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Original poster

So skint I'm scared

248 replies

Skintandscared24 · 16/09/2024 21:52

Just that really. I'm £600 overdrawn, I have 2 weeks worth of food shopping for a family of 4 to get, plus a £200 payment for my gas and electric for the month so will be about £1100 overdrawn by the time my next wages and child benefit come in. Which will take me to only £300 in the black. And so the cycle will continue.

I've turned the heating off so it doesn't click on and off like previous years, am working an hour each way to work to save on the bus fair. I've cancelled our pet insurance and hope to hell our 17 year old car doesn't get sick. I've even put off getting new glasses as I cannot afford them despite raging headaches.

Can't ask husband for money, he was made redundant recently. Whilst he got an ok payment he needs to pay essentials only such as mortgage, council tax, water, life insurance his phone and then keep the rest to tide him over until he's back in work.

I'm feeling sick with worry. I don't know what to do. Work can't offer me any more hours. I'm looking at evening and weekend work to supplement my income but not getting anywhere at the moment.

Just having a moan really and offloading as an anon post to people who hopefully understand

OP posts:
TheAlchemy · 17/09/2024 11:59

Skintandscared24 · 16/09/2024 22:10

To last until he gets a job he's qualified for. He doesn't want to get any old job Confused

Show quote history

Well he needs to. He needs to find A job until he gets THE job. Is he just sitting at home all day while you go to work and worry about money? I couldn’t stand it. Get him out working doing literally anything until he finds something he’s qualified in.

StrugglingGrief · 17/09/2024 12:00

My dad washed buses when he lost his job. You do what you can.

AnonymousBleep · 17/09/2024 12:02

OP I actually feel angry on your behalf that you're stressing about keeping a roof over your head while your husband is sitting on thousands and moping about doing bugger all while looking for the 'right job.' The job market is dreadful right now, so that could take months, maybe years. In the meantime, he needs to pull his weight and get a temporary job. If he can freelance in his own field, even better. This isn't your problem to solve - it's HIS redundancy that's created the problems and that makes it HIS problem to solve, or at the very least, your joint issue as a couple. Why the hell are you the one who has to solve it alone?

Your husband is a TWAT.

TheSquareMile · 17/09/2024 12:07

Skintandscared24 · 16/09/2024 22:10

To last until he gets a job he's qualified for. He doesn't want to get any old job Confused

Show quote history

@Skintandscared24

I still can't fathom out what he is actually qualified to do, OP.

Which field are his qualifications in and which industry does he have extensive experience of?

sunseaandsoundingoff · 17/09/2024 12:13

Skintandscared24 · 17/09/2024 07:59

Thank you everyone for all the advise and help. I know I have to talk to him. I just want him to get a job, any job.

I've said to him for years that after 20+ years together it's unfair we don't have a joint account and all money is pooled.
He's always paid the bigger bills and me the smaller ones but recently that's shifted and mine tend to cost more than his.

I feel it's especially unfair when I've put my earnings potential (and therefore pension in the long run) to the side to raise our children and work around them.

I've no idea how much exactly he had in redundancy but doing rough sums in my head on average I'd say around 6-8 months equivalent of his full time wages. He was made redundant just under 2 months ago.

I don't know if he has any savings apart from the 3K we have set aside for a boiler as that's on its last legs.

Moving won't be an option either as we have an interest rate of less than 3% and when you factor in the moving costs, legal costs and interest rates we would probably be paying more than we are now.

I've looked at online retailers for glasses, luckily work already paid for the sight test as I work with computers but they are still coming out around £200 ish due to a very high prescription and needing varifocals, then having to have them thinned out to fit in frames.

To those of him who said I sound immature for getting his mum involved, I know it sounds immature. I said that myself. But she's had to help out and kick him into shape once before. Whilst on mat leave I didn't have as much coming in and he didn't help towards my portion of the bills then so ended up with some debt. He listened then so I'm banking on it working now too. But I know I shouldn't have to go to her for this.

It's so bloody hard. He seems to think that if he does any random job he won't be as employable in his field and that being unemployed for a while looks bad on his CV. I get wanting a permanent job rather than temporary but I've tried to tell him that as we have found out the hard way permanent doesn't mean permanent.

He isn't usually up in the mornings when I leave for work as he worked from home. He gets up, drops youngest at school then got to work, so wouldn't know if I walked or got the bus. I just wish I was able to drive as I could use his car, but physically I'm unsafe to do so at the moment.

