I'm so disappointed - is it justified?

[dorothy3]

My parents live in a different town a couple of hours away, and we haven't seen them since middle of last year. We have two little ones under two, including a young baby, and it's been hard looking after them with zero support - like it has for lots of people.

We asked my parents if they wanted to visit us over Easter. We also said we'd be happy to go to them. We would form a support bubble with them, permitted as we have a child under one. We don't see anyone currently, and we said we'd self isolate beforehand. Parents have had their first jab.

They said no. I initially felt this was fair enough as they haven't had both jabs, but on reflection, I'm a bit cross. They go to the garden centre, the post office, and other essential shops all the time. They have had workmen round. They have even had an estate agent round recently. They see friends outside and drop things round to them. Why is it ok to do these things, but not see us? We've found things really hard and they're always saying they wished they could help more, so why not now?

I guess I'm just really disappointed and want to vent. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. If you think so, please be gentle - I'm struggling at the moment. Thank you.

Ok, that is quite strange.

I'm really sad for you OP. I'd be disappointed too! Many congratulations on your little one, even though you're so knackered. I hope things look up for you soon

I'm sorry you find it strange, @herecomesatractor

It's a sort of playing with language, implying through phraseology, kind of thing. I'll try to make sure to be painfully literal in future to avoid any further misunderstandings.

I disagree with how the op comes across DropDTuning, but that’s a much more sensible way to express it

Like I said, @herecomesatractor , I am perfectly capable of expressing it in boringly straightforward and literal terms if anything slightly more creative is offensive or obscure.

My parents would be exactly like this (they have been throughout the pandemic). It’s really sad and quite frustrating. I feel for you x

Some posters are being needlessly mean to the OP. Whatever happened to "be kind"?!

OP, I had a baby the day before the first lockdown (yes, just one baby and I don't have any other children), and it's so hard! My husband also works from home (but no that doesn't mean he's "home" full time to the posters that have suggested that - funnily enough he actually has to work and isn't just on a jolly) and while we have been able to bubble with my husband's dad we haven't been able to see them regularly (usually once every couple of months for a couple of hours).

My husband is a great support, but it's not the same as having other people to talk to for fresh conversation. I miss my family terribly and it's the one thing I can't wait to get back to normal - I too would be hurt if my parents declined a visit even though I appreciate that they may not be willing to take the risk. You are not being unreasonable to feel how you do, although they are also not being unreasonable to decline your visit (although I would have hoped they would have suggested a future date in the summer maybe).

I hope you ignore some of the posters, and I hope you are able to see your family soon!

@DropDTuning it’s probably time to leave this thread if you can’t be kind.
OP, hope you can ignore the unhelpful comments on here.

My parents also aren't offering any childcare until they have both jabs, one of them is vulnerable and it just seems sensible, having come this far, to wait another month or two. We have seen them with masks on and not inside, just to pass things over.

It is hard, I do agree, but I can also understand their perspective, offering childcare with children in childcare settings isn't risk free for them, I'm sure they will want to help once that second jab is done.

Similar situation here. 3 small kids in London, not seen my parents since the middle of last year. I really feel for you.

To be honest I think they are sensible to wait until they’ve had both vaccinations and the three weeks thereafter. It’s what I will be doing with our younger family members as well.
Easter is obviously just a bit too early for them.

@DropDTuning I suppose as a mother, I can't imagine not wanting to offer my children support if they were finding any stage of their life difficult. I don't think it's unreasonable for OP to find the baby stage difficult; why in previous years were people told how important it was to go out and about, accept help and support etc if it wasn't important after all? In that respect the childminder is a red herring because there's still a baby at home, and a mother at home with no opportunities to see others or do anything aside from the daily walk, and with the added consideration of how to entertain and help develop a slightly older child in a very strange year when they aren't at the childminder's.

If it were my daughter I'd really want to help. I don't think the OP's parents are being unreasonable as such, but I just can't imagine having the same attitude. If I really didn't feel safe I'd be saying how much I couldn't wait to see them after second jab or whatever it is they are waiting for (given they legally can meet).

Of course they aren't obliged to meet their daughter to chat etc (you know support means all sorts of things other than childcare - mental heath support etc often doesn't involve kids at all) just because the government has made an under 1s bubble possible, but the fact they have goes to show how difficult some are finding it.

I also have a baby (conceived before the pandemic) and it's certainly very different with two children at home doing crafts, baking and imaginary play for twelve hours a day with a daily walk thrown in for months. We're very lucky so I'm not moaning but it do sometimes feel like I'm going a little mad and confused so I can understand how the OP might like a change of scenery too!

Some people just like kicking mothers of young children. It’s strange they come on mumsnet. I just assume they are all women of a certain age.

Some people just like kicking mothers of young children

You do see this on here. It's ok to disagree with things, but the way the responses are phrased is generally mean.

There is a lot of "well, we didn't have soft play in our day...", but it wasn't a pandemic, there were many more SAHMs and they were all nipping into each other's houses for coffee and company. They had a village.

