Am I being unreasonable about our household spending?

[CalmCanyon]

I’m interested in getting a reality check on our household spending because I’m struggling to work out whether I’m being unreasonable or whether our costs really are out of line.
We’re a family of four plus a dog in the South East of England. One of our daughters is at university and isn’t home most of the time, and her spending isn’t included here as she has her own finances.
Our monthly spending is roughly:

• Finances (mortgage, council tax, utilities, insurance, phones, broadband and other regular household bills): £1,833
• Groceries: £869
• Shopping (clothes, household items, Amazon, etc.): £583
• Transport: £253
• Eating out: £109
• Home & Family: £78
• General: £68
• Children: £32

Total: around £3,825 per month. The grocery and shopping figures are what concern me most. I don’t actually do most of the food shopping or day-to-day purchases—my partner does. As the sole earner, I see the overall numbers each month and I’m finding it increasingly difficult to make the budget work. I’ve tried to have calm conversations about our spending and whether we could cut back, but they usually end in disagreement. From my perspective it’s becoming a financial issue; from hers it doesn’t seem to be viewed in the same way. Unfortunately it’s started to affect our relationship, and at the moment it feels more like we’re housemates than a family working towards the same goals. I’m genuinely looking for outside perspectives.

Ultimately you have a certain amount of money available and you need your spending to fit it. She is obviously entitled to input on how that works but not to refuse to engage in any discussion about household budgets.
That would be true if your partner worked also. Ultimately if you collectively have less money and costs for essentials are rising then she needs to consider work &/or you need to figure out how to reduce spending. No one enjoys these conversations but it’s essential to have them.

Sounds like she is an actor or artist with her head in the clouds.

Can you not make it simple. You're spending more than you earn, this is not sustainable, you need to either budget or she needs to start earning. You cannot continue like this. Shall we look at what we're spending on and how we can save £x per month? If she refuses to engage the status quo continues so it's not in her interest.

I’ve never really broken our outgoings down but think they’d be a lot higher as our mortgage and food alone is £4200! 🫤 prob should cut down
mortgage - £3000
food - £1200 (lots yes but we put £300 a week in joint account for food, eating out etc)

She sounds like my ex-SIL. BIL was earning a very nice salary & bonuses, and she was a SAHP with agreement all round. Then COVID etc and BIL was back on standard salary only, no bonuses (he was lucky to still have that). That still covered all essentials like bills, groceries and kids clothes etc with a modest amount left for “fun” including stabling for her horse, but ex-SIL refused point blank to budget and to give up her other luxuries and extras and trade down her mahoosive new 4x4 for something a bit more economical. Any attempt by BIL to discuss the budget or rein in the spending was met with accusations of being controlling. He had previously supported her in her setting up and discarding several hobby businesses up to then but she point blank refused to pick one of them back up again or to work (her previous employer couldn’t fill vacancies, they’d have welcomed her back). They split up because at the root of it BIL felt they were no longer an equal team pulling in the same direction. She found work soon enough when they separated.

I was a SAHM for 6 years. Once the children were at school I found a job which worked with school hours until they were more self sufficient. My hours have fluctuated over the years. At a max they were 32 per week , at a minimum 16. I’m glad to contribute to our finances- we’re a team.
Your partner needs to get off her backside and find work. Even 1-2 days a week is a start. She’ll feel so much better if she does.

Your grocery bill is huge. We are a family of 5 plus a dog and our grocery bill is less than 2/3 of that. I would look at that first!

When our DC were younger I was a SAHM, until the DC were in nursery/school, I then went PT. I certainly didn't spend all day buying goods that weren't needed.

MN love getting their teeth into a SAHP post where the DH/DP asks the main child carer to be a little more considerate when wasting spending their only income and the come back normally is you allow DH/DP to continue with their career/do the brunt of the childcare...so spend away.

So I will only speak for my situation
I'll put that in bold for those at the back to point out it was my situation.

For me being a SAHM meant I didn't contribute a penny towards the bank account/house hold finances, it didn't come with a wage, it didn't put food on the table, 4 people living from a single earner, from not so large a wage packet meant I was aware there wasn't a bottomless pit of funds.

