I can’t go on like this, it’s ruining my family - can anyone offer advice please?

[Littlemiss74]

I am really struggling with this now. Wfh for almost a year, stuck in little office room all day upstairs. No distinction between work & home - just groundhog day every day. DH furloughed so able to be around to help with homeschooling which I am grateful for. The weekdays aren’t too bad I suppose as I’m so busy with work.

But the weekends are becoming horrendous! House is a constant tip as we are all always there. DS 13 is rude & moody & doesn’t lift a finger to help. DD 9 has changed from a sweet girl into a diva. She answers back constantly, bosses me around & argues constantly with DS. She is really hard work. Nothing I do is quite right.

We have a puppy who is very good & frankly
my saviour but they moan everytime i ask them to play with her for ten minutes, you know while I’m trying to tidy up their mess for the thousandth time!

DS slobs around in his dressing gown all day & has lost any form of table manners. All he wants to eat is junk & keeps asking for deliveroos. His language is also not that nice when talking to his mates on xbox/phone & has been saying soms things to my DD.

Last weekend i spent 4 hours cleaning the stinking pit of a playroom that he spends his life in playing xbox. All he did was moan at me for how long I was taking. DH & i agreed that from now on he would only get his weekend sweets once he’d tidied, dusted & hoovered the room at each weekend.
Today I asked him to do it & he kicked off. I said ok no weekend sweets until it’s done. It turns out DH bought him his sweets yesterday! DH said sorry I forgot what we agreed! I know it’s minor in the scheme of life but now I feel like my DS has even less respect for me & i’ve been undermined.
DH is softer than me & they know this & so I am the horrible parent. All I want is some level of standards and respect. I know it’s hard for everyone but they way they started behaving has shocked & upset me. They don’t seem to have any respect for us as their parents. I wasn’t perfect but I would never have dared speak to my parents likes this!

My marriage is shit, hanging by a thread I would say & I feel as though my kids, well my DS at least, despise me. Despite the fact that I work my arse off all week working to give them a nice life & a puppy that they so much wanted but is too much trouble to get in the garden & play with!

After yet another big bust up earlier I got in my car and drove. I’m sat in car in a car park crying & honestly just don’t want to go back. I really feel like mentally I can’t take much more. There is no escape, nowhere to go & no-one to see. I’ve been shielding so am very cautious about sticking to the rules.

I know things are so much worse for so many people but I’m really struggling & just don’t know what to do to make it better. I can’t think straight & I feel panicky. I am staying up far to late at night as it’s the only time I get in peace to myself.

I’m sure lots of us are feeling similar - has anyone got any ideas that might save my sanity? Thank you🙁

I don’t know what to suggest but I deeply empathise. The strain on relationships when sharing a home In lockdown is enormous. Frankly I don’t know how people manage. I suppose reminding oneself that teens are missing out on so much and living in such uncertainty is essential.

Communication is the only suggestion really. Sit them down and talk kindly and sensibly about how it’s affecting you all and what you can all do to help each other.

That or run away which must be so tempting.

Family meeting.

Lay it all out on the table. Everyone gets a chance to speak but not over anyone else. All voices are equal.

Recognise this is a shit time, you won’t be the only one struggling in the house. Come up with a plan together which you all agree on. Each day everyone leaves the house with the puppy and one person gets to stay behind and have the house to themselves for an hour. Rotate it each day. Flatly refuse to be a skivvy anymore. Not acceptable. They are all members of the same family, they all chip in equally. DS doesn’t get a choice if he wants to live in a pig sty because it affects everyone. People will talk to each other with respect and kindness. Anyone who can’t do that will have to answer to the whole family.

Tell them you are at the end of your rope. Explicitly. It stops now.

I don't think it's anything to do with covid or lockdown. Sounds like normal teenager and preteen behaviour.
Sorry, laughing a bit at "weekend sweets" for a teenager being taken away as a punishment. Thinm there needs to be a bit more incentive to behave, rather than just threatening to take some sweets away.

I am so sorry for you. It’s crap, isn’t it? I am in a very similar position with my DD 17. Lockdown seems to have totally changed her personality and I swear she despises me, as well. I also wfh full time and have lively dogs. My job is stressful, extremely busy and often requiring extended hours currently. I feel mentally numb now.

It’s very tough for teenagers; I think more so than any other group. Lots of them are having a tough time. I am insanely jealous of those whose kids are coping just fine! However, we need to try to maintain standards, for their own good as well as our sanity.

I really don’t have the answers; I wish I did for my own sake, as well as your’s. I just take each day at a time now; never plan more than a day ahead. Then I’m just grateful to get through the day.

I also stay up very late; to read or watch TV uninterrupted. It’s not good and this week I’ve been really trying to curb it, so that I don’t always feel so rubbish. I must say, I do feel better with more sleep behind me, so definitely try to train yourself to sleep earlier.

