Covid has ruined my life

[Iwannabelikeyouohh]

Covid has broken me. It’s changed my life and I can never go back to the person I was.

It merged its ugly head just as I’d given birth to my first baby.
I can’t put into the words the fear I felt.
I remember driving to my mums, sat in the car crying, my baby in the back and I wouldn’t even open the windows Incase I caught Covid.

I’ve never, In my life felt fear like it.

I was ready to quit my job because I just couldn’t possibly go back to work after maternity, I couldn’t send my son to nursery because of the fear.

I did go back to work and I did send my son to nursery.

I had my first vaccine and I felt like things were feeling better. I had AZ early, as i have a high BMI.
Then the blood clots came about and as I’m
under 40 I just couldn’t bring myself to have the second dose.

I wasn’t just a bit scared, I was petrified.
I was in such a bad state I took myself to A&E and a dr there arranged for me to have Pfizer as my second dose.

I now worry daily that I’m not protected, I worry that I’m not fully vaccinated or that I’m going to have a bad reaction for mixing my doses.

I see a psychologist for high intensity CBT and I take 200mg of Sertraline but my life is just no better.

I cannot… CANNOT live normally along side Covid.
It’s just too hard.

I think about it all day, every day.

I convince myself every day that I have symptoms, I have PCR tests most weeks.
I no longer trust my own judgement because I just don’t know if I have symptoms or if I feel unwell or not.

I just really don’t want to die on a ventilator, the fear consumes me.

Im beyond help. My psychologist keeps telling me I have an irrational fear, but how is it irrational when people are dying from Covid?! Young healthy people.

I’m in my 30’s but I’m not healthy, I’m morbidly obese with a BMI.
I know people will tell me to lose weight but I’m just not in the mindset for that. It’s really not that easy when you’re as depressed and anxious as I am.

I can’t talk to people about how I feel, so I internalise and eat to deal with my feelings.

None of my work colleagues know what I’m dealing with and I can guarantee if you met me in person you would never know what I’m going through.

On the outside I come across as okay.
I work part time, look after my son.
I take care of my appearance (I mean I wash, my hair is nice, I wear make up, I wear nice clothes albeit a size 20)

On the inside, Its horrible, my mind is consumed, utterly consumed with Covid and death.
Repetitive thoughts, panic, fear.

I’ve spoken to my Dr, my health visitor, had low level CBT, high intensity CBT and now under the care of a psychologist. Nothing helps me.

I contacted the crisis team, I took myself to A&E, I begged to be sectioned, all I got was a physiologist who I see once a week.

I don’t know what the point of my post is really.

I just don’t have anyone else to talk to and I’m living in a lonely, scary world.

My husband tries to support me but doesn’t know how.

I have a beautiful beautiful little boy, he’s so clever and funny and super super happy.
I don’t know how with a mum like me!!

Covid has ruined my life, which I know sounds so incredibly selfish in comparison to those who have suffered much, much worse than I have.

I’m just sat here waiting for it to take me.

I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

@Iwannabelikeyouohh
Sertraline doesn't work for everyone. My sister has been on 8 different ADs over 5 years before finally finding one that works.
Ask to be referred to a psychiatrist - they have more options than a GP and therapy will be so much more successful once your meds are working.

@PalmsandCharms

Sounds rough, but you're getting help.

Covid killed my best friend.

Helpful. It killed my cousin too, but I can still empathise with the OP. There isn’t a limited supply of empathy to go round.

This sounds really hard. It sounds like a mental health problem where the fear you have fixated on could have been anything but because of the timing it was covid. I very much doubt that there is anything anyone could say on here to reason you out of it - it sounds like you can think about the level of risk rationally but that won’t stop the fear. It’s harder with covid than some fears because there is some risk, albeit a very small one and because a lot of others share the fear to some extent. But it’s similar to someone who’s agoraphobic because they are scared of being attacked if they leave their house - no one can guarantee they won’t be but the harm caused by living life as an agoraphobic far exceeds the tiny risk of being attacked. You’re getting treatment and hopefully it will help eventually even if the medication etc needs tweaking.

