I'm so disappointed - is it justified?

[dorothy3]

My parents live in a different town a couple of hours away, and we haven't seen them since middle of last year. We have two little ones under two, including a young baby, and it's been hard looking after them with zero support - like it has for lots of people.

We asked my parents if they wanted to visit us over Easter. We also said we'd be happy to go to them. We would form a support bubble with them, permitted as we have a child under one. We don't see anyone currently, and we said we'd self isolate beforehand. Parents have had their first jab.

They said no. I initially felt this was fair enough as they haven't had both jabs, but on reflection, I'm a bit cross. They go to the garden centre, the post office, and other essential shops all the time. They have had workmen round. They have even had an estate agent round recently. They see friends outside and drop things round to them. Why is it ok to do these things, but not see us? We've found things really hard and they're always saying they wished they could help more, so why not now?

I guess I'm just really disappointed and want to vent. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. If you think so, please be gentle - I'm struggling at the moment. Thank you.

Did they say they would as soon as they have second jab?

It is sad though . I can’t wait to see my grandchildren and have them to stay . But we have been keeping pretty much isolated and have not been going to supermarkets etc , so we are trying to hold on until after the last jab if possible . But the grandchildren are older and at nursery and school so there is still a risk.

Also if you have offered to isolate before hand there is very little risk . Would be different if you were working in an office or something.

They are within their rights to not want the risk, a trip to the post office is not the same as guests staying in their home.

Plus you mention wanting to go for them to support with the children. Maybe that’s part of the reason, they don’t want to babysit. I will adore my grandchildren if lucky enough to have any but wouldnt be impressed if my adult children only visited so I could take over childcare unless there was a genuine reason like illness.

That is quite sad, my parents have been begging me to let them see my kids after their vaccines 🙈 we also have a baby under one & we formed a bubble back in November. However, my mum is ECV & DD1 goes to nursery so when the new strain came about, we decided not to see each other for her safety. But since the vaccine, at my parents discretion, we’ve started seeing them (baby is still under one). They look after DD2 once a week & pick up DD1 from nursery twice a week & bring her home. We still mostly socialise with them outdoors but I think that’s just us feeling a bit anxious still .. they are coming for a could hours next week for DD2’s first birthday!

It’s obviously their choice, if my mum said no then I certainly wouldn’t push it. But I can see why you might feel annoyed if they go shopping, have workmen in etc!

I understand why you feel upset OP.

To be fair to your parents, I imagine that they genuinely feel the risk is too high. I also haven't seen my parents since last summer and won't see them at Easter. I don't mind as much as you, because my DC are older and I don't need the help like you do, but it may help you to know that my parents feel the same way as yours.

I am probably being unreasonable, but have felt a bit let down by my in-laws too. My dc are over 8 and in-laws live a 5 minute drive away and only stand on the doorstep to say hi every few weeks. I don't want much from them, but it would have been nice if they'd taken the kids for a walk or to the park occasionally... or even once would have been nice 😞

Thanks all for the solidarity. Thanks too to those offering the grandparents' POV. I'm certain it's not an excuse to not help out with the children or that they don't want to see us anyway - they were always desperate for us to visit prior to covid. It's risk.

I should add that our toddler goes to a childminder a few times a week. It's a very small setting though. My husband works from home and I am on mat leave. Self isolation to me would mean not going to any shops or public transport, but toddler would still go to childminder I suppose. Maybe that's the issue for them. BUT - I must add that they casually had a child of a neighbour's in their house recently for some reason that wasn't quite explained, so it's not that they think children are super high risk.

I should've mentioned the childminder point in my OP perhaps. Some posters will probably tell me now that I'm unreasonable. It's just really hard right now, and I'm struggling with the fact that some grandparents obviously think the risk is worth it but my parents don't.

Lots of sympathy coming your way from me

Sending your child to a childminder is not isolating.

The reason some people have grandparents nearby is that they chose to live near their parents when deciding where to raise their own children.

(Oh and I do live near my parents, in London, and they have done zero babysitting or childcare for us since covid began. I would never expect them to, they are in their seventies. I think it's crap to even ask.)

Maybe your DH needs to book some annual leave if you need extra help other than the childminder.

Perhaps they want to get through this without catching it so they can see their grandchildren in future and watch them grow up.

It's really, really dishonest and misleading to say that you've had 'zero support' when you're sending your one-year-old to a childminder several times a week.

