Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

Someone who is a joint tenant on the deeds will automatically inherit if the other tenant dies. Married or not.

This is tough OP, to be fair to her as far as I'm aware it's hard out there for anyone persuing a creative career at the moment. Etsy and Not on the High St seem to be being either bombarded with Temu style crap or bought up by private equity groups making it much harder for small creative businesses to operate. AI has completely shifted how algorithims work and any creative and successful artist gets their work ripped off with no come back.

That said artists are often as practical as they're creative so not having the perfect scenario for a business doesn't and shouldn't mean no business at all. Can you have a conversation about how she can shift her business to 'real world' applications? Pop-ups, craft fairs etc. It may be seasonal or it may be because she will have to have a portfolio career of part-time paid work alongside her creative career?

I wish you well OP, and your family, from the age of your children this was always going to be a period of transition.

Oh wow, I didn't realise that! Thanks. This is a very vicarious situation all round.

But you are ‘sustaining your family’ and are the only one doing it financially. It shouldn’t be your ‘duty’ to do this single handedly. Could your wife be aware of your feelings and manipulating them so she can continue not to work? ie laying the blame at your feet. She can’t refuse to work and also refuse not to work on the budget, that’s not fair. Also you should be supported when you need it. Sorry you are having a rough time of it.

This is tricky, and I can hear that you’re trying to honour who she is and what she wants while starting to feel that it’s unsustainable. I’m going to make some suggestions, but please don’t hear me as saying ‘you can solve this alone’. I’m describing things you can do because you are the one talking to us. She should definitely be listening to you and supporting necessary changes.

Would she be able to hear your concerns better if she thought it was a temporary situation? You could say, for example, that you know how much she liked her freelance work, and how disappointed she is that the algorithms are penalising her business. Then suggest that ‘while we wait for things to pick up, could we reorganise a few of our bills to make sure we stay out of debt.’
You could mention that you would be happy to do some home economies- try a cheaper supermarket, have meat free Mondays, cut alcohol out of the shop.

If it’s a short term thing, she may feel less threatened. It may also encourage her to work at the business or find freelance again.

You may need to start mentioning, ‘we can’t afford it this month’, occasionally, to make real that this isn’t you being tight, this is a current problem.

Given the age of your DC, she may be in the throws of menopause. That can be massively challenging, more anxiety, less self esteem, bad sleep, loss of identity knowing you’re no longer fertile… let alone basic comfort issues. Don’t suggest that as she may take it as an accusation! I had no idea my issues were menopause related until a friend suggested I look into it. I just felt useless, and overwhelmed by everything.

I’m really sorry you are having a hard time, and hope you find some support while you work your way through this. There aren’t many people able to support a family on one wage, these days. It’s not on you, it’s the current world.

I dont think your outgoings are massive and I dont think you would be able to reduce it by anything noticeable.
The only ther option is to bring in more money to ease the financial concerns.
I know she doesnt want to work - who does!? But something has to give and its got to be her.
The only thing I would add is me and my husband have a separate account that we transfer an amount too each month for us to spend feely, but this could work for budgeting food and other fluctuating expenses for you perhaps? Or would she feel like that would be controlling?
Is she interested in the income/outgoings? My husband isn't and I tend to budgeting and plan myslef and just give him a rough idea if its a good month or not so we both reflect that in our spending habits.
Mainly its about being a team which is difficult if she doesnt feel like its a problem.

I do feel sorry for you. You sound like you are a bit of a mug who is desperate to keep this relationship going.

I think you need to work on your self esteem. Good luck.

It sounds as though she expects you to support her in a certain lifestyle and way. This is your fundamental task as she sees it.
And looks down on you if you are unable to achieve this.
And will not amend her life to adjust.

This is not a loving wife. She is not asking for help because she thinks anything is wrong with her health. You are not a team together. All the effort is on you.

She seems very confident you would not just walk away. Is there some pressure on you not to do that ?

Your salary is a good emergency salary ie, it’s enough for you all to live on if she worked and got made redundant. Based on your outgoings it’s enough for the necessities, not everyone can do that on one salary so that’s good. But it’s not enough to have a nice standard of living. Her salary could pay for savings, holidays, some luxuries. Does she not want to be able to buy those things instead of treading water? Maybe frame it like that to her - if you worked we could enjoy life so much more.

