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Original poster

I'm so disappointed - is it justified?

156 replies

dorothy3 · 12/03/2021 14:16

My parents live in a different town a couple of hours away, and we haven't seen them since middle of last year. We have two little ones under two, including a young baby, and it's been hard looking after them with zero support - like it has for lots of people.

We asked my parents if they wanted to visit us over Easter. We also said we'd be happy to go to them. We would form a support bubble with them, permitted as we have a child under one. We don't see anyone currently, and we said we'd self isolate beforehand. Parents have had their first jab.

They said no. I initially felt this was fair enough as they haven't had both jabs, but on reflection, I'm a bit cross. They go to the garden centre, the post office, and other essential shops all the time. They have had workmen round. They have even had an estate agent round recently. They see friends outside and drop things round to them. Why is it ok to do these things, but not see us? We've found things really hard and they're always saying they wished they could help more, so why not now?

I guess I'm just really disappointed and want to vent. Maybe I'm being unreasonable. If you think so, please be gentle - I'm struggling at the moment. Thank you.

OP posts:
Original poster
dorothy3 · 13/03/2021 13:18

@Dwigvk I'm not looking for a fight. I only wanted my parents to do something that I believe is within the rules (we have a child under one, so are allowed to form a support bubble). I was happy to take precautionary measures to make it as safe as possible. I thought given their apparent risk appetite - workmen, estate agent, neighbours - this would be welcomed. Note we also offered to go to them, so it's not even about making them travel. It's not about childcare, more about support.

OP posts:
Original poster
dorothy3 · 13/03/2021 13:20

Maybe you're wondering why we suggested Easter rather than later - fair enough. We suggested Easter because the childminder is closed for a week, so it's a time when additional support would be extra welcome. Plus my husband will have the bank holiday days off, and we will all be able to spend some time together.

OP posts:
Original poster
dorothy3 · 13/03/2021 13:23

Oh wow @MarsandPluto are you really suggesting a person can never be upset about something to do with their children because they chose to have children? Really? And your hypothetical scenario where my parents have a car crash and die (??) is also bizarre!

OP posts:
MarsandPluto · 13/03/2021 13:39

Actually , if you read my post I said I can see why you are upset but that it is unreasonable to expect people to risk their lives to help you out. You don't get to decide what is more risky for your parents , going sbopping/nurseries, or having you and family over. Maybe they are done looking after children and just don't want the hassle of looking after babies for long periods of time. Yes, of course its okay to feel the way you do , but your parents don't owe you an easier life once you are an adult. The accident analogy is not bizarre- its an example I have used to show that a number of things could happen to grandparents and therefore when deciding to have more /children you need to be prepared to rear your children by yourself however tough that may be . There are always childcare providers if you need respite and luckily they haven't been closed during the current lockdown.

MintyMabel · 13/03/2021 14:14

They live 3 hours away and I suggested a house swap in April or May where we meet midway at a national trust and then swap keys and stay in each others houses for a week but they still think the risk is too high.

I’d say no to this too. What on earth would your parents gain from swapping houses with you for a week? It’s crap to be stuck in the house, way worse to be stuck in someone else’s.

Our in laws are the same and it makes me feel sad that our 16 month old is missing out on a relationship with his grandparents

What kind of relationship do you think they’d build with an hours meeting once or twice? There are so many ways to keep in touch and build a relationship. My parents and sister live 3 hours away. DD has a far better relationship with them than she does with her uncle who lives half an hour away. We video called even back when she was small and talked about them all the time, despite rarely seeing them, she knew exactly who they were and are really close now.

I only wanted my parents to do something that I believe is within the rules (we have a child under one, so are allowed to form a support bubble). I was happy to take precautionary measures to make it as safe as possible.

“Within the rules” doesn’t mean it’s something they are comfortable with. It is within the rules to go on public transport. I wouldn’t feel comfortable with that, but others do. It’s within the rules to go to the supermarket, but we know that’s where people are catching it.

I thought given their apparent risk appetite - workmen, estate agent, neighbours - this would be welcomed. Note we also offered to go to them, so it's not even about making them travel. It's not about childcare, more about support.

Having work done in your home usually isn’t just a choice at this stage. Nobody invites the estate agent just for fun. The problem is, you are asking them to increase their risk based on what you want, and not what they need. I daresay if this is the attitude to them, that’s got something to do with their reasons to say no. Have you said it’s because you miss them and really want to see them?

IceCreamAndCandyfloss · 13/03/2021 14:30

@dorothy3

Maybe you're wondering why we suggested Easter rather than later - fair enough. We suggested Easter because the childminder is closed for a week, so it's a time when additional support would be extra welcome. Plus my husband will have the bank holiday days off, and we will all be able to spend some time together.
So you do want childcare rather than support if your childminder is closed? If your DH is off surely it makes more sense to spend the time together and stay with your parents when they have had both jabs.

