Covid has ruined my life

[Iwannabelikeyouohh]

Covid has broken me. It’s changed my life and I can never go back to the person I was.

It merged its ugly head just as I’d given birth to my first baby.
I can’t put into the words the fear I felt.
I remember driving to my mums, sat in the car crying, my baby in the back and I wouldn’t even open the windows Incase I caught Covid.

I’ve never, In my life felt fear like it.

I was ready to quit my job because I just couldn’t possibly go back to work after maternity, I couldn’t send my son to nursery because of the fear.

I did go back to work and I did send my son to nursery.

I had my first vaccine and I felt like things were feeling better. I had AZ early, as i have a high BMI.
Then the blood clots came about and as I’m
under 40 I just couldn’t bring myself to have the second dose.

I wasn’t just a bit scared, I was petrified.
I was in such a bad state I took myself to A&E and a dr there arranged for me to have Pfizer as my second dose.

I now worry daily that I’m not protected, I worry that I’m not fully vaccinated or that I’m going to have a bad reaction for mixing my doses.

I see a psychologist for high intensity CBT and I take 200mg of Sertraline but my life is just no better.

I cannot… CANNOT live normally along side Covid.
It’s just too hard.

I think about it all day, every day.

I convince myself every day that I have symptoms, I have PCR tests most weeks.
I no longer trust my own judgement because I just don’t know if I have symptoms or if I feel unwell or not.

I just really don’t want to die on a ventilator, the fear consumes me.

Im beyond help. My psychologist keeps telling me I have an irrational fear, but how is it irrational when people are dying from Covid?! Young healthy people.

I’m in my 30’s but I’m not healthy, I’m morbidly obese with a BMI.
I know people will tell me to lose weight but I’m just not in the mindset for that. It’s really not that easy when you’re as depressed and anxious as I am.

I can’t talk to people about how I feel, so I internalise and eat to deal with my feelings.

None of my work colleagues know what I’m dealing with and I can guarantee if you met me in person you would never know what I’m going through.

On the outside I come across as okay.
I work part time, look after my son.
I take care of my appearance (I mean I wash, my hair is nice, I wear make up, I wear nice clothes albeit a size 20)

On the inside, Its horrible, my mind is consumed, utterly consumed with Covid and death.
Repetitive thoughts, panic, fear.

I’ve spoken to my Dr, my health visitor, had low level CBT, high intensity CBT and now under the care of a psychologist. Nothing helps me.

I contacted the crisis team, I took myself to A&E, I begged to be sectioned, all I got was a physiologist who I see once a week.

I don’t know what the point of my post is really.

I just don’t have anyone else to talk to and I’m living in a lonely, scary world.

My husband tries to support me but doesn’t know how.

I have a beautiful beautiful little boy, he’s so clever and funny and super super happy.
I don’t know how with a mum like me!!

Covid has ruined my life, which I know sounds so incredibly selfish in comparison to those who have suffered much, much worse than I have.

I’m just sat here waiting for it to take me.

I just really needed to get this off of my chest.

As someone who has suffered severe anxiety (now 95% recovered, thankfully) I would say that although it feels like it's all to do with Covid, in fact anxiety fixates on issues, and if that issue is solved (or goes away) it fixates on other issues. I agree with previous posters, it's not Covid that is ruining your life, it's health anxiety. Luckily this is curable. For me it was talking therapy and SSRIs, mediation also helps hugely. You will find your cure @Iwannabelikeyouohh - just keep trying until you do. in the meantime.

I no longer trust my own judgement because I just don’t know if I have symptoms or if I feel unwell or not

Ah OP I know that feeling so well. I'm constantly analysing how I feel and convincing myself I'm getting ill. I could have a simple dry throat and I'll be reaching for a lateral flow test.

The irony is I have had covid and for me (despite being overweight and a smoker) all I had was a runny nose.

That alone should alleviate a degree of my worry, but it doesn't, such is the nature of health anxiety.

Like PP said if it wasn't covid you'd be fixated on something else. With me, it used to be the big 'C' and I really kick myself for the amount of time I spent ruminating and panicking about something that might never happen to me.

I hope you feel better soon. Contrary to my post, I do manage a hell of alot better these days than I used to.

I’m not sure how a slimming group to help me but it could definitely be worth a try. I need to feel in control of something right now so weight is a good place to start.