I have brought up pension in conversation.
She would be entitled to full state pension as she get child benefit.
I have also discussed my private pension as it would be possibility for our future planning.
Her view on life is live today, mine is more forward based. We have younger daughter and believe she will need some funds for her uni if she decides to go.
My partner had health scare a while ago so it might influenced her.
I am myself understand her view of life as there is no one recipe to how can it work in relationships

There is not one recipe but this isn’t working

This sounds more like a relationship issue than a financial one OP.

I work part time for a charity so don’t earn a great deal. My DH works full time in a senior role so earns lots more than me. We pool all our money. I’m glad he doesn’t ask me to work FT or to earn more as I love my job and it gives great flexibility for our family. So I sort of get your wife’s position on work a tiny bit.

BUT I use YNAB and budget like a ninja so we can have the things we need/want. I take care of all our finances so my DH can just chill on that front (he’s very happy about it!) And if we got into financial difficulty I would look for another job.

I think your wife needs to choose between working or budgeting/managing the household money. She simply can’t refuse to do either and expect to remain in the relationship.

Edited to add: I have written the above assuming no major mental health issues as that does change things a bit but would still require your wife to take action to make things better in some way.

@CalmCanyon What would happen if YOU got made redundant???

Well her recipe or idea about how life should be lived is not working for you !
Why you would be so accommodating to what I see as a hard nosed attitude is surprising.

I was a single mum for 15 years and did all of that while working full time, paying all the bills and saving into a pension. It really isn't difficult.

She's taking you for a fool OP.

Is the dog a recent acquisition? How much does it cost?

She will not be entitled to fill state pension because of child benefit. You only get a credit for each year the child is under 12. So, that isn’t going to cover 35 years.

Say your oldest is 19 and your youngest is 14.
She would have 17 years of credits. She gets the credits for the 12 years of the oldest, plus another 7 years until the youngest turned 12 as well.

You need to check how many years she actually has in her state pension tracker.

You’re not married so leave her. Let her get her half of the house, and then get out. She is going to bleed your family finances dry. If she won’t budget then get out.

You need to be less soft and understanding! She needs it pointing out she is lazy!! She hasn’t worked for 20 YEARS out of choice and you are bringing all the money in and she’s spending it how she likes!! YOUR wages!! Say it stops now and the only money going into the joint account now is for actual bills and the rest is going in your account and the ridiculous amount she spends on Amazon etc stops now - NOONE spends that amount on household items on Amazon a month! Shes buying herself whatever that isn’t necessary!
and that you want to see what she wants to spend YOUR money on BEFORE it is purchased so you can decide if you actually need it BEFORE you hand over any extra money and you want receipts for everything!

How are your finances arranged - ie can you see what she is spending the money on. Is the grocery shopping coming out of a joint account and who does it? Does she go shopping physically? Could she bring home receipts?

Clothing /Amazon could easily be that much if she's used to regularly buying clothes and make up. Again you need to see evidence of what she's spending. She can't keep hiding it from you.

As others have said, both could be trimmed but may not be hugely unreasonable when you look at the detail. Are you eating steak and artisan cheeses, wine every night? Does she shop in regular supermakets or at delicatessans. I could spend £200 a week on food for four if I wasn't naturally frugal, and dog food was very expensive.as the dog needed raw.

Could she run some kind of workshops so still self-employed and within her field.

I would be fine to be honest.
I work in very good company with good redundancy package and would have options in this case.

I don’t think she has a choice not to work does she?

Why is she happy for you to carry all that stress and responsibility alone? Does she realise this? Have you explained what’s it’s like being the sole earner?

it sounds like she’s unaware of the impact of her choices on others / the budget.

I was more thinking of how it would impact your situation with your partner. Would she then step up and go to work? What would happen, God forbid, if you were to get an autoimmune illness from all this stress and were too ill to work? This happened to me and there's no way I'd be able to support someone else, especially one with no strong work ethic and desire to help lighten my load. Think about it.

I struggled.tomwork.out whonwas in the household but think it's partner 1 and 2, two teenage dd's and 1 dd at uni.

In the South East, with a mortgage and no benefits, I think the outgoings are about right. It might be possible to shave £150pcm off the food bill.

The problem's simple. The non working partner needs to get a job and suck it up. Possibly difficult if they do everything domestically but should be able to fit in 20ish hours pw. Cleaning is about £20ph in the SE.

Just cut off access to joint money. Open an account for household costs with a budget. When it's gone, it's gone.
Losing her identity by working is a cop out. Surely she'll have a stronger identity by being gainfully employed and helping the family finances? How is she funding her pension??

Food and random shopping seems a bit high, otherwise normal.

I would break down that "Amazon and other" category further if I were worried about spending.