I’m struggling to accept the inevitable :(

[Catcalledluna]

I would really appreciate some support with accepting that sooner or later I’m going to get Covid.
I could be hospitalised and I could die.

I’ve always known this and It’s not something that has controlled me.

10 weeks ago, my work colleagues husband, 38, caught Covid, was in hospital for 5 weeks before sadly passing away.
He had no health conditions.

I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

I’m more fearful of Covid now than I ever have been and it’s really starting to affect my life.

I’ve found myself no longer wanting to socialise, I’m avoiding supermarkets (which I have never done before) I’ve cancelled some upcoming plans to go to an overnight spa with friends, and it’s my cousins wedding in two weeks which I am now considering not attending.

I’m fully aware people have been hospitalised and losing their lives for the last 18 months, but I think it’s only now that it’s someone I know that it’s hit me :(

That's so sad about your colleague's husband op. And he was very young to die. I'm not surprised it has shaken you.

The way that I have dealt with this, which is somewhat macabre was to research how many people die every day in the uk and then put it in proportion to that.

I went to a wedding recently. I was anxious in advance but once I got there I barely thought about it.

I would keep trying to go to things. Otherwise what is the point? Maybe set smaller goals in advance?

@TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross

Do you drive? Do you spend each day contemplating the fact that sooner or later, you could be in a car accident, you could be hospitalised and you could die?

This.

Everything we do has risk associated with it. Having a baby accepts a risk of death or life changing injury. Every time you go out in a car (or as a pedestrian) there’s a risk from other drivers. I know of a child who died choking on their dinner. Terrifying I imagine for the parents every time their other children eat anything

Sadly this life of ours is full of risks. I’ve recently decided to take HRT despite avoiding hormonal contraceptives for 20 years due to the risk of blood clots and breast cancer. I’ve looked at all the info and the potential benefits outweigh the potential risks.

Unfortunately the only way you can get past this is with some perspective but that can be difficult when you’re feeling anxious and you’re in Chimp mode. Acknowledge your fear, thank your chimp for brining it to your attention and tell it that you don’t need to worry, you’re vaccinated and over 99% of people don’t die of covid. Those who do, many are very elderly and vulnerable.

“Near the end of 2020, the CDC estimated the mortality rate would be far lower if it included people who were infected with COVID but unaware. Asymptomatic cases of COVID-19 are very common, and if those cases were included, the CDC predicts the mortality rate would be closer to 0.65%”

At the root of this anxiety is a fear of not being able to control any aspect of your life. In fact there is very little any of us can control in our lives. We will all die at some point we just dont know when. Somehow you have to find a way of coming to terms with this. I suggest you look into Acceptance and Commitment Therapy particularly its use with people who have anxiety over C19. Also consider reading the Happiness Trap by Dr Russ Harris.

Kindly, OP, the way you're describing it, this level of anxiety isn't really on the spectrum of "normal". I do think you might benefit from some support - CBT can be helpful and you can do it online in your own time with a referral from your GP.

Look after yourself- mentally I mean.

You are "fearful of COVID" and "it’s really starting to affect (your) life" to the point you are avoiding human contact.

"Health anxiety...is when you spend so much time worrying...about getting ill, that it starts to take over your life." - NHS.

I am not sure why you have taken umbrage with the suggestion it might be health anxiety.

The governments fear around covid initially I think really knocked people who suffer from health anxiety. At the beginning I knew a few people who where quite extreme with there reactions (literally bolting the door, washing shopping etc) but because they didn’t have underlying health anxiety have been able to come out the other side going back to fairly ‘normal’ lives.

I know this won’t help but imagine that 38 year died in a car accident would you then stop going out for fear of cars?

I know it’s not the same but if you can speak to the GP. If you work see if you can access support through them? CBT ?

Can I recommend you get a blood test where they test your immunity to the virus after your vaccines - ie to show you your vaccines have worked so it might make you feel more confident.

I'm sorry, I haven't read the whole thread but I think you need to reframe this. You are in shock over what happened to him which is perfectly reasonable (DH and I are still in shock over a similar, but non Covid-related, death of someone we knew quite well so I do understand). But actually, considering what we've all gone through, I think the way to reframe it is that after well over a year, you only personally know one person who died of Covid.

When looked at through that lens, I think it puts in perspective that you are probably actually relatively safe, especially as you're double vaccinated.

@PanannyPanoo

Is this the first time someone you know has died unexpectedly/'before their time'?

I think what you are experiencing could just be grief and knowing your death is not in your control.. That brutal realisation that people disappear forever with no warning.

Of course everyone knows people die. But, when something happens that's out of the natural order it takes a lot of processing. Many people don't really consider their own death in any detail, they just imagine its a something that happens when you're old. Ideally asleep in bed. Then move on to other easier thoughts. It's self preservation.

