I can’t go on like this, it’s ruining my family - can anyone offer advice please?

[Littlemiss74]

I am really struggling with this now. Wfh for almost a year, stuck in little office room all day upstairs. No distinction between work & home - just groundhog day every day. DH furloughed so able to be around to help with homeschooling which I am grateful for. The weekdays aren’t too bad I suppose as I’m so busy with work.

But the weekends are becoming horrendous! House is a constant tip as we are all always there. DS 13 is rude & moody & doesn’t lift a finger to help. DD 9 has changed from a sweet girl into a diva. She answers back constantly, bosses me around & argues constantly with DS. She is really hard work. Nothing I do is quite right.

We have a puppy who is very good & frankly
my saviour but they moan everytime i ask them to play with her for ten minutes, you know while I’m trying to tidy up their mess for the thousandth time!

DS slobs around in his dressing gown all day & has lost any form of table manners. All he wants to eat is junk & keeps asking for deliveroos. His language is also not that nice when talking to his mates on xbox/phone & has been saying soms things to my DD.

Last weekend i spent 4 hours cleaning the stinking pit of a playroom that he spends his life in playing xbox. All he did was moan at me for how long I was taking. DH & i agreed that from now on he would only get his weekend sweets once he’d tidied, dusted & hoovered the room at each weekend.
Today I asked him to do it & he kicked off. I said ok no weekend sweets until it’s done. It turns out DH bought him his sweets yesterday! DH said sorry I forgot what we agreed! I know it’s minor in the scheme of life but now I feel like my DS has even less respect for me & i’ve been undermined.
DH is softer than me & they know this & so I am the horrible parent. All I want is some level of standards and respect. I know it’s hard for everyone but they way they started behaving has shocked & upset me. They don’t seem to have any respect for us as their parents. I wasn’t perfect but I would never have dared speak to my parents likes this!

My marriage is shit, hanging by a thread I would say & I feel as though my kids, well my DS at least, despise me. Despite the fact that I work my arse off all week working to give them a nice life & a puppy that they so much wanted but is too much trouble to get in the garden & play with!

After yet another big bust up earlier I got in my car and drove. I’m sat in car in a car park crying & honestly just don’t want to go back. I really feel like mentally I can’t take much more. There is no escape, nowhere to go & no-one to see. I’ve been shielding so am very cautious about sticking to the rules.

I know things are so much worse for so many people but I’m really struggling & just don’t know what to do to make it better. I can’t think straight & I feel panicky. I am staying up far to late at night as it’s the only time I get in peace to myself.

I’m sure lots of us are feeling similar - has anyone got any ideas that might save my sanity? Thank you🙁

The weekend sweets is unusual. Are you saying your child is unable to self regulate at 13? If so I’m not sure using sweets as a bribe is wise long term op is he has issues there. Crap food should never be made a reward thing, it leads to a life time of eating disorders. Where people treat themselves due to bad day, or good day etc

You need to find another way to reward him and also to have sweets in the house constantly and to teach them self regulation.

Yes, crying in the car. I so, so feel for you.
It must feel wretched.
Sorry, no advice, just love.
X

Look if I had a pound for every time I've said to DS15 'We all live in this house so we all have to take care of this house. It's not optional, it's not 'helping' and its certainly not something you get pocket money for doing, it is the bare minimum that we expect as humans who share your space' then I would have enough money to build myself an annexe in the garden and leave him to it.

You have to be incredibly consistent with teens and both parents have to be on the same page.

We all clean the house together at the weekend, DS is able to say something like 'we were all planning a tournament on xbox this afternoon please can we do it tomorrow?' And given the circs right now, I will agree because I respect his time. But come tomorrow it's up and at it. No slacking till the job's done. Would that work, pick a time and everyone just pile into it?

I feel for you .Its very tough right now for everyone .I know you say DS loves his sweets, but they may be making his behaviour worse.Maybe some chocolate ,also fresh fruit Strawberries/grapes /raspberries? Can you say that you all go out with the pup for an hour or so ? DH needs to realise that he is an equal parent and not "good cop" while you play "bad cop" .Good luck and try to realise its not for ever .Schools will reopen and some semblence of routine will come about

@BillMasheen

It's about time your husband realizes that he is making himself expendable and that unless he starts pulling his weight, the entire family would be better off without him

I think that’s a brilliant point.

