I'm so disappointed - is it justified?

[dorothy3]

My parents live in a different town a couple of hours away, and we haven't seen them since middle of last year. We have two little ones under two, including a young baby, and it's been hard looking after them with zero support - like it has for lots of people.

We asked my parents if they wanted to visit us over Easter. We also said we'd be happy to go to them. We would form a support bubble with them, permitted as we have a child under one. We don't see anyone currently, and we said we'd self isolate beforehand. Parents have had their first jab.

They said no. I initially felt this was fair enough as they haven't had both jabs, but on reflection, I'm a bit cross. They go to the garden centre, the post office, and other essential shops all the time. They have had workmen round. They have even had an estate agent round recently. They see friends outside and drop things round to them. Why is it ok to do these things, but not see us? We've found things really hard and they're always saying they wished they could help more, so why not now?

I guess I'm just really disappointed and want to vent. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. If you think so, please be gentle - I'm struggling at the moment. Thank you.

Well said herecomesatractor

Hear, hear herecomesatractor.

@dorothy3

Oh my god, top 'the end is in sight' is such a favoured refrain! Along with 'we've come such a long way, we'd be fools to relax now'. They keep reminding us as well that it's been tough for everyone. I absolutely agree we're really lucky to still have our jobs and we've not been ill, but our parents have DEFINITELY not had it tough - retired, pottering, going to shops, seeing friends, endless online shopping. Which bit is hard?

I will write more in the way of why I can agree with you, but just wanted to add a bit to this particular bit you've said. I think although they have retired which says it all, as I often think with my parents, that means they have worked all their lives and done their time so to speak, there does sometimes from some, seem to be this expectation of what grandparents should do, not saying that's the case in your situation as you are merely talking about visiting.

@dorothy3

Thanks everyone. The reason for saying no is completely to do with risk to themselves btw.

So the other side of it is, I totally get where you are coming from, I have heard this a lot in the last year. We were staying with my parents at one point until we moved. What seemed to be okay for my father, was not okay for the rest of us! Now in to the end of last year and up until now, my DM will have my DC over to hers, and me if I want to, father goes out, plus umpteen deliveries etc, which to me is a bigger transmission than a lot of other situations. But DM will not come over to me, because of Covid 🤦‍♀️ despite this 'bubble' which people say you are allowed, it's a bit irrelevant when we have been going out regularly and then could transmit by going over to their house, or even just my DC if they go and I don't, it's ridiculous!

Your feelings are totally valid op as are theirs.

If I'm being perfectly honest as far as I can tell many people become very selfish and set in their ways as they get older and by the time grandchildren come along.

@hummummy

Really sympathise with you OP and don't agree with those saying that they disagree you've had zero support. Even with a child at the childminder, you've still got a baby at home. When they sleep, you've got jobs to do and are exhausted anyway. We live in a very strange modern society set up without help from others (we would be living in large family groups with plenty of support from grandparents siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles etc as nature intended). Throw in covid and the isolation and it's been relentless. Really feel for you and hope you get a break ASAP xx

I agree, in my exP's culture(DC's dad) it is very different, they have different lives so it can be done, work etc is different, not in a good way as of course this means lack of work less money etc, but certainly a different lifestyle. It is normal for them to help each other out, be it travelling to go and stay with the relative who has had a baby or has a few young children, to give support. I don't think we should take the p* but it shouldn't be seen as wrong to have help and support. Though I do understand dynamics affect things too, like where you all live as a family, and what people have going on in their own lives, like I always think if I had my DC younger my parents would of still been at work anyway. So might of just helped out or seen us at the weekends etc. I think it's sometimes different when you live further away, I know some go to visit and stay for a bit as if it's possible, it certainly makes more sense obviously if there is a lot of travelling. I know of someone who came over here to the UK and stayed with their relative a month after them having a very complicated birth etc, and having another child at home too, obviously this is a few years ago now not during Covid. It was a great help but necessary as her husband was at work, and her relative had travelled so would make sense to make it a longer stay.

It's hard when you see other young families with a lot of childcare support from grandparents. It's ok to feel short-changed.

@dorothy3

Thank you everyone, especially your kind messages squishy and tractor.

I haven't pushed them btw. Just asked once. I haven't even expressed overt disappointment to them, though perhaps they can tell I'm a bit low about it.

Ah dorothy I know you must be hurt

I think I would say I was hurt and try to get to the bottom of why they think it’s risky. Then if it’s the childminder setting they can say so and you can make a decision. Perhaps it’s the staying over indoors they’re worried by - perhaps they think their neighbours and friends will judge them if they see you before it’s officially “allowed” (even though as you say they can be support bubble to you officially but that might seem to them it’s bending the truth). Can you offer to take LF tests before etc?

I think you do need to be clear it seems like a rejection to you. I know this stuff is hard to talk about but it’s OK to say you’re hurt - how can you understand them if they don’t know what to tell you?

