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Original poster

Husbands vaccine is today and he won't go

431 replies

Dbwoshem · 12/03/2021 07:50

My husband is group 6 (age 36) and its taken me a lot of effort to get his vaccine appointment booked through our gp. I had mine last week and I was so, so relieved.

This morning he gets up to leave for work and tells me he isnt going. Now this is because he is absolutely TERRIFIED of needles. He has a severe phobia of them. We have been together 20 years. He has had blood tests or injections on a few occasions and has always fainted. I do feel for him.

But I have spent alot of time this past week speaking to him about it and trying to ease his concerns. And also to stress how important I think it is that he should have it to protect himself and our family. He was going with me to assist up until this morning when he is refusing. He has now gone to work and I don't think he will come back for his appointment.

What do I do? I know its a phobia, but I am so frustrated that's hes willing to put himself and our family at risk. He has also said that God forbid if he ever gets cscener, or diabetes or any illness in his life that requires treatment from injection he will refuse all treatment!! This is a big, burly guy who is covered in tattoos! (tattoo needles are different supposedly)
I can't respect his choice, I just can't. Our whole weekend will be spent either arguing or not speaking to each other now aswell

OP posts:
rabbitcow · 12/03/2021 09:22

Agree re medical setting, ours are being done in a community centre.

pixietinkdust · 12/03/2021 09:22

I have this phobia... I rationalise mine as the fear of injections, rather than a fear of needles. I also have multiple tattoos and even a tongue piercing. It’s definitely about the clinical injection setting.

Please don’t make him feel any worse about it, it is genuinely like asking somebody petrified of heights to abseil off the Empire State Building. So many people have mentioned to me about the Vaccine and I always say the same - I would have it if it’s absolutely necessary but my body may not even allow for that. The mere mention of it makes my stomach churn!

Brefugee · 12/03/2021 09:23

The having tattoos must make it so much harder to accept his phobia, how the fuck are they different?!

They are in no way comparable (OP later made it clear it's the medical setting anyway not actually the needle that's the problem i think). You don't even see the needle with a tattoo unless you get very close and personal with the machine.

Oh god. Pandemic aside I just couldn’t be with a man who was so scared of needles. What a pussy.

We wonder why we have such things as Toxic Masculinity - when people spout this total bollocks. Fuck off with that attitude.

Lovemusic33 · 12/03/2021 09:23

It’s easy for us to all say “it’s just a small needle”, “I didn’t feel a thing” and “it’s just a few seconds to protect yourself and your family from covid” but a phobia doesn’t make you think rationally, it makes you think totally irrationally, I’m sure he knows it’s just a small needle and it will be over pretty quickly but to him the fear of passing out and making a fool of himself is over riding all the rational stuff.

Maybe call his go and ask for some advice, maybe they can give him something to calm him down a little before the vaccination, maybe they can make sure he goes straight in for the vaccination and doesn’t have to queue or wait?

My friend had his, he has a needle phobia and was quite anxious but had to have the vaccine for work. He was texting me whilst waiting to go in which helped, he didn’t look at what they were doing. He has many tattoos but says having a tattoo is different.

InfoInfoInfo · 12/03/2021 09:24

He has tattoos!

Ah right. But a tiny vaccine needle id different and takes a few seconds. Tattoos can take hours and result in scabbing etc.

Is it just an excuse?

InfoInfoInfo · 12/03/2021 09:25

Ah medical establishment - where is your vaccine centre?

Ours are in the local sports hall, a racecourse bar (no alcohol there !) and a church hall.....

babbaloushka · 12/03/2021 09:25

I have the same issue, started when I was very young, an unconscious phobia that I wasn't even aware of until I would wake up on the floor. I was very nervous about by vaccine, cried before going in. When I explained the practice nurse was understanding and had me lie down on the bed facing the wall, chatted to me the whole time. I find sensory stimulation helps a lot, would getting him some tangfastics, maybe something that smells strongly (I use a rag with Dh's aftershave on) and headphones with music help? There re also breathing techniques you can practice.

VanGoghsDog · 12/03/2021 09:26

I also have needle phobia and no amount of people saying "you'll barely feel it" will make any difference. It's a physical reaction.

I've learned to cope with it because I've had to bit I still often faint or at least my blood pressure drops and I can't stand up for a while.

Tips - drink plenty of water in the hours before because it keeps your blood pressurelevel and take water with youl. Suck a boiled sweet. Wear headphones. Make sure you tell them - all medical professionals I have dealt with have been very helpful, putting the chair back etc.

In extemis, ask the GP for a valium/whatever.

But you can't make him do it and you can't talk him out of a phobia.

suspiria777 · 12/03/2021 09:28

phobia has one of the most successful treatment profiles of any psychiatric condition; it responds incredibly well to exposure therapy. You can't force him to have the vaccine if he's debilitated by phobia, but you can tell him that you want him to undergo an agreed programme of therapy to try to resolve his phobia.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 12/03/2021 09:30

@BlondehairRedlips

His body his choice.
He's a father... he has a responsibility to his children to at least bloody consider. If he dies, from something he had a good chance of preventing, is that really fair in his children? Let alone his wife.

He could at least engage in finding an easier way, fir him, to get it done.

@Dbwoshem. Could you/he look at the various vaccination sites? Would it be 'non medical' enough at a football stadium or something?

