I do 99.9% of a job and my wife will complain about the 0.1%.

[victorino]

I want to vent off a little, I guess. But I am also genuinely interested to find out if this is normal behaviour. Are all wives like mine, or am I especially “lucky”.

So here we go. Here’s what happened this morning. I got up, and then prepared breakfast for the kids, changed the baby, made his bottle and fed him. Then got the kids up to the bathroom, got them washed and changed into their school uniforms. Made a coffee for the wife, brought it to her in bed. Made packed lunch. Took kids to school.

Here’s what I did not do: brush my son’s hair (I forgot).

"Did you brush John’s hair", she asked. I said no, but I brushed his teeth. Big scolding / argument ensued because it is apparently essential that I brush his hair every morning before school. Nevermind all the other things I did correctly and on time…

Is this normal, to be so demanding/ungrateful/rude for something so trivial?

Meh, dont think my ds (13) has brushed his hair in a week. Its clean but unkempt. He can always run his fingers through it to get tangles out. How long is your DS's hair - is it noticeable when its unbrushed?

OP my husband is very similar to you. He does a lot, but will always forget something.

It drives me crazy and I do nag him. I don't forget and he wouldn't forget for himself, but he will forget for the kids and house or chores issues.

To me that says he simply doesn't pay enough attention or care that much. It also makes me have to double and triple che I on everything he does and as a result I don't trust or respect him as he doesn't pull his weight properly.

Note that he never forgets things at work. In fact he is extremely senior and very successful and well regarded. So that annoys me more, as it is clearly selective and speaks volumes about hos priorities and attention.

O am not going to lie, even though he does more than let's say my friends' men do according to them, I have often thought of divorce. At times I can barely stand him.

I'd be grateful to now have the opportunity to improve. If it wasn't pointed out to me I might continue to forget hair brushing and that really wouldn't be fair for my child. If pointed out to me, I can improve and my child gets better care. Win win.

my response to criticism like this is - no not with everything else that needed doing

Although I am of the view should be brushing own hair if greater than 3 yr old

I feel like you're giving us a tiny little corner of a ginormous resplendent oil painting and asking if it's any good. Also as a pp said, posting just to elicit irritated responses. You know perfectly well most people will be overlaying their own experiences anyway (I remind him EVERY DAY, why's it my job to remind him, I was up ten times in the night with the baby, it's what I do every day plus work full time and he wants a medal etc etc).

But quite apart from all that, it sort of is essential people have brushed hair every day for school. The reason is because of what the primary teacher above says. If the school knew it was a dad unused to doing it who'd got the kids ready for school they'd probably laugh indulgently and say it was a one off but if it were a mum there would be a much less indulgent response I'm afraid. That's what you're on the receiving end of right now.

I've never brushed either of my sons hair. They dont really need it. If they are school age , its something they can start to do themeselves. My 2 ds ages 4 and 6 can both get themselves dressed and teeth brushed after some nagging. Now you just need an automatic coffee maker next to the bed and your work is outsourced.
(Completely misses the point).

So you kind of took responsibility for your children for a couple of hours one day, and she should be grateful that you almost got it right?

Grateful

I knew this was going to get interesting op

But seriously?ungrateful?wtf is wrong with your thought process.

Not personal to you as such because I don't know the full situation but there are so many men out there that think women should be fucking grateful for standard shit the women do all the time.

Man jumps in,does it once and then wham we should be grateful. Ffs

Be an adult that's jointly responsible for the little people you've put on the planet

Wow,

I must be a very neglectful father then. I have never brushed my children’s hair, except for a lockdown cut.

One has long straight hair (now) and all he needs to do is shake it out, and the other has tight curls and it would be a real palava. They would hate me brushing or combing it.

However their hair is regularly washed and always clean. I really cannot see any health or educational benefit to hair brushing and I don’t believe a word about the vast majority of teachers caring about hair brushing (unless a child is smelly or otherwise unkempt).

And before I get leapt on, here is a CNN link showing that it is a myth that brushing hair has any health benefits:

edition.cnn.com/2012/01/13/living/hair-myths-o/index.html

So, just to be clear, you would all be perfectly happy with your partner criticising you for one small thing you did that wasn't to their standard and think it's completely acceptable? Really? You'd be happy to be criticised for, say, leaving one spoon out when doing the washing up.

As an aside, the only child here who ever had their hair brushed before school was DD. The boys never needed it.

