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Original poster

DP threatening breakup if I take the vaccine

238 replies

PPPPressure · 21/07/2021 15:03

Hi all,

I'm normally a lurker on MN, but have posted a few times and decided to name change for this.

I want to get the vaccine so that I can travel, but DP is set against me having it as he's heard the claims that it affects periods and fertility. He's also suspicious about the government enforcing the vaccine passort for nightclubs and possibly pubs.

I know that there's no scientific research to suggest the vaccine affects fertility but I have PCOS and I'm already paranoid that I will have difficulty conceiving in the future. He's jokingly said he will break up with me if I get vaccinated but I think he's being serious. He's also said that it will be my fault if we can't conceive in the future if I've taken the vaccine.

I'm considering getting it behind his back is that unreasonable? On the other hand I'm getting anxiety from reading about the side effects online. ( I know that every vaccine/ medication has side effects and I'm being irrational but I just can't stop panicking about it)

I know some people might suggest LTB, I love him, and for other personal reasons breaking up isn't an option

OP posts:
flowery · 21/07/2021 16:53

”I can't go into too much detail, but there are circumstances that would make it hard to find another partner if this relationship broke down”

A) it is not compulsory to be in a relationship

B) if he’s trying to control what you do with your body and you’re considering getting medical care behind his back, the relationship has already broken down.

VodkaSlimline · 21/07/2021 16:54

Get vaccinated and don't tell him. How is breaking up not an option for you but he's threatening to end the relationship over something like this?

How does he feel about routine vaccinations for children? If you do stay with him and have children which would be a terrible idea because he's a controlling arsehole is he going to try and stop you getting them vaccinated?

Sillyotter · 21/07/2021 16:54

You can self refer for mental health help via nhs in most areas as far as I know

VodkaSlimline · 21/07/2021 16:56

By the way, regardless of whether you've got herpes or a weird fanny or a nightmare senile grandpa who lives with you or there's some other reason that you think nobody else would have you - you are definitely wrong. Be brave!

Lairymary · 21/07/2021 16:57

He shouldn't be telling you what to do with your body. I would be worried that any future fertility problems would be YOUR fault regardless of where the actual issues arise. He sounds like a bit of a dick.
(I am not vaccinated as I also worry about future fertility issues, but that's my choice!!)

Thewinterofdiscontent · 21/07/2021 16:59

You need to recognise a terribly limited view of the world.

People can and do, do anything and everything they want . Regardless what they look like, or how they started someone somewhere in the world is acing it.
Really you need to get those big girl pants on, have a good think about what would make you happy and get on with it.
Also recognising that loving someone before your own health is only worthwhile if that love is reciprocated. Which it very clearly isn’t.

MilkGoatee · 21/07/2021 17:00

Hmm, don't think my post went through.

I was wondering, if you give in to this demand, however loosely stated, what is he next going to demand, or else he'll break up with you?

HSHorror · 21/07/2021 17:02

Get vaccinated!
Pcos is higher risk due to high blood sugar. 50% over 40s with pcos have diabetes.
If you do have to do fertility treatments- i have done. It is stressful enough you do not need to worry about getting covid at a critical point. Or you could get hyperstimulated end up admitted and get covid.
Lots of health care appts. Then there s pregnancy with higher risk with covid. Imagine worrying something will happen to you/the baby. Then gestational diabetes etc.
Covid itself messes with periods. But you see loads still getting pregnant.
Also just because you have pcos doesnt mean any issues are from you.
Is he overweight? He could have fertility issues.

ememem84 · 21/07/2021 17:02

so by him not having the vaccine potentially means that it could be no holidays for the two of you together for a while. given the restrictions on travel. or he has to quarrentine and you may not.

for what its worth, after both y doses of the vaccine i had really weird periods. heavier than usual, but shorter. whether it was a side effect or pure coincidence i'll never know.

gwenneh · 21/07/2021 17:06

I know some people might suggest LTB, I love him, and for other personal reasons breaking up isn't an option

Then why ask?

You know he is BU and that your medical treatments are your choice alone. If you weren't aware of that, you wouldn't ask about getting it behind his back. So you're not really asking for clarification on that.

You don't want to leave him, but you DO want to lie to him and be vaccinated. Which, arguably, might be more comfortable than looking with open eyes at the problems in a relationship where a threat to leave is enough to make you consider changing how you act to conform to his will. So you're not asking whether or not this is a healthy relationship to stay in -- you can see that it's not.

Is what you're asking whether you think you can get away with it? Probably, unless you have a bad vaccine reaction.

DoodleBelle · 21/07/2021 17:07

Well I got my first vaccine in February and my second in April (Pfizer) and I am currently 12 weeks pregnant.

However this is not the main issue here. The main issue is your awful boyfriend. LTB.

