I'm so disappointed - is it justified?

[dorothy3]

My parents live in a different town a couple of hours away, and we haven't seen them since middle of last year. We have two little ones under two, including a young baby, and it's been hard looking after them with zero support - like it has for lots of people.

We asked my parents if they wanted to visit us over Easter. We also said we'd be happy to go to them. We would form a support bubble with them, permitted as we have a child under one. We don't see anyone currently, and we said we'd self isolate beforehand. Parents have had their first jab.

They said no. I initially felt this was fair enough as they haven't had both jabs, but on reflection, I'm a bit cross. They go to the garden centre, the post office, and other essential shops all the time. They have had workmen round. They have even had an estate agent round recently. They see friends outside and drop things round to them. Why is it ok to do these things, but not see us? We've found things really hard and they're always saying they wished they could help more, so why not now?

I guess I'm just really disappointed and want to vent. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. If you think so, please be gentle - I'm struggling at the moment. Thank you.

Instead of saying the OP was pushing them I should probably have said that I don't think she should be judging them for not wanting to meet up until they've had their second jab, because I don't think she or anyone should be doing that.

People (not the OP) saying 'since the vaccine' that some grandparents are seeing grandkids - vaccination is still just starting in that hardly anyone has had both jabs. There's no justification for treating having had one jab just the same as if it was having had two, and then going on to judge people who aren't happy to mix indoors after only one.

I think some people replying here have no concept (and I'm not necessarily blaming them for that, as different people are in different situations) of what it's like to actually feel at risk from the virus itself, whether due to age or whatever reason. When you feel like that, wanting both vaccines is perfectly natural and understandable. It doesn't have to have anything to do with wanting to follow rules or not, if your primary concern is actually wanting to avoid catching covid.

If people want to postpone significant contact with people in their home until they're as protected as possible (and perhaps until rates are very low, which they absolutely are not yet), that's not something anyone else should be taking as an insult or a sign they don't care. Especially if they're higher risk than the people they want to visit, but actually even if they're not.

I can understand why you're upset and you have every right to be. Its hard this whole avoiding people shit, especially family.

My dad sees my children as a threat, and it has upset me and angered me at times. Now I accept it, but it did bring a range of emotions to begin with. Especially when we were barely leaving the house and he was choosing to go to shops, despite having a slot booked. He was choosing to see my sister, her husband and daughter who were going out to work daily. He would go out in the car with my sis.

It didn't and still doesn't make sense to me how my kids were seen as the bigger threat, but hey ho, it is how he felt whether it made sense to me or not.

@LavenderDiamond

They have probably got used to their peaceful existence and don't want chaos of small kids. Sounds like you are suggesting a stay either way so it would be hard work for them if they are only used to seeing to themselves.

Feel for you though. Two small kids are vv hard work.

That's a good point. Sad that some people will have become used to only thinking about themselves that they don't want to change back! Sounds like Covid could just be an excuse although not sure why that would be?!

I have a carefully hidden vindictive streak. 😂

If my parents had pulled this, they might have discovered an odd reluctance on my part to visit them once it's convenient for them....

I'd be full of 'Weeeeellllll, you can't be too sure, I don't think the time is right just yet' etc.

But then, I'm vindictive 😂

My response wouldn’t change even now I know your child is at a small childminders a couple of times a week. It’s punishing having 2 children under 2. I can’t imagine how hard it’s been during the past year, with no support from family and friends. Childminder is a small respite, but hardly makes up for the lack of social contact you’ve had for the past year.

I suspect you might not feel so down about it if your parents had appeared really enthusiastic and said you could go and visit 3 week after their 2nd jab. It’s the apathy which is hard to handle

My parents are being exactly the same OP.

It's upsetting me too.

We're in a similar situation op and YANBU.

