To be furious at my husband for catching Covid?

[Bookishnerd]

To give context first - my DH has tested positive today, but he’s fine. We’re all boosted. He’s just got a bit of a cough and is tired.

He’s a good guy, but I am LIVID.

I think he caught it from going out on Friday night. Like most people, we’ve had a really rough year. My husband doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t go out very much. We’ve had it rough this year - we have a 20-month-old, no family nearby and my DH works shifts. My DS doesn’t sleep well and we’re all knackered.

I went out to a small gathering in someone’s house a few weeks ago, though I wasn’t drinking, there were four of us and we were distanced and well-ventilated. We all lateral flowed before we went. It was also pre Omicron.

My DH was due to go to his office party, but it was cancelled. A few people wanted to go out anyway, and he decided to go. I asked him not to. I was very measured, saying that I absolutely thought he should go out with his friends, but that I thought they should do it outdoors in a beer garden etc. I explained that I was worried about Omicron, especially so close to Christmas. We don’t have any childcare so I didn’t want to get wiped out over the festive period. Reader, he went anyway. And today he tested positive.

Of course he could’ve got it anywhere. He works outside the home, and omicron is everywhere right now. I could’ve brought it in too.

But. But. I bloody TOLD HIM SO.

And now I’m facing a Christmas with him in isolation and me doing all the childcare. Cooking Christmas dinner on my own, dealing with my DS’s shit sleep, and I’m working right up until Christmas Eve. I’m also scared of getting it myself. I’m overweight and am under investigation for some health things. I’m not clinically vulnerable, but I still don’t want to get it.

I don’t want to make my DH feel any worse, so of course I am just seething instead of saying anything. But he hasn’t even acknowledged that it might’ve been a poor decision.

Am I being unreasonable?

@bg21

dick

There is more than one dick, but the OP isn’t one of them!

I’m really sorry you’re going through this. Don’t blame yourself for being annoyed- I shouted at my husband when he tested positive after a night out with work! Felt bad afterwards but that was my initial panicked reaction. The likelihood is whatever you do you will catch it too. We all did- family of four. Turned myself inside out for days ferrying meals on trays to his isolation room! What a joke. All got it anyway. Give yourself a break- quit isolating, accept it will be fine, let him shoulder his share of whatever he can manage and settle in for a quiet cosy Christmas. Sending much love and best wishes xx

Sorry you are struggling OP.

I am guessing that if you have health concerns you don't want to catch this if at all possible . Therefore I would suggest that you and your DH try to keep separate within your household as much as possible .

I'm also going to suggest that you put Christmas on hold for a week. Your DS is only 20 months so the date doesn't mean anything to him . Don't go attempting to cook a full Christmas dinner yourself, just take things easy and wait until your DH is feeling better and you can have Christmas together a few days later (get him to LFT after a few days to check when he's no longer contagious)

The other option is if he's not feeling too bad he can do his share and help with cooking, child care etc but you may prefer not to do this option if you prefer to do what you can to stop yourself and your toddler from catching it.

Try and relax get (some) sleep tonight, easier said than done I know.
Take the pressure off yourself regarding Christmas Day and just go with the flow. If toddler wants chicken nuggets for Christmas dinner let them carry on and you just have something quick and easy.
Toddler won't remember and will just enjoy spending time with you and opening some presents.
I hope you don't catch it

You are very perceptive when you say you think you are projecting your anger onto him. I'm sure that's right. It's so much easier to take out our anger on our loved ones than to rail at an uncaring world.

It's so hard at the moment to know what level of exposure to the outside world is prudent. I have abandoned my plans to go to the theatre tomorrow. I will lose the price of the ticket but to me it's worth it not to be travelling in trains and tubes across London and then sitting in an auditorium potentially full of the unvaxxed or unmasked. But I am desperate to to go to my normal fitness class on Friday to get a final workout before the holiday weekend. But I would be kicking myself if I missed out on the theatre and then picked up CoVid at the the gym. Equally I'll be kicking myself if I'm sluggish and lethargic because I didn't get a work out.

YABU, it's not your DH's fault. How do you know he didn't get it at work or even you if you have it asymptomatically.