IndiaMay · 21/07/2021 17:08

Hes controlling and you should do what YOU want to do. It's your body.

However it is concerning that so many people on here are saying "it doesnt affect fertility" or "it doesn't make periods dissapear " as there is a thread a day on here about that very thing www.mumsnet.com/Talk/coronavirus/4286719-Period-late-after-Pfizer-vaccine is one and in the first page many previous threads are linked to.

Plenty of people are missing periods for up to 3 months and people TTC who are tracking ovulation are finding they're not ovulating. It absolutely does affect fertility and periods for a LOT of people and we must hope it is only temporary

maddy68 · 21/07/2021 17:08

Does he usually control your choices?

3scape · 21/07/2021 17:09

If you're only with the controlling humourless waste of space because it MIGHT be hard to find someone else you need to not only leave him but also get on some self esteem programmes. He's done such a number on you you've lost all sense of reality.

Whiskycav · 21/07/2021 17:10

Being single isn't the end of the world, but the irrational side of me panics about being single not by choice and dying alone.

Being terrified of being single is one of the worst things you can think. It's really cliche, but you would be so much happier in a relationship, if you know you would be fine single too.

That thinking really keeps you in bad relationships, makes you start relationships you know are bad idea and that has a knock onto everything else.

godmum56 · 21/07/2021 17:10

here's the story from Zoe. They aren't gov't backed and use information from almost 5 million volunteer contributors of all ages.
covid.joinzoe.com/post/covid-vaccines-menstruation

godmum56 · 21/07/2021 17:12

@Whiskycav

Being single isn't the end of the world, but the irrational side of me panics about being single not by choice and dying alone.

Being terrified of being single is one of the worst things you can think. It's really cliche, but you would be so much happier in a relationship, if you know you would be fine single too.

That thinking really keeps you in bad relationships, makes you start relationships you know are bad idea and that has a knock onto everything else.

I was married to a lovely man, he died 10 years ago and I know that i will die alone. Sticking with an asshat won't guarantee that you won't be alone when you die. Harsh but true
Nanny0gg · 21/07/2021 17:14

@PPPPressure

Thanks for your replies, A part of me does worry I'll blame myself if I have trouble in the future but on the other hand I do think its important to stop the spread of the virus and I'd like to be able to travel to see family.

Completely agree with how controlling this comes across but I don't have any other choice but to bury my head in the sand about the situation

Of. Purse you have a choice!!
Nanny0gg · 21/07/2021 17:14

*course

category12 · 21/07/2021 17:16

Being single isn't the end of the world, but the irrational side of me panics about being single not by choice and dying alone.

Even if you stay with this bloke, you're likely to "die alone" - men have shorter life expectancy.

And really what's the point of living miserably with someone? No-one gets to the deathbed and goes, christ I hated that fucker and he dragged me down, but at least I wasn't alone!

Babdoc · 21/07/2021 17:18

OP, going and getting your vaccine will be a lovely first step towards asserting yourself, boosting your self esteem and maintaining your boundaries. It will show you that you do NOT have to live in obedience to a controlling shit - you can make your own choices. Go for it - and feel empowered!

Chickychickydodah · 21/07/2021 17:21

I had pcos and it took me 9 years to get pregnant after failed interventions, I really don’t think having the vaccine would affect this.
I’d be more concerned about his attitude if you can’t/ don’t get pregnant when he wants .

PattyPan · 21/07/2021 17:21

He sounds like the kind of guy you do NOT want to have a baby with! What a twat

I have PCOS too and I have had the first dose and if anything my period actually was slightly less irregular than usual! My doctor told me that with assistance most women with PCOS are able to conceive so don’t worry about crossing that bridge until you get there Smile

me4real · 21/07/2021 17:23

I think the stuff about it effecting periods etc is a scare story/anything people had like that wasn't actually caused by the vaccine.

I hope you have the vaccine @PPPPressure . You could have it behind his back, but if you feel you have to do that then the relationship/your partner is a bit shit.

There will be others who would love you.

Getting rid of a crap bloke is a plus rather than a minus anyway, you wouldn't be losing anything.

Original poster
PPPPressure · 21/07/2021 17:23

@gwenneh I guess I was asking if I could get away with it, and I needed to get it out in the open because I don't have anyone to talk to about this IRL.

I'm scared to leave (and a bit scared to stay how I am to be honest), a bit scared of getting the vaccine, scared of not getting it and I'm tired of feeling anxious about everything.

I got in my first relationship quite young and have been pretty much in a relationship or situationship ever since so I know that I need to do some reflection on my end. I guess its just hard to accept and see how previous mistakes can affect your situation in the future.

I'm reading all your comments and its been hard to hear but I know that I need to sort myself out so will be starting with counselling and going from there

OP posts: