I'm so disappointed - is it justified?

[dorothy3]

My parents live in a different town a couple of hours away, and we haven't seen them since middle of last year. We have two little ones under two, including a young baby, and it's been hard looking after them with zero support - like it has for lots of people.

We asked my parents if they wanted to visit us over Easter. We also said we'd be happy to go to them. We would form a support bubble with them, permitted as we have a child under one. We don't see anyone currently, and we said we'd self isolate beforehand. Parents have had their first jab.

They said no. I initially felt this was fair enough as they haven't had both jabs, but on reflection, I'm a bit cross. They go to the garden centre, the post office, and other essential shops all the time. They have had workmen round. They have even had an estate agent round recently. They see friends outside and drop things round to them. Why is it ok to do these things, but not see us? We've found things really hard and they're always saying they wished they could help more, so why not now?

I guess I'm just really disappointed and want to vent. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. If you think so, please be gentle - I'm struggling at the moment. Thank you.

Dot I don't think you're unreasonable to be sad, upset, disappointed. I feel for you, new baby under lock down, two under two, it really is coal-face hard.
Hopefully baby and toddler groups will begin to open back up again, they can be great places to get support and cake .
Gentle hand pat from me.

They are probably thinking of the risk to you and your family. If they are going to different locations, it is possible that they might pick up the virus without even knowing, especially as they have been vaccinated. They really wouldn't want you to become ill, especially as you will be in the younger cohort, and as yet unvaccinated.

It could be that they’re doing all those other activities while wearing masks, so they perceive that as less risky - but if you’re self-isolating beforehand then I think they’re being completely unreasonable.

It's totally understandable you're disappointed. Did they explain why they don't want to do it?

Is it because they're still being cautious and careful? I guess on balance having family round is more risky than the other activities you describe as there would be more close contact for a prolonged time period... but if you'd isolate beforehand as you say then it should be ok. There will probably be more situations like this in the coming months as people will have different comfort levels when it comes to getting back to normal. When are they due their second vaccine? Do you have anyone else to bubble up with in the meantime so you get support?

Thanks everyone. The reason for saying no is completely to do with risk to themselves btw.

There's no-one local to bubble up with sadly. We live in London, and our friends all live a good few miles away. I see local families out with grandparents all the time, and it's making me increasingly bitter that we've not had this luxury. Maybe by this summer!

We’re in a really similar situation. 3 small ones, including a newborn, and we haven’t seen any of our family for the last year. My in laws ignored all the rules last year, jetting in and out and round the country and left London the day the lockdown was announced to go to (one of) their second homes in the country.

We’ve both worked throughout with no break and are on our knees, so asked if we could visit them at Easter as they’ve had the jab. They haven’t outright said no, but have indicated extreme reluctance ‘because the end is in sight’. I don’t know what end they see, but I’m squinting and don’t see much likely to change in the near future!!

I don’t know if you’re being unreasonable, but if you are, I am too. I feel really grumpy about the whole thing! Solidarity 👊

Oh my god, top 'the end is in sight' is such a favoured refrain! Along with 'we've come such a long way, we'd be fools to relax now'. They keep reminding us as well that it's been tough for everyone. I absolutely agree we're really lucky to still have our jobs and we've not been ill, but our parents have DEFINITELY not had it tough - retired, pottering, going to shops, seeing friends, endless online shopping. Which bit is hard?

I don't think its at all unreasonable to feel disappointed.
I think it must be so much harder with tiny babies or toddlers and can remember the isolation I sometimes felt at the time my DC were little (if they were ill and we had to stay indoors for instance) and that was without a pandemic.
Its entirely valid to feel disapointed, and even, annoyed!

Oh I really feel for you. I would be disappointed under those circumstances. I also have a toddler and a baby born last year and have been able to form a bubble with family, and it has really helped. I would have found it very hurtful had their response been that of your parents.

You are completely justified in feeling disappointed. I would be too.
I honestly think this past year has taken a massive toll on people’s ability to think rationally. If you self isolate before, then you are no risk at all to your parents. You would think they’d be desperate to see you after so long!
Weird. Are you sure they’re not worried about something else? (house is a mess/would have to rearrange rooms to accommodate you/they have plans with local friends which they’d have to cancel?!). The reason they have actually given you is not valid or rational as long as you self isolate before visiting.

People see risk in different ways.

It's a fact that people are MOST likely to catch the virus of someone they live with - that's why overnight stays are such a no-no except in certain circumstances. By contrast visiting a shop or a garden centre is believed to be very low risk and who knows what precautions they took when they had workmen in? My mum had this and had all the windows open while they were there.

Finally the other thing that may concern them is public perception - few people know the rules on stuff like this. Perhaps they don't and they think you are breaking them, or they accept it's legitimate but are concerned neighbours may see it differently?

I totally understand from your side, that you're disappointed.