I don't know if you're still here op but take some comfort from my anecdote
I got Covid last year. None of the colleagues I had worked with the day before I went sick got it. Neither did DH or DD. I was wiped out for 3 days then felt AOK.
DD's BF got it a few weeks ago. None of her family nor DD got it, despite the fact that they had been cuddled up hugging the day before she went off. Her mum thought she had it but she didn't, she had 3 PCRs which were all negative (she's a GP)
None of DDs school friends that have had it have passed it on to their families.

And DDs friends mum is CEV due to various health conditions.

Just read your update, glad you didn't say anything to your DH, and hope he has a speedy recovery. You definitely sound like you have a lot on your plate right now, is there anyone who can support you IRL? Even though DH is unwell, he could sit in the living room with DS (windows open) to give you a bit of a break.

I can completely imagine feeling the same OP, even if it is unreasonable

Is there any scope for using this as a catalyst for change? I.e. is arranging any occasional childcare possible? Any sleep solutions you haven’t tried yet? Agree you get your x hours each week to have a bath/do yoga/go for a walk so you get a bit of headspace while your partner looks after your child?

I don’t think that you’re in the wrong here.

Don’t cook Christmas lunch - your child will have no idea or memory. He’s 1.

@Bookishnerd

Ok so it seems like maybe I’m being unreasonable. I’m just so pissed off with everything right now. Maybe I’m projecting my anger onto him

YRNBU I’d be livid to. He risked bringing covid home to you and your children by being selfish and going on the night out anyway. Now he gets to sit around while you carry the load.

@Bookishnerd don't worry. We are all frazzled. We have a Covid DC in the house. No one else has picked it up but he's kept quite out of our way and we open all the windows etc. Our visitors are cancelled but I'm looking forward to a couple of Xmas duvet days. As your DH is fine just try and avoid getting it but enjoy a relaxing day.
I know loads of people who have now got it out of nowhere including my DC. ( not aware of any close contacts with it)

@Bookishnerd

Hi *@PurpleDaisies*. Thanks!

I’m so bloody tired. I’m so angry at the world and I want it all to stop. I’ve had enough.

And of course I was never going to say anything to him, and I’m glad I’ve checked in because I feel very contrite and embarrassed.

Please stop kicking me now MN!

I know how you feel OP. My DH broke two bones in his foot being stupid on the beach yesterday morning. He has been in hospital since until he had an operation this morning and is now in plaster for 4-6 weeks. We have 3 DC - 2, 4 and 7 (on 30th Dec). Christmas Day we had all planned out long country and beach walk , home for soup and cheese on toast lunch and then non-Christmas dinner at night. That's off. Were going to PIL for a Christmas lunch on Boxing Day - that's off. I am so fed up with him for being stupid but glad he is ok. He is currently in bed with his foot elevated on pillows and I am downstairs with a large G and T watching tv. Almost the whole of the next 4-6 weeks childcare will now be on me.

@Bookishnerd Have you seen conclusive proof that he has covid?

Coz it's funny really, how SO many men (especially with wives, and school age children ) seem to suddenly get 'ILL' at Christmas.

If he is genuinely ill and DOES have covid, then YABU as it's not really his fault. Still, pretty shit for you.

Well I'm sure he didn't catch it on purpose.

I’m totally in the same boat as you just now. He works outside and has been really nowhere else so his one night out last Saturday has to be where he caught it. As I dropped him off I said ‘wear a mask, sit at a table, don’t stand in crowds’. The next day I asked if he’d listened to me and his hungover response was ‘I can hardly wear a mask while drinking can I?’.