He sounds horrendous

But how have you jumped to him being expendable
We have no idea about finances. Dh is furloughed but op makes no ref to working and if she does we don’t know ration of earnings

Added to which * DH to be fair is helping with school work every day & does pretty much all the cooking & keeps kitchen tidy. *

Doing all the cooking in lockdown and keeping kitchen clean, esp with teens, is a big bloody deal!

@CheddarGorgeous love your reply 👏👏

Strong stuff from @CheddarGorgeous there. I agree - though I guarantee you that the men doing these things would not. But these were the reasons that my marriage ended; nothing major, just the daily grind of not being treated as a significant human being. No further comment is needed as far as your DH is concerned.
Re the kids, 13/14 is a horrible age, as PPs have said. But also a very fragile one. We survived it with a rota which included all of us (me included) in every daily chore, including dog walking, and accepting which battles to choose (tidying the room was not one; internet time was). I'd also agree that time when you all just talk is really, really important - these are when you build the bridges between you and your teen DC. And also that just because another person can whip their teens into line, doesn't mean we all can, all of the time. My DC1 was a totally different ballgame to DC2. YOu have to decide what really matters, and just keep talking, however hard it gets.
I really feel for you, but you have lots of great advice on this thread, hope some of it helps

Kids are pre teen here, but I've started making them do things. I tell them that they have 2 parents working stupid hours to afford things like: a place to live, holidays, Internet etc. Their part of the deal is to sort their own rooms out and do what they're told re chores, without complaint.

I'm a big fan of using screen time as punishment. Works a treat on ds. If he loses time with his mates, tough. I'm also big on praise too, even they've done a bit of a shit job. Last ld they both got in the habit of making their own lunch, because I was too busy. I'm working on getting them to clean up next.

"It's about time your husband realizes that he is making himself expendable and that unless he starts pulling his weight, the entire family would be better off without him"

He's making himself expendable by bringing in a wage, doing all of the homeschooling, all of the cooking and cleaning up as he goes?!

@Littlemiss74- first up, this is a really hard time to get through. I've also driven away and cried in a car park. It's not much fun. So hugs.

1. Don't ever spend another 4 hours of YOUR weekend - tidying up their playroom
2. Work out how to disable the internet, from your provider. You should be able to kill it on specific devices. Not just having to run away with the router. Kids don't pull their fingers out, they don't get internet.
3. Ideally get everyone out of the house. It's hard, it's rubbish, but the more fresh air the better.
4. If 4 fails, take the puppy and yourself and depart for several hours. At least then you will have had some time to have time out and deep breaths.

Crap food should never be made a reward thing, it leads to a life time of eating disorders

Don't be so ridiculous. Some crap food is tasty, as we all kniw. Buying sweets as an occasional treat isn't going to lead to a life of eating disorders

My dc love it when they are bought a bag of sweets as a treat.
They also fist bump if I buy fruit corner yoghurts, raspberries, a whole pineapple, bacon or several other things that they love but are bought infrequently for various reasons.

Enjoying nice things is healthy and normal as long as it goes with the education and understanding of why something is only bought occasionally.

@DinosaurDiana thank you, I just meant that the pup & all things with it are not cheap & they are lucky that were able to have her. To be fair my DD is very good with her, comes on all walk & likes training her. I am just surprised at DS really as I thought he would spend more time with her than he does, he is actually very good with animals, but it seems that not even she can move him off his xbox/sofa!🙄

Following this thread for the helpful advice. It is Groundhog Day, and I feel like I'm running a hotel, especially at weekends. You have my sympathies OP, sitting in a car park crying is rubbish!

This has probably already been suggested and is only a small thing but you don’t mention anything that you do for yourself at all. Do you do any exercise out of the house, if you’re not a runner can you just go for a daily walk? Getting out of the hothouse and taking some time for yourself can really help and exercise of any sort is good for your mental health. Also do you have any support irl from family or friends. If you don’t fancy zoom after working all day an old fashioned telephone chat can be helpful. Having a moan to someone who you know and knows you well and hearing about other people having the same struggles can be helpful. Also if you are feeling panicky and tearful it sounds like you may be suffering from anxiety and/or depression. Not surprising in the circumstances but consider talking to your GP about starting antidepressants. It might help and needn’t be forever. You are doing brilliantly. This sounds very tough and it’s not a competition about who is having the worst lockdown. Just because others might be having an objectively tougher time on paper doesn’t invalidate your own difficulties and struggles.

