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Husband gets me to pay

302 replies

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 12:01

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

OP posts:
mummybear35 · 21/08/2025 14:48

No…because we share everything, always have done…salaries go into a joint account, credit cards are in his name but I have a subsidiary but it’s all paid out of the joint account. We don’t calculate who owes who what when and how much! We’re married not flat mates, everything that’s his is mine and vice versa…he earns far more than me but never ever counts or even thinks along the lines of oh she spent my money etc…choose well when you choose a husband/wife!

LT1982 · 21/08/2025 14:48

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 12:01

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

He's got savings yet is allowing you to go into debt to cover household expenses? This is financial abuse.

You need a joint account for rent/bills/food shop and both contribute to it. And he should be paying off your debt with his savings as the debt was used to pay HIS financial commitments.

If he refuses, leave him

arethereanyleftatall · 21/08/2025 14:49

He isn’t lovely op. Not at all. Lovely people don’t take money off their wives, children or children’s mother.

try to work out precisely what you mean when you say he’s lovely, or that you love him. What was your own parents relationship like? It doesn’t sound like you have any idea at all how a ‘lovely’ man would treat his wife. Because it isn’t this.

KmcK87 · 21/08/2025 14:49

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 14:40

We got together just over a year and a half ago. i'm 38 weeks pregnant atm.

Sorry I thought you’d had the baby.
Please seek some advice on this, it’s not normal and your life doesn’t have to be this way. Women's aid or as someone else has suggested, a trusted older relative.

Winter2020 · 21/08/2025 14:51

You need to look at your family finances as a whole.

He is feeling skint, you are feeling skint - your household might not actually be bringing in enough money to cover all your bills, food, annual expenses etc but because you are not budgeting together or communicating you don't actually know. If there is not enough money coming in but you don't know this you are both going to be stressed and blaming each other when actually more money is needed.

You need to sit down together.
The budgeting resources from Money Saving Expert might be useful.
https://www.moneysavingexpert.com/banking/budget-planning/
I use YNAB to budget our money - some people like to use bank accounts where you can have different pots.

Gettingbysomehow · 21/08/2025 14:51

Oh dear I left my card at home, what a shame. You'll have to pay.

RoxyRoo2011 · 21/08/2025 14:52

SheReallyLikes · 21/08/2025 13:08

Sort it out now. I’m in masses of credit card debt, as I didn’t get enough from my husband, he’s secretive, I’ve no idea what he actually earns.
I suspect he had a bonus, but I’ve no idea, and then he said he didn’t get it.

i think he pays our joint mortgage solely so he has a better claim on the house ( jointly owned)
I pay most everything else.
I’m always overdrawn and have debt, while he got a platinum credit card !

And was very pleased with himself,

Are you still married to this man?!

backinthebox · 21/08/2025 14:54

@TeenGirl2024 please read some of the things people are saying here, and have a big think about them.

Firstly, you are very young, and as far as I can tell this was not a planned pregnancy and I don’t think you are married either are you? You were engaged and living with your fiancé’s family when you first found out you were pregnant but I don’t know if you have married since then. This puts you in a position of uneven power in the relationship to begin with. If you are not actually yet married, but have had a baby with a man, you could be left in financial trouble if he decides to split with you or even if he dies (he’s young, but marriage includes legal protection for a spouse in many ways.) The fact that you have been living with his family rings alarm bells for me too. This puts you in a vulnerable position.

On to the finances - in a normal relationship where two people live together they sit down, talk about the household income (from both parties) and outgoings, and work out how they will pay the normal household bills. There are a lot of ways to do this, but the usual way is for each party to be paid into their own bank account and each transfer a sum by direct debit each month just after payday into the joint account and this is the account that pays for bills, groceries, child related stuff, etc. In our household, the amount paid into this joint account is not equal, because I work part time and stayed home to look after the children when they were little, meaning my career did not advance as much as his did. So now he puts more in the joint account than I do. Then we each have what is left in our own accounts to spend as we like. On a regular basis we sit down and look at what our costs are, have any gone up (cost of groceries) or down (no longer need babysitters) and also look at our income - did anyone get a pay rise or bonus or is one of us out of work for any reason? And work out if we need to adjust the amount we put into the joint account. The joint account never runs dry. It pays for our essentials like food, heating, a place to live. Our own accounts can and have run dry, and this means we have to work harder or cut back on hobbies or other personal spending. We don’t get to have the fun stuff without making sure the joint account is managing.

In a normal relationship this is discussed and agreed from the moment you move in together. And then adjusted regularly to account for changing circumstances such as pregnancy and maternity leave. If one person is putting themselves in debt because the other won’t pay, or if one person is afraid to bring up money matters because of the way the other will react, then it is not a normal relationship. It is a financially abusive one, or on its way to becoming financially abusive.

