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I do 99.9% of a job and my wife will complain about the 0.1%.

265 replies

victorino · 13/07/2020 12:15

I want to vent off a little, I guess. But I am also genuinely interested to find out if this is normal behaviour. Are all wives like mine, or am I especially “lucky”.

So here we go. Here’s what happened this morning. I got up, and then prepared breakfast for the kids, changed the baby, made his bottle and fed him. Then got the kids up to the bathroom, got them washed and changed into their school uniforms. Made a coffee for the wife, brought it to her in bed. Made packed lunch. Took kids to school.

Here’s what I did not do: brush my son’s hair (I forgot).

"Did you brush John’s hair", she asked. I said no, but I brushed his teeth. Big scolding / argument ensued because it is apparently essential that I brush his hair every morning before school. Nevermind all the other things I did correctly and on time…

Is this normal, to be so demanding/ungrateful/rude for something so trivial?

OP posts:
Are your children’s vaccines up to date?
larrygrylls · 13/07/2020 14:13

Wtf,

This is not a thread about my children’s hair, thanks and I, thus, will not engage.

Suffice it to say that hair comes a long way down my parenting priorities. I suspect that we all have different priorities and would not tolerate some things that others would regard as normal, and vice versa.

I have asked many to tell me any genuine benefit of brushed hair and, aside from nits, which we have successfully dealt with twice without any issues, answer has come there none. Ditto, when actually asked to evidence the safeguarding guidance.

I don’t think it a great idea on a parenting site to criticise other parents about trivial things.

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 13/07/2020 14:16

@StuffThem

victorino, if you're not doing a full 50% of emotional as well as physical labour looking after the child, apologise to your wife. It sounds like your decided to play superdad for the day and give her a nice lie in, and instead of getting to relax she's wondering what the hell school will think of her because her child appeared scruffy this morning. You didn't help.
Didn't help?

He got the kids up, including the baby. Fed them, got them washed and dressed, did thier lunches, took her a coffee while she lazed in bed and then took them to school

Did you read the update that he works full time and she's a SAHM

Gogogadgetarms · 13/07/2020 14:16

Wow can I swap places with your wife?!

Not sure how you arrived at this split if she’s a SAHM but there you go.

The thing is, you’ve assumed responsibility for the morning routine and that includes brushing your child’s hair, so is she BU for being a bit annoyed that you forgot? Maybe not.

However this is a really unbalanced split.

In a BAU world as a SAHM I get both kids up. Do breakfast, get them washed, dressed, hair and teeth brushed, take to school and nursery. Do all washing, cleaning, tidying, pick kids up, prepare dinner and do bed and bath by myself Monday to Friday. DH works and is responsible for house admin.

In a lockdown world DH does breakfast and nursery run then starts work for 8.30 while i do school run, nursery pick up, lunch for me and him, dinner for all of us, all washing, cleaning, tidying and bed and bath for both children (while DH is still working).

This feels like a fair split to me.

You need to renegotiate who does what.

MummytoCSJH · 13/07/2020 14:16

Totally agree @wearywithteens. OP frankly I think you're expecting praise for doing the bare minimum. I know you say you do lots of little jobs and it's hard work but it's what a lot of women and most parents have to do all the time. It's not demanding of her to expect them from her child's father. These jobs are part and parcel of being a parent and you shouldn't need reminding to do them - mum or dad - nor expect praise for doing them.

If you think your wife is not 'pulling her weight' on a basis you've agreed that is a separate issue.

lookatmememe · 13/07/2020 14:17

I read this out to my DH. I wondered what his point of view might be. He said type this 'he's are a parent and that's parenting, pointing out the bit he forgot is just like me telling my colleague they forgot something, if I kept quiet he'd keep forgetting' (I'm still waiting for him to say that your wife sounds just like me, am surprised he didn't ! )
DH and I don't thank eachother much for our contributions verbally, but little things done for each other equate to thanks. If it's all one sided in your relationship, I'd be looking at why ? Best of luck !

Tootletum · 13/07/2020 14:17

Oh dear, well I can look forward to a visit from social services then, as my kids usually look like they've been dragged through a hedge backwards!

