Page 4 | I’m struggling to accept the inevitable :(

Phyllis321 · 13/08/2021 08:52

If it helps, my bedbound 80 yo DM recovered from COVID.

User135644 · 13/08/2021 08:53

I don't think taking a step back from socialising is wrong at the moment, but Covid isn't going anywhere. How long are you prepared to stay effectively housebound?

Would getting s booster ease your mind, or would a winter surge make you more scared anyway?

lannistunut · 13/08/2021 08:55

@Catcalledluna I am so sorry to hear about your collegue's husband.

I think you will not get much support here. People are not supportive of anyone showing fear because part of the collective human survival process is to avoid letting fear take hold. So anyone expressing fear gets shut down, rather than supported to process it.

But your emotional response is not surprising - hopefully this anxiety would not be long lived. The reality of Covid has just hit home because it was very close to you. The vaccine whilst it massively improves the % likelihood of a good outcome does not guarantee it, and we are all coming to terms with that new risk. Old diseases have always been there so we have years of dealing with that mentally, but new things are new, so they can be more shocking.

Covid is scary, as is cancer, as are road accidents, as are drownings, as are plane crashes. We sometimes get spooked and then we get these things back into balance.

I would speak to a professional about the normal course of anxiety, to make sure you are not reacting too abnormally to this shock. Get some proper help from people who will not judge. You are not likely to get that here, unfortunately.

AbsolutelyPatsy · 13/08/2021 08:57

I guess op learning to live with it is to have acceptance for our fate
people suggest mindfulness

or try something to take your mind off it and live life now

YumBroadBeans · 13/08/2021 09:01

It's no surprise that your contact's untimely death has scared you and made you reevaluate what you do. It's quite reasonable to feel that the pleasure you get from attending spa days and weddings vs.the worry they entail at the moment makes them not worth doing.

A friend of mine was one of the first people to fall seriously ill with Covid back in early March 2020 - she was ventilated and almost died - and it's definitely affected my attitude to risk for the whole pandemic.

I'm with you - I absolutely wouldn't want to go for a spa day either, but that's partly because I'm not very into spa days anyway. Neither would I choose to go to the cinema or a theatre right now, unless it was my one chance to see something / someone that I really wanted to see. Weddings would depend on how close I was to the bride and groom. If I get invited out for a meal, I'd still much prefer to dine outside than in.

But I can think of a handful of things which, while "risky", I would definitely want to take part in (ie the benefit to me is worth the perceived risk). When you find your "thing", you'll go, and you almost certainly won't catch Covid, and doing it will give you a bit of confidence to help you adjust to life going forward.

Spudlet · 13/08/2021 09:01

Do you have a local Well-being service that you could call? We have one in our county which works on a self-referral basis. You can just call and speak to someone. I’ve done it a couple of times, for anxiety and then for insomnia caused by grief and stress.

You have had a shock and speaking to an uninvolved person might help you to process it.

FWIW I am 38 and I had my second jab was on June the 20th - we’re a bit ahead in my county I think. So your colleague’s DH probably wasn’t fully jabbed if he caught it 10 weeks ago, the poor man, as that would put him in early June with his exposure to the virus probably happening in late May.

I’m sorry that you’re feeling so low at the moment and I hope you feel better soon.

BluebellsGreenbells · 13/08/2021 09:09

Some covid patients immune systems over react to the virus which causes real problems. But this is rare.

I think you are allowed to grieve for your friend, her husband and your own future.

It’s a normal process.

I feel that if I can avoid this third wave then there is more protection in society - which protects yourself.

DD friends has all had covid, she didn’t catch it, yet has spent a considerable amount of time with them when infectious.

It’s not inevitable you’ll pick it up.

RamblesShambles · 13/08/2021 09:11

I feel like you're getting quite a few harsh responses. It's normal to feel anxious when you are directly confronted with something. This whole situation has made people more aware of their mortality.
I would advise against the oximeter, as someone who did suffer with health anxiety (not saying you are).
But at the beginning of the pandemic I watched the news too much and brought a pulse oximeter, I became a little obsessed with that and my anxiety got awful.
What I will say is that catching covid is what helped me. I was convinced I was going to die - no logical reason for this. But I didn't. I was ill sure, but a manageable kind of ill.

Unfortunately it affects people in different ways. I know lots of people that have had it. One right now is in a coma, 4 have been in ICU (all are now okay), and for the rest it's been a mild illness.

I'm very sorry this happened, and it's really sad but doesn't mean it's going to happen to you. It's very unlikely.
Something I've had to learn through all this is that I could die tomorrow for any reason, I could have a car accident, choke on my food, I could have some undiscovered heart condition. It was a tough pill to swallow at first but we live with risks everyday.

Something I was told was 'If you spend your time worrying about dying, you forget to live'. That's really stuck with me.

Eviethyme · 13/08/2021 09:13

Thing is you could get covid or you could not its not inevitable.

