Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

"From what I can understand regular work would not be considered an option for her."
It's harsh but if you were to split, it would very much have to be an option. I'm pretty shocked you've tolerated that for 20 years. No way I would. If my DH was out of a job I'd expect him to take any job going and be spending all his time applying, and he'd expect the same of me, rightly so.

Groceries have gone up but the spend can come down. It really could.
As can the Amazon spend. What on earth is that for ? Can she go a month without buying something on there ?

Does she know how serious the issues are? And how ridiculous she sounds.
She takes on the buying and shopping. But is incompetent at doing it within a budget. Worse, she is unreasonable to not even want to discuss how to improve it for you both. What a cheek.

Peoples lifestyles can go up and down. That requires some intelligence to manage the downs. What you cannot do is expect to live in an elevated way off an imaginary money tree.

I am assuming this been a recent change in spending. What has caused it ?

Groceries and shopping seem a little on the high side but that is balanced out by the low figure of £109 for eating out. We budget £250 a month in the South East. Some months it is way more than that.

Do you struggle with English comprehension…it gave Amazon as an example, it also gave clothing in that list too.

Quite easily done. We are just 2 and no pets and we spend more than that on our Ocado shop every month.

Like others I think the Amazon expenditure needs looking into, but nearly £900 a month for food, toiletries, household items (bleach, washing powder, scourers) etc actually seems really reasonable. Have you seen how much fabric conditioner, washing tabs costs these days? A loaf of bread is just under £2 and butter around £4.

tbh I think, you need to sit down and look at the grocery spending (past orders are stored) and really look at how much things cost and whether there are own brand swaps you can do; same with the Amazon account - precisely what is it going on and are all the purchases necessary. CoL has hugely impacted this stuff, as has the increase in fuel - I was paying £1.25 per L a year ago, now it’s anywhere in the region of £1.57-1.63. That £12 more each time I fill my tank.

Even tho you have shopped around on other bills are there tariff changes you can make - if you have Sky, for instance, can you reduce to a basic package, have you taken out ‘kids’ TV now your older one is no longer watching CBeebies etc? Can you reduce the number of hours the water comes on for etc.

And if you cannot find any savings - then a hard conversation will need to be had about asking your wife to explore returning to work. I am in the process of this as we will have 2 in uni from September and I have been a SAHM for 21 years. Unplanned due to SEN/MH issues with one of the DC. However, I’d like to be able to do the topping up for the kids, rather than it always fall DH, and I’d like to build up a nest egg to supplement our retirement given I have no pension of my own until the state one kicks in. I am fearful that he feels the psychological and financial burden of providing for us at his age when a redundancy (or ‘early retirement’ after he reaches 60) would impact us heavily whilst the kids may still be in education. It’s meant to be a partnership, isn’t it, and whilst my being a SAHP has facilitated and supported his career, as family life changes and we age, I need to adapt too.

I think it will be good for my self-esteem and therefore our marriage to have a ‘life’ outside the home again. And, perhaps, it is this latter tack that you take in encouraging your wife to explore this?

Yes her freelance work is in that field albeit it did bring her income but something has changed through social algorithms which does not bring her customers anymore.
This probably hurts a lot for her which adds up complexity.
I am trying to be reasonable, respectful and understanding.
I am flexible on my side and willing to go to compromises.

Your partner really, really needs to grow the fuck up.

She's spending nearly £600 of your wages on Amazon per month and nearly a grand on groceries and she won't get any kind of job because she thinks she'd 'lose her identity'? What's her current identity? Freeloader? Fannylodger?

I’d be reviewing the Amazon account with a fine tooth comb

The shopping expenditure seems high, unless you are averaging out a year then with Christmas and birthdays I could see it. If you aren’t including Christmas etc than that is high - I can go a month and only spend £25 on non grocery/cleaning/shampoo type items. I just checked and I’ve spent £50 this month as I bought a fan, Prime subscription, food caddy bags, hair dye and mosquito repellent bracelets - items I wouldn’t normally buy other than the dye and subscription, though some times I spend more too.
I can see the food costing that if you like your wine and quality meats etc. But that is where I can see a relatively easy way of reducing. Planning meals and perhaps cutting back on treats and things could trim £200.
But once you shop a certain way it’s hard to change without a proper reason (like pay cut).
You also don’t include savings or travelling in your budget - I assume you go on holiday?
Her unwillingness to engage is odd. Her part time work - the reasons she gives as to why it’s not lucrative anymore sound like excuses, in that it may be true but so what? You change things to make it work or try something else.
So she is just flatly refusing to work? Then you should flatly refuse to pay for the almost £600 months ‘shopping’ spend and nearly £1000 food shop. I was a SAHP. My DH would put X amount into a joint account and paid the bills/mortgage separately. He had an ex he supported and outside financial commitments so he had his own account. Bigger purchases like a TV we would discuss and agree the budget. He never questioned how the money was used but I didn’t spend frivolously either. I certainly didn’t spend anything like £580 on shopping. He occasionally did the food shop as he loved to cook but even with three kids (our two and his teen child who lived with us full time, plus visiting teen) we were not excessive.
I hate the idea of using money to control someone but if she really won’t sit down and talk things through then I’d tell her X amount is it for the month. Cutting £200 out and putting it in savings seems reasonable. She has to operate within the budget given. The risk I suppose is credit card spending, but I’d question her commitment to the family if she can’t rein it in.
Caveat: how much of this spend is you? That £580, is it all her? The food - does she do all the cooking? Do you see anything she buys as wasteful or unnecessary? If she’s spending £50/week on your favourite wine can you give that up for example?

