Husband gets me to pay

[TeenGirl2024]

Anyone else struggle with every time they go grocery shopping with their husband he doesn't offer to pay and just expects you to pay then doesn't offer to even send half of the money for the stuff or if he does then he "forgets" and never does it??

It's not just that, it's anytime we buy anything or do anything. Last month he was struggling a bit with finances so i paid all of the rent and he said he would do the same this month, yet asked me to pay half?

I wouldn't normally mind a whole lot but i'm on SMP at the minute so it's not like i've got a lot of money to go around. i'm struggling and it's stressing me out because i don't actually have the money and keep putting myself into debt because he doesn't want to touch his savings and apparently doesn't have the money???

Unfortunately this type of behaviour is weaponised incompetence. It will get worse if you don't put a stop to it.
I went through it myself when I was younger but thankfully no kids. Ive seen many friends go through the same.

He doesn't cook and clean "for you" its an adult responsibility of sharing a household so you need to break away from that way of thinking.

If you were house sharing with a friend would you pay for everything? Take on all of the household responsibilities and be grateful if they cooked the odd meal (with food you paid for) and ran a vacuum round once or twice a week? No! You'd speak up or leave! If you wouldn't tolerate it from anyone else a partner is no different.

You need to sit down with a list of joint income and expenditure and household responsibilities and discuss a fair split. If he goes in a huff or refuses to discuss it Unfortunately you need to leave now because once you're also looking after a baby it will be worse.
I originally earned more and we kept seperate accounts but split bills more my way so we had an equal amount each for personal money.
Once we had a child and I went part time i now do more household stuff and childcare but income is all joint income so just because he works more paid hours and earns more he doesn't just get to pocket the extra himself. We have joint savings and an equal amount of personal money every month.
Please speak to him and sort this out now before its too late. Ask him what he would expect to contribute to a shared household if you weren't in a relationship and just lived together?

Yes, if you don't know how much to state, put some rough figures up so the women here can advise.
If not, don't be kind with the amount or you'll always need to ask him to chip in more.
He should give a minimum of £700 pm. That would allow him to save 20% and have £340 for his spends. I take it he has petrol etc., to buy?
Remember too, in marriage savings are not sacrosanct. If you get an emergency bill for say a broken washing machine, those savings must be dug in to.

I am a man. My wife and I get evetything paid into the same account and everything gets paid out of the same account. Seems easier, but at this point of life we are doing ok; I can see why if money was tight/you didn't feel secure in your relationship this might not be perfect for everyone.

At its most benign, he is immature and thoughtless and has not made the mental leap from single and living at home to being married with children. But the fact he fobs you off when you ask him is a red flag. If he was just thoughtless, this should lead to a 'oh my god' moment when he realizes what he is doing. A lot of men seem to see children and life expenses as something for women to pay. But the fact he has savings while you have depleted yours is disgraceful.

This cannot carry on. He needs to start behaving like a grown man. You need to put your foot down. Its going to go one way or another - he will blow up and show his true, selfish colours, or he will get his act together.

OP, when I was married to my ex, he would have hundreds of pounds left over, after bills, each month whereas I was practically skint and borrowing petrol Money off my Dad. It’s not a good way to live

What do your parents say to all this? Have they got any helpful advice, as they presumably know your husband better than us?

I haven't told them about the finance side of things because i know they would be worried for me and i don't want to stress them out.

it terms of my husband though, they think he's a great guy and think he takes good care of me and are really supportive of me and him

I agree with this.

If his own father wasn't the best role model with money it could be that he is a bit naive, but he needs to realise neither you nor him are his parents and their ways will not be how you run your household.

If you do, which by that I mean when you do have a conversation about your finances if he refuses to listen or gets arsey in anyway and shuts the conversation down I'm afraid I'd take that as it's time for you to really think about your future together.

You really don't need to continue in a relationship where you're going to spend the next 50/60 years worring about how you're going to finance yourself, any more future DC you may choose to have with your DH and your DH, that's not the basis for a happy future whether you're married or living with someone.

But they only think this because they done have the full picture. If they knew he wasn't playing fair financially and was causing you to go into debt and be stressed whilst pregnant, they wouldn't consider that a great guy, looking after you or supportive.

You've got married and are having a baby but you're scared to have a conversation about money?

This is completely fucking insane. You need to grow up very, very quickly because at the moment, you're being frighteningly naive and vulnerable. Speak to your parents or get some financial advice because this is an awful situation and you're just passively going along with it. You owe it to your soon-to-be-born baby to sort this out; your husband is absolutely taking you for a ride here and is not a good man. At all. He's not caring and he's not supportive. He's a freeloading twat living off the wage of a girl barely out of her teens and providing fuck-all.