A lady I know got covid and won't lie everyone thought she would die as she was on an oxygen mask with multiple illnesses but she only spent 2 weeks ill and then she was fine again

CordeliasPencil · 13/08/2021 09:16

I don't think it's a bad thing that people have pointed out anxiety and nor is anxiety a bad thing. Sometimes it's hard to see in yourself. To me what you're saying isn't rational so I would say you deserve help with it.

I've had anxiety in both my pregnancies and it's horrendous. Terrified that the absolute worst would happen at any given moment. Now, most people would say - nothing will actually happen to your baby, you're anxious it won't happen. Well something did happen, one of my twins was stillborn. Now this is vanishingly rare but at that point (which fortunately only lasted 17 hours because I couldn't have taken anymore ) I was beyond terrified that my other twin would die.

Anxiety had given way to fear because the thing that I was anxious about had just happened.

So it makes sense that it feels worse now to you because you know a younger person who has died. So your previous, probably rational, anxiety has been confirmed - so now you're MORE anxious / scared.

But it's extremely rare that young people die. You don't know what his health situation was and you don't know what would be found in a post mortem. So you can't say it just happened out the blue as how could you possibly know.

So you deserve some help to deal with this, at this current time, if you fear is affecting your life and meaning you can't do things. I had to deal with it for 17 hours but I wouldn't have wanted to live like that for any longer than I had to.

Samosamo · 13/08/2021 09:21

@Catcalledluna

I would really appreciate some support with accepting that sooner or later I’m going to get Covid. I could be hospitalised and I could die.

I’ve always known this and It’s not something that has controlled me.

10 weeks ago, my work colleagues husband, 38, caught Covid, was in hospital for 5 weeks before sadly passing away.
He had no health conditions.

I haven’t stopped thinking about it since.

I’m more fearful of Covid now than I ever have been and it’s really starting to affect my life.

I’ve found myself no longer wanting to socialise, I’m avoiding supermarkets (which I have never done before) I’ve cancelled some upcoming plans to go to an overnight spa with friends, and it’s my cousins wedding in two weeks which I am now considering not attending.

I’m fully aware people have been hospitalised and losing their lives for the last 18 months, but I think it’s only now that it’s someone I know that it’s hit me :(

Simple CBT would really help you with accepting risk and learning to live with it in a way that does not negatively impact your life or hinder it. There are so many health risks out there that you are not thinking about, you are thinking about Covid, possibly constantly and you are making choices about your life based on it.

This is a pretty straight0forward and clear cut health anxiety problem that 6 sessions with an NHS CBT-trained therapist, or mental health worker could whip into shape.

Anxieties have a way of growing and taking over, so better to have a chat with someone now. I don't at all mean bro worry you more with this, it's common, it's easy to deal with, in a month you'd likely be good as gold.

Consider taking to your GP.

All the best

MorganHunt · 13/08/2021 09:22

Perhaps you should find out if your colleague's husband had an underlying condition that made him vulnerable? I had covid 3 times now and because of severe allergies to the ingredients in vaccines, I'm not vaccinated. I'm not against vaccines and for now I keep away from people, I shop online and take regular tests. I should add I have a slow immune system due to disease.

The first time I got covid (2020) was harsh, but I struggled through when my body finally began fighting the virus. That happened when I started taking vitamin d. The second time was a year later. I felt the same fatigue for a few days with fever and then I recovered. The third time simply felt like coming down with a cold for a day.

My point is that if someone like me can fight this, chances are so can you. I'm not trying to minimize what happened, but it truly is rare that a healthy individual dies from covid. I know people get triggered when you compare it to the flu, but it is a virus that can be beaten. Not an automatic death sentence.

CupoTeap · 13/08/2021 09:23

Op the reason people are suggesting health anxiety is because you've said it's affecting your life to a point you no longer feel able to do things you did before and cannot stop thinking about it. If it's affecting you to that degree it's not really a stretch to suggest this could be an option.

Is it that the seriousness of all this has only just hit you?

frozendaisy · 13/08/2021 09:23

You might feel for a while that you will at some point catch Covid. We did, we have a 12 yr secondary and 10 yr primary and well they are petridishes at the best of times.

We were unvaccinated at the time of schools returning, only just past 14 days of second jab, and eventually you just think I can't live like this, constantly thinking "what if......?"

So the kids are still unvaccinated, but we are. We are as safe as it's going to get.

Time is the only healer for this, you will get bored of being so freaked out by it all and just think, so be it I am going to live my life now.

But just to repeat, you are double vaccinated. Your chances of being so ill with Covid you end up in hospital are so greatly reduced. We did all this unvaxxed! Have faith in the medicine.

CordeliasPencil · 13/08/2021 09:25

@MorganHunt

Perhaps you should find out if your colleague's husband had an underlying condition that made him vulnerable? I had covid 3 times now and because of severe allergies to the ingredients in vaccines, I'm not vaccinated. I'm not against vaccines and for now I keep away from people, I shop online and take regular tests. I should add I have a slow immune system due to disease.

