Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

You need better friends if he’s the best one you’ve got.

A friend doesn’t sponge off you.
A friend doesn’t refuse to pay their way.
A friend doesn’t say they’ll discuss something and then refuse.

This man who is your husband is not a good man.

But you’re not ready to see it so we’ll wait for the thread in 6 months when he’s out spending money, drinking, and doing zero with your baby and you’re wondering what went wrong.

I wish I knew what it was we had to do to stop women ending up with these useless shitty men.

Together a year and a half at 20 and 38 weeks pregnant. So pregnant after about 9 months? Married after, what? 6 months? This is baffling. What has driven these poor choices?

I'm not sure exactly, i think around 7 or 8k but idk.

Whenever we registered it said we could get a decent amount as i'm on SMP already and baby is due any day.

@Merryoldgoat

Married a month ago actually. We had a miscarriage before this baby. We've been through a lot together

@TeenGirl2024 you are with a man who has THOUSANDS in savings and you are broke.

You’re in denial at best, foolish at worst.

As it stands op, you put in 100%, he puts his all in to his own savings and you would like it be 50/50.

here’s the thing op.

when a baby comes along and one party (you) is looking after the baby, so unpaid, then ALL of the other parents income should be split 50/50.

so you shouldn’t even be paying 50%, let alone all of it.

there is only one of the following possibililties and neither is good..

1. he is extremely low intelligence and hasn’t managed to work out that he needs to contribute financially (this would be an absurdly low level though)
2. he knows full well he should be contributing (of course it’s this one as you haven’t mentioned disabilities) but is happy to use you.

Remind him he's covering it all this month, as you covered it last time. Just casually doesn't have to be confrontation.

And say, I'm feeling stressed now I'm only being in £180 a week (or whatever SMP is) and you don't even think you've got enough to cover the food shop.

It doesn't have to be a thing. Just share.

Or just forget like he does! And don't respond.
And forgot your purse at the food shop!

This is shit. He is shit.

You being afraid to talk to him about it is really worrying.

I would bet anything there’s something dodgy going on. Does he ever go out, is he a pubby type of guy?

Regardless, you’d be better off on your own. He’s taking advantage of you. I don’t understand how a planned child came about in these circumstances, but now your higher priority is to look out for you and your baby.

We’ve all been there, OP. I was 15 when it happened to me. Don’t let this define your life, get rid.

@Shewasafaireh

No he never goes out, not unless it's with me.

He only goes to work and comes home again. He doesn't drink, smoke or anything like that.

Do you really think this is ok for someone you are living with to let you get in debt with this much in savings? I can’t tell if you are just young and you think this is normal way to live or it’s a wind up. Speak to your parents to get real life opinion. So what if you worry them? unless you plan to change the status quo I’m not sure what else we can advise.

@backinthebox I’m clueless, how do you see past threads?

Honestly Op the reason you have a drop in income is because you are pregnant with his child.

Any decent father to be would be picking up the slack not sponging off you.

What a mess!

I really hope that he is a friend and that you can work this out because you are quite vulnerable without access to much money. Absolutely do not take on more debt, it makes no sense at all and can be incredibly difficult to pay back (I speak from bitter experience). I’m guessing you’ve only just started mat leave and you’re very newly wed so maybe he’s just not quite got his head around it, but legally your assets are joint and so it really makes sense for him to be transparent and to have joint goals.

If he turns out to not be on that page I’d get back to work as early as you can and really consider if this is the future you want. I married young, and 25 years later I’m still happy in my marriage, it absolutely can work, but not without being on the same page financially. He’s treating you like a flatmate.

How odd.

If he hasn't done so, he isn't a responsible man or (nearly) father. Someone who sponges off their pregnant partner who is on SMP and in debt is not a decent person. I'm really sorry.

Op one of the biggest life skills that will serve you well all your life is getting clued up on basic finances and learning to talk about them calmly and openly with your DH.

Your income is low for both of you so you really need to make what outgoings you have as sensible as possible. Have a look at moneysaving.com. Loads of advice on everything from best gas deals, mobile deals, any debt management etc.

But you need to do this as a team. Op gently he really isnt being a team with you if he has £8k savings and you’re in debt! That is selfish on his part which might just be immaturity. Either way it has to stop! You are married and about to be a family.

