I do 99.9% of a job and my wife will complain about the 0.1%.

[victorino]

I want to vent off a little, I guess. But I am also genuinely interested to find out if this is normal behaviour. Are all wives like mine, or am I especially “lucky”.

So here we go. Here’s what happened this morning. I got up, and then prepared breakfast for the kids, changed the baby, made his bottle and fed him. Then got the kids up to the bathroom, got them washed and changed into their school uniforms. Made a coffee for the wife, brought it to her in bed. Made packed lunch. Took kids to school.

Here’s what I did not do: brush my son’s hair (I forgot).

"Did you brush John’s hair", she asked. I said no, but I brushed his teeth. Big scolding / argument ensued because it is apparently essential that I brush his hair every morning before school. Nevermind all the other things I did correctly and on time…

Is this normal, to be so demanding/ungrateful/rude for something so trivial?

Wow... never thought this post would gain so much traction. So thank you all for all your comments and replies. Some of you feel they need more info from me, don't know why, but here we go. We have 4 kids together (yes they are all ours) aged 8, 6, 5 and 18m. The eldest does not go to school at the moment due to COVID-19 restrictions. The 6yo and 5yo go to school. The baby obviously stays home. I usually do the home schooling videos with my eldest in the morning, whenever I can. My DW studies an online course. I used to go to work every day but since COVID started I've been working from home. It can be tough because anyone can just barge into the office mid-conference call. Also I just want to clarify that my DW does not stay in bed all morning, every morning! It was more like a one-off. During the week, she usually helps me by preparing the school uniforms, putting shoes on, etc. Some people asked if I get a lie-in on week-ends.... LOL to that! Nope, never, as anyone with a baby will be able to testify...

I wanted to talk about some comments that mentioned the "mental load". Yes, I get that. I read about it, I understand. And I think it's perfectly valid, but really it should apply only to important matters like a hospital appointment or a car service or a deadline for paying a bill, etc. Not hair brushing! I guess what I'm trying to say is, I may have different priorities or standards than my DW (in my line of work we call that AQL for "acceptable quality level"). Judging by the comments on here, I'm not the only one. Lots of people commented that brushing the hair is extremely important, while lots of others commented the exact opposite. I'm not saying one is right and one is wrong, I'm saying that problems arise when 2 people in a couple have differing views on what's important and what's not. My wife thinks that hoovering the kitchen 3 times per day is important. I don't. She also changes all the kids outfits every single day. I think that jumpers can survive being worn a couple of days before being put in the wash. My DW cannot stand leaving the bin overnight in the kitchen even if it's half empty, so I put it out each evening, even if for me this is totally unnecessary and a waste of a bin bag. You see, different levels of importance or acceptable levels make for a lack of understanding that leads to frustration, resentment and eventually arguments. How do you guys feel about that, and how do you deal with that on a daily basis? (please share any trade secrets if you have any!)

Hmm, I can't get past putting the bin bag out every night What about the environment?

My DP would say that he doesn't do things because I would say that he does them wrong because I'm a control freak (eg my acceptable levels are too high) - I think tbh its bollocks my standards are pretty low (my mother laughed at the idea of me having high cleaning standards)- I don't know how you balance the difference- you either have to agree the standards to which each task needs to be done (my DP would say this was control freakery) or the person with the highest standards does the work (this seems to be my DP's answer- which involves me doing the work?)
so I don't know- have you sat down and said to your wife that you think things can be done to x standard and agreed a standard? I think the thing that annoys me is that DP agrees that something needs doing -say cleaning includes hoovering the sofa (for example) and then doesn't do it - In my opinion he should either be honest and say he doesn't think it needs doing or do it!

I have hair almost to my shoulders and rarely brush it. It’s fine...........

I am literally only still reading because I want to know who brushes larry's kids' hair. I'm willing to take bets that someone does.

Judging by what you say you do you are def doing your fair shAre , prob and some assuming your wife hasnt any illness etc ,therefore my reply would of been well you can always get up and help
You forgot to brush his hair not feed him
I was a sahm and im sure I forgot to brush their hair and i know I forgot pe kits etc ( had to take them in later ) my dh would of known better than to comment , he once commented on what i did all day so the next day i did nothing so he soon see what happened if i actually just drank coffee all day .

