I’m struggling to accept the inevitable :(

[Catcalledluna]

I would really appreciate some support with accepting that sooner or later I’m going to get Covid.
I could be hospitalised and I could die.

I’ve always known this and It’s not something that has controlled me.

10 weeks ago, my work colleagues husband, 38, caught Covid, was in hospital for 5 weeks before sadly passing away.
He had no health conditions.

I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

I’m more fearful of Covid now than I ever have been and it’s really starting to affect my life.

I’ve found myself no longer wanting to socialise, I’m avoiding supermarkets (which I have never done before) I’ve cancelled some upcoming plans to go to an overnight spa with friends, and it’s my cousins wedding in two weeks which I am now considering not attending.

I’m fully aware people have been hospitalised and losing their lives for the last 18 months, but I think it’s only now that it’s someone I know that it’s hit me :(

I’m so sorry. It is a shocking thing when someone dies young.

I don’t think it’s Covid you’re exactly concerned about - it’s the death of someone you know well enough but not too well, that means it’s hammered home how fragile human mortality is, and that anything could happen to anyone.

I’ve felt the same about when someone I know enough but not closely has lost a child (I start thinking/worrying about what would happen if the same happened to me) or someone dies young or anything, really. If we were better friends I’d be either more grief-stricken or more consumed with emotional support for my friend. But as it’s at one remove it makes the worry the most prevalent thing, IYSWIM.

Rationally you have nothing to fear in general from catching Covid. Emotionally you now feel it’s close to home and dangerous. You have to give yourself time to readjust. Try not to feed any anxiety by obsessing.

Give the dates and when the 38 year old would have caught Covid it’s highly unlikely he was double jabbed - or if he was, it would have been because of underlying health conditions that you might not know about.

And don’t be snippy to people suggesting your have health anxiety because you know yourself your mindset isn’t healthy, that’s why you posted on here.

@Catcalledluna

I would really appreciate some support with accepting that sooner or later I’m going to get Covid. I could be hospitalised and I could die.

I’ve always known this and It’s not something that has controlled me.

10 weeks ago, my work colleagues husband, 38, caught Covid, was in hospital for 5 weeks before sadly passing away.
He had no health conditions.

I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

I’m more fearful of Covid now than I ever have been and it’s really starting to affect my life.

I’ve found myself no longer wanting to socialise, I’m avoiding supermarkets (which I have never done before) I’ve cancelled some upcoming plans to go to an overnight spa with friends, and it’s my cousins wedding in two weeks which I am now considering not attending.

I’m fully aware people have been hospitalised and losing their lives for the last 18 months, but I think it’s only now that it’s someone I know that it’s hit me :(

He could well have had an undiagnosed health condition. There are plenty of people walking around who are diabetic with no diagnosis. I'm sorry about your friends dh.

My DH is under 40 and only had his 1st vaccine in June, so your colleague's DH may not have been protected by any vaccines.

You are overwhelmingly likely to be fine if you catch Covid. My cousin, BIL and SIL all between 40 and 50 have had it in the last couple of weeks. All felt rough, but nothing serious, even with underlying health conditions.

Well, you can deny it as much as you want, but if you think you will inevitably catch covid and die it is bluntly clear you are not well and people are rightly suggesting getting professional help

It strikes me that you have got choices here. You can do what you feel will keep you safe for as long as you feel that you need to, or you can seek professional help to change your attitude which, in turn may change what you feel you need to do.
I don't say that you need to seek help but if you are not happy to continue as you are then you might choose to seek help. No one can help you unless you yourself want to change.

I think a lot of these posts about health anxiety are missing the point

You have had a shock and your colleague has had a disaster happen to them. It is completely normal and human to be affected by something like this.

You are sad that a person you knew well and liked has died unexpectedly and also scared something like this could happen to you. The chances of the latter are not zero, that is a fact- , the only sure thing in life is death. Trite perhaps but true.