Sit your family down and lay down some ground rules. Write them down and tell them the rules are only negotiable with very good reasons. Allocate jobs; get them to choose what they will do or otherwise allocate a rota. Even your DD can do jobs like scheduled time slots to play with the puppy.
Set some standards. Must be dressed for school and by 10am on weekends. Dressing gowns are not for daytime wear unless unwell.
Tell your son you won’t tolerate rudeness or bad language; clamp down on it. Same with the arguing from DD. Privately tell your husband that you are equal parents; you back one another up and if you don’t agree with one another, sort it out away from the kids. Don’t allow the kids any sign of weakness to undermine.
Remember....you’re the parent. They’re still young. Keep telling them that you love them; find them for quality time and asking what’s on their mind, so they can vent their frustrations. Ultimately though, remind them that normal life will come back and they can’t act like this or they’ll have no friends if this becomes established behaviour.

Good luck OP. Sending you hugs and strength. Likely you’ll have shocked them by driving off, so strike whilst the iron is hot when you return. Feel like I’ve given you a big lecture here, which wasn’t my intention. Just want to say you’re definitely not alone.

Come on MN to vent if you need to; you’ll always get advice and sympathy on here

Oh heck, that sounds really hard! You really need them all to step up and help you more.
Can you call a family meeting, and explain to them all how hard you are finding things? Ask them what small changes they can make to help make life easier for you? I find if that mine are much more agreeable to make changes if I approach them when we're all calm and relaxed, rather than in the heat of an argument.
You shouldnt have to be dealing with all this on your own, everyone has their limits.
What things do you do to help keep you sane? Can you build a few little breaks into your week, so it doesnt feel so relentless? I am in a similar situation with similar age children, I sneak off to my bedroom to watch my favourite TV programmes a couple of times a week and go for regular walks and runs on my own. I also have a bath with a podcast on and a glass of wine most weekends. I cling onto these small moments of peace like my life depends on them.

I pulled all of my kids out of bed at 11pm last night. Marched them to the kitchen and asked them all to explain what the fuck they thought they were playing at leaving the mess they had left for me to clean up. Handed one a bin bag, another a cloth and bleach, another the hoover and the smallest one was told to put food back into the cupboards and shut all the drawers/doors.

Too many women silently kill themselves skivvying around for their families. Don’t do it. Now, make that choice now.

Why isn't DH cleaning during the week? Does he says he doesn't see it or it doesn't bother him? Can you bear to point it out to him, to write a list of jobs that need doing every day?
Also buy bin bags and bag up anything left on the floor after 24 hrs warning. Stick it all in the boot of the car and the next time you need to get away, the municipal tips are open.

If DH isn't working why isn't he doing 90% of the household chores and keeping proper check on the DC??

DS13 - currency to him is internet time. Learn how to turn off and on his access to your home internet. Ensure he got use his phone data instead.

Weekend sweets? No no no

Presume you paid for the Xbox? And the wifi? And the electricity? All the lovely things which come from being part of a family. Unless you don’t wish to act like part of a family in which case privileges are revoked. He’ll kick and scream and throw a tantrum until he realises you aren’t fucking around anymore.

I know you’re shielding but is there anyone you could stay with for a night just to have a break from it all, get some rest and clear your head? Crying in the car sounds so awful

DH isn’t working and you are so he should be cleaning and sorting house stuff, not you. If the carrot isn’t working on your DS you need to try a stick. No gaming till he’s done whatever chores he needs to and cut him off till he apologises for being so disrespectful and horrible. Tell DD it’s tough on everyone but no excuse for her back chatting or being a brat.

Ideally you and DH work together to clamp down on bs from the DC but he sounds like he’s as much of problem.

I really feel for you.

Honestly, I sympathise, OP.

Not much more to add really. There are other threads on the same lines.

Are you ok? Are you still in the car?

I wish I could conjure up a lovely commune for beleaguered women where we could all live happily and collectively.

I know your life is shit right now, but so is your kid’s.
And never ever buy a dog for the kids. Buy it for yourself, or don't buy it at all.
💐

If it's only him using the playroom, I'd shut the door so I can't see it and leave him to it.

The most successful and worthwhile thing I've done during lockdown is take the opportunity to teach DC some lifeskills. They've enjoyed it, responded well to the responsibility and it's actually very helpful.

2 teen boys now both have detailed instructions on how to clean the bathroom, saved to their phones and know better than to say no when asked, they've both done painting and decoration and minor repairs around the house, DS2 has been up the ladder to clear the gutters out and they've both cleaned windows. Actually, I don't ask, I tell them what the plan is for the day and they don't argue.

The great thing for you is that DH has time to do this with them and they'll look back at it as quality time with him (honest).

