Covid has ruined my life

[Iwannabelikeyouohh]

Covid has broken me. It’s changed my life and I can never go back to the person I was.

It merged its ugly head just as I’d given birth to my first baby.
I can’t put into the words the fear I felt.
I remember driving to my mums, sat in the car crying, my baby in the back and I wouldn’t even open the windows Incase I caught Covid.

I’ve never, In my life felt fear like it.

I was ready to quit my job because I just couldn’t possibly go back to work after maternity, I couldn’t send my son to nursery because of the fear.

I did go back to work and I did send my son to nursery.

I had my first vaccine and I felt like things were feeling better. I had AZ early, as i have a high BMI.
Then the blood clots came about and as I’m
under 40 I just couldn’t bring myself to have the second dose.

I wasn’t just a bit scared, I was petrified.
I was in such a bad state I took myself to A&E and a dr there arranged for me to have Pfizer as my second dose.

I now worry daily that I’m not protected, I worry that I’m not fully vaccinated or that I’m going to have a bad reaction for mixing my doses.

I see a psychologist for high intensity CBT and I take 200mg of Sertraline but my life is just no better.

I cannot… CANNOT live normally along side Covid.
It’s just too hard.

I think about it all day, every day.

I convince myself every day that I have symptoms, I have PCR tests most weeks.
I no longer trust my own judgement because I just don’t know if I have symptoms or if I feel unwell or not.

I just really don’t want to die on a ventilator, the fear consumes me.

Im beyond help. My psychologist keeps telling me I have an irrational fear, but how is it irrational when people are dying from Covid?! Young healthy people.

I’m in my 30’s but I’m not healthy, I’m morbidly obese with a BMI.
I know people will tell me to lose weight but I’m just not in the mindset for that. It’s really not that easy when you’re as depressed and anxious as I am.

I can’t talk to people about how I feel, so I internalise and eat to deal with my feelings.

None of my work colleagues know what I’m dealing with and I can guarantee if you met me in person you would never know what I’m going through.

On the outside I come across as okay.
I work part time, look after my son.
I take care of my appearance (I mean I wash, my hair is nice, I wear make up, I wear nice clothes albeit a size 20)

On the inside, Its horrible, my mind is consumed, utterly consumed with Covid and death.
Repetitive thoughts, panic, fear.

I’ve spoken to my Dr, my health visitor, had low level CBT, high intensity CBT and now under the care of a psychologist. Nothing helps me.

I contacted the crisis team, I took myself to A&E, I begged to be sectioned, all I got was a physiologist who I see once a week.

I don’t know what the point of my post is really.

I just don’t have anyone else to talk to and I’m living in a lonely, scary world.

My husband tries to support me but doesn’t know how.

I have a beautiful beautiful little boy, he’s so clever and funny and super super happy.
I don’t know how with a mum like me!!

Covid has ruined my life, which I know sounds so incredibly selfish in comparison to those who have suffered much, much worse than I have.

I’m just sat here waiting for it to take me.

I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

I would stop reading the news and watching it if I were you. Do you know any young healthy people who have died from Covid? Or have you just read about them?

It doesn't matter how many of us tell you that it's incredibly rare for young, healthy people to die of covid - the whole point of fear like yours is that it makes it impossible to rationalize the cause of it. In fact it's more likely you'll rationalize away from the facts. So it probably won't help if I tell you that I had covid pre-vaccines and I'm also a size 20 and have an autoimmune condition which (along with the meds I take for it) make me CV. I felt like I had a mild flu for a week or so but was absolutely fine after that.

I agree with PPs who say that your meds need looking at. DD was recently prescribed diazepam to take when her anxiety got out of control (on top of her usual sertraline) and it's really helped. She only takes the odd pill but it's calmed her so much. She has OCD/anxiety and her symptoms sound similar to yours in terms of health anxiety. I'm not trying to diagnose you - just pointing out that if the help/diagnosis you currently have isn't working, there are lots more avenues to try (it's taken DD about 2 years to find her 'balance' as she calls it). I know it's daunting but

sorry, posted too soon!

Was saying, please don't give up until you get help that works for you.

Also, it might be an idea to steer clear of some of the more alarmist posts/threads on here. They do nothing to help anxiety.

I'm so sorry you're going through this

@joystir59

Good grief. When I started reading this thread I thought the OP's life had been ruined because she had had Covid!