Very different having a workman in when you can stay in another room, where masks etc than family who won’t be SD etc.

Original poster
dorothy3 · 13/03/2021 14:38

No, I'm not after childcare. I'm looking for my parents to be around to spend time with me and my children. An adult to chat to, have a cup of tea with. I feel like some posters are being deliberately obtuse.

OP posts:
NoSquirrels · 13/03/2021 14:41

Can you go for a couple of days and stay in self-catered accommodation or a hotel? I expect they would like to see you, just don’t feel they can have you to stay. Workmen/estate agent/neighbour for 30 minutes at a time is different to overnight guests with small children who can’t socially distance. I know it feels crap but just resenting then without trying to either tell them how you feel or modify a plan won’t help.

RedcurrantPuff · 13/03/2021 14:45

@LavenderDiamond

'Risk' will be used as an excuse for a long time.
This.
butwhatcanwedo · 13/03/2021 14:50

I think lavender has it.
I had a similar thing. Was ‘bubbled’ with dm. She came over to drop presents Christmas morning but left and despite all best efforts wouldn’t stay for lunch or anything. But other days had stopped for tea although seldom. I was so upset but came to the sad conclusion she really wanted Christmas Day in peace at home (have three small dc) and couldn’t be face loud excited children. Guess lockdown has made people less adaptable to different environments from their own home.

SeasonFinale · 13/03/2021 14:51

@dorothy3

No, I'm not after childcare. I'm looking for my parents to be around to spend time with me and my children. An adult to chat to, have a cup of tea with. I feel like some posters are being deliberately obtuse.
I agree with you. People are being deliberately obtuse and clearly bonkers too!

Hope you are ok dorothy3? Hopefully the weather will pick up a bit and the outside world will be more accessible for walks and play outside and the like and that will help a little,
.

DropDTuning · 13/03/2021 15:04

Two healthy, salaried adults at home with one baby, deliberately conceived during the pandemic, while another child is cared for by someone else, is not 'zero support' by the remotest stretch of the imagination. It's insulting to all of those who really have struggled.

DropDTuning · 13/03/2021 15:07

@Weepingwillow22

*I understand OP. We are in the same situation. My parents have only seen our 16 month old once before he was born.

They live 3 hours away and I suggested a house swap in April or May where we meet midway at a national trust and then swap keys and stay in each others houses for a week but they still think the risk is too high.*

Why in the name of god would they want to do that?

HereComesATractor · 13/03/2021 15:12

The wilful misreading is really obvious. No sympathy can be spared for the OP by some people. What has “conceived during a pandemic” got to do with any of this?

DropDTuning · 13/03/2021 15:13

Because she keeps moaning about how difficult it is for a mother, a father and a childminder to look after two small children between them, and some other posters seem to think that shouting about IT'S A PANDEMIC somehow makes that infinitely more difficult.

HereComesATractor · 13/03/2021 15:14

Did you have a baby during the pandemic?

HereComesATractor · 13/03/2021 15:15

I mean, they didn’t allow support bubbles for parents of under-1yos for shits and giggles - it was clearly felt that there might be a good reason for allowing this contact

DropDTuning · 13/03/2021 15:16

Thank you for confirming and explaining the point I was making @herecomesatractor

Yeah the OP's parents are, like, so selfish for not giving her childcare!

HereComesATractor · 13/03/2021 15:19

I understood your point. She’s not asking for childcare though - she is asking for “support” which in this case appears to be some contact and a change of scene. They have said no, as is their right. She is disappointed, as is her right. You know support bubbles aren’t childcare, don’t you?

namechange63524 · 13/03/2021 15:21

I had a baby just before lockdown. It's hard. Most people acknowledge it can be a bit isolating and full on in normal times, yet some can't acknowledge how much that is exacerbated now. Its also hard as without others involvement, there is even more of a need to be everything for your baby at all times, without much break to recharge, without other people to love and get to know baby, without other people for baby to love and interact with etc. I have tried to protect my dad as older dc in school etc, BUT he was happy to meet friends etc in restaurants regularly but a trip to park to join us socially distanced with kids wasn't "safe".

DropDTuning · 13/03/2021 15:21

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HereComesATractor · 13/03/2021 15:22

I’m not sure how this translates into me saying her parents are being selfish, but I know that throwing that word around is par for the course these days. Lots of people are struggling in many different circumstances. I feel huge sympathy for them. I’m not sure why sympathy isn’t due to the op in this case, but clearly it’s a zero sum game for some people

HereComesATractor · 13/03/2021 15:22

What’s with all the “like”s?

HereComesATractor · 13/03/2021 15:23

I haven’t said they are mean. Aren’t you able to read my posts? Your responses are very odd, DropDTuning

DropDTuning · 13/03/2021 15:24

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