I do 99.9% of a job and my wife will complain about the 0.1%.

[victorino]

I want to vent off a little, I guess. But I am also genuinely interested to find out if this is normal behaviour. Are all wives like mine, or am I especially “lucky”.

So here we go. Here’s what happened this morning. I got up, and then prepared breakfast for the kids, changed the baby, made his bottle and fed him. Then got the kids up to the bathroom, got them washed and changed into their school uniforms. Made a coffee for the wife, brought it to her in bed. Made packed lunch. Took kids to school.

Here’s what I did not do: brush my son’s hair (I forgot).

"Did you brush John’s hair", she asked. I said no, but I brushed his teeth. Big scolding / argument ensued because it is apparently essential that I brush his hair every morning before school. Nevermind all the other things I did correctly and on time…

Is this normal, to be so demanding/ungrateful/rude for something so trivial?

Sometimes I feel like my contribution is not recognised, and/or I’m doing more than my fair share

@victorino Do you both get the same amount of down time? It's a good way to work out if you are doing your "fair share". Are you doing the school run but your DW is still doing chores in the evening while you watch TV or are you off at the weekends enjoying a hobby while she looks after the DC? Or is she spending the days getting manicures and highlights, and going to the gym while you do the lion's share? If you are missing meetings and deadlines at work, it does sound like you need to reorganise who does what and when though.

I understand you are feeling unappreciated but adults don't really get "recognition" for doing housework, doing their job and looking after their kids. Do you recognise and praise your DW, shower her with appreciation for her laundry skills?

I think that if the op is the one getting the DC ready for the day then it is his standards that should apply.
If I am doing a task and my DH starts advising without me asking for advice I feel disrespected and irritated. If he is doing a job I try very hard not to offer advice and wouldn't criticise even if I could see a better way of doing it. It is a question of manners and respect.

OP, if the roles were reversed and you were a woman (assuming you're a man apologies if not) and came on here to post the exact same thing how you did it all but your husband was moaning about you not doing the kids hair he'd be shot to flames for being an ungrateful prick.

Yes, she's being ungrateful

My mum keeps telling me I do too much at home, and she may be right but every couple have their own dynamics, right?

This doesn't sound like "dynamics" almost sounds like she can't be in the same room as you if she's avoiding coming to bed or won't be in the bathroom helping out.

Something is not quite right here surely.

Have you actually had a conversation?

If you are.missimg Work commitments and she can't get out of bed it sounds pretty chaotic. You both really should have things down by now. Are you sure shes OK? Do you talk at all?

I dont think you should start keeping track of who does what. You all work for the team/family. I do all the day to day care of the dc. My DH doesnt do much of laundry, cooking, ckeaning, taking care of baby, buying clothes... but he does work full time and does 99% of DIY, life admin...
But you cant keep track of what each does. Of course you're not going to love all your tasks (i hate cooking he hates diy) but you do it for the team.
If your wife wants the kids to have theor hair brushed she xan get up and brush their hair.
If you think you are doing too much and are stressed you need to ask your wife if she can do more.

Sarah,

I am 100% sure that if a man was lying in bed when his wife was doing everything, having watched Netflix into the early hours, your response would be ‘are you sure he is ok, do you talk?’....

Absolutely @larrygrylls.

Sounds like Sarah is looking for excuses for this woman tbh.

Think your wife needs to step up, she is being selfish.

@victorino I think for me one key question in all of this is what would happen if the situation were reversed? For example, you say your wife does all the cleaning. What would happen if, say, one week she forgot to clean the bath? Would you ask her about it? How would she react to being asked about it?

Gosh if you work full time and your wife is a SAHM I think you are great. I certainly wouldn't worry about a child's hair not being brushed if you did everything else. It sounds like the distribution of tasks are not very fair. She sounds super lazy and not very nice.

I am a SAHM but studying and I have constant arguments with Dh as he expects me to do it all whereas I expect him to do some things. No way would he routinely get the kids ready for school etc like that all the time, if I ask and I have something on her would but not regularly.

I'd have been delighted if either of my husbands could have been bothered to do anything at all.
My 2nd husbands idea of doing a tidy in the kitchen was to wipe the counter with a damp cloth literally just moving the grease around from one place to another in circles and leave all the stuff from the dishwasher sitting out on the side. Never put anything away and expected to be praised for cleaning his own house.
I prefer to live alone these days, it's very stressful having to clear up after other people 24/7.
When I got to work this morning I realised I had forgotten to brush my own hair

That does seem trivial, but it feels like your wife is frustrated/stressed/flustered, triggered by John's hair.