This stopped now due to other party.
Are you able to explain this? I don't understand but could it just be another of her excuses?

I'm a SAHM. I'm going back to work in September after 3 years off. It's daunting and will be of no financial benefit as my entire salary will go on childcare. The reason I'm going back now as opposed to 2 years' time (when it would financially make sense) is because I know I will completely lose my confidence and feel unable to go back in 2 years' time.
Not everyone feels able to 'just go out and get a job' and the longer you're away from this, the more scary it becomes.
Putting your life on hold to do what's best for your children is a sacrifice and, to be expected to do it longterm and then just suddenly dive back into a new role as an earner once your children don't need you as much, is a terrifying prospect for a lot of people.

I really hate this attitude. SAHM being ‘shockingly lazy’ ffs. It’s not ‘staying at home’, it’s unpaid labour that is undervalued and unappreciated by most spouses. But it’s a mystery to me as to why women feel the need to make such denigrating comments about other women.

First, you are only hearing his side of the equation. Second, maybe she worked 24/7 365 days a year for the first 12 years of their children’s lives whilst DP worked 9-5 Mon-Fri and she feels she’s done her bit. Maybe she’s lost confidence in herself. It’s likely that she’d have a different view here.

All the research says women do the lion share of child care, all of the associated emotional and practical labour in raising children, as well as most of the housework and, for many, this is on top of a paid job. So more fools us those who do paid and the unpaid work. Plus, it gets on my tits that a man comes on MN looking for sympathy from women and seeking validation in criticising her.

She can’t just blame social media algorithms. They are still usable, you have to make it work, millions of other businesses do. ESPECIALLY if she’s not using her time to job seek…

Haven't rtft, but if you are struggling to get your partner to engage with a discussion re finances and you are concerned about being controlling or abusive if you cut off her access to money, could you look at a restructure instead?
You could say, for example, that you need to separate out a bank account for the set bills, a second account for the other groceries etc, and then an individual account that gets the same amount of 'fun money', each funded monthly with an appropriate amount. You will have to stipulate that the grocery account isn't for random Amazon purchases, and probably monitor it quite closely, but if the money keeps running out, she will have to have a conversation with you about it. Hopefully it will come across as budgeting more than controlling. She needs to understand that you simply can't produce money that isn't there, and if she is unwilling or unable to contribute financially herself, she will have to cut her cloth accordingly.

Agree. I’ve had to work it out, research, notice the changes and I’m ancient.
She clearly just can’t be arsed.

I don't think OP is devaluing his partner contribution at home he is concerned that they are spending more than he makes that is a huge financial strain month after month. A request that we live within our means is not controlling. There are only two solutions when expenditure exceeds income either you increase income or cut spending. There is no magic third way and no one is being a bad person for pointing this out

Average UK spending on food in UK in 2026 is 35-45 per person per week which for 4 and occasionally 5 and at top end that is 720 I could feed a family of 4 three meals a day and buy basic laundry and toiletries from Waitrose at 180 a week.

I would suggest asking partner where she thinks they could trim 300 a month from budget just to get a bit of breathing room

Your children are old enough to be told that everything they need is in the budget but not everything they want. And no one can spend money that isn't there.

As you are not married she would soon find out that legally she is entitled to child support only for 13 year old and a share in the house. She is not entitled to your pension etc she would be relying on you being kind

I don’t think your family spending is outrageously high if you could afford it, but it’s not sustainable on your income.
I don’t agree with suggestions that you change bank accounts and cut off her spending, or impose non negotiated budgets.
Your DP may be acting less than rationally, but she’s not a child.
If neither of you will seek outside help then there is no real option except for you to communicate the need for the family income to increase, or expenditure to reduce.
Have you asked her directly what suggestions she could make? She needs to be involved if there is to be any improvement.
If she simply doesn’t accept that there is a problem and won’t contribute to the solution I suppose you need to decide if you want to continue your relationship.
BTW if your youngest child is a teenager your partner is no longer getting home responsibilities protection for her state pension.

Must say, I too do wonder what was is meant by this.

