Covid has ruined my life

[Iwannabelikeyouohh]

Covid has broken me. It’s changed my life and I can never go back to the person I was.

It merged its ugly head just as I’d given birth to my first baby.
I can’t put into the words the fear I felt.
I remember driving to my mums, sat in the car crying, my baby in the back and I wouldn’t even open the windows Incase I caught Covid.

I’ve never, In my life felt fear like it.

I was ready to quit my job because I just couldn’t possibly go back to work after maternity, I couldn’t send my son to nursery because of the fear.

I did go back to work and I did send my son to nursery.

I had my first vaccine and I felt like things were feeling better. I had AZ early, as i have a high BMI.
Then the blood clots came about and as I’m
under 40 I just couldn’t bring myself to have the second dose.

I wasn’t just a bit scared, I was petrified.
I was in such a bad state I took myself to A&E and a dr there arranged for me to have Pfizer as my second dose.

I now worry daily that I’m not protected, I worry that I’m not fully vaccinated or that I’m going to have a bad reaction for mixing my doses.

I see a psychologist for high intensity CBT and I take 200mg of Sertraline but my life is just no better.

I cannot… CANNOT live normally along side Covid.
It’s just too hard.

I think about it all day, every day.

I convince myself every day that I have symptoms, I have PCR tests most weeks.
I no longer trust my own judgement because I just don’t know if I have symptoms or if I feel unwell or not.

I just really don’t want to die on a ventilator, the fear consumes me.

Im beyond help. My psychologist keeps telling me I have an irrational fear, but how is it irrational when people are dying from Covid?! Young healthy people.

I’m in my 30’s but I’m not healthy, I’m morbidly obese with a BMI.
I know people will tell me to lose weight but I’m just not in the mindset for that. It’s really not that easy when you’re as depressed and anxious as I am.

I can’t talk to people about how I feel, so I internalise and eat to deal with my feelings.

None of my work colleagues know what I’m dealing with and I can guarantee if you met me in person you would never know what I’m going through.

On the outside I come across as okay.
I work part time, look after my son.
I take care of my appearance (I mean I wash, my hair is nice, I wear make up, I wear nice clothes albeit a size 20)

On the inside, Its horrible, my mind is consumed, utterly consumed with Covid and death.
Repetitive thoughts, panic, fear.

I’ve spoken to my Dr, my health visitor, had low level CBT, high intensity CBT and now under the care of a psychologist. Nothing helps me.

I contacted the crisis team, I took myself to A&E, I begged to be sectioned, all I got was a physiologist who I see once a week.

I don’t know what the point of my post is really.

I just don’t have anyone else to talk to and I’m living in a lonely, scary world.

My husband tries to support me but doesn’t know how.

I have a beautiful beautiful little boy, he’s so clever and funny and super super happy.
I don’t know how with a mum like me!!

Covid has ruined my life, which I know sounds so incredibly selfish in comparison to those who have suffered much, much worse than I have.

I’m just sat here waiting for it to take me.

I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

@RosieLemonade

I said this on one of your other threads and got jumped on but repeatedly visiting this board is not going to help your recovery in anyway.

I do agree with this

@RosieLemonade

I said this on one of your other threads and got jumped on but repeatedly visiting this board is not going to help your recovery in anyway.

Absolutely this. For a time some of the posts on here really, really didn't help my mental health re covid. Even if you don't stop watching the news/checking daily stats, give the covid board a wide berth.

Have only skimmed the thread so apologies if this has been mentioned before and/or you've covered it in your CBT.

Thoughts aren't facts. Thoughts aren't true. Thoughts are just a series of random ideas that pop into your head and there's no way of controlling what you think about. However once a thought is in your head you can control what you do with it. At the moment one thought is leading to another until you fall into a vortex of panic.

You can stop this by using the rational side of your brain, which means putting your thoughts on 'trial' by writing them down then looking at the evidence for and against that thought.

A thought record will give you the structure you need to do this;

www.getselfhelp.co.uk/docs/ThoughtRecordSheet7.pdf

Get used to filling it in as soon as a horrible thought goes through your mind, before it takes hold and sends you into a panic.