He needs to do something though, I need an operation early part of next year and I'll be on sick pay for about 2 months.

I used to find my job the most stressful part of my life. Now it's this shit

It's worse to have a gap on your CV vs an unrelated job.

As an employer I'm looking for people who are go-getters. If it's due to illness or looking after a dependent or something that's different. But simply having a break because you've been made redundant, even without knowing the rest of the backstory, isn't very favourable. It comes across as lazy.

OhamIreally · 17/09/2024 12:42

LovingCritic · 16/09/2024 23:24

So, I'm going to chuck in a curveball suggestion OP, I think your DH is full of more poop than our slurry tank.

I'm going to suggest he is, for whatever reason no where near as employable as he'd like to think, managed out under the cover of redundancy as he's no longer fulfilling whatever he has to to the current targets.

And not as in demand on the freelance market as he'd have you believe.

No one with a functioning braincell would be sitting in a cold house, letting the mrs. put it on the never never and munching through a nice saveable lump sum if they could do what they are trained to do for a couple of months for a cool £10K

He's pulling your chain!

Edited

This is what I thought too.

Glamorous24 · 17/09/2024 13:15

OP -
its pretty staggering that you have no financial (or other) transparency in your relationship when you’ve been together so long and have a family.

why are you protecting him? Are you scared of what he might do / how he might react if you reveal the truth of how you’re struggling?

I would say that your biggest problem is that apparently your H has a lack of respect and compassion for you.

His mother is not going to be around to fight battles for you and make him listen forever…

Kelly51 · 17/09/2024 13:24

Never mind a job, he's sitting there with potentially 10s of £1000s and you're walking an hour to work and scared to put the heating on. Absolutely ridiculous, speak up.

SpottySpotSpots · 17/09/2024 13:29

Skintandscared24 · 17/09/2024 07:59

Thank you everyone for all the advise and help. I know I have to talk to him. I just want him to get a job, any job.

I've said to him for years that after 20+ years together it's unfair we don't have a joint account and all money is pooled.
He's always paid the bigger bills and me the smaller ones but recently that's shifted and mine tend to cost more than his.

I feel it's especially unfair when I've put my earnings potential (and therefore pension in the long run) to the side to raise our children and work around them.

I've no idea how much exactly he had in redundancy but doing rough sums in my head on average I'd say around 6-8 months equivalent of his full time wages. He was made redundant just under 2 months ago.

I don't know if he has any savings apart from the 3K we have set aside for a boiler as that's on its last legs.

Moving won't be an option either as we have an interest rate of less than 3% and when you factor in the moving costs, legal costs and interest rates we would probably be paying more than we are now.

I've looked at online retailers for glasses, luckily work already paid for the sight test as I work with computers but they are still coming out around £200 ish due to a very high prescription and needing varifocals, then having to have them thinned out to fit in frames.

To those of him who said I sound immature for getting his mum involved, I know it sounds immature. I said that myself. But she's had to help out and kick him into shape once before. Whilst on mat leave I didn't have as much coming in and he didn't help towards my portion of the bills then so ended up with some debt. He listened then so I'm banking on it working now too. But I know I shouldn't have to go to her for this.

It's so bloody hard. He seems to think that if he does any random job he won't be as employable in his field and that being unemployed for a while looks bad on his CV. I get wanting a permanent job rather than temporary but I've tried to tell him that as we have found out the hard way permanent doesn't mean permanent.

He isn't usually up in the mornings when I leave for work as he worked from home. He gets up, drops youngest at school then got to work, so wouldn't know if I walked or got the bus. I just wish I was able to drive as I could use his car, but physically I'm unsafe to do so at the moment.

He needs to do something though, I need an operation early part of next year and I'll be on sick pay for about 2 months.

I used to find my job the most stressful part of my life. Now it's this shit

He's very wrong about his CV. It looks far worse to have sat doing nothing for several months. But if he is really worried about it, he doesn't actually have to put 'random job' on his CV - he just needs to explain gaps to any future employer. So he can just have something that says he's been job hunting/taking a career break in the months since finishing his previous job anbd doing some freelancing/temporary work - however he wants to phrase it, without going in to detail. They'll either ask him about it in an interview, or not be in the slightest bit interested because it won't be relevant to whether he is qualified for the job he's applying for...

notafanofmarmite · 17/09/2024 17:04

CaptainMyCaptain · 17/09/2024 11:44

If she doesn't get varifocals she'll need 2 pairs (distance and reading) so a false economy. She can still get cheaper frames though some of them are quite nice these days.