As to the more practical issues of how you live your life, I think some caution in light of the number of Covid infections is fine and we all have different lines . Whilst I have been in shops , I went in almost none for a long time after the first lockdown. Then again I've done almost all of my shopping online for 15 years so not a big change for me anyway. Avoiding a wedding is something many people try to do regardless of Covid anyway . You need to decide how much you are willing for your life to change to comfortably live with this risk . Remember that whatever you decide is not permanent and can change at any point

The fact is op, you could die from Covid. It is pretty unlikely but it is a very remote possibility, the death of your friend has just made the risk feel more real and imminent than it is overwhelming likely to be

If it were me I'd spend some time living with and looking at that fear. Don't hide from it , it may affect your life for a while but that is absolutely ok as long as you don't try running from it . Trust that eventually that fear will find its rightful and proportionate place in your life as have most other fears . Be kind to yourself and your friend , breathe and take a day at a time. You will be fine honestly.

I wonder whether you could un-cancel the spa cancellation. Time with friends might just be the ticket, they must have been disappointed (I have something similar booked next month and it is a much awaited treat for us all) you could even share you're spooked about it and let them carry you through. They may even have thought twice and you might find your not alone in having thoughts at the back of your mind.
Don't cancel the wedding if you can bring yourself to give yourself a good talking to and go. No point being so keen not to die you miss all the living.
If you literally can't do that then as pp said, talking this one through with a professional is not a bad shout. They are just people trained to help people work through what's on their mind at the end of the day (ever tried discussing a problem with a friend who is a crap listener)

Cracking advice from bumblingbovine49

@Catcalledluna I am sorry that you’re feeling so anxious. It would definitely be a good idea to speak to a professional.
It’s very sad about your colleague’s husband but he could have died of anything. People die at all ages for all sorts of reasons…would you be as anxious if he had died in a car crash or of cancer?

I felt like this. I was convinced it was going to be bad for me.

Recently my nails have started falling out and I've been testing positive on lat flow but negative on PCR for a few weeks. Tracing back all my messages to people over the last eight weeks, I think I've identified a point about seven weeks ago where I had it. I felt like I had a bug. Headache, stomach upset and exhaustion. If I'm honest, my energy levels haven't recovered. A couple of weeks later I developed shingles so that hasn't helped. My nails are doing the "Covid nails" thing, and I know you test positive for months after the infection so I am sure that's it. For most people it will be a minor event. I honestly did feel like I was going to end up in hospital or that my DH or kids would but we all seem to be fine.

It’s shocking and scary when someone young dies from this.

Where I work literally everyone ventilated on ITU is a vaccine refuser or received just the first vaccine (the refusers make up vast majority). The numbers admitted to the general wards has stabilised. Again most are vaccine refusers, a minority have underlying conditions where they haven’t responded to the vaccine. A minority are double vaccinated but they’re all recovering nicely (prior to the vaccine they probably would have done very poorly). Hope this helps a little.

OP I don't think this is about covid, I think it's about your colleague and her husband.

I got some bad news about a colleague this week who was healthy when we last chatted but has had complications and is now going to die in a few days.

I am distraught. She is quite young (30?) I am sad for her, for her family, I am reminded by just how fragile life is. I cried all morning when I found out and it's cast a shadow over this week.

It's made me more determined to make life count - I don't really know what this means yet! We will all die at some point and that's a hard fact to accept. But until its my time I will be out there having a beer with my friends after a long days hike.

I'm sorry for your loss, but try not to worry about coronavirus, as others have said, it's just another risk factor in life.

I worded my comment poorly trying not to give details.

My colleague has complications from an illness I was trying not to name.

It sounds like I am saying she is dying from complications of life!!

If only I could edit...

It's not inevitable. I'm sure we all know lots of people who worked all the way through all the lockdowns and never got Covid. In my family I can immediately think of two, a supermarket worker and a police officer. The police officer spent all of 2020 policing in the streets, in people's houses, in a major northern city. No social distancing, no masks for a lot of it. Never caught covid.