My folks are the same - I think some bad press in the early days about kids easily spreading etc but not showing symptoms? Can you do a distanced visit in a park or something?

I thought about the lateral flow test, in response to PPs who suggested it. I also thought about taking the toddler out of the childminder a few days early, so that there's a week of proper self isolation before the grandparents arrive. But both I and my husband really think the answer would still be no. Also by now, neither of us feels very keen to see them anyway, and it would be awkward if they came under duress.

Are you expecting to stay over / be inside? Is that why?

OP, I completely get your disappointment and it is justified. Unless they have some complex health conditions their reaction is disproportionate to the risks and feankly gives an impression they are not that bothered with seeing you at all. Don't do any tests, just don't go. I would reassess if you want to see them and how when they are ready.

If anything this government has done could be described as a runaway success, it is their campaign to instill irrational fear in the population.

I think a lot of people are happy to have short outdoor meet ups but indoor longer stay with family and close contact, they feel are very different. They may not want young children hugging them etc A lot of
People are still scared

I can see why you are upset, but I think you are being unreasonable to expect people to put their lives at risk to help you out. Maybe they take precautions when they go out or have workmen in or maybe they've done their time bringing up children and don't want to do childcare anymore. The difficulties you are having should have considered before having children. What if God forbid your parents met with an accident, who would have helped you out then? Paid childcare is still available.

They may not want young children hugging them etc

And this is what we have become.

They’ve been partially vaccinated; the OP has offered to take additional measures such as covid tests and self-isolation. How much ‘safer’ do these people want to feel? How long before they would once again feel ‘safe’ to give a small child a hug? Especially given that under 16s won’t be getting the vaccine any time soon.

checkedcloth"Feels like an unintended consequence of Covid - in that we will unlikely have a close relationship again with them."

Yes, indeed.

I think this year of lockdown will have shone lights into dark places. I think some family relationships will have been irreparably damaged and I suspect there are many who actually won't leave their houses again; along with those who have convinced themselves that popping to the neighbours for coffee is fine, a visiting grandchild isn't.

The irrationality of so many people (looking at MN) has been so exposed, it's mind-boggling. As someone upthread has already said, the only thing our government managed to successfully achieve is instilling terror into so many.

And I hate, hate, hate the term 'safe' when it comes to Covid.

@MarsandPluto

I can see why you are upset, but I think you are being unreasonable to expect people to put their lives at risk to help you out. Maybe they take precautions when they go out or have workmen in or maybe they've done their time bringing up children and don't want to do childcare anymore. The difficulties you are having should have considered before having children. What if God forbid your parents met with an accident, who would have helped you out then? Paid childcare is still available.

The op isn’t about childcare

My parents are like this. They don't want to do it, they like their routine and 'having time for themselves'. It's made my brother really sad that they don't want to see his boys. But what can you do?

(they were like this before covid, it's not a new thing. Is it new with yours?).

whose parents have said they don’t want to see them, and they are allowed to feel disappointed.

Equally, the grandparents are allowed to have their own reasons for choosing not to make the 2 hour journey to visit the OP and not be judged for it. We don’t know why they have chosen it, but I know if I asked my mum to do the same thing she would probably decline. And I’d know her reasons for doing that, so I’m fine with it. But then, I’d want them to visit because I am really missing them, not because I see them as people who are supposed to provide support.

Everybody is dealing with different issues during this pandemic. There are few examples of people being worse off than other people, it’s all about how your circumstances affect you.

@TempsPerdu

They may not want young children hugging them etc

And this is what we have become.

They’ve been partially vaccinated; the OP has offered to take additional measures such as covid tests and self-isolation. How much ‘safer’ do these people want to feel? How long before they would once again feel ‘safe’ to give a small child a hug? Especially given that under 16s won’t be getting the vaccine any time soon.

You said it yourself - they've been partially vaccinated. So many people here seem to think that having had one jab is all anyone should need to feel fine about indoor mixing. What is it that makes you all decide that a single jab (which is not >90% effective for AZ, far from it) is as safe as you'll allow grandparents to get before they have to see you or risk being punished by you keeping more of a distance in the future?

We've had some really promising results in terms of protection from even single jabs but certainly in the case of AZ you definitely need both for full protection. On top of that, the older someone is the less their immune system can respond to any vaccination. No one who cares about their kids' grandparents should be relying on them just having had one jab to be safe.

Seriously, what are the thoughts going through your head before you come to the conclusion that being partially vaccinated is enough and it's time grandparents started wanting to see their children indoors? What makes you reject the idea of waiting until they've had both jabs and are fully vaccinated?

I understand OP. We are in the same situation. My parents have only seen our 16 month old once before he was born.

They live 3 hours away and I suggested a house swap in April or May where we meet midway at a national trust and then swap keys and stay in each others houses for a week but they still think the risk is too high. They will not just meet for the day either as they think a 1.5 hour drive is not worth it just to see us for a few hours.

Our in laws are the same and it makes me feel sad that our 16 month old is missing out on a relationship with his grandparents.