@MummytoCSJH and @wearywithteens
Did you not reAd op update he works full time and does mornings every day and wife is sahm , have you never forgot to do anything for your child like take back a letter , not brush hair etc as morning is hectic
If you did would you be happy your dh pulled you up on it whilst they were sat in bed and he fact you do it daily
How would you feel if you dh called you back after you hoovered to say you missed a bit of something similar
He forgot to brush his sons hair no one would be hurt or damaged by this

Op your last update clarified you wife does help normally so does she normally do hair brushing or remind you daily so shes peeved that you forgot ?
Regarding standards that you each have you have to just discuss and compromise i suppose
Im not keen on how dh does washing so tend to do it first so done to my standards , he doesn't think I mow the lawn well so he does it
So essentially we do the things that bother is most outselfs as cant be critical of the other and anything else we just meet in middle , we prob have similar standards in most things though
I do remember when dc were small if he was getting them dressed or i went Away i often left their clothes out otherwise i always came back to a pair of children who had each others clothes on and a mismatch of anything , so if i forgot i just had to accept that he had no concept of dressing small children

Op your last update clarified you wife does help normally so does she normally do hair brushing or remind you daily so shes peeved that you forgot ?
Regarding standards that you each have you have to just discuss and compromise i suppose
Im not keen on how dh does washing so tend to do it first so done to my standards , he doesn't think I mow the lawn well so he does it
So essentially we do the things that bother is most outselfs as cant be critical of the other and anything else we just meet in middle , we prob have similar standards in most things though
I do remember when dc were small if he was getting them dressed or i went Away i often left their clothes out otherwise i always came back to a pair of children who had each others clothes on and a mismatch of anything , so if i forgot i just had to accept that he had no concept of dressing small children

You sound like a great dh op!

All couples have arguments and disagreements because we are all different we have different values and priorities it’s all in our genres and our upbringings. As long as your compatible in many other things then I think it’s healthy to share different views (compliment each other) my dh wouldn’t have prioritised teeth cleaning he would have probably done the hair though and I personally would have been annoyed if he’d missed the teeth.

All the things I read on mums net and all the abuse people go through in relationships I don’t think you need to worry about these small things.

Enjoy your family respect and look after you wife and hopefully she will do the same you sound like you have something special. 😊

I can see your point. It does sound a bit nit picking. She should just let you get on with it. If you forgot his hair it's no big deal.

Hi OP,

You sound like a great Dad who loves his kids and is very hands on. (BTW I'm sure your wife also loves the kids and works hard). However you are doing much more than your equal part, if this was the other way around many of the posts would be very different IMO.
Could you sit down with your wife and explain that you don't appreciate her being so critical of you, for always highlighting the small things you haven't done.
The bin bag scenario is key, your wife doesn't like the bin being left overnight even if it's half full, well why doesn't she empty it then?! Plus I agree on the environmental side of it, unless a bin smells I.e. in warm weather I don't see why it needs emptying daily unless it's full. She seems to fixate on very minor things, is she always like this about everything?

You mention that you have been late to work commitments before due to your home life. This isn't right, I think the morning routine should be led much more by your wife and you should concentrate on the evening routine which would seem much more fair as she has looked after the children all day.
You should both have some time each week to yourselves. I.e a lie in each and some time to rest, go for a

walk, whatever.
Communicating is key. Would you say the relationship is good in other ways. Do you love each other? Are you both generally happy?
I can't see this as being sustainable, resentment will just build up over time if you don't address this and agree a way forward for both of you.

I would say if she's the SAHP and you're away at work then she needs to be doing either the kids morning routine or evening routine. It doesn't seem fair you're doing both.
In regards to the comment on brushing hair, dh NEVER brushes DD hair before bed and she always wakes up with it really knotty and then I have a job of brushing it the next day with her screaming. This is something I've reminded him of over and over again so it really pisses me off that he doesn't just do it! But if your situation was a one off when rushing then I'd say she's BU.

Yes I do the morning routine and school drop-off almost every day.

Also I just want to clarify that my DW does not stay in bed all morning, every morning! It was more like a one-off.

I wonder what else was an exaggeration.

Two pronged answer. Admit that that is not 99.99% of household / family labour, so, no medals for getting your child ready, but in sympathy with you here, you have to say 'i did the tasks in order of importance'

My x was critical. I did 100% of houeswork and childcare because he worked. Ie earned.
I realise now i should have said "no, i am sitting down now. If you want to clean the pan before you eat you do it but i am going to eat."

My x wanted me to do everything but do it his way.

I feltvresponsibility for "my" role but had to meet his standards not my own.

Obviously i was a doormat and came to my senses but a lot of my frustration came from situations like you describe.