Slidepastthevoid · 12/03/2021 09:30

I felt bad for him as my big burley uncle passed out at the sight of a needle - but then you said he is covered in tattoos Confused

Um. Yeah. Don't know if I can really empathize with the phobia anymore

boredbuttercup · 12/03/2021 09:30

Some posters on here are incredibly unkind. Phobias - by their very definition - don't make sense. It's not the same as the posters who just don't like needles, or even people who faint but can be morbidly cheery about it (I fall into this category myself). Phobias are crippling and so much more than being just a bit scared.

Well, you can’t make him. I have awful arachnophobia and if I had to have a spider put on my face to make me safe from Covid I don’t think I could do it.....

This poster hits it on the head. Can you think of something irrational you're cripplingly afraid of? Bugs, heights, birds - this is the same way he feels about needles. Trust me, he'll know he's being stupid, he's kicking himself, but he can't control the fear.

But I have spent alot of time this past week speaking to him about it and trying to ease his concerns.

It's a phobia, it's not rational. It's not the same as being worried about an unknown medical treatment where the fear is based on the unknown and can be mitigated. If anything you doing this will have just minimised his feelings and made him feel worse.

OP, have a think of something your incredibly irrationally afraid of. Now if you're husband was angry and coercively tried to make you engage in it whilst calling you stupid for not I bet you'd be here complaining about how unsupportive he is, how he didn't get it, and how shaken you feel. Well that's how he feels. Your anger is unfair and really quite cruel. You can be frustrated. But as you said you can't manage to be rational in your feelings about this, so why is it ok for you but not for him?

Nith · 12/03/2021 09:31

If the environment is the problem, might it be possible to talk to someone about, say, a District Nurse coming to visit him at home?

DayBath · 12/03/2021 09:31

My father in law is the same, yet he managed to give blood for a number of years, fainting every single time.

I don't believe it can't be overcome enough to get it done. There's a selfish element there that I couldn't live with, with the greater good in mind the human body can overcome almost anything. I don't care if he has to wet himself to do it, put some tena pants on and get it done.

I would have had him out the door long ago if he couldn't even be there for the c section. God forbid something happens to you, how would he ensure the child got medical treatment if needed? And refusing cancer treatment if he should need it is beyond selfish. No, I couldn't tolerate someone so wrapped up in their own needs. Phobias can be overcome but it sounds like he won't even properly try.

WitchesBritchesPumpkinPants · 12/03/2021 09:32

@InfoInfoInfo

He has tattoos!

Ah right. But a tiny vaccine needle id different and takes a few seconds. Tattoos can take hours and result in scabbing etc.

Is it just an excuse?

Try reading the OP's posts, she has already explained that, as have others.
Jennylou88 · 12/03/2021 09:34

CBT therapist here, see if your local IAPT service can offer any support, if not google applied tension for blood injury phobia. If you DM me I'll see if I have any resources I can send you. It's a real thing, and the fainting response adds to the fear! The applied tension techniques will increase his blood pressure and will mean he won't faint x

mumwon · 12/03/2021 09:35

we both had vax at different times different places & it was very much a case of "its done" & not feeling a thing
if he got ill with covid his treatment would be more uncomfortable & he wouldn'thave achoice

didofido · 12/03/2021 09:35

For myself I have no fear of needles - but I had to refuse to look after my son's cat when I discovered she has diabetes and I would have to give a daily injection! Just couldn't do it. The cat apparently doesn't mind. but I do.

Viviennemary · 12/03/2021 09:37

I couldn't be bothered indulging somebody like this. Just leave him to his own selfishness.

HappydaysArehere · 12/03/2021 09:40

Tattoos and he can’t stand needles! That is odd. Wonder why it is different. Apparently tattoos are really painful.

Chewingle · 12/03/2021 09:40

I have read your other posts OP

You are in a very unhappy marriage and you are very unhappy.

This may be the straw that broke the Camel’s back in terms of your marriage

FictionalCharacter · 12/03/2021 09:43

Sorry but if someone has a phobia, you can't just ease their concerns. A phobia isn't just a bit of anxiety that you can talk them out of. Has he tried specialist treatment for the phobia?
I have a family member with this phobia and it's a serious problem. Booking an appointment for them is not going to make it go away - it's likely to make it worse because they would feel I'm trying to force them.
I feel for both of you - it's difficult and worrying.

AmaryllisNightAndDay · 12/03/2021 09:43

It must be frustrating but why would you go to a huge effort to make an appointment for someone with a needle phobia? Someone who routinely faints needs a special appointment, and surely he has to dicuss strategies for managing his phobia with the GP before making the appointment?

You might not be able to "ease his concerns". It sounds as if you don't take his phobia/reaction very seriously.

I think it's disgusting to just not turn up a

So he needs to work it out for himself, take the decision for himself and make the appointment himself when he is ready. It sounds as if your own anxieties and frustrations have made you overstep. Yes, you have other unvaccinated people in the family but they will be vaccinated in their turn. You could suggest that he calls the GP to discusss the phobia but after that I think you should let it go.

OohThatCat · 12/03/2021 09:46

I have a huge phobia of blood tests in particular. The only way I get through them is if I listen to music in my headphones really loudly (probably deafening myself and giving the poor nurse a blast of my dodgy music taste) and shut my eyes. I will faint otherwise! Blush

The jab takes like two seconds compared to a blood test though, can he try doing the above?

LilMidge01 · 12/03/2021 09:50

I would say to him that if he wants to cancel the appointment thats his choice....but he must call and cancel it himself, not just abdicate all responsibility and not show up!!! He can't claim phobia for that- that's just being a responsible adult and not being a dick to the NHS at the moment by not showing up for an appointment that mgiht still be able to go to someone else if he gives enough notice.