You say you are not suffering from anxiety but not being able to stop thinking about it says otherwise. You can suffer from a bout of anxiety without being a general anxious person.

I recommend the Headspace app for a bit of meditation and being "in the moment" rather than letting your mind run away with the what-ifs. And limit your exposure to social media, including Mumsnet, as it won't help.

My sister died of cancer last year at the age of 37. Yes, it has made me think about a lot of things I wasn't expecting to have to face myself until I was older. But I never assumed I would have the same fate. Despite it being understandable that an untimely death would shake you up a bit, I do think your reaction is a bit over dramatic.

You are aware of one person who died of covid. There are people who die everyday, in car accidents, of cancer, of strokes, of food poisoning, of taking drug overdoses. I know more people who have died before their time because of these things. Does not mean i presume it will happen to me.

For an otherwise healthy 38 year old to die, is extremely uncommon. There’s more chance of dying in a car crash.

I think the best way you can hlep yourself is to research what helps you get over the virus quickly and get a stash of stuff in. Vitamins, wipes, paracetamol etc. so you will be prepared.

If it helps, we as a couple are continuing to self isolate. DH is CEV and I'm not social at all anyway. We live in the middle of nowhere and were considering moving to a town. We are reconsidering that now!

I think your feelings are valid but are you sure the DH of your friend didn't have an undiagnosed underlying condition?

If you will still get in a car etc then it makes no sense. As a pp pointe out, no one on here can help with your extreme irrational feelings. Probably best to see a dr.

I've been terrified of us catching covid, especially my children as yes they're at lower risk of becoming poorly but the possibility is still there. We all currently have it. Don't get me wrong myself and dp feel completely drained but nothing that we can't cope with. Ds has no symptoms at all thankfully. Myself and dp are 37 and 42, I've had 1 vaccine, he's had neither.
It's awful what happened to your colleagues husband but that is very rare for that to happen. Please don't let your fear stop you from actually enjoying life

I know people who have had Covid and got through it.

If you're double vaccinated then your chances of getting through it are even greater. They weren't, at the time.

OP weightlifters usually have a thickened heart muscle which makes regulating blood pressure awful.

And many who claim they're not on steroids actually usually are. I've been around weightlifters all my adult life, in many gyms in many cities in many counties.

All of this has a taxing effect on the body. But looking fit and actually having issues that aren't identified, and being fit are 2 different things.

I can guarantee you he won't have been fit.

Get a really high quality mask and wear it all the time you are out. The one we bought 2-years ago was called the Cambridge mask. There may be a better one now! Good luck. I caught a 'terminal' illness 63 years ago and am still here now and quite healthy.

💐for you OP. I’m not going to diagnose you with anything, just to offer sympathy on your situation and loss of your colleague’s husband.
This pandemic has been really hard on people, and if (as I suspect) you’ve come this far through until someone you know has died, it’s natural and totally normal for it to suddenly affect you.
At some point in everyone’s lives, we suddenly come face to face with our own mortality - and that can be really scary. However, IME, most people come to terms with it, and whilst it’s clearly raw now, this feeling, as everything else, will pass.
Do what you need to keep yourself safe, apply the logic of the statistics to negative thoughts, and hope you feel better soon...

I am going to ask a question. Before covid how many people have you known died. Have you ever had to face up to the face that people die. Good people. Young people.

I have seen too much death, I know it happens, I have known it happen to someone who seemed perfectly healthy and incredibly active at 10yrs old (that one did shake me). I have nothing to fear from death except the process. I know it will happen at some point.

Death is a subject that is taboo in English culture. We don't discuss it, we don't accept it as the end point for us all. I suspect this is not so much about covid but that you are really having to face the fact that you are not immortal. And that scares you. Having the covid situation actually allows deflection from dealing with this realisation. I don't have much words of comfort for the moment. This is a hard process to go through with a lot of emotions and some people do need some support to do so. But once you have processed this most people are able to move on.

Sorry about your colleagues husband. No death is easy for the people left behind. Be kind to yourself.