It's been a hard year for people who can't see their loved ones. I can understand your frustration about your parents, they're out and about so why don't they want to meet up at Easter. I figure if they're outside London they may see the big smoke as a bigger risk. Schools have gone back which will increase community transmission rates in the next few weeks especially in bigger cities.I suspect they're being super careful.

Really sympathise with you OP and don't agree with those saying that they disagree you've had zero support. Even with a child at the childminder, you've still got a baby at home. When they sleep, you've got jobs to do and are exhausted anyway. We live in a very strange modern society set up without help from others (we would be living in large family groups with plenty of support from grandparents siblings, cousins, aunts and uncles etc as nature intended). Throw in covid and the isolation and it's been relentless. Really feel for you and hope you get a break ASAP xx

@HSHorror

Sadly i agree with the pp How you can claim exhaustion etc while sending other dc to a childminder several days while on mat leave! Then say you would si but continue to send them when you dont have to. I had a larger gap but had 0 days of my dc in any childcare until eldest was 3.4yo. And if your partner wfh he can help you during breaks from work. Though tbh nursery was actually more of a hassle than a help due to illnesses etc and waking dc2 up to go and collect. 2 under 2 is very hard. But you should be wanting to visut the gp for them to see the kids not so you can have a break (tbh it was never a break at either sets of gp anyway as - open fires/plant seeds in the house/detergent on one sink/letter openers/slippery stairs/tablet boxes in bags/squirting shampoo in the bath but not drinking it luckily/kettle too close on towel on counter).

So you haven’t done this during a pandemic then? Ok, just checking. I’m sure you’ve had your difficulties this last year, everyone has, and I sympathise absolutely with other people’s experiences which I can’t begin to understand. But then I don’t try to imply they’re being feeble when I haven’t experienced it myself

Thanks again for all the really kind posts. I feel loads better actually, having offloaded and read all your posts. to everybody who's struggling, or feeling a bit sad or low today.

To add, I want to see my parents just to see them too, and just for them to hang out with the grandkids. As in I don't see them 'just as childcare'. They're not especially helpful with the little ones, and we'd never ask them to look after them while we swan off (they've never really done this apart from when we had only one and she was very little). I was only thinking a change of scenery - be it a new place or new people - is always so helpful when looking after little ones.

Have they taken the opportunity to take a giant step backwards in terms of involvement, is Covid a great excuse to not be involved? Are they going to be the first inline for a foreign holiday requiring a vaccine certificate to the exclusion of the working population who have made more sacrifices in the last year? I think you need to examine your relationship pre covid to see if the current behaviour is actuality a real surprise or if it's just opened your eyes to how things really are.

They were always very keen to see us before. It really is covid, though I can see why you're asking - the decision was a bit surprising to us.

One thing I’ve learnt this year is that children are overrated. They are hard work, even more so during Covid. They are loud and energetic and annoying in all honesty.

When I had my son, I expected my parents to fall in love with him, like I did. I think I actually saw them less and they were far too “nervous” to babysit for him until he was about 8 and even then it was once or twice a year.

I thought ‘they’ll be sorry when he’s older and doesn’t want to bother visiting them’. Well he’s nearly 16 and I was mistaken. They are quite happy seeing him every few months, in passing preferably.

I find it amusing now and think to myself, will I one day live to see my son’s kids?...probably not. Such effort! No, I’ll be wanting a quiet life too.

Your parents have probably been enjoying not having to worry about little babies; not having to help with childcare and not having to feel guilt about whether you get a break or not....I don’t blame them for not wanting that to end to be honest. If I was in their position, I’d be saying ‘it’s a bit risky at the moment’ too...‘let’s just give it until August...or 2022!’

@dorothy3 I would let some of the more dismissive posts you’ve had wash over you - you’re knackered and feeling disappointed and really don’t need to hear some sanctimonious judgement that your right to those feelings is less because you’ve had access to a childminder ffs

Having a new baby is so hard - the hormones! The lack of sleep! The constant feeding! The colic! The inability to be put down! To deal with all that absolutely constantly (and parent other children as well) without being able to sit in a coffee shop for an hour or let them be entertained by a baby sensory teacher for a bit takes a huge toll.