As your baby grows, it will cost more in the way of food, clothing, child care, etc. Please speak with your husband - first of all, protect yourself and your child by making sure he actually is your husband. Secondly, have an adult conversation about finances. He is still very young too at 25, and it may be that he has no idea how normal relationships work if his family are as dysfunctional as you imply. If you absolutely cannot speak to him about this at all, you are looking at a future of either financial abuse or a future bringing your child up on your own. If he is the ‘lovely man’ you say he is you need to get these things sorted out sooner rather than later.

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 14:58

backinthebox · 21/08/2025 14:54

@TeenGirl2024 please read some of the things people are saying here, and have a big think about them.

Firstly, you are very young, and as far as I can tell this was not a planned pregnancy and I don’t think you are married either are you? You were engaged and living with your fiancé’s family when you first found out you were pregnant but I don’t know if you have married since then. This puts you in a position of uneven power in the relationship to begin with. If you are not actually yet married, but have had a baby with a man, you could be left in financial trouble if he decides to split with you or even if he dies (he’s young, but marriage includes legal protection for a spouse in many ways.) The fact that you have been living with his family rings alarm bells for me too. This puts you in a vulnerable position.

On to the finances - in a normal relationship where two people live together they sit down, talk about the household income (from both parties) and outgoings, and work out how they will pay the normal household bills. There are a lot of ways to do this, but the usual way is for each party to be paid into their own bank account and each transfer a sum by direct debit each month just after payday into the joint account and this is the account that pays for bills, groceries, child related stuff, etc. In our household, the amount paid into this joint account is not equal, because I work part time and stayed home to look after the children when they were little, meaning my career did not advance as much as his did. So now he puts more in the joint account than I do. Then we each have what is left in our own accounts to spend as we like. On a regular basis we sit down and look at what our costs are, have any gone up (cost of groceries) or down (no longer need babysitters) and also look at our income - did anyone get a pay rise or bonus or is one of us out of work for any reason? And work out if we need to adjust the amount we put into the joint account. The joint account never runs dry. It pays for our essentials like food, heating, a place to live. Our own accounts can and have run dry, and this means we have to work harder or cut back on hobbies or other personal spending. We don’t get to have the fun stuff without making sure the joint account is managing.

In a normal relationship this is discussed and agreed from the moment you move in together. And then adjusted regularly to account for changing circumstances such as pregnancy and maternity leave. If one person is putting themselves in debt because the other won’t pay, or if one person is afraid to bring up money matters because of the way the other will react, then it is not a normal relationship. It is a financially abusive one, or on its way to becoming financially abusive.

As your baby grows, it will cost more in the way of food, clothing, child care, etc. Please speak with your husband - first of all, protect yourself and your child by making sure he actually is your husband. Secondly, have an adult conversation about finances. He is still very young too at 25, and it may be that he has no idea how normal relationships work if his family are as dysfunctional as you imply. If you absolutely cannot speak to him about this at all, you are looking at a future of either financial abuse or a future bringing your child up on your own. If he is the ‘lovely man’ you say he is you need to get these things sorted out sooner rather than later.

Yes i admit i am young but i am not stupid, just in a tricky situation. We are married and it was a planned pregnancy. We have had conversations regarding finances before but it seems it doesn't get better or change anything

OP posts:
HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/08/2025 14:59

I’m sorry OP, how much does he earn? And what exactly is he doing with his salary if he isn’t paying essential bills?

ginasevern · 21/08/2025 15:01

Oh OP, you are so young. I'm afraid you are going to discover that this man is not lovely at all and that you don't love him, you are just clinging to him. He is abusing you. What sort of man treats the mother of his child like this? You know this isn't right, that's why you've posted here. The situation will only get worse once you've had the baby. Please reconsider your future.

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 15:02

HaudYerWheeshtYaWeeBellend · 21/08/2025 14:59

I’m sorry OP, how much does he earn? And what exactly is he doing with his salary if he isn’t paying essential bills?

i believe he earns around 1200 a month and i have no idea what he does with his salary. probs puts it in his savings? idk

OP posts:
CanIgetARosePinkFrappucino · 21/08/2025 15:03

Get a divorce. You only signed papers but you ain't got a husband

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 15:03

ginasevern · 21/08/2025 15:01

Oh OP, you are so young. I'm afraid you are going to discover that this man is not lovely at all and that you don't love him, you are just clinging to him. He is abusing you. What sort of man treats the mother of his child like this? You know this isn't right, that's why you've posted here. The situation will only get worse once you've had the baby. Please reconsider your future.

i'm worried tho maybe i'm just overthinking it. is it possible that he's just naive and doesn't realise what he's doing? idk. i'm starting to wonder if he loves me at all tbh

OP posts:
LT1982 · 21/08/2025 15:03

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 12:22

We have applied to UC, find out in a few weeks how much we get and i've put down my bank account for it to be paid into so i know where the money is going

Depending how much he has in savings, that could affect any UC entitlement. He's extremely selfish and his savings should be the first port of call to feed/house his family, not ringfencing those for himself and applying for benefits!