Show quote history

Yes. As someone with bad eyesight, cheap glasses are a false economy. If you have a strong prescription, the weight of the glasses can put dents in your nose and in the sides of your head. I still can feel the dents in my head from cheap heavy glasses I had to wear as a kid. And an old prescription = headaches, not being able to drive. A decent pair can last years, and lighter lenses make life so, so much better.

trainboundfornowhere · 17/09/2024 18:19

As others have said you need to speak to your husband and he needs to get a job any job to help with the family finances. My husband is a chartered building surveyor and yet has driven HGVS and worked as a night security guard for a 24 hour Asda when our situation has required it. Once was after Cauda Equina which meant the disks the base of his spine were crushing the nerves at the bottom of his back. A disk was removed and another disk was shaved. He couldn’t go back to what he had been doing as he was effectively banned from building sites for a year. No climbing ladders or scaffolding, no crawling into small spaces and no lifting more than 10kg. So as soon as he was physically able he drove HGVS for 10 months before going back into construction again.

caringcarer · 17/09/2024 18:35

trainboundfornowhere · 17/09/2024 18:19

As others have said you need to speak to your husband and he needs to get a job any job to help with the family finances. My husband is a chartered building surveyor and yet has driven HGVS and worked as a night security guard for a 24 hour Asda when our situation has required it. Once was after Cauda Equina which meant the disks the base of his spine were crushing the nerves at the bottom of his back. A disk was removed and another disk was shaved. He couldn’t go back to what he had been doing as he was effectively banned from building sites for a year. No climbing ladders or scaffolding, no crawling into small spaces and no lifting more than 10kg. So as soon as he was physically able he drove HGVS for 10 months before going back into construction again.

He did this because he cares about his family. It seems OP's husband doesn't give a damn about his family. He is all me me me and what I want.

Nazzywish · 17/09/2024 18:49

Front your update it's clear he not wanting a partnership in the full sense ,just the nice bits that suit him when it suits him. OP you know deep down he isn't what you need him to be. He needs to change or you do for your own sanity.

You sacrificed for the kids and he benefitted. The maternity bit is awful of him. He's on repeat this time too. Have it out with him in no uncertain terms. He needs to pull his weight otherwise what's the point OP your coasting until you can do what..leave? think of all options.

Blondeshavemorefun · 17/09/2024 19:06

He could be earning £500 a day temping but sits at home on his money while you stress

What a knob !!

Celticgold · 17/09/2024 21:29

A gap in his CV is worse than taking a job employers don’t look kindly at gaps. If you work even if it’s not in your chosen field it shows you are willing to be working. Also I had a new boiler recently with a 5 year guarantee was £1500 with fitting this was July this year just a thought if you have £3000 saved for that.

Mookie81 · 17/09/2024 21:52

Skintandscared24 · 16/09/2024 22:10

To last until he gets a job he's qualified for. He doesn't want to get any old job Confused

Show quote history

What an absolute waste of space scumbag piece of shit.

Runnerinthenight · 17/09/2024 22:18

Ohfuckrucksack · 17/09/2024 09:40

In terms of £200 glasses - you don't get to pick these, you get to pick the cheap ones.

I know you said you need varifocals and that you have thinned lenses to fit the frames - but these are choices you are making

You said your work pays for eye test - they will also pay for the cheapest VDU/close work glasses - pick the cheapest smallest frames and live with the thick lenses.

You have to live to your means - which means you pick the frames you can afford and are small enough not to require lens thinning - or live with thick lenses .

But mostly, you have a DH problem - fix that first and you won't need to do the above.

Maybe those are the cheapest? My last set of lenses alone cost £450 and I used the same glasses again! Varifocals are hardly a choice!

Why should the OP have to live with thick lenses when her dick of a husband won't work and won't pay???!

Terea · 18/09/2024 00:10

Ask him if he still wants to be with you.
my exh was like yours. He didn’t pull his weight when unemployed, all the usual excuses, and ultimately I fell out of love with him. He made himself unlovable.

LovingCritic · 18/09/2024 23:34

Skintandscared24 · 17/09/2024 07:59

Thank you everyone for all the advise and help. I know I have to talk to him. I just want him to get a job, any job.

I've said to him for years that after 20+ years together it's unfair we don't have a joint account and all money is pooled.
He's always paid the bigger bills and me the smaller ones but recently that's shifted and mine tend to cost more than his.