Covid has ruined many, many lives of people who haven't had it, for all sorts of reasons.

Try some empathy, for heaven's sake.

It sounds like you need therapy other than cbt, and different medication as it doesn't seem to be working for you. I always struggled with my weight too, and addressing my mental health which was pretty poor and getting on top of it has not only obviously made everything easier to cope with, but I have lost weight as a lot of my eating was emotional and tangled up with anxiety etc.

I remember your prevjous threads too op and I’m sad to see you’re not making any recovery progress, i think you know fully from your other threads, this isn’t about Covid, it’s about your mental illness, so I’m surprised to see you’re still posting that Covid ruined your life and saying you’d never thought of it about being about your health anxiety😞

@Bluntness100

I remember your prevjous threads too op and I’m sad to see you’re not making any recovery progress, i think you know fully from your other threads, this isn’t about Covid, it’s about your mental illness, so I’m surprised to see you’re still posting that Covid ruined your life and saying you’d never thought of it about being about your health anxiety😞

@Bluntness100

Perhaps I wasn’t clear when I said that.
Of course I know I have health anxiety, but what I meant was that I’ve never really focused on the point that health anxiety if running my life, more that Covid, the threat of Covid, is ruining my life.

Oh OP I feel for you so much, I remember your various threads, I do wish there was something I or anyone else else could say to talk you round but if therapy isn't working I really don't know what we can do. The absolutely only thing in your control (beyond going to therapy) is to lose weight, which frankly is more of a health risk to you than Covid now you're vaccinated anyway, I know it's not as easy as that but if you could channel your fear and determination into your health in a way you can actually change the outcome and take back some control it could actually have an impact, whereas you have no control over Covid beyond what you've already done. To me that's the most rational thing to do but I know you're not in a rational mindset right now.

You poor thing😥 This anxiety is an illness in itself. It's not your fault or anything you did or didn't do. I'd say the new baby hormones/parenthood on top of the crisis was an almighty trigger for you. I had similar in 2020 and it resulted in a breakdown (lost job, and a few other bad things happened close together with covid outbreak. Now I'm well, I can see it For what it is but it was hard work, support and medication to get there.

You've reached out for help and should be proud of that. You went to work and the evidence is that you are ok. This is all a problem of perception, not a problem with Coronavirus. Keep working hard at CBT because that is where you can treat the root of the illness.

Good luck OP, you will get there.

You are putting way too much pressure on yourself to 'be better'.

Have you considered that your fears are perfectly natural and normal given you had a baby in a pandemic? And that you have made brilliant progress so far. Your baby is well cared for, you have returned to work and you are doing well on the outside. I think many of us are doing well on the outside, the fact you can do that is a real achievement.

Your next step could be one of 5000 steps a day? Or 15 mins on an exercise bike? Something achievable to give yourself a goal that can easily reach.

At my lowest and I was struggling I took the day hour by hour. In this hour my baby and I are comfortable and safe. On a mantra and I did this for weeks on end, every time one of those anxious thoughts bubbled up I replied 'in this hour my baby and are comfortable and safe' with the same answer and after a while the thoughts became less and less. The anxious thoughts grew bored of my mantra even.

Stop rushing your recovery from the stress of this time. Take as long as you need. You do not have to be magically perfect, free from all worry and 'better' but to try and take the enjoyment where you can, to be able to function and deal with your life. Having a baby is a responsibility, I would not underestimate how that changes people, feeling the need to protect and the buck stops with you.

@Bluntness100

I remember your prevjous threads too op and I’m sad to see you’re not making any recovery progress, i think you know fully from your other threads, this isn’t about Covid, it’s about your mental illness, so I’m surprised to see you’re still posting that Covid ruined your life and saying you’d never thought of it about being about your health anxiety😞

I agree with this. Frankly you saying that “Covid” has had such an impact on your life IS the problem—this has nothing to do with Covid. If you could accept that it would be the start of a much healthier path for you.

Hello OP, I'm sorry to read your thread.
Years ago I suffered with religious ocd (fear of blaspheming God, dying and going to hell. Yes, it's a real thing.) When I eventually sought help, I was told I needed to stop feeding the cycle with the obsessive behaviour (it was praying in my case). It was triggered by a traumatic spiritual event and I couldn't untangle it all.
But I forced myself each day to say one less prayer and stop googling things related to it. It took well over a year but I got better. I know the fear of death can take over your life and its so hard to hold it together. I really hope you are able to find a way to stop feeding into your cycle, as it really does help. Take it a small step at a time. I wish you all the best

The government have so much to answer for.