Sixpence39 · 21/08/2025 15:04

skippy67 · 21/08/2025 14:00

OP has a joint account with her DH, and yet, here we are. So it's less about the mechanics of having a joint account, and more about having a conversation or two.

They have a joint account in theory but not in practice, because they're not actually jointly contributing and using it for shared expenses. It's like saying i have savings but my account is empty 🙃

Brickiscool · 21/08/2025 15:04

Well no because we are married so all food and household stuff comes out a joint account

Shewasafaireh · 21/08/2025 15:05

With all due respect OP, he’s taking you for a ride and you’re letting it happen.

Considering the updates, I would 100% not surprised if he’s hiding some bad habits from you. If he has gamblers in his family - which often goes hand in hand with drinking and drugs - that behaviour will have been normalised at home and it’s very, very likely he does the same.

When you say it was planned, was he on board with it? Like actually excited?

It’s not all doom and gloom, but it might get worse before it gets better, if you can’t even so much as talk about expenses comfortably.

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 15:08

Shewasafaireh · 21/08/2025 15:05

With all due respect OP, he’s taking you for a ride and you’re letting it happen.

Considering the updates, I would 100% not surprised if he’s hiding some bad habits from you. If he has gamblers in his family - which often goes hand in hand with drinking and drugs - that behaviour will have been normalised at home and it’s very, very likely he does the same.

When you say it was planned, was he on board with it? Like actually excited?

It’s not all doom and gloom, but it might get worse before it gets better, if you can’t even so much as talk about expenses comfortably.

i know for a fact he doesn't drink or anything, i think that's because he's scared of how his dad behaved??

o know he does do football bets and stuff from time to time tho.

Yeah he did seem excited about it.

OP posts:
LT1982 · 21/08/2025 15:08

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 15:03

i'm worried tho maybe i'm just overthinking it. is it possible that he's just naive and doesn't realise what he's doing? idk. i'm starting to wonder if he loves me at all tbh

I don't think you're overthinking it at all. Let's give him the benefit of the doubt, if he's just "being naive" then a sit down chat to make a budget and detail incomings/outgoings should open his eyes and he should then change his behaviour immediately. If he doesn't then it's not him being naive

Shewasafaireh · 21/08/2025 15:09

@TeenGirl2024 are you allowed to look at his outgoings? Why was he off sick so much?

I’m sorry OP but I just smell bs. Something doesn’t add up.

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 15:10

Shewasafaireh · 21/08/2025 15:09

@TeenGirl2024 are you allowed to look at his outgoings? Why was he off sick so much?

I’m sorry OP but I just smell bs. Something doesn’t add up.

no he doesn't let me look through his bank account at all

OP posts:
ginasevern · 21/08/2025 15:12

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 15:03

i'm worried tho maybe i'm just overthinking it. is it possible that he's just naive and doesn't realise what he's doing? idk. i'm starting to wonder if he loves me at all tbh

No OP, he's not naive. You are. Of course he knows what he's doing. I speak as someone who married and had a baby at 20 with "the love of my life". He behaved very much like your partner, but I kept making excuses for him and telling myself it would get better. It didn't of course. It got worse. I convinced myself of a million and one reasons why his behaviour was OK but really I knew deep down it was all bullshit and ultimately both me and my baby suffered. I'm so much older and wiser now. Please don't let yourself be used in this way.

backinthebox · 21/08/2025 15:13

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 15:02

i believe he earns around 1200 a month and i have no idea what he does with his salary. probs puts it in his savings? idk

Is he working full time for that? It's a very low wage, considerably below the minimum legal wage for a full time worker. If he is not working full time, then he needs to work harder. You are both very young, and you say you are not stupid, but then again you have had a planned baby without giving your finances any sort of consideration at all. That doesn't suggest you are particularly bright either. My earlier post was made out of concern for your situation. you are in a precarious situation already, and only 20, and you say you've put yourself there! You've posted on a public forum asking for advice, and are being given loads, but you seem not to be that concerned about taking it.

backinthebox · 21/08/2025 15:14

TeenGirl2024 · 21/08/2025 15:10

no he doesn't let me look through his bank account at all

Again, this is not normal in a marriage.