You don’t need to go to a group. Sign up to WW online, use the app to track what you eat. It has really helped give me some focus and control and I’m close to having lost a stone in 8 weeks. I’ve a long way to go yet, but it has really helped. I haven’t done the virtual meetings, just working at it myself. It also encourages me to get our for a walk everyday as I get extra points for that, and just that one simple thing helps my MH too.

@BoredZelda Good for you! Hopefully your story can inspire the OP.

You need help with this OP, it must be horrendous living with this level of fear x

Thanks @SugarHouse1. It's been a slow process but I'm close to the scales starting with an 11. It's been years since that happened 😀

Have you been checked for hypothyroidism recently.
Weight gain
Common after pregnancy
Can cause anxiety

I think the weight loss group might be useful. You’ve said in one post that you’re pretty much self medicating with food. No doubt you feel alone with this but it’s actually pretty common, although maybe not at the same extreme as your case.

I’ve definitely turned to food to help me cope with the Covid situation. My issue isn’t health anxiety but stress about not being able to go back to normal. I think you’ll find others with a similar story to you.

See whether you can be referred to a psychiatrist specialising in OCD who will help you get the medication at the right level to have a real therapeutic effect. Do this alongside the CBT and once the medication is at the right level, you will find it easier to follow through with the 'right' ways of thinking that you learn in CBT and develop better thinking patterns.
GPs don't have a clue about best medication and best therapeutic doses for OCD.
The thoughts and anxiety are beyond awful but you can be living a happier life; it's just hard to get there.

Well in that case you need some intensive health anxiety therapy ASAP. I recognise you from other very long threads you've started and it just makes you worse to have all of this fed into time and time again.

I hope you get the support and help you need.

Hi OP,
I too suffer from health anxiety so I can understand some of what you are going through. It is truly awful.
Some things that work for me:

• no googling anything health related. At all. Be strict about this.
• no reassurance seeking. So don’t be asking your DH or anyone else their opinion on whether you have symptoms for example.
• set yourself goals in relation to body scanning - not sure if you do this but when I am focused on something I spend loads of time body scanning / prodding. So for example - don’t be taking your temperature.
• write down your thoughts. What is it that’s worrying you today? Next to this, write down a rational explanation for your worry. What it is more likely to be related to. When we are anxious we allow the emotional side of our brain to take over. We don’t draw on the rational side. If we all did this all of the time, everyone would be walking around in a panic or highly emotional. When we suffer from anxiety we really need to make a conscious effort to draw upon the rational side of our brain - we need both side to be balanced!
• distraction - get out, exercise, get fresh air.
• do you sleep well? If not then prioritise this. I’ve started to take magnesium supplements in the afternoon and drink sleepy tea.
• listen to podcasts…have you heard of the anxiety guy? Look him up in you tube and listen to some of his podcasts / videos. He also suffered from health anxiety and has great insight into it. He is fully recovered now.

Thinking of you and here to hold your hand

What I will say about CBT is that you get out of it what you put in. Just going to sessions weekly won’t be enough. I did my “homework” every single day when I was accessing CBT - it was the only way for me.

Covid is not your problem. Anxiety is. If covid wasn’t happening you would find something else to focus your irrational anxious thoughts on. The best advice I can give you is to focus on the real problem - which is anxiety. I am so sorry you are feeling like this. It’s sounds awful and I really do sympathise

@Iwannabelikeyouohh

*Has any of the therapy helped you at all? If you had to say one or two things that have helped just a little, what would they be?*

@Totallydefeated

I had CBT last year and it was aimed at helping my OCD.
It really did help. At one point I couldn’t even touch my own door handles through fear of Covid.😓

Even during lockdown when I didn’t go anywhere I would obsessively clean my house, sanitise my hands etc.

I’m so much better with that now.

So yes, some of the therapy has helped me.

Do you think your OCD has shape shifted into intrusive thoughts about Covid (rather than it being Health Anxiety as such)? It could be the case if you are having continuous intrusive thoughts along the same theme and your compulsions take the form of mental checking. I’m sure your psychologist is on to this but it might be worth reminding yourself of how terms like “thought-action fusion” might apply now.

I know it’s really tough. Stats about Covid don’t help because ultimately the goal has to be learning to live with uncertainty, not searching for a certainty you will never find. I don’t agree with @Twatalert about CBT - it’s absolutely the right evidence-based approach for OCD and health anxiety.

I wish you well @Iwannabelikeyouohh. I hope you start to feel better soon.