The first time I got covid (2020) was harsh, but I struggled through when my body finally began fighting the virus. That happened when I started taking vitamin d. The second time was a year later. I felt the same fatigue for a few days with fever and then I recovered. The third time simply felt like coming down with a cold for a day.

My point is that if someone like me can fight this, chances are so can you. I'm not trying to minimize what happened, but it truly is rare that a healthy individual dies from covid. I know people get triggered when you compare it to the flu, but it is a virus that can be beaten. Not an automatic death sentence.

I don't think OP has any right to ask about her colleagues husband. That would be a shocking thing to do. Her colleague is grieving the tragic death of her young husband, it is absolutely not appropriate and would be incredibly cruel for OP to then ask ... Did he have anything underlying? That would be just a horrible thing to do.

lannistunut · 13/08/2021 09:48

This is a pretty straight0forward and clear cut health anxiety problem

people are amazingly over confident, how on earth they feel qualified to pronounce like this I will never understand. Is usually the least qualified who are the most bombastic.

HelloMissus · 13/08/2021 09:50

Why do you feel so confident it isn’t?

Thefaceofboe · 13/08/2021 09:53

What about the people who’ve caught it and had pretty much no symptoms? Why do you think this won’t be you? I have asthma and have had covid twice, first time had a minor headache and only tested as I was isolating anyway due to being a contact, and second time I got a positive lateral flow, followed by PCR (no symptoms). My partner also tested positive with no symptoms.

lannistunut · 13/08/2021 09:54

@HelloMissus

Why do you feel so confident it isn’t?

I am not cofident, I said: I would speak to a professional about the normal course of anxiety, to make sure you are not reacting too abnormally to this shock.

Livinghereinallentown · 13/08/2021 09:59

You need to seek professional support for your extreme health anxiety. Hopefully you’ll be able to put your fears into perspective as it shouldn’t be controlling you like it is.

Lerram · 13/08/2021 10:06

I don't think this is necessarily health anxiety either. Several years ago I knew a motorcyclist in his 30s who died when a car pulled out in front of him. The driver said that he hadn't seen him.

It affected my driving for ages - possibly still does. Before pulling out I was looking not only for the traffic I could see, but also (I know this sounds daft) for the traffic I couldn't see. I was a safe driver with a clean licence but became worried that I might kill someone and cause the devastation to a family which I had seen; I knew the motorcyclists' parents and siblings as well as his wife and very young children.

I'm still acutely aware of motorcyclists - if I spot one in my rear view mirror I keep checking so that I know where it is in relation to me at all times.

The death of someone in their 30s opens up the realisation that life is not guaranteed.

emilylily · 13/08/2021 10:07

Hi OP,

I know some people are very against therapy but if your fears are affecting your life (i.e. making you cancel plans and avoid everyday situations) then some counselling or CBT might really help and enable you to live your life.

I have severe contamination OCD and I've developed agoraphobia as a result of it- if you don't want that to happen to you then I'd get some therapy to nip these fears in the bud.

You are unlikely to get Covid if you are double vaxxed, if you do you are extremely unlikely to be hospitalised and are also less likely to get long Covid.

Your colleague's partner was extremely unlucky and may well not have had his second jab. Even before the vaccines were available it was actually very rare for someone under 40 to die from Covid so although his death is salient to you at the moment; what happened to him is not reflective of what happens to the vast majority of under 65s who catch Covid.

reluctantbrit · 13/08/2021 10:07

I think it gets dangerous if your anxiety rules your life.

I lost family members and colleagues due to sudden illness and accidents. Young and otherwise healthy.

Covid pushed mortality in younger people more to the front and it is unfortunately an illness where you suffer but so is cancer and I am sure my 40 year old cousin didn't plan to die and leave behind a young family.

Lovemusic33 · 13/08/2021 10:08

You are vaccinated…..I’m guessing your colleagues partner was not double vaccinated?

The vaccine won’t stop you getting covid but it’s very likely it will stop you from becoming very unwell. You probably have more chance of being in a car accident or being hit by a bus whilst waking in town?

Your brain is over thinking things and panicking (anxiety).

PanannyPanoo · 13/08/2021 10:08

Is this the first time someone you know has died unexpectedly/'before their time'?

I think what you are experiencing could just be grief and knowing your death is not in your control.. That brutal realisation that people disappear forever with no warning.

Of course everyone knows people die. But, when something happens that's out of the natural order it takes a lot of processing. Many people don't really consider their own death in any detail, they just imagine its a something that happens when you're old. Ideally asleep in bed. Then move on to other easier thoughts. It's self preservation.

I imagine you are shocked and sad and need to give yourself some time and space to come to terms with it. It will become less intensive and invasive as time goes on.

I believe that we are born, we do stuff, we die. I find the simplicity of that comforting. All I have any control over is the stuff in the middle. Just atoms borrowed from the universe for the duration of our lives. Which makes us all so lucky.