He went to work all week, didn’t mention anything to me (always sort of rolls his eyes when I mention covid) but he felt so rough on Wednesday morning he bought paracetamol at work. On Saturday morning I was doing a lateral flow as I was going to a friend’s that night. I had been humming and hawing all week about going or not because I really didn’t think it was a good idea given it was a week before Christmas. I made him do a lateral flow too. He even jokingly kidded on he was going to kiss me before doing it and I pushed him away saying we’d wait and see what it said first 😂 almost the second he put the drops on a second line came up straightaway! I ran out the room and shut the door. I felt like at that moment he realised what a terrible idea the night out was 🙈

We all went for a PCR and I even tested the baby as I wanted to know whether we all had it and really it was him I wanted to keep safe out of it. We went in separate cars to the test as well. His result came back positive on Sunday, ours was negative so to keep the baby from getting it he’s been shut in our bedroom with the door shut all week while I deliver meals to the door, wash, cook, clean, look after our son, sterilise bottles, try to keep my Etsy shop going, wash surfaces non stop, provide him with a drink on the hour every hour and try to calm the over-excitable dog down (he has been out with friends when they can manage to take him) 🤦🏼‍♀️

Isolation has gone in SO quick because I’ve literally just been sprinting round the house trying to do two jobs at once at all times. I’m absolutely knackered by night time and I haven’t even left the house 😰 Just glad our baby does sleep so I can’t complain on that front and we’re very lucky to have been able to work out it started on the Wednesday or earlier so he’s out on Christmas Day but now it’s just trying to decide whether we have Christmas alone or trust it’s safe enough to go to my parents

Hope you manage to get through it all. If things don’t get done, try not to stress 😕 I’ve tried casting it up but he has the argument of ‘I could have got it anywhere’ and he’s right, he could, it’s just about one million times more likely he got it in the crowded bar where everyone roars over the top of each other to be heard but whatever

YABU. I have covid and have to isolate for 10 days which wipes out everything I had planned. I ache all over, feel a bit breathless and have a thumping head and sore throat. I am a single parent to two kids who are stuck isolating with me, and I still have to make dinner etc.

He should have been more careful, but it is what it is. Make sure you get some time to chill out once he can leave isolation.

Yanbu imo.

I don't think it's reasonable to be upset with him because he caught a highly transmissable virus, but I do think you're justified in feeling unheard and undervalued or even just not considered.

I think the sensible thing for every one to have done this past week would have been to mitigate unnecessary contact so that it reduces the risk of catching covid before Christmas.

So to me, it's not that your husband caught covid, or even that he went out to see friends, it's that you explained you didn't think it was a good idea but he just went and did it any way and he's too proud to admit it might have been a silly idea.

Or maybe he knew the possible consequences of his actions would likely not fall on him, cooking, cleaning, childcare etc and decided that it was worth the risk, hence the inconsiderate part.

@Bookishnerd

For those who didn’t RTFT

• I never said that I would act on these feelings. I wasn’t going to speak to him about it while he was poorly

• I have admitted I was unreasonable.

• I’m exhausted. I’m low. I’m lonely. Christmas was the one bloody highlight in this godawful year. I was looking forward to it. It’s going to be different and I am not coping well with it.

I have said I was unreasonable. Isn’t that what this thread is for? Checking your innermost fears to see whether your moral antenna is on point or out of kilter?

You don’t know what I’ve been through this year. I’ve said I feel like a knob. Lay off

Lay off @Bookishnerd. I hope in spite of it all, @Bookishnerd that you have a Happy Christmas, and your DH gets better very soon. You are never unreasonable to have feelings, only to act upon them in a destructive way, and you didn’t. You reflected and did the right thing. Pat yourself on the back for that and do not beat yourself up too much.

Unless he is unwell I don't see why you are doing everything yourself.

Sorry this happened to you. I don't think you are BU, I would feel exactly the same. However I would speak to him and tell how I feel rather than keep it inside.

Hope you're okay

While I agree that you are being unreasonable, I also realize that you are being very, very human. You are tired, you are a bit frightened, and you are facing yet another horrible, nowhere-near-normal Christmas. I think that a lot of your anger is not anger at all, but that fear coming out. Will you get sick? Will the baby get sick? If you get sick, who will manage the household? So often, we express fear as anger, because it is easier for us to "keep on keeping on" through anger than through fear. Hang in there, forgive him (even if he isn't at fault, YOU need this), forgive yourself (not like you took a bat to his head), take a deep breath, and try to take each day as it comes. Most of what you are fearing may never come to pass.

I think how you feel makes sense. I’d feel like that too. And other people I know in this situation also feel like that.