There are still many that haven't been vaccinated and they've only had one dose so not fully vaccinated themselves. I guess they'd perceive there's a big difference going to the shops, being able to sanitize handles and hands, wear masks and distance. Whereas that wouldn't be possible with everyone in the same household constantly touching items, trying to keep 2m distance. Other than essential workmen, we haven't had anyone in our house for a year. I mentioned to DH I couldn't get my head around having people in the house yet and his reaction was that he wants us and visitors vaccinated to protect all of us. Might be your parents feel the same thing.

They have probably got used to their peaceful existence and don't want chaos of small kids.
Sounds like you are suggesting a stay either way so it would be hard work for them if they are only used to seeing to themselves.

Feel for you though. Two small kids are vv hard work.

'Risk' will be used as an excuse for a long time.

@LavenderDiamond

They have probably got used to their peaceful existence and don't want chaos of small kids. Sounds like you are suggesting a stay either way so it would be hard work for them if they are only used to seeing to themselves.

Feel for you though. Two small kids are vv hard work.

My money would be on this being the true reason

I'd be sobbing if I was you OP. How hurtful.

I think covid has highlighted many people’s complete inability to assess risk in a level-headed, sensible way. I also think some older people have internalised the messaging about children being especially prolific ‘super-spreaders’ of covid.

I feel for you OP. Haven’t had anything quite as extreme as that with my own parents, and luckily they live locally, but like you I’ve found that they’ve become much warier of seeing us than they are of visiting supermarkets, having workmen in, sitting with friends in the park etc. Weirdly it’s actually become more pronounced since they’ve been vaccinated. While they profess to be missing DD and say they want to see her, I do suspect there might be an element of truth in what LavenderDiamond says, and then just don’t want the disruption to their established routine.

I’d be very upset too @dorothy3

My parents are champing at the bit to meet up with us. They aren’t local and we can’t form a bubble but we will meet outside as soon as allowed when the weather permits, and then inside when we are allowed which is more practical given the travel required.

They won’t be able to provide much practical help as I’m now back at work and they are 1.5hrs away and in their 70’s. But knowing they can play with my toddler for a few hours whilst I potter about doing jobs on my day off will be bliss.
I’d be so upset if they didn’t want to do things that are allowed without sound reason. They are due their second jabs quite soon so are feeling pretty chipper about things.

I can understand why you're upset - from your point of view, they're pretty much clear now they've had the first jab and should feel free to do what you want them to do they want to do. From their point of view, they're not quite there yet and want the security of both jabs - which makes sense, as the protection from just one isn't going to be enough and the older someone is the less effective it can be anyway. Going out to shops and meeting people outdoors isn't the same at all as having people in your home. Would you consider seeing them outdoors over Easter?

Also, I would put money on them not quite trusting your offer to self-isolate first - would it be 100% self isolation or is one of you working outside the home? I'd say it's more likely to be related to them still seeing it as too risky than them just not wanting to support you, as the chances are within another couple of months after a second jab they'll be seeing you anyway.

I'm in an at risk age group although not elderly, and that feeling of having come so far, the end being in sight, and not wanting to throw it all away at the last minute, is absolutely real - it's not just a thing to say to fob people off.

Sounds like my parents
They are quite honestly the most reluctant grandparents I've ever known

Anyone interacting with someone from a group significantly more at risk from covid than they are should be following what that person feels comfortable with, not pushing them to take more risks than they want to.

It wouldn't be up to me to decide what 'low enough' risk is before I met a grandparent indoors, if they didn't want to, and it wouldn't be up to my kids to decide what 'low enough' risk is before they met up with me indoors, if I didn't want to.

You should go at the pace of the person most at risk, not the pace of the person who's least at risk and most relaxed (or most desperate for childcare help, and I don't minimise that - you must be exhausted, but that still doesn't mean it's a good idea to push your parents into something riskier than they're comfortable with).

Did they quantify their response by saying like we will be 3 weeks past second dose on......lets book in for then etc? If not Id be upset too. Especially if you were isolating before hand too and the children arent in school. Their loss, big time x

I think it's really natural to be disappointed. Have to explained to them how much you're struggling?

Have you really made it clear self-isolating means no trips out, not even to work (because that's what it means), so you'd have two weeks completely clear of outside contact before seeing them?

If you have and they still don't want to I'd feel a bit hurt in your position. But you can't force people to do things they don't want to do, that's life. We have one set of grandparents that aren't that helpful with the kids - it IS a bit hurtful at times but it's their life and their decision, they don't have to be involved.

I'd explore other options for support - can you and DH ensure that each of you gets some completely alone time each week? Look into whether outdoor toddler groups might start up soon, or if there are any over zoom (better than nothing though not ideal)? If things are really bad maybe a chat to the GP to see if they can provide any support / links to support groups?

You are totally justified in feeling the way you do. Lots of people are still really petrified of catching covid and I guess they think they can mitigate the risk in shops by masking, distancing and hand gelling but will be wary of being around children.

Children have been demonised this year and treated like plague carrying rats. Our family also won't be around the kids which is fair enough as they have health issues, but it saddens me for my children when I see other grandparents picking up their grandchildren and looking after them after school when others won't even be in the vicinity of their grandchildren in the outdoors.

Like everything this year we just have to 'wait a bit longer', whether necessary or not.