SimonJT · 13/07/2020 14:19

@Tootletum

Oh dear, well I can look forward to a visit from social services then, as my kids usually look like they've been dragged through a hedge backwards!
Me too! My sons goes into a cloth bun on a Sunday night and stays there until the following sunday. The judge obviously shouldn’t have granted that adoption order!
Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 13/07/2020 14:21

@larrygrylls

Wtf,

This is not a thread about my children’s hair, thanks and I, thus, will not engage.

Suffice it to say that hair comes a long way down my parenting priorities. I suspect that we all have different priorities and would not tolerate some things that others would regard as normal, and vice versa.

I have asked many to tell me any genuine benefit of brushed hair and, aside from nits, which we have successfully dealt with twice without any issues, answer has come there none. Ditto, when actually asked to evidence the safeguarding guidance.

I don’t think it a great idea on a parenting site to criticise other parents about trivial things.

You might be quick to reach for a hairbrush when a pesky knot shows face, but detangling is only half the benefit of brushing your strands. “Brushing hair is usually for two reasons: To detangle or to brush for shine and health,” says Adams. “The sebaceous glands produce oil to lubricate the scalp and hair, brushing is a good way to distribute the natural oils through the hair to the ends, resulting in shiny hair after brushing,” he adds. Your roots will even get less oily and you won’t need to use as much dry shampoo. On top of that, we lose an average of 100 hairs per day, so “brushing the hair is a good way to remove the loose hair.”

An animated illustration of a woman sitting on a couch brushing her hair and watching Netflix.
Caroline Smith
In addition to brushing for hair health and sleek, tangle-free strands, the scalp can also benefit from a good comb-through. Adams suggests giving the scalp a thorough brush before shampooing. Using an exfoliating brush like the Aveda Pramasana Exfoliating Brush, Adams says to “move [the brush] all around the scalp in circular movements,” starting at the front hairline and working your way around until you cover your entire head. “Hair is fed by the bloodstream and brushing the scalp encourages blood to rise to the surface of the scalp, causing micro-circulation. This increases blood flow to the hair follicle, which in turn stimulates hair growth.” He also notes that flipping your head upside down can increase blood flow to the scalp, which may promote hair growth.

What Happens if You Brush Too Much?
With its impressive benefits, it is hard to believe that there is such a thing as too much brushing. Adams says this is particularly true when using a plastic brush or brushing too vigorously. “Brushing the hair too much may cause friction and damage the cuticle [aka the outside layer of the strand] this, in turn, causes breakage and split ends,” he explains. “If the hair is sensitive due to chemical services, the hair will already be porous and damaged so extra caution is advised when brushing. Naturally fine and weak hair must be brushed carefully,” he adds.

As a rule of thumb, Adams says to stick to that twice a day recommendation — unless you have curly or ultra-textured hair, then brushing before shampoo is best. However, “people with curly [or] highly textured hair [should] not brush their hair very often if they like to keep it in the natural texture,” he notes. If you love your curl and texture, Adams recommends laying off the hairbrush, as “it will take out the curl.”

Proper Brushing Techniques
When it comes to combing through the hair, it is all about how you do it. “The classic technique of brushing hair — head down, bending from the waist, slowly and gently brush from the nape of the neck, up through the sides of the crown, slowly working to the front of the head. Then, stand up straight and repeat the whole process — is best,” explains Adams. “If you have long hair, however, work on the ends first so you don’t move the knots down by starting at the scalp.”

Adams warns against brushing hair while wet. “When hair is wet, it will stretch to three times its original length and return to normal when dry,” he explains. “If the hair has been damaged by chemical treatments or if the hair is naturally fine or weak, brushing when wet may stretch the hair and break it,” he adds. Should you wish to brush your hair when wet, he says “it is always better to apply conditioner in the shower and use a wide tooth comb to comb out the hair, then rinse and comb again.”

Hair Brush Lineup
An illustration of different brushes and combs on a marble countertop along with hair ties and bobby pins.
Caroline Smith
For the most part, we need a brush for detangling, a brush for styling, and a brush — or comb, rather — for wet strands. And, brush care is equally as important as the type of brush you use. “Brushes should be cleaned at least once a week,” explains Adams. “Depending on the type of brush, remove hair by using a comb, cotton swab, or an old toothbrush,” he adds. As for the actual cleaning process, Adams says any gentle cleansing product (such as liquid soap or even shampoo) will work. To clean, dampen the brush with lukewarm water and apply the cleaning solution. Like your scalp, lather the bristles and then rinse with warm water. Make sure to dry your brush before using again and follow up with a disinfectant. “Gentle disinfectants come in liquid or spray form,” notes Adams. The same applies when you visit a hair salon or blow dry bar — make sure the tools are disinfected before your styling or blowout begins.

