Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

Bottom line. She has to choose one or she's on her own.

In the short term: open a bank account in your name and have your salary paid into that. Transfer all the outgoings to that account and start to manage your household. Your wife might feel differently about working when she actually has to talk about money like an adult and no longer has access to money which she hasn't earned.
Then probably a conversation about what kind of work she would like to do and how she can start easing back into it. Maybe there are courses for people in her situation to help them feel more confident and comfortable about returning to work.
She is taking the piss, frankly.

Groceries - we spend around £600 per month (4 week month) for a family of three (two parents plus young adult son), so yours a tad high, but maybe only by £150 or so.

Amazon - nearly £600 on stuff. This needs looking at.

Eating out - that’s not too bad for one meal out.

Home/general/childten - an odd tenner here and there soon mounts up, plus activity fees, kids party presents etc etc

Everything about right apart from groceries and the shopping budget?!

We spend £320-400 (if 5 week month) as 2 adult household with baby incoming for groceries.

Finances about right as we pay about £1300.

We spend about that on food but that includes lots of nice wine and everything organic that can be organic. You can definitely eat very well for a lot less.

The shopping budget is also high but you need to break this down more. Amazon spending in particular could mean anything- household essentials or total rubbish.

Would she use an app like YNAB? It lets you allocate sums to different categories and might help her keep better control of things.

Although You have a rough idea of spending, use the MSE budget planner further finer details. Work out exactly what you are spending where.

https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/

Regardless of the question around identity, jobs aren’t easy to get. For years I made impulsive purchases, dopamine hit, they made me ashamed. ADHD apparently, so I wouldn’t engage with budgeting. Had some counselling, diagnosis and can engage/budget. Is there something like that at play here? Perhaps gentle questioning around the barriers to working/budgeting. Might unlock you both.

If working isn’t an option for her, spending £500+ a month on shopping shouldn’t be an option either?

That poster is right, she’s a shameless freeloader. If she was male she’d be called a cocklodger. Unless there is a health issue or disability preventing her from working, she’s taking the piss. Sod her identity crisis, this isn’t remotely fair on you.

I am sorry but saying the algorithm doesn’t work anymore is absolute bullshit because I am around that area and you have to work it out.
Plenty of people sell whatever it is via socials and on Etsy but it requires actual work. You can’t just stick a random image on Facebook any more. Platforms like Instagram require filmed content and the best way to sell is to include yourself and your own.backstory.
There are loads of ways to learn how to work with the algorithm using free resources.
And before you think I am young and up on everything I am not far off my pension!
It all takes effort but it can be done. And to be quite frank it sounds like she’s can’t be bothered.

Your grocery and Amazon bill is high. We spend a similar amount on groceries for a family of 4 but I know how indulgent it is and could reduce it by 30/40% and still eat really well if we needed to.

Your partner needs to start earning some money and needs to engage in budgeting conversations.

This!

Wow yes those figures are way high

is something being hidden in them ? Have you got receipts?

Your regular expenses are low for the South east.

Food - could be reduced but I don't think it's outrageous with the cost of living at moment.

Shopping - does this include Christmas and birthday gifts? It could still come down but you don't seem sure what's included. If it's all Amazon, surely you could look at the orders? If it's just buying shit/impulse buys/frivolous stuff/unnecessary clothes then of course it could come down a lot.

You need a serious conversation about a budget but need to look at the spending details first.

As for not wanting to work - what a freeloader. Fuck me, I'm 60, I've had to work fulltime since was 16 (with a couple of years SAHM). I'm sick to death of working, I would love my independence and to have fun doing whatever I want when I want, but it's not reality for anyone who isn't wealthy. I can't believe you've enabled this for so long...and let me guess, her business/freelance stuff was more of a hobby business than a real one?

If you are a functional adult, you don't get to opt out of adult stuff like working and managing your finances. She's taking the piss.

General bills seem fine. Nearly£600 on extras from Anazon and clothes could be cut down. Shopping for groceries for three people is very high. Eating out could be cut by half. If you've enough income to spend that then fine. If not you need to start cutting back.

There's a lot of random line spends. What do these things include? I think you really need to break it down further to identify what the spending is on and is it really necessary. Just keep in mind that the CoL has gone up. Children and young adults are expensive and have all sorts of needs.

If your wife isn't willing to work you need to sit down and make it clear that it's not fair on you and she needs to help cut down. By the sounds of it you can't continue indefinitely..

How much personal spending do you each have? Haircuts, make up, going to the cinema or for a coffee? When I was a young mother, some of the wives of the more controlling husbands used to get cash back at the supermarket. The Waitrose bill wasn’t inspected in the same way as personal spending.

I have always worked - neatly 50 years now - so the thought of DH telling me what I can and can’t spend would be out of the question for me. Given she is the mother of your children, why aren’t you married?

Your food bill seems very high for three and a dog. I feed two adults (one a hollow legged teenage boy) for about £250 a month. I'd expect your food bill to be £450-£500 a month.

And your Amazon bill is what? £550 a month on clothes & toiletries is ludicrous. Our toiletries bill is toothpaste, facewash, shower gel, shampoo & condition and loo roll. Probably £25 a month.

My son was lacking in confidence but him getting a job wasn't a choice. If he wanted clothes, tech and driving lessons, he needed to work, so he does. It has helped his confidence, widened his social life and expanded his group of friends.

Your partner has an absurd view of life. Put bluntly, she's living off you and has become a dependent, not a partner.

I couldn't respect someone who is happy to freeload, and the resentment would end our relationship. Where is her care for you, and concern for you carrying all the load? It would be different if she was ill etc, but she isn't.

I am a single woman and even with inflation - I can manage food on £35 a week. Toast for breakfast, salad or sandwich to take in for work, batch meals for dinner I do one big top up shop a month at £60 to include bin bags, loo roll, shampoo etc - that's still under what four people need given it comes to £200 x 4 which is £800. What is the amazon spending?! And I'm a well paid job but have cover the mortgage and bills alone, some months can feel hard. If she won't work will she consider things like batch cooking to save money?

What does she actually contribute to your family life? A few hours housework a week?

Gambling ?

This is outrageous OP. Even if your partner worked PT (say 20 hours/week) on minimum wage that would bring in more than enough to cover your full shopping bill every month with some left over for savings. This is not okay. What on earth does she think the rest of us have to do? What about our “identity”? What about yours?

Perhaps you could sit down together and draw up a meal plan and have it delivered each week. To see if you can make savings that way. The Amazon costs are strange, ask her what she bought?

She takes care of youngest daughter, school drop offs, food, organising events all household errands.

'Lose her identity by working? FFS welcome to the real world where the majority of people have to work and do not live ponce off their spouses /partners/parents.