They might see him differently if they knew that he expected you to foot the bills with him saving whilst knowing you were in debt. Your bar is low if you think he’s taking good care of you. You are stressed out by it worrying about their reaction sounds the least of your worries.

Sounds like youve swapped roles

Then he needs to find a second job or a different job straight away. Did your own job not give you any mat pay entitlements?

@rainingsnoring

Unfortunately not. Only thing i get is SMP. I've been trying to convince him to change jobs since we met

@LemondrizzleShark What attracts you to him? He sounds awful.

He gets me, i feel comfortable around him. He's like my best friend

I’ve had a look at the OP’s other threads which are called ‘help,’ ‘terrified’ and ‘unsure’ and I’ve concluded that she really needs a grown up in her life who can help her see some sense. She’s pregnant to a man who doesn’t work full time, still lives with his mum, she’s been working nearly double the hours he does and yet she’s still in debt despite not having rent to pay, she’s not got any qualifications and is not sure if she can continue with her apprenticeship once she’s had a baby, doesn’t know how she will afford a baby and looks to strangers on the internet for reassurance and validation that she’s doing the right thing by ploughing on with this pregnancy. She lives far from her own family, cannot speak to her ‘husband’ about money because she’s afraid of the manboy’s reaction, and also daren’t talk to her own parents about her predicament. She says numerous times on other threads she doesn’t know if she loves him or if he loves her, his father is a gambler frequently absent from the family home, she doesn’t get on well with his mother, her friends (by her own admission) are not good friends, and she seems to conduct most of her communication with others through text message. And yet she has still intentionally got pregnant with what appears to be a waster of a bloke. Her other threads are all seeking validation, and she got it from lots of posters. This thread has not been so reassuring for her. She really needs an adult to support and advise her in real life, because she comes across as a very immature person here who is going to end up in a pretty miserable situation (she’s already 3 quarters of the way there) if she AND her boyfriend (I’m still wondering at what point between her first posts on MN earlier this year and now did they marry) don’t both grow up quickly. And by growing up I don’t mean producing a dependent miniature human being, I mean putting together a plan as a couple that will ensure a stable and safe home for that baby.

a best friend wouldn’t make you pay for everything op. Never.

you seem to be writing what you want him to be like, but then detailing actions which are the complete opposite.

Oh yes, how SUPER ODD to not have a shared bank account. How does anyone manage? And why would a shared bank account be a wise move when this man clearly can’t manage money?

This!!..

If it makes you feel uncomfortable... its spreadsheet time. then you can show and tell! Seeing it in print will strenghten your resolve and leave him with little excuse to argue.

If you pay somthing one month because he cannot... Do an email/text/whatsapp reminder on the day its agreed.. and an email reminder just before its his turn to pay. YOU SHOULD NOT BE PAYING THE WHOLE RENT whilst he pays nothing on your SMP.

Do a list of your bills. (You can probably download six months of your bank statement and cut and paste.)

Then in the next column write who paid them. Then add up how much he paid and how much you paid.

Work out, in percentage terms how much your salary has dropped

And then how much of all the bills you are paying in percentage terms.

Ask him if that is fair. I think there is a website called Fair Play which has lots of advice on this.

Dont make the mistake of letting him say that you should pay the childcare out of your salary... or you will end up paying for everything. You are BOTH parents. You BOTH pay... otherwise it will seem like your job is worth less than his so you have to take all the sick days for the kids.

If he has savings he can use them to pay back the rent he owes you. Send a text if you don't want to say it directly, but he is your husband so maybe its time for a bit of counselling so that you can work on this aspect. Might solve a lot of rows in the long run.

You know now that he's a poor payer and will wiggle out of things to make you pay whilst he builds up his savings. Put a stop to it now. You are a kind and generous person.. and you deserve the same treatment back.. Ask him if he realises this.

He’s not lovely, trust me. You can have sex with him and share a bed but can’t discuss money?

You have a best friend who would be happy for you to be in debt for shared expenses whilst they sit on their savings?

You are going to have a very tricky maternity leave OP. He’s being a bit weasel-like here but he’s going to have to step up when the baby is here. If not you are going to need a new plan sharpish - I think you should talk to your parents.

I had a best friend who conveniently always forgot her wallet. On the third occasion I dropped her. That's no friend.

How much in savings does he have? It might affect your UC. Also until the baby's born you won't be entitled to a lot of UC.