The STOPP technique will also help you to respond to thoughts rather than react to thoughts;

@RosieLemonade

I said this on one of your other threads and got jumped on but repeatedly visiting this board is not going to help your recovery in anyway.

I'll probably get jumped on to for saying what I did.

I don't see the benefit of posting this and making it clear nothing about the situation can change as you don't want to try losing weight because of your mental state.

Losing weight and increased activity will improve your mental state so it's so counter productive.

You have to want to do it though and OP came on to tell everyone how bad it is and how she can't take any steps to improve it herself. I'm not sure what the answer is.

I think lots of people have been broken by covid. My neighbour works as a receptionist at a GP surgery and says most calls there daily are people
Now struggling with mental health. It’s shocking.

You need to push through and keep swimming like Nemo. It will get better, this will go away and you’ll enjoy life again

I'm sorry Covid has taken such a toll on your mental health. The tragic irony is the pain and suffering you've been going through worrying about catching Covid are 100x worse than catching Covid would ever likely be, even if you caught it badly.

I remember having similar health anxieties in my later teenage years, so I can understand the trauma. I really hope you get through this and get the help you need.

Maybe this is the wrong advice but just as a suggestion, can you channel your anxious energy into absolute anger at the media and government whose daily repeated doom-mongering has caused you to feel this way and have this daily fear? I know anger isn’t the best emotion but equally perhaps getting angry and having a ‘how dare they have caused so much mental difficulty to me and people I care about’ attitude will help to overcome fear and bring you up to a level where you can think rationally again and take back some control over your thoughts?
Once you are there you can drop your anger levels and hopefully start to get on with your life once you are able to think rationally again. For example, I bet pre covid you never thought twice about catching a cold or the flu or even really cared if someone at work was a bit under the weather with something. At your age, you have such a minute chance of falling seriously ill with covid, especially as you are vaccinated, so you should one day be able to live your life as you did before.
I do really feel for you though, what has taken place over the past 18 months in terms of social psychology is absolutely criminal.

Finally, just in case it helps in any way, I am slightly older than you and had covid and I can honestly tell you that it felt a bit like a 3 day hangover and no more. No breathing trouble, no extreme fatigue and zero problems after recovery. I know all we hear about are the extreme cases or the long covid issues but there are plenty of people out there who fought it off no problem and it’s important for people to hear this too.

@ActonSquirrel

It's hard to know what to say when you say you're in a mess but can't or won't take any steps to address it. You have to want to change.

I’m not entirely sure how you’ve come to this conclusion?

Did you miss my OP which stated how much help I’ve asked for? Or that I’m seeing a weekly psychologist and on the highest dose of Sertraline?!

Or is it just my weight you are referring to?

OP it’s only experiencing problems with health anxiety in recent years (triggered by a specific incident, so started in my mid 30’s) that I’ve really started to understand how debilitating it can be.

I never had much patience for people before - I felt that they had to be proactive and take steps to get better. And while I know that is true, I also know that when we are caught up in it and really in the thick of it, being proactive is so incredibly difficult,

Anxiety is a fucker isn’t it.

However you are clearly a capable woman - you function at work, take care of your child, and you’ve advocated and got yourself support. So the first thing I’d say is stop telling yourself you can’t improve things - you can. I’m not saying anxiety won’t always be with you to an extent, perhaps it will - but at the least it will reduce.

This definitely isn’t PND is it?? If you haven’t investigated that, then do.

Other than that are you doing all the things in your life you should do to support your mental health? Eating well, sleeping well, relaxation time, social contact and gentle exercise? If not, put those in place, and explain to your partner if you need them to do more. Ranjan chatterjees 4 pillar plan is a good book to get hold of.

Then, are you actually doing the CBT exercises you are being given? If you haven’t got a framework in place as above, then it’s almost impossible to do CBT properly, so get the framework in place first and then start to work harder at the exercises if you need to.

Beyond this, I think you have to accept that life is hard, and all of us have to find a way of living alongside that and find joy. I think you (quite understandably) want someone to fix this for you, or a guarantee the anxiety will disappear…but if you can accept that you are the only one who can fix this (with support), and that the goal is to reduce anxiety to a manageable level and have tools to manage it, rather than find a magic cure, it will be easier to move forward.

