To be furious at my husband for catching Covid?

[Bookishnerd]

To give context first - my DH has tested positive today, but he’s fine. We’re all boosted. He’s just got a bit of a cough and is tired.

He’s a good guy, but I am LIVID.

I think he caught it from going out on Friday night. Like most people, we’ve had a really rough year. My husband doesn’t have many friends and doesn’t go out very much. We’ve had it rough this year - we have a 20-month-old, no family nearby and my DH works shifts. My DS doesn’t sleep well and we’re all knackered.

I went out to a small gathering in someone’s house a few weeks ago, though I wasn’t drinking, there were four of us and we were distanced and well-ventilated. We all lateral flowed before we went. It was also pre Omicron.

My DH was due to go to his office party, but it was cancelled. A few people wanted to go out anyway, and he decided to go. I asked him not to. I was very measured, saying that I absolutely thought he should go out with his friends, but that I thought they should do it outdoors in a beer garden etc. I explained that I was worried about Omicron, especially so close to Christmas. We don’t have any childcare so I didn’t want to get wiped out over the festive period. Reader, he went anyway. And today he tested positive.

Of course he could’ve got it anywhere. He works outside the home, and omicron is everywhere right now. I could’ve brought it in too.

But. But. I bloody TOLD HIM SO.

And now I’m facing a Christmas with him in isolation and me doing all the childcare. Cooking Christmas dinner on my own, dealing with my DS’s shit sleep, and I’m working right up until Christmas Eve. I’m also scared of getting it myself. I’m overweight and am under investigation for some health things. I’m not clinically vulnerable, but I still don’t want to get it.

I don’t want to make my DH feel any worse, so of course I am just seething instead of saying anything. But he hasn’t even acknowledged that it might’ve been a poor decision.

Am I being unreasonable?

I completely understand your feelings. My son brought it home from school and I felt absolutely gutted and fuming. I haven't once expressed this to him, he felt guilty enough and kept apologising for ruining Christmas.
Once my rational thoughts kicked in I realised it was one of those things, bound to happen and just shit timing. I've since tested positive myself, am feeling crap and don't even have the energy to wrap Xmas presents. I need to find some energy as it's just me and the 2 children so the show must go on.
You'll feel better about it all once the initial shock and anger has passed

I sympathise OP. It's tough on you, that's for sure. Especially with little one up at night, too. I hope you get some rest over Christmas. Please don't feel you have to make a big effort this year. It's just too much.

Why are you doing all the childcare. I've just had covid and it hasn't been a free pass to not look after my baby. If anything he can't leave the house so will have to do more!

Sorry to read all this, especially that you're not near to your family and have had a shit year. As others have said, it's the lack of sleep!!! I hate everything and everyone when I'm exhausted, I remember the feeling so well from DS2 who was a terrible sleeper... Hope you can keep it fairly simple and still have a nice Christmas day. If all else fails, get CBeebies on...

Poor you OP. Hope you've worked out how to hide the thread. ( Up the top, just underneath the board title).
Try not to take it personally - so many people fail to RTFT.

Wishing you some sleep and a bit of time to relax and chill.

Id feel the same as you...but im angry with everything and anything... ive had enough of everything too

Going against the grain a little, I don't think YAB entirely U.

Yes, he could have got it elsewhere. Nonetheless, I don't think 'can you sack off work drinks in a context where we're being advised to prioritise the contact that really matters' is a big ask for someone who's married & wants a family Xmas.

Life can’t stop.

Well, it can for OP’s DH who decided a night out was more important than pulling his weight over Christmas.

I’m with you OP. I’d be fuming, except my DH would know better than to put his family at risk like that. All this “oh he could have caught it anywhere” yeah, sure he could, but if you want to look at the most risky place to catch it, it’s in a pub, where he didn’t need to be, given all the advice recently has been not to do that.

I’d be really angry if my husband did that.

I actually think that you’ve got a point. Your DH showed a bit of poor judgement. The party was canceled because it’s a bad idea but he went out anyway without precautions (was inside rather then outside). He could get Covid anywhere but he’s got it after going out and there’s a high possibility that he caught it there. I’m not surprised at your initial reaction. We don’t have family in UK, only 3 of us. DD has additional needs. DH and I always consider the impact of our actions on the whole family because if one of us is out it’s difficult for the other to cope with everything. When you don’t have back up from family and friends you need to be more careful. Yes, I know it’s boring concept but it’s true.

You were completely unreasonable and you've acknowledged that.
I'm pretty sure everyone on this thread has felt that kind of frustration before. Where you know you are probably aiming it in the wrong direction but you feel so low/mad at the world/frustrated/exhausted you can't always control where you let the resentment land. I mean, it's gotta land somewhere and we all misdirect it at times. No kicking from me, the timing just sucks

I don’t think you’re being unreasonable at all. Firstly because he chose to take a risk on for both of you, which you disagreed with. Secondly because it sounds shit so no wonder you feel low.

Btw I didn’t isolate when I had covid - dh couldn’t get off work, kids needed childcare, laundry needed doing, food cooking. I wore an n95 mask and had good (cold!) ventilation.

As for the PP who was cross at her husband for testing in the first place - crikey!

OP I would be angry too. And yes you’re angry at DH - again I would be too actually because it’s increasing his exposure unnecessarily.

Take care of yourself.

He could have caught it a anywhere! Poor guy, you need to relax a but.

YABVVU

Yabu. Lots of single parents have to do it all by themselves year in year out. I know it's not great but honestly count your blessings.

I don't think you're unreasonable to be annoyed despite some holier than thou posters. Obviously wiser people had the Christmas work do cancelled. Going out meant that he took an unnecessary risk. You'll never know if that's how he caught it but he was prepared to increase the risk of wrecking Xmas for you and leave you with all the work for an extended period so he could go out drinking with his workmates for one evening. And double that if you have some health issues and other risk factors for covid and you're already exhausted.