Never get a dog based on DC pleading for one, without first establishing how all the family will be involved in care of dog.

Everything that CcWanker says really. If your DH is furloughed why isn't he doing the housework, home schooling a 9 yo can't take all day surely and anyway don't be grateful for that, if he is her father it's his job as well!

But I do feel sorry for you. At the moment we're doing ok, I'm actually spending more time with DD and we're getting on quite well. She says she'll teach me to play the guitar.

Can you change the WiFi password daily and only give to your children after they have finished their chores?

Thank you all for the replies, I am reading through them in the car park.

On the sweets point, DS loves sweets & would eat them all day every day if he could. Last weekend i said he couldn’t have any until he’d done what I needed him to do. I’ve never seen him move so fast & he did help because he wanted those sweets! That’s why I said he can have them every weekend once he’s done his jobs but then DH forgot!
I realise this is normal teenage & pre-teen behaviour but it’s not normal to be living like this so all behaviour is amplified I think & there is no escape from it.

We have sat them down before a few weeks ago & said they need to help more. I’d not been feeling too good with my condition & tried to explain to them that I just needed everyone to help a little. They were both sorry & changed...for about a day and then the same again!

What do other people do for consequences for this age children? All I really have right now is to say no phone or electronics - what else is there to take away, they’re not doing anything else?
I then feel if I take those things away they will have no connection at all with friends which is so important at the moment. I’m worried for their
Mental health as well as mine.
I do tell them in no uncertain terms that the way they speak to me is unacceptable but it doesn’t make much difference. What do other people do?

DH to be fair is helping with school work every day & does pretty much all the cooking & keeps kitchen tidy. Rest of house Tidying & cleaning is what we need to work out. I actually quite enjoy it when I have time to do a proper job.

@CcWanker that made me smile - ‘you ain’t fucking around anymore’!

Some good advice given already OP- just here to say I really empathise, this is such a shitty and testing time and from what you've described I don't blame you for getting to end of your tether with it all today.

I'm not sure that sweets or electronics are the best sanctions in this situation. If you really don't mind doing the cleaning on a Saturday morning when they're all out with the puppy, I'd send them out to walk until it's done. The less mess they leave you, the quicker you'll be done and the sooner they can get back to their games. Unfortunately if they've left it in a right state, it might take you 5 hours while they're getting a bit cold and wet. Bonus is, you get the house to yourself for a few hours and they get the exercise

@CcWanker

I pulled all of my kids out of bed at 11pm last night. Marched them to the kitchen and asked them all to explain what the fuck they thought they were playing at leaving the mess they had left for me to clean up. Handed one a bin bag, another a cloth and bleach, another the hoover and the smallest one was told to put food back into the cupboards and shut all the drawers/doors.

Too many women silently kill themselves skivvying around for their families. Don’t do it. Now, make that choice now.

Wow, respect!

@DinosaurDiana just to confirm the dog was not bought for the kids. I’ve grown up with dogs & know what wonderful company they are. We’ve thinking for a long time about getting one. It’s been a difficult couple of years as my Dad has been unwell - my pup has been the best thing to happen in a crap year & is very well loved.

I know life is crap for the kids right now & I’ve said we all need to be nice to each other at this time, but I don’t think that gives my DS to scream ‘get out’ at me when I go into a room or generally treat me like shit.

OP firstly you and your DH need to be on the same page. He should be doing the majority of the housework if he's furloughed and you're working FT. He also needs to carry the mental load and take a lead in disciplining the children.

Kids need daily chores/responsibilities. I wouldn't hesitate to confiscate phones, electronics, turn the WiFi off if their behaviour is substandard.

I have a 13 yo who has gradually learnt to tidy up after herself and pitch in. It takes persistence and strictness but omg it's worth it.

If you're working FT from home and your DH is furloughed from work, he should be managing all the homeschooling and doing the bulk of the chores during normal working hours. Everything beyond that should be split fairly evenly, but big jobs (laundry, shopping, main cleaning) shouldn't be 'saved' for your time off from work. Tidy ups and meals etc should only be what's left.

And your DH is undermining you if you're always the bad guy and making you be the one to chase and hold the DCs to account. he needs to be pulle dup on that, too.

He's not on holiday; he's part of the family and he has responsibilities to fulfill since he has the time. You're still working.

"tried to explain to them that I just needed everyone to help a little."

No. Not "help" - if they were helping then that implies the chores are your job in the first place.

They need to take some responsibility, they also need to get dressed and bad language?! Nope. Not happening.

Be firm. Turn it around now, speak to them like adults. Divvy up the jobs based on what people prefer doing ideally. But there are no extracurricular activities at the moment so 30 minutes per day each will not be difficult.

You were bonkers to get a dog, rota for walking that too unless someone was opposed to it. That gets them off the hook for that one