I couid see straight through the extreme scaremongering but many couldn't.

Please stop reading about it abd I suggest you don't come to the covid board on mumsbet as many feel the same as you.

You will not get covid and die. Your fear is irrational, I am glad you are seeking help.

I remember your other posts.

I was you last year. I also had CBT for health anxiety which helped a bit hit like you I felt that covid is a real threat and not an irrational thought, like “my headache is definitely a brain tumour.”

Your therapist probably explained the intolerance to uncertainty to you if you had CBT. This is crucial and it really helped me understand that it’s not necessarily Covid but the great unknown that is scary. At my worst I considered anti depressants to dull the thoughts, which I didn’t end up doing, but I know Sertraline doesn’t work for all despite it being the first prescription. Ask to try a different one perhaps?

Thank you for starting this thread. It's made me realise I've been in denial about the effect health anxiety is having on my life.

Hi OP, yes we know what you mean when you say Covid has ruined your life - you see it as being the trigger in the deterioration of your MH.

You definitely are not alone in this, I promise.

I spoke to a GP last week who said they Covid / the pandemic had triggered lots of MH referrals because it has had such an impact on everyone’s mental and emotional health.

So don’t feel that you are alone.

It helped my health anxiety massively, when I actually caught covid and had it quite mildly.

It won’t be as bad as you think. You are very young and female. The weight won’t make that much difference, but I know how you feel. I was panicking too. It did spur me on to lose some weight. That will help if you can channel your fear into something productive.

I think this is intrusive thoughts / OCD rather than "just" anxiety. Has your doctor suggested trying a different type of medication like Olanzipine?

Also, the mix of vaccines you have had is thought to be better than 2 doses of the one type, so you are fully protected.

Have you or your GP considered a that your underlying problem is actually post natal d

Covid has been around since early 2020 and you're still alive and so is your son and family.

Ot is hard to know what to say when your first post covered caveats explaining why things couldn't be done to improve the situation because you can't.

I’m in my 30’s but I’m not healthy, I’m morbidly obese with a high BMI.

You've had nearly 18 months to address that but don't want to and it would improve your health and mental health considerably.

If there was a pill or a therapy that the NHS could give you that would improve your mental and physical health and they refused it then i trust you would complain about it.

You can improve your own mental and physical health and your life expectancy and risk of future cancer by eating less, moving more and eating healthier foods but you've already said you can't without even trying it.

It's hard to know what to say when you say you're in a mess but can't or won't take any steps to address it. You have to want to change.

Sadly the Government have petrified people into these irrational states of health anxiety.

I utterly agree with this we have people in their early 20s at work who refuse to come to the office and wear masks even on the street. It's sad really but again their lives to waste.

…depression. Proper PnD is more of a psychosis than just a bit of anxiety. Intrusive thoughts are very common and incredibly scary. PND is not the baby blues it can take months to develop and is usually triggered by more than just adapting to motherhood. I would imagine that there has been a big increase in PND over the last 18mnths.

Of course I know I have health anxiety, but what I meant was that I’ve never really focused on the point that health anxiety if running my life, more that Covid, the threat of Covid, is ruining my life

Op, I’m not sure if it’s yout illness talking, but for your sake I’ll be honest, you have, you’ve been told many times, I’ve seen it with my own eyes on your other threads where you’ve engaged and recognised it

I think you’re still very ill. You’re still obsessed with Covid, when you know deep down it is not your issue.

You absolutely can take back control of your mind and it’s fears. I speak from experience. I know what it is like to spiral into severe health anxiety and catastrophic thinking.
What helped me what realising it for what it was - fear . And not reality . Keep reminding yourself how well you are doing - back at work and your son at nursery - how amazing. And what progress.
Would slowly tackling your weight help? I mean this kindly. Tiny tiny steps to reducing your BMI might help you feel more in control and less scared.
And also opening up to others about how you feel. Don’t hide it. Fear, and shame over our fears thrive in darkness. Tell people how you feel and stop masking - and then can help talk you off the ledge when your fears are escalating

I said this on one of your other threads and got jumped on but repeatedly visiting this board is not going to help your recovery in anyway.