I disagree with your (and my) parental views on it, but I of course respect them. I probably won’t be quite as eager to facilitate meet-ups in the future though, having had this experience with them when I have needed some extra support. My sense from your post is that they don’t provide regular childcare in normal times, so it’s hardly as if a once in a blue moon visit should be too arduous for them.

Are there any other families that use the childminder that you could bubble with? Or are you in any local FB parenting groups that you could ask on? I bet there will be others in similar situations. for you, I do get where you’re coming from.

Thank you topcat that's a good idea re asking one of the other families. We can try to hang out with them over Easter even if we don't bubble up ☺️

The vast majority of posts have been so kind, thanks again lovely people.

Completely understand your sadness. My mum has said she won’t be visiting me with my new born... too risky. Despite me having had Covid and being pretty ill with it so unlikely to have it again two months later. She got a flight to Majorca for a holiday a few months ago and has dinner with her neighbours and goes non essential shopping. There’s no Mother’s Day flowers arriving for her this weekend, wouldn’t want to risk there being Covid on the bouquet.

Have you offered to do a lateral flow test before seeing them? I think they sound really mean tbh, if they're happy to have estate agents and workmen round but not see their own family.

There is a difference between support and paid for childcare. My parents live abroad and my in-laws miles away and just not interested.

Support is not just looking after the child but also as OP says the company and solidarity and comfort that family is there to help. Although I did not have that mine were little in non Covid times and I was able to seek my replacement for family support from good friends. The OP does not have that because of lockdown.

Whereas perhaps she may have said she had some form of childcare in my view that is not "support "

Just wanted to empathise OP - same here although I have older DCs.

My parents are showing no verbal signs of wanting to see us when the restrictions lift.

I’m a nurse having had the most dreadful year of my career and over the last six months they have not once initiated any contact to check on my well-being or the DCs.

Very difficult to process, especially when there are so many families who can’t wait to see each other.

Feels like an unintended consequence of Covid - in that we will unlikely have a close relationship again with them.

I have a similar situation... although my mum has actually spent time with my sibling and their child. But as we live in london apparently we are a greater risk so she hasn't seen my one year old or 3 year old in 12 months.

Whereas perhaps she may have said she had some form of childcare in my view that is not support

The OP has a husband for that though.

Plenty manage with no grandparent support and it’s a choice to have two close today.

You could always arrange to meet outdoors and SD rather than stay with them as far less riskier to them.

To the poster who said that people who want support from grandparents should deliberately live near them when they have children - my parents put an offer in on a house and moved 8 hours away as soon as we had bought a house (in the city we both lived in at the time) when I was pregnant with my first!
I understand your disappointment and hurt OP and would/do feel the same. The suggestion of staying near them and doing outside visits is a good one.

@IceCreamAndCandyfloss

Whereas perhaps she may have said she had some form of childcare in my view that is not support

The OP has a husband for that though.

Plenty manage with no grandparent support and it’s a choice to have two close today.

You could always arrange to meet outdoors and SD rather than stay with them as far less riskier to them.

Have you been raising a toddler and baby during the pandemic?

People are very happy to forget all the things that were available aside from family support before the pandemic. Libraries, museums, toddler groups, friends’ houses, places to go to get a change of scene for everyone during what is a particularly intense period of parenting. Oh I know you’ll get all the “why did you have children if you didn’t want to spend 24/7 in your house with them?” and “just pop them in a puddlesuit” comments - we’ve had those all year on here, it’s water off a duck’s back. It’s so convenient to be able to dismiss other people’s difficulties and blame them. And of course this year has been so difficult for many people in many ways, in many different circumstances. But this thread happens to be about someone with a baby and preschooler whose parents have said they don’t want to see them, and they are allowed to feel disappointed.