As you are not married she would soon find out that legally she is entitled to child support only for 13 year old and a share in the house. She is not entitled to your pension etc she would be relying on you being kind

@Cottagecheeseisnotcheese just why would you even make this comment? Are you deliberately trying to plant an idea in the ops mind? Just incredibly anti-women. Wow.

And neither is us know whether the Op is or isn’t devaluing his partner’s contributions but it is fair to say that I know a lot of fathers who completely underestimate the amount of work it takes to look after children and run a house. Not to mention how teenagers can need their mother even more than when they were younger.

Edited to add that if fathers did fully look after children 50% all of it including night shifts, school runs, appointments, school assemblies, took time off work to care for poorly children, did book days and planned birthdays and organised play dates and helped with homework, wiped the tears, arbitrated the sibling arguments, drove to clubs, helped with university applications etc etc etc AND fully 50% of housework, cleaning, dinners, laundry, kids clothes shopping, friends coming to stay, Christmas dinners, presents for families, planned holidays, gardening, etc etc etc, then maybe the op has a point. But I’m doubtful he’s done all of that. So many fathers don’t see and don’t appreciate wife work.

I get her fear of change, but actually this loss of purpose and her business etc. is more core than what you said earlier - which presumably she has said, that getting a job would mean she'd lose her identity. Which was a mad thing to say anyway, because few of us are so (un?)fortunate our identity can be tied to not working. But in fact her identity is already in flux from all these other issues, so work is more likely to fill that gap and give her identity, purpose, confidence and all these other things that are currently lacking. She will resist and make it difficult and you won't want to push, but ultimately she needs to do something or the loss will get worse, along with all the practical problems. The way out is clear if she can start taking the first steps towards it.

I assumed it was a two person gig, like singer and accompanist, or party entertainment where one did the ‘show’ and the other did the organising of children.

The easiest thing is for her to agree to budget better. She doesn’t have to go around shouting to others that you are doing so if that causes embarrassment.
If she is unlikely to get a job or unwilling then changing the budget is essential. This you know.

Having the conversation need not be imposing or overbearing. Nor subservient either. Just talk to her. Normally. And assuming she has all her abilities she should be able to talk to you back. She should want to do so.

You can both stick your head in the sand and ignore what is happening. Or face it and deal with it. There is no shame in finding times hard.
She may well feel a bit redundant as a mother now one has gone to university. It is just a new change in life. She cannot cling onto the old identity she had of a younger mum busy with her home and children for ever. She has to find a new identity. And new and changing role is something millions of women and men with fatherhood have to do as their children age.

You mentioned earlier she feels a bit hard done by. Because she doesn’t feel valued. She has much to look forward to. The possibility of grandchildren. Weddings. Sons in law.

But to do that well, needs to focus on the now. Have the conversation !

Yeah or catering where it requires two of them. So whatever she does/did, she can't do it on her own. But maybe she could do a similar thing withing a company or use the skills in some other employable/income-generating form.

No I think it is just a change to her perception of being a mum with children and looking after the house. One has gone, the other might not be too far behind. She feels a bit redundant possibly.
She has had the ‘young mum busy at home’ hat on her head for a long time.

But if the OP really has been wanting to divorce her once the children got older then he needs to be honest about it.

I hit a wall a few years ago. A issue at work that meant I needed to stop and restart. Health problems. Did a ‘little job’ round the edges to justify spending money.

There’s a bit of me that thought I’d finally got to the end of juggling kids, the house and (always part time) work. Meno hit hard along with other health issues, bereavement etc.

I just didn’t feel as if I had the get up and go to start all over again.

However, I always budgeted like a beast and saved him as much money as I earned.

I’m amazed you only spend £32 on your child in a month (ignoring the fact that they live in your house where you have the lights on etc)! I’d expect that category to be well into the hundreds, especially with a SAHP who presumably has time/energy to be going to activities and providing more varied/complex things to do at home.
Have you quantified how much of the “shopping” is actually necessary items for your child (including things like books, clothing and equipment, toiletries, petrol to drive them to and from activities, gifts for them to take along to birthday parties etc)?