If you can I’d stay off social media and news sites completely or really limit your time on them. I had a baby in March 2020 and found that being stuck at home with them in the first few months gave me a lot of time to fixate on the news, which isn’t healthy or helpful.

Does it help if you focus on things being for your son’s benefit? E.g I want my son to experience going to a farm / the beach / swimming etc starting off with things which will be easier for you.

@Twatalert

Think about whether cbt is for you.

I'm not a professional and this is not medical advice: your issues sound too intense for cbt. Cbt doesn't address the causes of your state and I think that your issues might be too big for cbt (speaking from experience). I bet you had probs before since you mentioned you are morbidly obese. You could speak to someone and ask for other forms of therapy, e.g. therapy that tries to find out where your issues come from and maybe you could heal this way. Can you ask to be referred to a psychiatrist? Or can you afford private therapy?

@Twatalert

I’ve always had issues with my weight, when my son was born my BMI was 30 and I’d tipped into the obese category.

This is the first time in my life that I’ve ever been classed as morbidly obese 😓

I have looked into private therapy and the cost is just too much for us right now. To cover it I’d most likely need to go back to work full time which I really don’t think I could manage to do.

I mentioned a psychiatrist when I took myself to
a&e and asked to be sectioned.
I was told a psychologist was more appropriate for me 🤷🏻‍♀️

@PalmsandCharms

Sounds rough, but you're getting help.

Covid killed my best friend.

Do you really think this is an appropriate commemt

@Chessie678

Does it help if you focus on things being for your son’s benefit? E.g I want my son to experience going to a farm / the beach / swimming etc starting off with things which will be easier for you

It definitely does help. I’ve managed to take him
to a lot of outdoor things.
I took him to the East coast yesterday and we had a beautiful day.
It was really busy but I felt okay at the time as I was outdoors and having lots of fun.

It’s only afterwards that I start to worry about what I’ve done and then the fear and anxiety sets in
again. It’s like a never ending loop.

@PalmsandCharms

Sounds rough, but you're getting help.

Covid killed my best friend.

I'm sorry about your friend. For those asking if it is appropriate they are entitled to feel how they do. In their eyes the OP is alive and well, but their friend is not. We need to be empathetic to both sides.

OP I’m so sorry that you’re going through this. You poor thing. As @nukeitfromorbit says, this is going to pass, anxiety reaches a peak where you feel like you’re going to die it’s so bad and then it starts to settle down. It sounds like you’re at the peak now, it can only improve from here on out. Hang on love, you’re going to get through this! Keep talking to us. It helps to get it all out.

For those asking if it is appropriate they are entitled to feel how they do. In their eyes the OP is alive and well, but their friend is not.
We need to be empathetic to both sides.

Yes, everyone is entitled to feel whatever they feel. To post it on a thread where the OP is begging for help?
And the OP is clearly not ‘well’.

It sounds really rough, but I don’t think is accurate to say Covid has ruined your life. Health anxiety has ruined your life, on an objective level Covid has had a minimum impact on your life. Fight the real enemy, put all resources into getting yourself the help you need. The vast majority of people are back to living ordinary, happy lives.

@Flowers500

It sounds really rough, but I don’t think is accurate to say Covid has ruined your life. Health anxiety has ruined your life, on an objective level Covid has had a minimum impact on your life. Fight the real enemy, put all resources into getting yourself the help you need. The vast majority of people are back to living ordinary, happy lives.

@Flowers500

I’ve never actually thought of it from a health anxiety perspective before. Yes it’s health anxiety to blame, Covid is just the “thing” it’s fixated on.

OP, you need to put all this energy into losing weight. Is there Weight Watchers on Zoom, or something like that? I think that would help you to focus and feel that you’re in charge of the situation.

@Neverrains

For those asking if it is appropriate they are entitled to feel how they do. In their eyes the OP is alive and well, but their friend is not. We need to be empathetic to both sides.

Yes, everyone is entitled to feel whatever they feel. To post it on a thread where the OP is begging for help?
And the OP is clearly not ‘well’.