OP, you have enough control over your state of mind and anxiety to push through and do what you know you need to do - take your child to nursery, go to work, shop, take your son out for the day, etc. So you have far more control over your feelings than you seem to think you do. When you HAVE to get out there and live your life, you CAN do it. So you do have it in you to overcome your fear.

Your fear is imaginary. It is a product of your imagination. You control your imagination and your thoughts. You can't control what is happening in the world around you, but you can control your response to it.

Health anxiety is ultimately a fear of death. At the moment it's Covid that feels a real and present threat to your life, so that's your focus. But once the fear of Covid wanes, you'll just fixate on something else. You need to be able to get to the bottom of where your fear of death is coming from in order to be able to process it and move forward without living your life in a constant state of fear. I speak from experience as someone who used to have crippling health anxiety. I looked fine on the outside too, but on the inside, I was petrified. However, one day someone close to me said - you're so afraid of dying that you've stopped living, and that woke me up. There is no point in being terrified of your life ending, if the terror you're feeling on a day to day basis stops your life from bringing you any pleasure anyway.

I'm not a believer in medicalising anxiety, myself. I think there are far too many pills thrown at anxiety disorders, which mask the problem rather than cure it. It's your mindset that is faulty, and with support, you can overcome it and learn to see the world as a wonderful place again rather than something that is conspiring to kill you.

Moreover, you know you need to lose weight and you CAN do something about it. Don't use your health anxiety as an excuse. What you need is a positive focus and an aim, to get your mind moving away from the obsessive thoughts of covid and death. Join an online weight watchers group, get the app, set yourself a target, and off you go. The only person stopping you is you. Mind over matter. I know it's not easy. But you can do it. You just have to make the choice to, and remake that choice every single day. YOU are in control of your mind. YOU are in control of your decisions, choices, responses and reactions. You can make the choice to listen to the statistics, understand them, accept them, and then do the one thing you can do to reduce your chances of becoming severely unwell - lose weight - or you can choose to ignore them and allow yourself to continue to live in a state of constant fear. It is your choice. You just have to realise that it IS your choice. You have so much strength within you - you just have to learn to harness it. CBT helps a lot of people with this - I know you say this hasn't helped, but perhaps you just weren't in the right frame of mind to be able to engage with it as an approach. In order for CBT to be successful, you have to be able to understand and believe that you are in control of your thoughts. As long as you keep believing you can't help how you feel, you won't get anywhere.

I am truly sorry for how you're feeling - I do understand completely. Health anxiety is an awful thing to suffer. But you can come out on the other side. I am living proof. You can do this. Keep trying and please don't give up on the CBT. It will help you if you're willing to let it.

Probably totally beside the point but you should actually be better protected for having mixed vaccines, it’s definitely not a bad thing.

OP, private therapy is expensive but I think for you and your family it is essential that you get some. Essential. In the long run it will be an investment.

Do you think you could be peri menopausal? Health anxiety is one of the symptoms lots of ladies suffer from, you also mention weight gain, disordered mind, being emotional, AD's not working etc - all symptoms of lack of estrogen. Try to work out if it's cyclical and maybe have a look at the Louise Newson Dr Menopause website. I hope you get some answers and can start to enjoy life again.

Op, I understand and sympathise. This too shall pass. It’s such a head fuck because things aren’t normal and people differ so much in terms of what they’re comfortable doing that there’s no one ‘normal’ and it’s hard to know how much to worry. A lot of that I put down to having no trust in the government looking out fir our best interests and having faith in the govt. we have to make our own decisions and do what’s right for us, but that’s difficult in itself as it’s hard to know what we shoukd be doing. You will get through this. You will cope. Things won’t always feel this way.

For a start. I had AZ followed by Pfizer. In my country they did trials to show that that combination was more effective than two doses of AZ. Do relax on that score (also purely annoctotaly I have been exposed to covid several times since vaccination and I've been fine

Covid is just a trigger for your psychological trauma.

I would suggest requesting a different avenue for your therapy, I don't know you or your background but perhaps exploring that, rather than being taught coping strategies may be more beneficial.

I'm sorry you are in this place, covid has triggered many people's fears and you are not alone.

From a medical perspective, if you were advices to have the pfizer jab a while ago, you will be fine. Also, if you were to catch covid you will be protected.

Please try to find peace in the now and my biggest advice is to stop reading the news, block people who constantly share covid information on social media and live in the present day with your baby.

Social media/media in general is the biggest feeder of anxiety. You will do yourself the biggest life favour if you just deleted it all together.

I hope you find peace

Chlomipramine is the drug for OCD, not sertraline.