With two adults at home, only one working, I'm surprised you're taking that risk. But that's your decision - not one your parents should suffer for.

But it's incredibly disingenuous to say you've had 'zero support'

I imagine your parents maybe don't fully trust your assurances that you'd isolate beforehand - you're very loose with your definitions of 'zero support' and 'self isolating'.

If you are being so ultra careful and your parents aren't then they probably feel bad that they might be bringing a risk into your home if they visit and also they probably don't want to modify their behaviour and have to isolate before they see you I would imagine.

Although we never discussed what 'self isolating' would involve - they said no before that.

I'm sorry, I wasn't trying to be disingenuous in saying we've had zero support. My perception has perhaps been skewed by what I'm observing around me - friends seem to have childcare from nursery and grandparents, and my husband and I honestly don't have a moment to ourselves most days, we're exhausted.

If you think I'm being awful and my parents are clearly in the right here, fair enough. Could I please just ask that you say it in a nice way or you can just ignore this post if you like. I'll pull myself together, the end is in sight as my parents would say.

You’re upset that your parents don’t appear to be desperate to see their young grandchildren, seems understandable to me. Some posters would flail the skin off your face for nothing, it’s their default setting.

Unfortunately a lot of people are using Covid as an excuse not to see struggling family members. It works both ways - some very elderly people have had no help and have been ignored too. Just remember this situation when they need you when they are old.

YANBU for feeling disappointed.

Are they very rule abiding people?
Could that be the reason for saying no to this?
Ie, they are happy with lowish risk activities if they are completely within the rules (meeting friends outside, workmen in the house etc).
But they won't take part in something which they consider to be edging towards bending the rules, even if that thing is lower risk than other stuff they do.

• Some people like to risk assess everything but are less bothered by official rules.
• Other people don't consider risk at all and think "if its allowed it is safe".
• And another group risk assess everything AND follow official rules rigidly.

I'm not saying you are wrong for suggesting the visit by the way, but some people might believe its not a legit support bubble if it involves travelling a couple of hours. Some people even invent rules that don't exist (but they believe they do exist). Plenty of examples of that, (eg it's illegal to go for a 61 minute walk, you can't drive to a supermarket outside your council area etc).

Realistically, when they live so far away, the support you get from a visit won't be "practical" support. But of course, practical support is not the only support that matters and you are not wrong for asking to see them. This year must have been really hard for you.

If they are the kind of personality who is very rigid about rules etc, then would this make it less hurtful perhaps?

Either way, they are missing out too even if they dont realise/appreciate it... their grandchildren are at an amazing age and they are missing it.

I think your parents are being totally unreasonable and actually it would probably influence my behaviour going forward if I were in your position .

Sorry cross posted and seen your update about the neighbour kid in the house etc.
So they are not huge stickers for the rooolz, so ignore my post!

I don’t see any evidence of you “pushing” them as some seem to imply - just expressing disappointment. We’re still allowed to have feelings, even in covid times

I think some people are very happy to forget what things were like when their children were small, and how different things have been this last year in that respect. Toddler groups etc aren’t just about “mums having coffee” as the dismissive like to imply. It has been intense and isolating. I haven’t dismissed the experiences of those who are alone, or those who are worrying about children’s education, or working and homeschooling, or furloughed, or those who are CEV, but mine have been minimised and dismissed again and again on here, so it’s quite nice to see some on this thread who are sympathetic.

I totally agree @HereComesATractor, having tiny kids is difficult at the best of times so this is just off the charts.

Sadly i agree with the pp
How you can claim exhaustion etc while sending other dc to a childminder several days while on mat leave!
Then say you would si but continue to send them when you dont have to.
I had a larger gap but had 0 days of my dc in any childcare until eldest was 3.4yo.
And if your partner wfh he can help you during breaks from work.
Though tbh nursery was actually more of a hassle than a help due to illnesses etc and waking dc2 up to go and collect.
2 under 2 is very hard.
But you should be wanting to visut the gp for them to see the kids not so you can have a break (tbh it was never a break at either sets of gp anyway as - open fires/plant seeds in the house/detergent on one sink/letter openers/slippery stairs/tablet boxes in bags/squirting shampoo in the bath but not drinking it luckily/kettle too close on towel on counter).

Thank you everyone, especially your kind messages squishy and tractor.

I haven't pushed them btw. Just asked once. I haven't even expressed overt disappointment to them, though perhaps they can tell I'm a bit low about it.