Your motto should be i will do it, i will do it my way.

Dont do it badly on purpose i dont mean that.

I think there are bigger issues here, putting the bin out nightly, and hoovering three times a day seems excessive to me. I’d be annoyed if my husband was doing that and expected me to get involved.

Unless there are circumstances you have not mentioned Ie you have mice /rats, and the kids spread crumbs and shit all over the floor so she quickly hoovers after meals. In that case her behaviour is completely correct.

Well I think that situation was just one example rather than an exhaustive list @KetoWinnie . However I too have had a critical partner, I'm not even sure he meant to be, just so set in his ways - why do you peel the potatoes like that? Why did you put the plate that way in the dryer? Oh I hang that the other way? Why do your jeans look funny? (just got up after lying on the sofa). All really minor stuff but that makes you feel on edge doing anything even though I did happily challenge him each time . It's maybe why I'm feeling sympathetic to OP's plight.

I think if your wife doesn't like things like the bin or outfits being worn again she needs to deal with these issue not you. Very bad for the environment. We have a food caddy which is helpful

Plus I think she should cook for you in the evening if you have been out at work or homeworking even

To be fair I wouldn’t be happy with a bin being left in the house for more than a day if it had something in it, I empty all of ours everyday. I wouldn’t expect someone else to do it if they thought every 2/3 days was okay nor would I moan at them for doing it their way.

@SimonJT

And that's fine because, as you said, ' I wouldn’t expect someone else to do it'. We all have our 'things' that were a little anal about always getting done or has to be done the 'right way' - that's human nature, and that's fine. What's not fine is forcing or expecting other people to pander to it. If you want to make sure something non-essential is done or you want something done a certain way you have to get up and do it yourself, not make anyone else pander to you.

I get it I really do, I have a 'thing' about how the bed has to be made so I always make the bed myself or if DP has made it but made it 'wrong' quietly re make it to suit my standards, I wouldn't impose them on him. Hair brushing, clearly demonstrated on this thread, is a non-priority for some people whilst others place massive importance on it. It's not something like teeth brushing where not doing it will have a negative long term impact. Therefore is OP and his DW have different standards of what constitutes ready for school RE hair brushing it's up to the DW to make sure it's 'correct' to her specific standards, not put the load on her husband to pander to her 'thing'.

If you want to make sure something non-essential is done or you want something done a certain way you have to get up and do it yourself, not make anyone else pander to you.

You nailed it.

I appreciate all your responses. While very entertaining, a lot of comments about the benefits of brushing hair have sorely missed the point :) This post is not about John’s hair. It’s not even about how to split tasks and responsibilities in a relationship. It’s about the fact that, if I’m doing a job and I’m doing the vast majority of it right, I do not want to be criticised for one or two details that I overlooked or didn’t do correctly. Especially if “correctly” is based on one partner’s definition of the word and not the other (we all have different AQLs i.e. levels of acceptability). If brushing my son’s hair is really important to my DW, then a gentle nudge/reminder would be fine, or she can fix it herself (which she did). But how do you justify a full-on argument with shouting over my sentences and bad language!? Someone asked if I shower my DW with compliments for her laundry skills… LOL to that! No, I do not. But I certainly do not criticise her for it either, let alone have a full-blown argument with raised voices, even if she makes all the white socks pink because of one forgotten red garment in the drum… (true story). We’re all human. We’re all allowed to make mistakes (as long as they are non life-threatening of course!). I know my DW was stressed because she had a job interview later that day. Is that why she over-reacted? And if so, why do I need be the one who gets it in the neck, when all I’m trying to do is help (and be at school on time!). PS: I never once forgot to brush my DD's hair and attach it, because it's long and really looks messy if not brushed and tied up. But my son's hair looks pretty much the same, brushed or not brushed (he has kind of a "COVID" hair style!).

Maybe you need to have a heart to heart. It's difficult speculating on how much she does, how much you do etc etc. You feel hurt. She feels ... not sure what she feels tbh. But just have a talk. It's difficult. We've been married 20 years and still gripe at each other.Sometimes we gripe then laugh hysterically at how stupid it is. It's not unusual.

@Iminaglasscaseofemotion

Yes I do the morning routine and school drop-off almost every day.

Also I just want to clarify that my DW does not stay in bed all morning, every morning! It was more like a one-off.

I wonder what else was an exaggeration.

Him doing the morning routine everyday and her not staying in bed all morning does not mean he exaggerated. She may clean the house while he drops the kids off...

Yes he did exaggerate in the first post.