Two under two is hard. And no support is hard. It's not just any help with the children, it's also feeling that someone cares. The pandemic has been very isolating for parents of small children. It's been hard for a lot of people in other circumstances too.

Definitely @gamechanging888 I didn't go to soft play and such like very often (mainly for birthday parties) but I spent a lot of time popping in and out of my friends houses, and they to mine. That was in the 90s. My mental health would not have been as robust as it was, had I been isolated with my children. Parenthood seems to be more isolated now, even without the pandemic.
You have my sympathy @dorothy3
I can't imagine not wanting to support my children with their own children

@Sleeplessinsaltend

Some people just like kicking mothers of young children. It’s strange they come on mumsnet. I just assume they are all women of a certain age.

I agree, also a lot of people would say black was white for the sake of it. The same posters disagreeing with op would probably still be disagreeing with her if she was posting a reverse

Thanks for the continued support. I honestly feel loads better reading these posts. It's lovely just knowing that my feelings are valid (and my parents' too) and others understand how difficult the early years are without support.

Some posters have it absolutely right. It's not like we can even do basic things like sit in a cafe for 30 mins. My toddler was tricky as a baby, but at least we had lots of places to go and lots of people to see to while away the time.

I'm sorry OP. I know how this feels. I had a 2 year old and newborn and my DH was working in the US for six weeks (and I didn't have a pandemic to contend with - hats off to you on that front). I was so tired and really needed a break, I invited my mum to stay. She hasn't been that interested in me as an adult and very rarely came to visit but I was desperate. She said she'd come and I was so relieved at the thought of being able to take a nap / have an extra pair of hands.

Fast forward to the day she should have arrived (when I'd made the guest room up and bought the special vegan food she eats) and she rang to cancel... she thought the journey would make her tired and my stepsister was now planning a visit. I remember putting my head on the table and sobbing. I'm not sure I've forgiven her for her behaviour. I certainly can't forget how I felt. I know that time will tell but I don't think I could treat my DC like this Covid or no Covid.

Anyway, it feels awful when you are let down like this when you are already having a tough time.. Can you try and make some nice plans for Easter... your eldest will be old enough for a little egg hunt, you could get some nice east cook food / a takeaway and each take a turn for a lie in??

I think it's like anything else isn't it - OP and anyone in her position just wants to feel heard and understood.

I think if OP's parents said something like "I'm sorry OP, it must be so tough at the moment, we wish we could have spent some time with you but we just really want to get this second jab sorted. What about in May? We can't wait, is there anything we can send you in the meantime that might help?" that would feel a lot better for the OP.

I remember being disappointed that I couldn't see my mum at Christmas (like everyone else of course!) and obviously I knew she couldn't see us and wouldn't let her break the rules to do so even if she couldn't but her message about it was so "oh well, for the best" it made me sad as I just wanted her to say she was thinking of me and that she wished she could be there to support me etc. (we were going through a sad and difficult time for other reasons, as well as having a new baby and older child) I know IABU because I'm sure she did feel that way and was making the best of it like everyone was at that time but it was how I felt

Over the last year it's become increasingly obvious to me that my dps (late 70s) are self centred twats. I've known for 30 years really but it's without doubt now. I too am sick of the 'we've come so far' statements. They give me the rage. My dp's have made zero effort to arrange to see us when restrictions lift (despite texts over last 6 months saying they can't wait to see my dc) and us offering to drive over, meet outside etc. They're prioritising going to check their static caravan. They say they won't see anyone but it's a 3 hour drive each way...and it has a social club. They would just rather go there. But they're happy for me to organise all the other things our family does such as every Christmas for 12 years and their birthdays and even their 50th wedding anniversary...
My colleagues expressed surprise we didn't have a support bubble (disabled ds) but the reality is that no one wanted to be in one with us and no one to ask. We are keyworkers and worked throughout and now totally shattered. This whole thing has been the final straw. My dm is now giving me nasty and passive agressive silent treatment as I refused her 'offer' to buy the dc Easter eggs from her and told her to send something.
For context..they have been careful, but still going for walks, takeaway coffees and shops... so in no way shielding. They do lean towards Daily Express for their science news.

I'm so sorry raggie and lockdownicecream for your experiences. It must've been so hard looking after two for so long without husband, and it must've been really disappointing to not see your mum with so little notice and for a strange reason. I hear you. My parents in law have done similar, and god knows when we'll see them. They've basically said even after both jabs they will have to review the situation before visiting. They haven't met our baby, and we haven't seen them since 2019. I'm actually not sure we'll see them this year; we've given up trying to talk about that.

I’d be very disappointed and pretty bitter with them. Not sure how I’d forget it long term tbh.
Pretty self absorbed and selfish of them.

@DollyParton2

I’d be very disappointed and pretty bitter with them. Not sure how I’d forget it long term tbh. Pretty self absorbed and selfish of them.

Selfish to put their own health first over childcare/support? They haven’t had both jabs yet so aren’t as protected as it’s possible to be.

Given the risk level balanced against what their daughter has been through I'd say yes, they are being selfish. As I said in my post only time can tell but I can't see me treating my DCs like this in similar circumstances with similar risk levels.