You need to work out a family budget. He needs to start paying into the joint account and not keeping his wages for himself. If he isn’t willing to do that then he is effectively financially abusing you as he’s getting you in debt to benefit him.

I know you say your parents love him but they don’t seem to know him. Did you tell them about the fact you pay for most things? That he doesn’t buy you gifts? Honestly this early in a relationship he should be treating you! Please be honest with your parents. There is no shame in this for you.

But you do need to change this NOW. What happens if you literally run out of smp and credit available? How will you buy nappies etc? What happens when your debt becomes so big you can’t make minimum payment and bailiffs are knocking at door? You cannot continue to subsidise him or this will be the reality.

Talk to him and work out a fair split of finances that sees neither of you in debt! If he won’t do that then honestly it won’t get any better and you should tell parents and be open to leaving him before debt spirals for you and it affects what should be such a happy time having a new baby.

You’re digging your heels in op which shows you’ve still got a lot of maturing to do.

You won’t be entitled to much, if any UC until baby is here as you won’t have a work allowance yet and will have deductions for savings. Btw they’ll tell you how much savings he has exactly as they’ll require figures from his bank accounts.
You say you feel comfortable with him but yet this whole thread contradicts that.

I hope you see this for what it is sooner rather than later, before this boy reduces you to nothing.

Surely this should have been sorted when you got married. All money in one account. Either everything comes out of there, or if it suits you, you take out an EQUAL monthly amount each of fun money. Maybe I'm getting old but this idea of paying your dh or dw leaves me baffled. And no I don't say that because it benefits me. Over the years dh and I have earned similarly, at the moment I earn more. It all goes in the one pot!

@TeenGirl2024 please talk to your mum - or send her a link to this thread where you have been very honest about what’s been going on. Please also consider what kind of parent this man will be when he can’t even buy you a birthday card and /or find a job (2 jobs even!) to support you and your child. It’s a mark of STRENGTH for you to consider your needs first, rather than clinging on to this man who has shown you exactly who he is: a person who is hanging on to thousands of pounds while he willingly allows his pregnant wife to pay the rent and go into debt.

@TeenGirl2024 if he doesn’t go out, drink or do drugs, then how is he short on money? It obviously doesn’t add up.

Again, request to look at his outgoings. But after all you’ve described you’re better off bolting out of there asap. If this isn’t a windup, I honestly don’t understand why on earth not only you’ve decided to marry him, but also get pregnant.

first of all, why would this be a windup?

I honestly don't know, i do love him that's why i choose to marry him and he seemed like a good person to have a. child with. idk what else to say other than that

@TeenGirl2024 because I’ve been in your shoes when I was a teenager and even then I knew something wasn’t right. It was an unplanned pregnancy, however.

My curiosity was more as to why have a child now at 20 with no such thing as safety net? You just made your life 10x harder for no reason. He has not shown you he is anything but lazy and happy to take advantage of your hard work.

You’re running out of time as it is, but a good test would be to start acting how he does and watch his reactions. His true personality will start to come out.

OP people post all sorts on an anonymous forum what are you hoping for from this thread. People have told you it’s not normal leeching off your pregnant wife is not a healthy or caring relationship. Do you have your own home with your husband what has been his reaction to you sitting down and going through the finances?

I don’t comment on many posts but OP this post has really concerned me.
You have left yourself in an incredibly vulnerable position with none of your own family around and his dysfunctional family whom you don’t like.
I doubt he has had the most stable upbringing which may explain some of his behaviour but this is not a normal, healthy marriage I’m afraid.
Why as your husband would he refuse to show you bank statements? You should know how much savings he has because technically being married they are also your savings.
You haven’t even had the baby yet but you are already in debt!
He has no choice but to dig into his savings to support the family through your maternity. Babies are expensive and you are both struggling to pay rent. If you aren’t breastfeeding, formula is extortionate can you afford that?
This is a mess OP and if you can’t discuss finances with your husband you should not be married.
Im not trying to sound harsh but at this rate you could honestly end up homeless if you can’t pay your rent every month.
What is the long term plan? Will you go back to work? Who will look after baby? Can you afford childcare costs?
I could go on but I’m trying to highlight to shit position you’re in here and all of this should have been discussed pre marriage and pre baby.