When we were in your situation with young children we both made a mutual decision to stop participating in a vey high risk sport. We thought that even if one of just got a broken leg rather than a neck it would still be dreadful with one of us not being mobile. It's just a matter of probability and I think your husband misjudged it.

I would be calling him out on this - for the increased risk more than the covid. I'd actually be expecting an unprompted apology. If I didn't get one, he'd be served cheese on toast for Christmas dinner!

I'd be absolutely furious too. Ragingly so. We're all running on fumes. We've hung in there until Christmas, some of us are lucky enough to get time off work, and it's just the cherry on a dog turd cake of the year that the nice time you no doubt had planned now has a virus hanging over it.

YANBU to be disappointed, angry, upset. YABU to direct this at your husband, not the situation we're all in. But you know this.

I personally wouldn't get him to isolate in the house - as in, hide away in one room. Obviously he can't go out, and I understand why you might feel you can't either even though if you're fully vaccinated, you can if you test every day. And that's rubbish. But try and reframe your Christmas expectations - if his symptoms remain mild, turn on the christmas films, open the cheese and wine (IT'S A BUSINESS MEETING) and try and have a nice cosy family time together.

I'm so sorry you didn't get the Christmas you wanted x

[quote Bookishnerd]@LizzieSiddal I don’t know how and Google isn’t helping![/quote]
Do you want me to report the thread and ask for it to be taken down?

Hi OP, so sorry you got handed your arse a bit on here, but maybe just leave us to it now, try and resist the temptation to keep checking.

If you do stay on here , can I suggest you chuck all your Christmas plans, put things in the freezer or give to someone else, and if you can afford to, just pick up “Christmas” at M&S or a petrol station with M&S food.

not sure if it is still the case, but I know that pre-Covid I was in the UK and astonished to see all the stuff we needed to throw lunch together, at the petrol station!

In theory he should be feeling better in another couple of days, and as others have said, if you all isolate together, then you don’t need to do everything.

Seriously, if ever there was a time to drop your standards, this is it.

1 - take a test yourself as soon as you think it will show anything
2 - get your favourite food/Christmas stuff at the garage
3 - pick up YOUR favourite anything, food, booze, sweets,
4 - get a free trial on a streaming service you don’t already have - it should last 7 days
5 - lower your expectations, that’s right, down there…no, lower,
6 - if it makes you feel better, plan a couple of zooms with friends/family, or just hunker down.

I know it’s shit, and I see that this is the straw that broke the camel’s back, wallow in it a bit, and make the most of the excuse to spoil yourselves.

“Lean in” to your DH - give him a massive hug, if you feel you can, and say that you are pissed off with him, and know it’s entirely unreasonable (IF that’s how you feel), and that it’s just because you were so looking forward to some happy/allowed break together. My feeling is that part of the reason it’s causing you so much heartache is because deep down you feel slightly unreasonable and certainly as if you can’t say anything out loud to him. So tell him,, with the caveat that it’s “not personal”.

My year has been pretty interesting, but I thought I was on top of it. I’ve just found out I have a tumour, and already have surgery booked in 10 days time. It’s causing all sorts of havoc with my health, but not actually CA, so I’m giving up, feeling sorry for myself, and the kids will just have to cope with slightly less in their stockings, and some people won’t have gifts delivered til new year. If ever there was a year to get away with it, its this one!

and a huge non-MN-approved hug.

Hey OP,

Yanbu for being annoyed
Yabu to be angry at DH

It’s been a really shit year and your exhausted

It sounds like the straw the broke the camels back.

I’m glad you came here to vent and I hope you fell better

Of course he could’ve got it anywhere. He works outside the home, and omicron is everywhere right now. I could’ve brought it in too

Yes, it is. And yes, you could.

Stop blaming him.

@Royalbloo

It's bloody everywhere - you've no idea where he got it from and it's a bit rich to have had a gathering and then have a go at him for doing the same?! If you were vulnerable and shielding, I'd get it. But you aren't and you weren't, as you met your friends. YABU in my opinion. Massively.

There are massive differences in the two situations and *@Bookishnerd* is right to be annoyed! She was meeting with 3 friends, social distancing properly and with plenty of ventilation, plus it was pre Omicron!

I agree that no one can be certain where her dh caught Covid, but he certainly did things that increased significantly the chances of him catching it. Her dh went out when his work’s night out had been cancelled, which will be because of the increase in cases due to the Omicron variant and the extra guidelines being brought in! He will have went to places where it is impossible to socially distance and mixed with dozens of people in crowded, poorly ventilated spaces.

Now, he’s got Covid, so Bookish will have to do everything over Christmas herself, while he gets out of helping with childcare and preparations and can sit back and relax, while the Op is run ragged! Plus, he hasn’t even got the decency to apologise!

The best Christmas I've ever had was a couple of years ago. DH was working, I was on nights and I just couldn't be arsed with all the family running around. Dd and I ordered all our favourite Chinese takeaway dishes on Christmas Eve and put them in the fridge for Christmas Day. We spent the day playing board games, playing with her new toys and eating Chinese in front of the fire.

I say you take the opportunity to have a super chilled Christmas, OP. You don't need to isolate, you still have time to get some lovely bits in. Scrap the traditional dinner and make the most of one of the rare years you get to opt out of it all.

Lots of single parents have to do it all by themselves year in year out.

But OP isn’t a single parent. Not sure why you think this is relevant.

I don't think you're being the least bit unreasonable. I would want to murder him.

I do think you should have been kinder to yourself and not started an AIBU thread.
Take care.