I imagine you are shocked and sad and need to give yourself some time and space to come to terms with it. It will become less intensive and invasive as time goes on.

I believe that we are born, we do stuff, we die. I find the simplicity of that comforting. All I have any control over is the stuff in the middle. Just atoms borrowed from the universe for the duration of our lives. Which makes us all so lucky.

Agree with this.

I think it’s understandable to be really shaken by the death of someone so young. It’s made you question how your body might react to covid. And that’s a big unknown as it seems such a lottery as to how it affects people.

I’m in my 60s and have never been anxious about my health or anxious about things in general but I find myself not wanting to go on buses or into shopping centres at peak times despite being fully vaccinated. I don’t think it’s unreasonable to be cautious but I’m not going to shield (I have a genetic condition that makes me vulnerable) and I am going to restaurants, shops, friends homes, into town in the week etc.
We are all coming at this from our different situations, experiences and comfort levels.

Would you be able to go to places where the risk is lower (the spa trip sounds less risky then a wedding ) and go to the supermarket when it’s quiet etc. That way you are able to get out and about and have a reasonable quality of life without putting yourself into crowded situations? Covid is here to stay so for me it’s a case of I can’t stay hidden away indefinitely so I’m going to have to take some level of risk. But we do that every single day when we get in a car or a train or have a minor procedure in hospital or get flu or a cold. Life is so fragile and has always been so.

@Catcalledluna

I would really appreciate some support with accepting that sooner or later I’m going to get Covid. I could be hospitalised and I could die.

I’ve always known this and It’s not something that has controlled me.

10 weeks ago, my work colleagues husband, 38, caught Covid, was in hospital for 5 weeks before sadly passing away.
He had no health conditions.

I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

I’m more fearful of Covid now than I ever have been and it’s really starting to affect my life.

I’ve found myself no longer wanting to socialise, I’m avoiding supermarkets (which I have never done before) I’ve cancelled some upcoming plans to go to an overnight spa with friends, and it’s my cousins wedding in two weeks which I am now considering not attending.

I’m fully aware people have been hospitalised and losing their lives for the last 18 months, but I think it’s only now that it’s someone I know that it’s hit me :(

I agree that you do need some help with thinking this through.

For what it is worth I was very concerned about it and recently my son (unvaccinated) and my husband vaccinated got COVID - it was like Flu. I however, despite being in the same house as them and testing regularly did not get it

I think what your experiencing is a completely natural feeling.
Lots of people ‘find God’ in later life to deal with it. Historically it’s how lots of churches ended up been built so magnificently = hedging your bets and buying your way in to a pleasant afterlife.
However, as more and more people realise God isn’t real/doing anything and things can be explained by science, there is nothing to fall back on to comfort us anymore.

With respect, you don't know his full medical history, so you're just guessing he was 'fit and healthy'. He could have had an undiagnosed issue that significantly affected his body's ability to fight off the infection. Some young people die of the flu, others drop dead on the side of the football pitch or at the finishing line of a race, because of undiagnosed heart problems. You can't base your own risk on his. As a double vaccinated person under the age of 80, you are more likely to recover than die, even if you do end up in hospital (which you probably won't). The average age of death with covid (not of covid) is quite high.

That level of anxiety is definitely not normal. We are all mortal. I would seek help for your health anxiety

I don’t think OP will be back.

Clearly was looking to be told she didn’t have anxiety and was being totally rational

Some pro active things to do :
Exercise and fresh air to boost immune system. Go if possible early morning or evening when there's less people around if that worries you.

Get plenty of sleep.

Consider a supplement - I take Vit D & K2, Folate, Vit B12, Vit C with zinc, and Immunace.

Eat at least 5 a day.

I have HA but mine relates to other things not COVID.

Good luck op xx

Hi OP,

I don't think you've got health anxiety, You're received sad and shocking news and that's triggered some anxiety around covid but I think its a bit early to accept a general diagnosis! That said, how you proceed from here is important. Don't let this situation get a grip on you. There's been some good advice here and something like CBT would nip this pattern of thinking in the bud before it does become a bigger problem for you.

What stands out to me is that a lot of what you are feeling is not based on fact. You have made some assumptions, which you cannot know to be true eg: whether your colleagues DH was vaccinated. He may have had an underlying health condition - don't assume you would have known this or been told. Arm yourself with facts from reliable sources (obviously not about your colleagues DH - she doesn't need that kind of intrusion at this time) which might help you rationalise intrusive thoughts.

Perhaps another way of looking at this is that you could honour your colleagues DH's life by not letting covid stop you from living your life. All fo our days are numbered. Do you want to live your time out behind closed doors or sharing fun times with the people you love?

Unexpected deaths of a younger person can be unbelievably shocking and have a huge impact, even when you don't know them (think Princess Diana).

