Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

We have two teens and an adult child who doesn't live with us and is just about to finish uni. We both work full time. I cannot imagine just deciding not to work and leaving my husband stressing over finances. It's not even about living off one income now, shel have no decent private pension when she retires and thatl affect your standard of living then too.

Id be giving her an ultimatum to get a job, even part time or the marriage would be over. An able bodied partner just deciding they didn't want to work would absolutely enrage and disgust me.

This , we’ve been a sole earner household for over 10 years now and I am the non worker ( health reasons) but manage the family finances and saving is one of my top priorities .

So she can choose not to be stuck on the hamster wheel, whilst you don't have that option? That is not fair. I was the sole earner in a job I came to loathe but had no option but to stick it out until I found something better. The pressure on a single earner is significant, always conscious of the fact you must not lose your job, concern about redundancy. If you split then she will have to get a job at some point as, despite what the Daily Mail may think, it is not possible to get benefits just because you don't want a job. But if you point that fact out you are likely to be accused of coercion. I would stress the fairness point, partnership, mutual support; get acknowledgment of your needs and feelings, not just hers.

Also, the idea that her work dried up because of an algorithm/losing a client is pathetic. I've been self-employed; if one source of work dries up you look for others. If your marketing isn't working you change your tactics/channels. Maybe she needs a few months pf spending less on groceries and Amazon (how much???? What on earth is being bought?) to save up to pay for some career counselling or marketing advice.

What does ‘lose her identity’ mean?

‘..this is not what the choice she is willing to make.’

Refuses to make, more like.

As a matter of interest, does she do all the cleaning, cooking, washing etc ? Or what does she do with her day? On other threads, she’d be called a cocklodger.

Did she pay upfront for half the house, or is she on the deeds and you’re paying the mortgage? If so, what a mess you are in, as you have dependents.

It’s obvious that you’re beginning to resent her attitude (and laziness?).

I have been freelance - work dried up. DH’s salary goes into his account and all of the bills come out. I budget carefully for food and household items and we both check in with one another before making any extra purchases. He used to be dreadful with budgeting but, since I’ve shown him how it’s done, he is not perfect but in a far better financial position than when we met and has only mortgage debt now. I have my own savings and he has savings for emergencies - when I had a regular income, I bought the car, organised and funded all of the treats, days away and holidays. He is fine with me not working but I would love to put my skills to use so am looking for work. OP, sadly, you need to take control of your income and the family’s outgoings. Ideally, it will be discussed but if your DP won’t then you’ll need to go it alone as other PPs have said - hopefully, that will help her to see sense.

Or is she in fact so bored that she is spending to give herself some thrills?

I wondered about the self employed business as well. No doubt it promised great things, but running your own business is harder than being employed. I wonder if the other partner bailed because they were doing on the grafting. As a pp said, if one avenue closes, you invest time finding another.

I think costs are going up a lot. I find I get a lot less from the supermarket in a big shop for a lot more money.

But not by that much!

and if she isn’t working she has time to search out the markets and better deals

If the partner were male I'm sure we'd be calling them a cocklodger.

My best friend is a single mother to a three year old and she makes it work (sometimes by asking me for emergency babysitting but friends are friends!) Perhaps your wife's freelancing just didn't work out? There's no shame in that it's just maybe time for her to think about work. Smart Works and Pregnant then Screwed offer advice and volunteering chances - that could be an easy place to begin?

The thing is we do not go to do hair cuts etc, mine is done at house.
Personal spending money again was discussed as currently everything goes out of one account.
This would be an option.
i think we are in this kind of situation now where the question is where do we stand in our relationship.
As someone mentioned above it brought some feelings in me that I was not enough to sustain family.
This was all time low at the time and I shared this with my partner. It did not go as I expected when I looked for support. There was prolonged silence in our relationship.
Now I got out of this situation where I can deal with this by looking with different lense.
I consider myself to have a duty to provide for family but also with loving support.
Whether I have it at this time it is a big question.

You are being taken advantage of - which says good things about your natural personality

How old is youngest daughter?

But all families have all those tasks and deal with them around work if finances don't allow for a SAHP.

That is a ridiculous excuse not to get a job

You are not going to lose identity by going out to work, that's just what people have to do.
If she has MH problems, suggest that she contacts the GP for a counselling referral.

We have a similar set up in that my husband is the main breadwinner and I work freelance some of the time. My children are much younger than yours though, so my flexibility is a big plus as we don't have family support locally and otherwise my additional income would be spent on childcare. That may change as they get older. Like your wife, I do work primarily for one company. But if they stopped sending me work, I would at the very least attempt to find other sources of work. And if our finances became tight I would absolutely do my best to get a regular job if that was what was necessary. It does feel like she's burying her head in the sand somewhat.

I struggled with not being able to go back to work after having my children (complex reasons) and it has taken me a long time to get used to being a SAHM and to build my freelance work as well so I do get it. Yes, of course what we do is part of our identity and it might be scary. But practicalities have to be taken into account, and she just isn't doing that at the moment.

Also, your shopping bill is insane. You really need to look at whether everything you are buying is necessary.

Contact here and your GP - you seem a bit upset, sending you the best

The thing is you can’t sustain this level of spending so she either needs to spend less or earn more. There’s not another way out of it. Either will cause her some discomfort but that’s just life really. She’s spending money hand over fist and if she is unwilling to change her behaviour and work as a team, to a budget, she needs to be bringing in money, or you need to decide how you go forward. I couldn’t live with someone who didn’t have my back.

I don’t think the food bills are mad.

we spend around £200 per week on food as a family of four and we barely eat meat - a pack of mince once a week and maybe a roast chicken!

notjing organic, can’t afford it, cook from scratch using pulses and passata etc.

I’m okay thank you. Had counselling done last year related to this situation. It did help to reframe situation.
The reason I have posted here is to get insights and perspectives.
I am myself calm person and do not get emotional so easy as I am trying to look at different angle at this situation.

She doesn't have a business /side hustle; those generate income!
Your kids are teenagers she can easily work, what is her 'identity' I'm guessing she fancies herself as an artist who can't have a regular job.
Be harsh and ask her what would she do if you split up?
She has to get a job, your salary isn't sustaining the family, no savings, whilst she fannies about.

I think in your position I would set up a new account and move my salary into this and arrange for all the household bills to be paid out of this.
I would insist on food shopping together and pay the bill there and then at the checkout.
Then any other bills or purchases, she lets me know what they are and I either transfer the money into her account for her to pay it or pay it directly from my account (or decide I don't want to pay for whatever it is and refuse).
You now have control over your finances.
She is acting like a kept woman refusing to take any responsibilities for finances, so you treat her like one. At any point if she isn't happy with the situation, you are willing to discuss finances and expenditure with her (as already offered and rejected).
For me, any subsequent conversation would include a large dose of expectation of her obtaining paid employment.

@CalmCanyon I don't understand this: why would she receive half of your house if you're not married?

She's lost her identity and her purpose by not working (now). How for example is she paying into a pension?

These things have to be agreed and negotiated as a couple. One cannot unilaterally decide not to work, unless they are ill or a paid carer.