I feel it's especially unfair when I've put my earnings potential (and therefore pension in the long run) to the side to raise our children and work around them.

I've no idea how much exactly he had in redundancy but doing rough sums in my head on average I'd say around 6-8 months equivalent of his full time wages. He was made redundant just under 2 months ago.

I don't know if he has any savings apart from the 3K we have set aside for a boiler as that's on its last legs.

Moving won't be an option either as we have an interest rate of less than 3% and when you factor in the moving costs, legal costs and interest rates we would probably be paying more than we are now.

I've looked at online retailers for glasses, luckily work already paid for the sight test as I work with computers but they are still coming out around £200 ish due to a very high prescription and needing varifocals, then having to have them thinned out to fit in frames.

To those of him who said I sound immature for getting his mum involved, I know it sounds immature. I said that myself. But she's had to help out and kick him into shape once before. Whilst on mat leave I didn't have as much coming in and he didn't help towards my portion of the bills then so ended up with some debt. He listened then so I'm banking on it working now too. But I know I shouldn't have to go to her for this.

It's so bloody hard. He seems to think that if he does any random job he won't be as employable in his field and that being unemployed for a while looks bad on his CV. I get wanting a permanent job rather than temporary but I've tried to tell him that as we have found out the hard way permanent doesn't mean permanent.

He isn't usually up in the mornings when I leave for work as he worked from home. He gets up, drops youngest at school then got to work, so wouldn't know if I walked or got the bus. I just wish I was able to drive as I could use his car, but physically I'm unsafe to do so at the moment.

He needs to do something though, I need an operation early part of next year and I'll be on sick pay for about 2 months.

I used to find my job the most stressful part of my life. Now it's this shit

Moving will be an option when you run out of money to pay the mortgage, money lenders are funny about stuff like that.

You need to get him to take this magical £500 a day temp work, which won't materialise, because if it was there he would have taken it.. Then he needs to face the reality that whatever he did there are likely oodles of young wunderkinds with better degrees that cost the employers less, and sadly he is a busted flush.

This is a hard pill to swallow, but swallowed it must be, then he has to swallow his pride and look outside the box, first just to make some money, then to look to creatively leverage what skills and qualifications he has to maximum effect making as much as he can.

I'm a man, been in a similar position, he is likely secretly worried, depressed even, making excuses so as not to face the issue doing all the alpha hunter gatherer bollocks act we chaps tend to do, strong and silent my arse!, have a good old cry, let it all out and get on getting on. What he needs to do is what I had to and look at plan B, which wasn't easy, but 10 years on I'd never, ever think of looking back.

NiftyKoala · 19/09/2024 00:40

My father was laid off from a mine when I was young. 20 years so he chose to take early retirement. He actually struggled to find a job for a bit. This man took a custodian job for almost a year until he got the job he wanted in his field and worked there until he retired again but for real. That is what you do.

TheOwlAndThePussycatCannotSwim · 19/09/2024 02:02

Just a tiny sample of immediate start jobs where I live (deprived area):
pharmacy dispenser, cafe assistant, optician's assistant, admin worker, employment advisor, carer, IT assistant, delivery driver, care home activities coordinator, warehouse assistant, TA, online tutor, adult education/vocational skills trainer for prisoners, sales advisor, facilities assistant, stock room helper, receptionist, painter and decorator, viewings agent for estate agent, postie, driver with £500 welcome bonus....

Sorry, I'm raging on your behalf.😕

He needs to get off his backside and take care of his family.
Good luck

Mummamamamama · 19/09/2024 21:49

sorry this is happening to you ☹️ please tell your husband that any job is better than a gap on his CV. With a gap these so called skilled jobs will push him down a peg over other applicants and the cycle will last longer

Zone2NorthLondon · 22/09/2024 14:15

Ok,the any job is better than no job advice. Not sure that’s the best advice given he can get a related locum job but chooses not too
Suggestion is his niche skills command £500 per day and he’s waiting on right role. Let’s say he’s an actuary (that’s niche😀,) and can get a short term locum or work in retail or hospitality . If he jumps into retail or hospitality it’ll look odd frankly, given he can (should) take short term £500 day job til right job come along. I don’t think employer will think gosh! He’s got chutzpah taking that retail job when he could actually work on a day rate in job he’s trained for, they’ll probably think wtf? Why’s he doing this

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