got the added job of checking he's managed to complete a task in full.

The double standards on here are unbelievable. Constant nagging and complaining IS abuse. No wonder so many marriages end in divorce.

I must be a very neglectful father then. I have never brushed my children’s hair, except for a lockdown cut.

One has long straight hair (now) and all he needs to do is shake it out, and the other has tight curls and it would be a real palava. They would hate me brushing or combing it.

Presumably someone brushes their hair at some point? I have long, straight hair that dries looking perfect, as if I had straightened it, but if I don't brush it daily, it gets knots. If I didn't brush it for a couple of days, it would start to get matted. My DS has tight curls and my job as a teenager was to brush it for her when she was little because I had the patience and time to do it without pulling.

I can't believe anyone with long or curly hair can get away with never brushing or combing their hair. Of course they don't like it and it's a palaver because it needs untangling, which can hurt. So yes, you are a neglectful father if you let their hair get knotted, or a lazy father if you leave it to their other parent to do it.

Hair unbrushed does not equal scruffy

If I didn't brush/make my kids brush their hair daily i'd never get a brush through it again. Cleaning teeth and brushing hair is pretty basic.

So op what is your wife doing you still haven't said.

Is this an up all night with the baby enabling you to sleep thing or a generally does nothing thing?

Kind of vital information being left out again

@victorino

First I would like to thank you all for your replies. All feedback is good feedback, even (especially) the ones that don’t agree with me. Some of your replies made me laugh and cheered me up.

I feel I need to add a bit of context because of some of the replies I received. Yes I do the morning routine and school drop-off almost every day. And yes I work full time and I am the only one working - my wife is stay-at-home mum. I also do all the baths in the evening and the dinners almost every evening. My wife does all the laundry, the shopping and the cleaning. And yes, I have sometimes missed meetings, deadlines or conference calls because of my obligations at home, and I’m very lucky to have understanding/forgiving employer & customers. I guess my frustration comes from the fact that I get stressed having to juggle work commitments and home life, especially since lockdown. Sometimes I feel like my contribution is not recognised, and/or I’m doing more than my fair share. What do you think?

OP this info changes a lot. Does she have any disabilities?

My DH and I work full time, so my situation is different.

What you are describing is weird and quite the dripfeed.

I wonder how many of you who are talking of ‘mental load’ and ‘having to check’ upon their partner would accept the same in reverse?

Are you all happy to be checked up upon and criticised If you miss out any housework or parenting jobs your partners consider essential? Think about the above, honestly.

Sarah,

Many are equating cleaning teeth with brushing hair. There is no equivalence.

One helps prevent decay and is important to health, the other is mainly for vanity. If not, can anyone point me to one (genuine) health benefit from hair brushing.

Don't you just love MN? Because this was posted by a man he gets torn to shreds. If the exact same post had been made by a woman the responses would have been very different: Why is he lying in his bed whilst you get "his" children ready? Why are you making the lazy POS a cup of tea, doesn't he know how a kettle works? LTB he's a cocklodger, a man-child and he's abusing you.

Why is your wife doing so little? Is there a baby/toddler at home or does she herself have additional needs.

You are doing more than I would expect of my own dh if I was a SAHM with school aged children.

Do you have a tiny baby?

Are you all happy to be checked up upon and criticised If you miss out any housework or parenting jobs your partners consider essential? Think about the above, honestly

The thing about kids is that unlike a basket full of clothes or sink full of washing up they can't be left to prove a point.

Given very often its the mum who's left to deal with the phone call from the school or the trips to the dentist or hairdresser or whatever when it comes to kids it can't just be shrugged off. So however trivial it may seem when your kid gets put in yesterdays jumper with weetabix still down it or with hair that hasn't seen a brush in a week, only someone who didn't have to deal with the consequences would be up im arms about being pulled up on it

Hair brushing daily is not an essential in the real world, especially for a school child.

It one of the basic red flags for safeguarding. Even if you don't think that basic grooming is a necessary part of getting a child ready for school, safeguarding guidelines clearly say otherwise.

Curly hair needs different, careful management I believe.

Here's a wild idea. Talk to your wife about an equitable split of household gruntwork, rather than starting a self-pitying post on the internet about it. You know the dynamics of your relationship, and whether your wife regularly lolls in bed in the mornings while you slave away (!) looking after your children, or whether she's ill or was up all night with the baby.

health benefits to brushed hair? How about being able to get nit comb through it when necessary
..

victorino, if you're not doing a full 50% of emotional as well as physical labour looking after the child, apologise to your wife. It sounds like your decided to play superdad for the day and give her a nice lie in, and instead of getting to relax she's wondering what the hell school will think of her because her child appeared scruffy this morning. You didn't help.

The only time I brushed my son's hair was after washing it. He had short hair, brushing daily was completely unnecessary and made no difference to how it looked. If my husband had tried to chastise me about it (from his bed) he would have got a two word response.

I agree with other posters saying this level of criticism is not on. If the roles were reversed I'd tell you to ltb.