The most shocking death of someone I knew that I experienced was of a young colleague in their 20s who drowned. I wasn't close to them, though obviously saw them at work, but their death affected me (and other colleagues) quite badly. The whole world suddenly felt like a vulnerable place and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

These things happen sadly but they have no bearing of what will happen to us. Even though we are all at risk of catching covid at the moment, most of us haven't or won't.

I know quite a few people in their 30s, 40s and 50s who have had it - some were ill for several weeks but none went to hospital and all have recovered. I know of a handful who have died but all were older and possibly had underlying conditions. Of course healthy younger people can and do die but it's highly unlikely. They also die of other causes eg drowning, cancer, road accidents, suicide etc.

I'm not young and I take care when I can but I'm not afraid to go on public transport, into pubs and restaurants etc. If I get I
ill having been double vaccinated, then I am pretty confident it will be like a bad bout of flu and I will recover before long. I don't know for sure, obviously, but I'm not going to waste time worrying about something so unlikely to happen.

I hope you get back a more normal sense of proportion once the shock of this man's death wears off.

My 81yo grandad with many, many health concerns was hospitalised with covid right at the start of the pandemic.

He is now absolutely fine and living independently again.

There is hope even if you do get it, and even if you do go to hospital.

I know you said you don't need professional help, but honestly, given the stats and the fact you're double jabbed, you really don't have this in proportion.

I think PieceOfString, bumblingbovine49, HillsBesideTheSea and some others have worded well that after a shocking death of someone you see similarities to yourself that it isn't surprising that it has you shaken.

I agree with their practical advice - recognize it's normal for emotions and your perception to be thrown off by death for a time, get support from those you know, and work incrementally on pushing your comfort zone with support. Have someone with you at the wedding that knows your discomfort to help you regulate it, discuss options with spa friends on other things you can do together if the spa is still a step too far for now.

Also, if you feel up for it, look into resources on death planning and getting more information on death like Ask a Mortician on youtube, look into Memento Mori journaling and similar journaling exercises on death and time, basically taking some control of your worst case scenario and how to reduce them & peace in what you can't control there and then work back to lesser bad cases/fears. So we have the very small risk of death, the slightly larger but still very small risk of hospitalization, becoming long-term ill as a post-viral reaction, that the illness would wipe you out for a few months, that it would wipe you out for a few weeks, to the most likely situation - a few days feeling unwell if that.

For all you know, you've already had COVID, but didn't notice - not only because of the smaller chance of being asymptomatic, but the larger chance of having different symptoms, particularly if vaccinated. No one who has had COVID in my house had the big 3 symptoms - it was sneezing a lot, fatigue, appetite loss, and headaches with the last 3 lingering a bit.

I am not sure why you have taken umbrage with the suggestion it might be health anxiety.

Many people don't like jumping straight into pathological labels and an argument to be made that, as a society, we overpathologize emotional swings and reduce the full spectrum of experiences because of the long history of dismissing emotional discomfort and suffering so continue to up the ante on how we identify them. The NHS follows that trend which helps some, but also reflects wider social trends in this area that has benefits and risks.

If a deer ran away when it was bitten by a fox we would say it was a normal reaction and that deer feared death. Also if another deer saw this and was also scared we would say this too was a normal reaction. We would not say that fearing death was irrational and the deer needed mental health support.

It is perfectly normal to fear death especially when faced with people who have died around you and you know that risk to you is also there.

Responding normally to a traumatic situation is not a mental illness. You don't need professional help, what you are feeling is a normal reaction to an abnormal situation we are faced with that has caused death and could cause other deaths. You are struggling with the fear of dying. It is healthy and normal to be fearful of dying. Anxiety really means fear and that you are scared of something and being scared of a virus that could kill you and has killed people close to you, is normal.

I disagree with those who are suggesting mental health issues or professional help. I would suggest looking at trauma informed practice instead as this looks at responses such as your own as normal, rational and justified.

@SmidgenofaPigeon

I don’t think OP will be back.

Clearly was looking to be told she didn’t have anxiety and was being totally rational

Does this comment seek to help someone who is upset?

@lannistunut OP was extremely snippy at being told she should possibly seek some support, which was actually a good suggestion for her considering her level of anxiety around being hospitalised and dying of covid simply because she knows of someone who has.

It’s Covid, not the Black Death. 99.99999% people who get it don’t die. Unless you’re in the very vulnerable category, I really wouldn’t be panicking like you are.

Yes you probably will get Covid. You’ll probably feel like shit for a week and won’t want to get out of bed. Then you’ll be fine.

[quote SmidgenofaPigeon]@lannistunut OP was extremely snippy at being told she should possibly seek some support, which was actually a good suggestion for her considering her level of anxiety around being hospitalised and dying of covid simply because she knows of someone who has.[/quote]
OP is clearly not feeling great, would you say what you posted to her face, so bluntly?