Another tip for keeping your brushes clean and in tip-top shape? “Never let anyone use your brush or use anyone else’s.” Using someone else’s brush (or sharing yours) can add bacteria, oil, and other impurities to your hair and scalp. That said, if you happen to share, Adams says “make sure it is thoroughly cleaned before and after use.”

The types of hair brushes for your arsenal
Boar Bristle Brush
Mason Pearson Boar Bristle Brush
Courtesy Mason Pearson
“If brushing for health, shine and detangling, then a boar bristle brush is required,” explains Adams. Brushing with boar bristles can help gently break up tangles and knots while distributing natural oils and promoting a sleeker appeal. When it comes to boar bristle brushes, Adams turns to his trusted Mason Pearson. Albeit on the pricey side of the spectrum, it’s one that will last you a very long time. Don’t want to take the plunge on a Mason Pearson just yet? Check out the Harry Josh Premium Oval brush, which is a mix of natural boar and nylon bristles and can be used on wet or dry hair.

Styling Brush
MEDIUM 7 ROW STYLISH BRUSH
Courtesy Denman
“If the brush is for blow drying and hair styling, then different brushes will be needed,” explains Adams. “This will be based on styling regimen — a Denman brush for straighter hair, paddle brush for wrap drying, or a round brush to create volume, waves and curls,” he adds. As far as stylish brushes are concerned, Adams prefers the Denman Medium 7 Row Stylish Brush for straight styles and the R Session Tools 2” Boar Bristle Round Ceramic Brush for blowouts and volume.

Comb
ANTI-STATIC HORN WIDE TOOTH HAIR COMB
Courtesy Pureglo
Adams suggests adding a wide tooth comb to your arsenal, too. The spaces in a wide tooth comb allow for gentle brushing that does not pull or damage strands. In addition, these combs can help gently brush wet, conditioned hair in the shower without causing breakage. Whether you comb in the shower or after a good rinse and repeat, Adams always relies on the Pureglo Anti-Static Horn Wide Tooth Hair Comb.

Wet Brush
CLASSIC DETANGLER
Courtesy Wet Brush
If you have to reach for a brush instead of a comb for wet strands, Adams recommends a Wet Brush, which is made specifically for brushing damp strands. Adams swears by the Wet Brush Classic Detangler.

Japanese Tsuge Wood Brush
JAPANESE TSUGE BRUSH
Courtesy Nihon Ichiban
“Tsuge is more commonly known as boxwood, [which] is naturally oily so the wooden pins glide through the hair,” explains Adams. “When used on the scalp, the rounded pins are thought to stimulate acupressure points on the scalp,” he adds. Did the Japanese Tsuge Brush intrigue you? If so, Adams says to try this brush from Nihon Ichiban.

As for what size brush to use, “the size of [the] brush really depends on the size of your hands,” says Adams. “Some prefer a larger brush for longer hair and a handbag size for daily use or travel purposes,” he adds. In addition, Adams recommends investing in your brush. “A good brush will benefit the hair greatly and last a long time.”

© 2020 Sunday Edit

That's why

WTFisthisabout · 13/07/2020 14:21

@KenDodd

If you don't ever brush your DC's hair, who does?

I don't even brush my own hair unless it's just been washed. My hair looks just fine.

So you brush your hair every few days. Larrygrylls, not the OP, is claiming that he has 2 DC, one with long hair and one with curly hair, and he has only brushed their hair once since lockdown because they don't like it and it's "a palaver" and there are "no health benefits in brushing hair". Either they look like they have been dragged through a hedge backwards with a head full of knots or someone else is dealing with "the palaver".
GrumpyHoonMain · 13/07/2020 14:22

OP I think you need to sit down with your wife and ask her to go back to work. Clearly being a SAHM is not for her if she’s unable to get the kids ready in the morning for school. Your mum is right you are doing too much.