Keep focusing on the end of lockdown. We are doing well on vaccinations, hopefully schools will reopen in March. As long as people keep to the restrictions a bit longer we should all be out and about soon.

So many things I relate to there OP! You are not alone. I think you’re doing an amazing job. Make your room a lovely hideaway, get a good book and tell them to leave you alone until whatever time.

13-14 year olds are at hard work: I have 2, and knew it was coming as I’ve taught this age group for years and know year 9s are bonkers 😂

Oh you poor thing. It sounds totally miserable.

I think many can relate. I guess the only helpful thing I can say is it won't be like this forever, your DS and DD will be back at school soonish, we hope ... and things will be better with them then.

That will make things better with you and DH.

When the weather is better, the lockdown is eased ... everything will be just that bit better.

You just have to ride out this bit as best you can. This is a temporary shit thing, your marriage isn't going to be permanently shit and nor is your reln with your kids.

Just do what you can to get through - try to get out, rest and keep warm ... and if your kids slob about ... then maybe just let it go for and easy life. It won't be forever.

Fucking hell, OP! I feel mad for you.

XBox goes. I’d lock it away somewhere he wouldn’t guess. (Boot of your car maybe?) and I would keep it there indefinitely until DS had earned it back.

A rota for jobs for everyone. No one opts out otherwise there are consequences e.g. no take away, sweets, phone or whatever.

Rudeness equates to an extra day without the Xbox/phone or whatever.

When the Xbox is returned it is limited to 2x1 hour a day or what suits.

You and DH need to be on the same page with this one.

We get DS15 to help with the household chores on a Saturday. It's non negotiable. He also has to empty the dishwasher each day. And cook once a week.

Sounds like you all really need some sort of routine. One of the worst things about lockdowns is, as you say, the rudderless, Groundhog Day kind of feeling about them.

List of things that need to happen every day:
Exercise/outdoor time
Tidying up
Personal hygiene
Cleaning/laundry
Creative time (reading/writing/crafts/meditation whatever)
Cooking/meal prepping/meal planning
Puppy care and training
School/work time (whether doing your own or DH helping DD)
Leisure time

Everyone in the house should be doing the above every day. It is possible. You'll probably have to schedule it in at first but DH has got time to manage the schedule for the DC while you work. No leisure or junk until the rest is done. They'll resist in the beginning but will actually be happier once they all get into the idea of having a daily routine to follow. Yes, your DD is old enough to do all those things. My DD9 does.

Have you got anywhere you can go for a few days break? I know it's not easy atm but that would be my solution in normal times. Tell them you're going away, they need to get their act together, get the place cleaned up and commit to it for the future - otherwise you'll be off again. And you'll only go home when the house is straight. That warning includes your DH!

I think you'd feel better if you and your husband were on the same page. By choosing to be 'softer' than you, he is essentially leaving the responsibility for all of the discipline on you. It sounds like it's currently you v the rest of the family, including him. No wonder things are getting chaotic.

What was his response when you told him you were feeling like this?

When did your babies grow out of Colic?

14 weeks in and still no light at the end of the tunnel

Thank you for all the kind & helpful comments & suggestions, it’s very helpful.

The main point in all of this OP is that you do not own the responsibility for all this shit. Don’t use phrases like “I need help” “it’s too much for me” “can you please” you don’t own the shit work. It belongs to everyone in the house, when you use language like that you are taking ownership of it all and asking for someone to do you a favour. It becomes, as you’ve found out, a battle ground. Crying and screaming so they help for a day and then revert to normal doesn’t work, because in essence they still believe it belongs to YOU.

I’ve told my children since they were small, I am NOT your skivvy. I am your mother. It was my job to grow you and feed and clean you when you couldn’t. Now you can. And now it’s my job to raise self sufficient children who remain self sufficient as adults. I’m not having daughters who think grow into women who think this Mrs Hinch “cleaning for fun” shit is normal. Or sons who think their wife will do everything Mummy did.

I know it’s hard to bring about change when it isn’t established but you are not just doing yourself a favour you are teaching your children to be responsible adults.