It’s such a hard time for anyone who had a baby during all this (I have had two, must have been mad as I was bloody terrified with the first and then so so nervous with the second and having to go into the hospital to stay to have them fearing I would catch Covid in there as I was unvaccinated at the time) I really do get it. I’m so sorry you are finding things so hard at the moment. Things will get better for you in time. I don’t know the research inside out, but I think I read that mixing vaccines gave better protection at some point. I know this won’t solve your worries but maybe it would be a small bit of comfort to you. Well done on going back to work as I’m also worried too. I think though once we reach these milestones things are not so scary. In the end, I didn’t give Covid much thought at all in the hospital. I was still glad to get home all the same!!!

Change how you are framing this: it isn't covid that has ruined your life it's your phobia.

You need phobia specific psychotherapy.

This sounds awful for you. I had post natal anxiety and in a normal world it was brutal and then covid only made it ten times worse. It sounds like the sertraline is doing nothing for you. I'd suggest trying to change to a different anti depressant. Do you get anxiety symptoms like racing heart etc ? It might be worth trying a beta blocker to calm down the physical symptoms. Medications do work you just need to find the right one

@ActonSquirrel

I don't see the benefit of posting this and making it clear nothing about the situation can change as you don't want to try losing weight because of your mental state.

Again, that’s not what I said.

What I said was -

My BMI always hovered around 28/29 before I had my son.
It was 30 when he was born and has now gone up
to 40.

Ive never had such an issue with weight before but then I’ve never struggled with anxiety like this before either and I feel like my urges to eat (over eat and binge) are connected to how I feel.

I overeat and binge when I am anxious too.

I’ve found the only way to get some control is to calorie count. At least if I do some days it’s better than none

For everyone bringing up the issue of OP’s weight and seeking to provide “advice”. Stop. Just stop.
www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/a35422452/fat-phobia/

[quote Bizawit]For everyone bringing up the issue of OP’s weight and seeking to provide “advice”. Stop. Just stop.
www.goodhousekeeping.com/health/a35422452/fat-phobia/[/quote]
She raised her weight.

I lost a significant amount of weight a few years ago. The difference to my physical and mental health was astounding.

But OK it's just fat shaming. As you were.

@felulageller

Change how you are framing this: it isn't covid that has ruined your life it's your phobia.

You need phobia specific psychotherapy.

Good point. It's your anxiety not Covid that's ruined your life.

As long as you choose to disagree with your therapist and choose to believe your response to a Covid is rational, you'll
struggle to move past it.

This might sound harsh, but getting Covid now might be the best thing that could happen to you, as dealing with what will. at most, probably be an unpleasant flu like illness for a week or so, would be far better than the hell you're living in.

I lost a significant amount of weight a few years ago. The difference to my physical and mental health was astounding

Congratulations. That's you and this is not about you and your own unique set of circumstances. OP has said that at the moment she is so consumed by her other issues she can't even think about losing weight. Those issues need addressing before she can feel focused and well enough to address her weight.

It's worse than fat shaming. It's ignoring someone's very real anxieties and pontificating with 'if I can, so can you, there's no excuse' bollocks.

As you were.

She's been on here for almost 18 months about reasons why she can't get better.

As she was 🤷🏼‍♀️

@ActonSquirrel

I lost a significant amount of weight a few years ago. The difference to my physical and mental health was astounding.

That’s great. Did you do that as a new mother, during a pandemic, whilst struggling with postnatal anxiety, OCD & depression?

If you did then I would absolutely love for you to give me some tips on how you managed.
I’ve personally found it extremely hard but I’d love for you to tell me your secret of success.

do you keep biscuits, crisps, chocolate at home?

@bluebell34567

do you keep biscuits, crisps, chocolate at home?

@bluebell34567

No, I don’t. I don’t buy them on my shop either, but I will them buy things mid week (DH) buys them on his way home from work.
I can eat really well and have good meals, it’s the binges inbetween that are out of control. 😓

what do you binge on?

@bluebell34567

what do you binge on?

@bluebell34567

Crisps, bread, anything savoury.

I need to focus on finding another output for my anxiety, right now it’s eating.
I’m plagued with racing thoughts and absolutely nothing stops them.

If I wasn’t breastfeeding I’d probably be an alcoholic. Instead I’m morbidly obese.