Pantheon · 13/07/2020 14:23

Is it possible your wife's depressed?
I think you need to talk with her about how it feels to be nitpicked if this happens often, and how you can balance out your roles better. I would be upset if my dh pulled me up on things I'd occasionally forgotten, especially if I was running around and he was just watching TV. Maybe you need to share the load on a morning?

larrygrylls · 13/07/2020 14:24

Flutter,

I linked to a CNN article up thread showing those health benefits are myths. Take a look at it.

Rosehip345 · 13/07/2020 14:25

Yep it’s normal. The fact that you only did 99.9% is a pain in the arse because the 0.1% still isn’t done. This sounds like normal stuff anyway not the sort of thing that would be forgotten? I take it it’s her ‘job’ usually?

arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2020 14:26

The hair thing would ONLY be a safeguarding issue if there were other issues. Scruffy hair on its own in an otherwise perfectly happy well cared for child would not be an issue. When my Dd was 4ish and had long curly hair I didn't brush it every day because it hurt her. I don't feel it was worth it. It went in a pony that day and was only brushed on hair wash day.

larrygrylls · 13/07/2020 14:29

www.nzherald.co.nz/lifestyle/news/article.cfm?c_id=6&objectid=11585033

And here is another article saying brushing is unnecessary.

If it makes you or your children feel good, cool, but it is nothing more than a style/beauty choice.

SarahTancredi · 13/07/2020 14:30

larry

I'm certainly not troll hunting. Its hardly my fault that there are a few holes in senario.

Which is why I suggested they need to talk because that may reveal vital information. Whether that be confirming his suspicions or whether that may he finding out that something is indeed wrong.

Hes not gonna know until he talks to her. Maybe his mum.can babysit

AddressLabel · 13/07/2020 14:30

@victorino

First I would like to thank you all for your replies. All feedback is good feedback, even (especially) the ones that don’t agree with me. Some of your replies made me laugh and cheered me up.

I feel I need to add a bit of context because of some of the replies I received. Yes I do the morning routine and school drop-off almost every day. And yes I work full time and I am the only one working - my wife is stay-at-home mum. I also do all the baths in the evening and the dinners almost every evening. My wife does all the laundry, the shopping and the cleaning. And yes, I have sometimes missed meetings, deadlines or conference calls because of my obligations at home, and I’m very lucky to have understanding/forgiving employer & customers. I guess my frustration comes from the fact that I get stressed having to juggle work commitments and home life, especially since lockdown. Sometimes I feel like my contribution is not recognised, and/or I’m doing more than my fair share. What do you think?

I think you now are beginning to understand how shit it is to be a woman.
KenDodd · 13/07/2020 14:30

When hair is wet, it will stretch to three times its original length

Three times the length? I don't think so!

midnightstar66 · 13/07/2020 14:31

If this was the other way round and a husband was berating his wife for forgetting to do one minor thing in a hectic routine while he lay in bed with a coffee there would be shouts of abuser and ltb surely. The occasional unbrushed hair is not a safeguarding concern 🙄

KenDodd · 13/07/2020 14:32

OP

Do you think your sons hair needs brushing every morning? How does it look if it's not brushed?

Pr1mr0se · 13/07/2020 14:32

I think there is something else going on and it really wasn't about the hair. Try and have a quiet chat about what happened this evening - once the kids are in bed. Hope your day has improved.

romeolovedjulliet · 13/07/2020 14:33

sounds like you are doing more than your fair share and your wife sounds abit lazy tbh esp. as she is a sahm.

rhowton · 13/07/2020 14:34

@Immigrantsong are you secretly me??

People around us often say that I'm a nag. I feel like I wouldn't "nag"/ask more than twice, if I was listened to and heard. I really take it personally. My DH is also quite senior and well respected at work for being organised and able.

arethereanyleftatall · 13/07/2020 14:45

Regardless of the hair brushing, it doesn't sound like you or your wife like each other very much.

Flutterpieandpinkieshy · 13/07/2020 14:51

@larrygrylls

Flutter,

I linked to a CNN article up thread showing those health benefits are myths. Take a look at it.

Actually they're not.

I'm a woman with waist length hair. I lose a hell of a lot of hair each day, if I don't brush it I know for a fact it becomes matted to the point it has to be cut out, when it gets that matted it's uncomfortable and pulls on the scalp, it gets greasy quicker and feels like straw.