Putting the OPs situation aside- are some of you SERIOUSLY saying that untidy hair is a signifier for neglect?!
My 4 yo has utterly wild hair. Brush it, don’t brush it- he looks like he’s been dragged through a hedge backwards. Put a bobble in- bobble out in minutes.

It is absolute BALONEY that “in brushed hair” would meet any kind of SS threshold or raise any concerns- except maybe in the minds of some VERY misguided teachers.

I think maybe you should do it properly 🤷

Getting them ready involves say 10 steps. You didn't do all 10 so your wife then still has to get involved. You're not taking over the whole mental load so she still has to be involved.

But maybe you're an amazing husband and maybe she's a terrible wife. Who knows? Hard to judge on one (biased) report of one morning

So, just to be clear, you would all be perfectly happy with your partner criticising you for one small thing you did that wasn't to their standard and think it's completely acceptable? Really? You'd be happy to be criticised for, say, leaving one spoon out when doing the washing up

Depends doesnt it? One off mistake on.an otherwise very busy mornings not so bad.

Something else in a long list of failures to do anything properly meaning I have to go and check everything all the time which is usually harder work than doing it myself in the first place, and having to be grateful they did what I do every day without the gold stars and sky writing then yes that would piss me off.

We need more from you OP. For all we know this is the first time you've ever done this and your dw is on strike in bed.

We need more info of day to day.

Husha,

Would you be happy if your husband gave you a list of 10 things that he viewed as essential regarding your parenting? And then criticised you if you did all bar one of them, and you did not consider the one an essential?

Depends doesnt it?

In this case, no. Something completely insignificant was missed whilst doing the rush job of the morning school run. I bet if anyone's partner had complained about it to them they would have been told to shut the fuck up.

‘The wife’?
No.

So your wife has to deal with the mental load of checking which 0.1% of the job you have not completed? This is half the problem - whilst their dhs may "help" if they don't do the whole job then there remains a huge burden on women to catch what is not being done because if she does not then the dcs suffer (e.g. going to school with unbrushed hair which, frankly, is an intrinsic and important part of getting a child ready for school).

I would be annoyed if my DH responded like this and he would be annoyed if I did too. So I understand why you were irritated.

I am going to get a pasting but if my partner was the type not to be really critical, I'd have said ' oh bother I forgot, sorry I'll make a checklist from now on so I don't forget'

BUT If they were someone who always criticised me, I'd just said yes I brushed his hair and possibly make a note to myself to make sure I did it in future.

Frankly brushing hair is such a small thing and she will never know if you have done it or not so who cares? . Obviously you have to judge how important the 'forgotten thing' is so forgetting their lunch or PE kit or something is not ok but hair brushing? Definitely not worth getting told off for (at least not in my book)

It's interesting that everyone has pulled out the "ungrateful" bit when the OP said "demanding/ungrateful/rude"

The wife was both demanding and rude. And she had coffee in bed so probably should have been grateful for at least that - I would 😂😂

DH regularly sends kids to school without checking they've wiped their faces after breakfast/teeth brushing. Drives me mad. Especially as I know that even though the school know he's their primary carer, I, as the mother, am the one who will be judged.

Having said that, if he's the one getting them ready and out the door, then I might say, every now and again, "please remember to wipe their faces" but I'm not going to have a big ol' go at him. If anyone asked me, or comments, on their dirty face I WOULD 100% say, "yes DH forgets to wash them after breakfast and I'm not always there to check." So yes, people might judge me but I wouldn't be taking it on board.

Ultimately, this little snapshot is insufficient data. Is this the ONE time you've done this and she is understandably annoyed that you can't even do this ONE task correctly? Or is this part of a pattern of constant criticising and carping. Without knowing that, it's impossible to judge this anecdote.

Mrs,

You cannot just state that hair brushing is an ‘intrinsic and important part of getting a child ready for school’. That is just your opinion.

Loads of parents just don’t bother with it (including me). It is totally unnecessary with zero health or educational benefits.

So your wife has to deal with the mental load of checking which 0.1% of the job you have not completed? This is half the problem - whilst their dhs may "help" if they don't do the whole job then there remains a huge burden on women to catch what is not being done because if she does not then the dcs suffer (e.g. going to school with unbrushed hair which, frankly, is an intrinsic and important part of getting a child ready for school)

Yes its usually not just about the hair is it. If someone says they will do something they should do it. If they are frequently unreliable to the point you have to double check everything all the time then that's bloody hard work.

But then men are always hailed heros for doing anything with the kids and women excepted to just pick up the slack and be grateful.

So yes it absolutely depends on whether this is a one off or not.