True but perhaps the other poster isn't very well either. We just don't know.

@SugarHouse1

OP, you need to put all this energy into losing weight. Is there Weight Watchers on Zoom, or something like that? I think that would help you to focus and feel that you’re in charge of the situation.

I agree. You are worried you are at risk and your weight suggests that you may be, are you trying to lose weight?

@ArseInTheCoOpWindow

I was like this. But l was switched to Venlafaxine and I’m a lot better.

Hth

this.

i think your medication doesnt suit you.

Health anxiety is awful but totally fixable and will just take time. Perhaps try and avoid news reports on Covid and focus on you

@SugarHouse1

OP, you need to put all this energy into losing weight. Is there Weight Watchers on Zoom, or something like that? I think that would help you to focus and feel that you’re in charge of the situation.

@SugarHouse1

There is a slimming group nearby but I’ve never been to one before and I find the idea of a group really daunting (from a Covid perspective)
I did send them an inquiry but groups are all in person now and not online.

My BMI always hovered around 28/29 before I had my son.
It was 30 when he was born and has now gone up
to 40. 😥

Ive never had such an issue with weight before but then I’ve never struggled with anxiety like this before either and I feel like my urges to eat (over eat and binge) are connected to how I feel.

I’m not sure how a slimming group to help me but it could definitely be worth a try.
I need to feel in control of something right now so weight is a good place to start.

You poor thing. It all sounds very tough

@Imnewhere1991

Yes, I am and have been trying but i feel like I’m
I’m such a viscous circle of disordered / emotional eating that I don’t try for very long.

Do you post about this in here quite a lot? I don't think it helps you tbh - just feeds the whole cycle.

Therapy is what will break it but you probably need to really persist with it. And honestly just stop reading stuff in here. The chances of you dying on a ventilator are not a likely outcome for you but you know that.

@OctaviaTriangle

The chances of you dying on a ventilator are not a likely outcome for you but you know that.

I don’t know this. If I did know this I would be able to better manage my fears.

I cannot seem to process risk when it comes to Covid and I see my outcome as a ventilator and death.

I think Weight Watchers offer online meetings: www.weightwatchers.com/uk/virtual-workshop

It’s only afterwards that I start to worry about what I’ve done and then the fear and anxiety sets in again. It’s like a never ending loop.

OP, second guessing yourself to the point where it takes over your sanity is likely to have originated in unresolved early experiences. It's really positive that you've seen the connection between your health anxiety and how it manifests through your reaction to the virus situation, as @Flowers500 mentioned. A next step might be to explore possible connections between any family tensions or other tensions in your environment growing up that may have led you to feel so frightened of threats that are difficult for you to feel in control of. Ideally you'd do that exploring with someone supportive, to provide a sense of containment of your feelings, as it's likely some frightening feelings you had as a child weren't sufficiently 'held' at the time. I know you've said you'd struggle to afford private therapy at the moment so in the meantime type 'overcoming health anxiety' into amazon or ebay's search engine and have a look at the book of that name by Katherine Owens and the one by Willson & Veale. They're both based on CBT but some of the activities and explanations might make a useful difference to how you're feeling until you can feel more in control and/or get some counselling that looks more closely at what was happening during your development.

I’m so sorry you feel like this. As someone who is also at risk and suffers pretty severe health anxiety due to allergies, it has been a rough two years! It’s taken a lot of work and rationalisation to get my life close to back to normal and even now I’m regularly taking PCR test, convinced I have symptoms. I promise you’re not the only one. Keep going!

OP - have you had a read of the data threads and the good news threads? I find that they help keep things in perspective.

If it helps, I am also morbidly obese but have worked throughout in school. Not easy psychologically, believe me. Finally caught it last month - not going to lie, it was rough but never felt I needed to see a doctor let alone worry about ventilators. I am totally back to normal now.

I don’t know how else to help but hopefully it helps to know people of your size and bigger are getting through this without any medical support whatsoever. If Ican help in any way, please feel free to message me x