Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

Or they both need to agree to reduce outgoings?

None of this is normal OP
A husband leaching off his wife when she is on mat leave rather than using his own savings
A wife going into debt rather than asking her husband to pay his share
Someone who says their spouse is a wonderful person 'apart from this one thing' when financial fairness is a complete fundamental to a relationship not a 'nice to have'
Someone who thinks their spouse is wonderful but can't have basic frank conversations, due to fear of confrontation. Can you imagine taking the complete piss out of Someone and then getting away with jt because they were too scared to even bring it up in conversation? Do you think that's a healthy relationship?

God youre so young to be dealing with this crap.

Send him to the shops with a list and DO NOT offer to pay him back.

This thread has triggered a memory I remember meeting my partner in the supermarket to do a big Xmas shop he was like a kid in a sweet shop putting expensive brands in the trolley I was part time him full time yet when we got to the till he wanted to split it in half. OP you are young you need to realise unless you call him out this pattern will continue.

You need to both agree a time to discuss finances and sort out a joint pot for bills and food.
im not a full believer of all money being joint as this can lead to its own problems, especially if there is a breakdown of the relationship.

you need to know both incomes, all bills joint and separate, annual bills etc work out all the sums and then both put in amounts to the joint account.
rest is free to spend how you wish!

But this should have been done when you moved in together!!!!

He’s not a lovely, caring husband if he won’t put his hand in his pocket for food and shelter for his wife and child.

You tell him to grow the fuck up and pay towards the house and bills. He should be paying 100% at the moment if you are on SMP. Why the hell are you getting into debt - you need to get tough here or it will get worse. When he asks you to pay you say ‘No’ use your savings!!

Your key word here is ‘No’ - your H is a prick!!

Married with a child at 20, what age did you meet him? Assuming in your teens while he was in his 20s?
OP I strongly suggest getting a bit of advice from woman’s aid here, you’re being financially abused at the very least.

Sorry op he doesnt sound lovely if he has savings but would rather you were left with nothing he is controlling and selfish. It sounds like hes been used to having his own money and hasnt adjusted to the fact he has a partner and child to support. Tell him you need the money back don't ask. All your bills, rent and child expenses should be coming from the joint account with both of you contributing a fair amount that leaves you with similar spending money. You really need to have this conversation now

@TeenGirl2024 you are very young. I don’t think everyone answering you realised how young until you told us.

So, you are in a very poor relationship. I suggest you ring Women’s Aid and have a chat for some clarity. And I strongly urge you to do the Freedom Programme which is recommended so often in Mumsnet.

Awful husband apart, you have a lot to learn about adult relationships and you are already married with a baby. You now have to do your very best for that baby but I don’t think you can rely on your husband to be a team player. Start working on yourself so you can see your situation now and your future with clarity and grow the strength to face that future.

No. This is the oddest thing I’ve ever heard. We both put money in our joint account every month (me £1200, him £1600 as he earns more) and our bills and food come out of this. Don’t you agree this sort of thing before living together/ marrying?

Or they both need to agree to reduce outgoings?

Also a possibility.

I mean he sounds horrible, but really, how much money is coming & how much needs to go out?

Does he have savings?

What was the agreement on how to live whilst Op is on SMP?

He is not lovely @TeenGirl2024, not even close to lovely. He appears to be financially abusing the very young mother of his child.

You need to have a serious conversation with him. Perhaps frame it as looking at your family finances and how worried you are about being in debt.

We got together just over a year and a half ago. i'm 38 weeks pregnant atm.

At the beginning of each month we pay a set amount each (proportional to our incomes) into it. All bills and food shops, stuff for toddler etc. come from there.When I was on maternity leave he paid for everything.
You need to have a conversation with him and also stop bailing him out.

So you haven't even had your baby and you are already on SMP and in debt? How do you see the finances working going forwards if that is the case? Do you have supportive parents or any other responsible adults in your life?

We have a joint account with 2 debit cards to pay for everything except bills. When we run out of money we transfer the same amount to the joint account. My husband had our flat before we met so all the bills are in his name so I transfer my half to his account. Of course he needs so pay his share of everything, it's so wrong that he behaves like that, he should be ashamed of himself.

Oh dear, why on earth did you get married so young and have a baby with this man? You still have some growing up to do including learning how to assert yourself and stop feeling grateful for crumbs and realise that you’re an equal partner in this relationship. He’s not your boss!

This isn’t the 1950’s. It’s normal for men to do 50/50 household tasks inc. cooking and cleaning. He’s definitely not lovely if you’re sinking into debt whilst he’s growing his savings.

Can you make an appointment with a debt specialist at Citizens Advice and get them to help you review your finances and set a new budget as a couple? Tell him you’re worried about your debts and you’d like him to come along with you for some moral support.

Maybe if someone else points out how your current set up is very unfair towards you, he might mend his ways?

And when you tell him you have less than "nothing left"?
Because right now OP you have less than nothing.

You aren't spouses, worse than flat mates also. Get a divorce dear

Your problem is you’re finances are not linked and you are married.

Usually the one with the bigger wage leads the financial set up , but how do women marry someone who really hates them is beyond me

No never as all our joint household expenses come out of our joint account that I managed. We both put a set amount in each month to cover the bills and kids stuff then whatever is left is ours to do as we please with. Maybe you should get a joint account for bills and do set amounts then he knows what is expected each month.

If you can go home to your parents or a trusted relative

he’s been doing this for months now not days or weeks but months.

you need to assert yourself now not later cos this will get worse but do so at a safe distance

he’s financially abusing you.