Unfortunately your partner is not in a position to say that they won't work as it will change their identity.
She is talking bollo**s. She is making a fool of you.

But how long has this been going on?
How long until you both accept that she’s doing nothing. Without actual paid work she is not self employed. She unemployed.

Seems alot to me. Our total for bills (without food) is under £1k.

Are they? I dont think the major supermarkets operate regional pricing structures, Google seems to think the same

Without knowing more details of the OPs bills it's impossible to judge as there's no standard definition of groceries or supermarket shop

Our groceries and shopping is about the same as yours (2 adults, 2 teens and a dog) but we take home over 4 times what you do and we don’t budget, we just buy whatever we want. If I were you and wanted to cut back, then those are the 2 areas I’d tackle as everything else looks very reasonable or unavoidable.

Current situation is.definitely not sustainable. Just need to decide which way to go.
I am trying to see other side.
Single earner would work in our family but this would need much closer engagement and understanding from other side on where we are financially, what are our goals in life etc.

Hosting really bumps your bill up hugely!

From what I can understand regular work would not be considered an option for her.

If she won't consider getting any kind of job - even something part-time or casual - then you need to tell her the consequences of that will be that she can't keep spending £600 a month on clothes and Amazon and that from now on you're going to be doing the grocery shopping jointly because £900 a quid a month on one salary isn't affordable and you're not having it. From now, you put a set amount into a joint account for groceries and family expenses (and you watch that account like a hawk) and the rest goes into a personal account that's just for you so you can save a bit and/or have money for things that you want.

Sundries can be really high. I write mine down in my spending log notebook but just me alone can go through £160 a month. Includes Ebay Amazon Prime and skincare at both Home Bargains and Savers.

Are you married?

She mentioned that she would lose identity if she goes to work, it is not what she is willing to do.

Is her identity based around being unemployed? WTF is she talking about?

Your wife needs to work. Being freelance is a lifestyle choice these days and if the work has dried up she need to find something else- anything.

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833

This is actually quite cheap. Some people have a mortgage of well over £1K a month plus all the other stuff.

The food bill is high and if you add in eating out, it's close to £1K a month on food. Lots of supermarket websites have recipes for £1 a head etc.

Your Amazon bill is high. How are you spending that on bits and pieces - over £100 a week? Who orders stuff?

You're almost living beyond your means. All of the above except the fixed costs can be trimmed back.

BUT she needs to get some work. She's being ridiculous.

You are going to have to check exactly what she's buying on Amazon and the grocery shop and tell her it's no longer possible to spend that. The events can be cut down on, if she isn't happy with that she knows the answer. You shouldn't have to but maybe have a different account with money that she can spend but when it's gone that's it until next month.
I'm sorry to say she is taking you for a mug.

Fuck that. Tell her you can't afford her anymore and want a divorce.

This is part of the reason I won't join finances with my husband. Someone always takes the piss.

Tbh the grocery bill could be cut but maybe not by that much. The Amazon spends are pretty shocking. More shocking however is your partners decision not to work. That to me is not a partnership or team work.

The other side is that she is lazy and deluded and on your other thread you said something to the effect that she doesn’t think she’s ever loved you. She is taking the piss out of you and has zero respect for you. She’s also extremely stupid because as an unmarried non-working middle aged woman she will be utterly fucked if you break up.

Basically she is being beyond unreasonable and totally unwilling to compromise. Your options are:
a) continue working yourself silly while she spends your money while pursuing hobbies and interests and you have sleepless nights worrying about finances
b) give her an ultimatum. She gets a job of at least 25 hours a week to bring in income and contribute. Doesn’t matter what, it just needs to pay. Until she gets the job, she spends her time applying. She also agrees to heavily cut back on shopping.
c) take the view that she won’t change despite the ultimatum and end it now, sell the house and give her her share. Get a house for yourself and the kids and move on.

Whether you pick b or c depends on how likely it is she will change.

I’m a housewife so not hating on her also being one . But she can’t have it both ways she has to discuss the budget or get a job .