I have to say, for things you "do correctly and on time", when related to children, should not require gratitude or reminding. Does she remind or thank you when you wash yourself, take yourself to work or brush your own hair?

I often have to tell DH off because he does the bare minimum and everything 'half way' - dishes still greasy requiring a rewash, laundry dumped on bed requiring someone to fold away, forgetting to put fruit in the lunchbox or something unhealthy/not allowed requiring me to redo it, sorting out nits, needing to be reminded on school/diary matters etc etc etc. However, I am appreciative of the things he does do around the house well and I do care for, like mowing the lawn and washing the driveway, because I do these things sometimes and it is so unbearably dull, i'd rather do a month's laundry than mow the lawn. Generally it requires me to throw some tantrums before my DH moves his arse, but maybe you can tell me the husband perspective.

I got told off by nursery for leaving my dd's hair unbrushed once. Long time ago but I have not forgotten the shame.

I'd formally complain about a nursery that told me off about not brushing a small child's hair. Seriously, they're not in charge of you. I'd have been angry rather than ashamed if I felt I'd been told off by a nursery nurse about my child's hair.

Even if it's that the hair is long and gets in the way if not tied up, telling a parent off is not acceptable. You'd approach it as a request that her hair is tied up so that she can do X, Y or Z at nursery, not a telling off for being remiss as a parent.

btw i do not brush either of my kid's hair and have never done so. if their hands work, and they don't mind looking scruffy, and choose not to brush their hair... it's their business.

The typical MN response to a man doing that is assuming he's autistic.

I asked if everything was OK cos something sounds really odd here. Ajd wondered if there's any underlying anaemia or PND from having the baby which of course men wouldn't have been able to do so wouldnt apply would it

If you're happy doing the lions share, that's fine, this works for some couples.
She's going to have to accept things done how you like them though, not expect you to do things how she likes them, you're not a servant. Does she dictate how you should do other things as well? Like what should be in the children's packed lunches?

I have to say, for things you "do correctly and on time", when related to children, should not require gratitude or reminding

Who gets to decide what 'correctly' and 'on time' actually mean though?

I'm not trying to make excuses for anyone.

The op has massively been drip feeding fir starters so naturally one wonders what other info is missing

I would be annoyed if my husband took my DC to school with unbrushed hair yes.

But also I wouldn't be laying in bed whilst my DH did all this by himself every morning. As a one off if you've had a bad night fair enough, but not every day.
Even if DH is taking them to school for me for some reason I still get up and help get them ready.
I can see why you're annoyed.

@larrygrylls

Sarah,

I am 100% sure that if a man was lying in bed when his wife was doing everything, having watched Netflix into the early hours, your response would be ‘are you sure he is ok, do you talk?’....

Men don't suffer from PND though. It's a valid point considering that the OP says they have a baby.

Unlike the OP, you are coming across as an absolute charmer @larrygrylls. If you don't ever brush your DC's hair, who does? Who checks for/deals with nits? I find it hard to believe that a child with curly hair and a child with long hair don't have a head of matted hair if it is never brushed.

She sounds like a lazy mare.......if my dp was pulling that stunt and moaning about me not getting everything right whilst carrying all the slack I'd be having words.

Sarah,

It might come as a shock to you that men can have health issues, too. In fact our longevity is lower than yours thanks to that pesky Y chromosome, so we don’t have the failsafe of an extra X chromosome.

But, back to reality, it is generally the done thing here to accept an OP’s account at face value (or ask to clarify). He has explained that his wife was tired because of a late night. I am sure that, if she had anaemia, he might have mentioned it.

Of course there are many explanations on every single thread that would change the entire thrust. However, assuming the OP is generally wrong and/or a liar (which you are just about skirting around saying directly) is called troll hunting and is not thought well of.

If you don't ever brush your DC's hair, who does?

I don't even brush my own hair unless it's just been washed. My hair looks just fine.

It's a shame you didn't include the fact that you work and she's a sahp in the op. Renders the first bunch of posts up till your update pointless, as everyone made their own assumptions.
Of course yanbu.