I can’t go on like this, it’s ruining my family - can anyone offer advice please?

[Littlemiss74]

I am really struggling with this now. Wfh for almost a year, stuck in little office room all day upstairs. No distinction between work & home - just groundhog day every day. DH furloughed so able to be around to help with homeschooling which I am grateful for. The weekdays aren’t too bad I suppose as I’m so busy with work.

But the weekends are becoming horrendous! House is a constant tip as we are all always there. DS 13 is rude & moody & doesn’t lift a finger to help. DD 9 has changed from a sweet girl into a diva. She answers back constantly, bosses me around & argues constantly with DS. She is really hard work. Nothing I do is quite right.

We have a puppy who is very good & frankly
my saviour but they moan everytime i ask them to play with her for ten minutes, you know while I’m trying to tidy up their mess for the thousandth time!

DS slobs around in his dressing gown all day & has lost any form of table manners. All he wants to eat is junk & keeps asking for deliveroos. His language is also not that nice when talking to his mates on xbox/phone & has been saying soms things to my DD.

Last weekend i spent 4 hours cleaning the stinking pit of a playroom that he spends his life in playing xbox. All he did was moan at me for how long I was taking. DH & i agreed that from now on he would only get his weekend sweets once he’d tidied, dusted & hoovered the room at each weekend.
Today I asked him to do it & he kicked off. I said ok no weekend sweets until it’s done. It turns out DH bought him his sweets yesterday! DH said sorry I forgot what we agreed! I know it’s minor in the scheme of life but now I feel like my DS has even less respect for me & i’ve been undermined.
DH is softer than me & they know this & so I am the horrible parent. All I want is some level of standards and respect. I know it’s hard for everyone but they way they started behaving has shocked & upset me. They don’t seem to have any respect for us as their parents. I wasn’t perfect but I would never have dared speak to my parents likes this!

My marriage is shit, hanging by a thread I would say & I feel as though my kids, well my DS at least, despise me. Despite the fact that I work my arse off all week working to give them a nice life & a puppy that they so much wanted but is too much trouble to get in the garden & play with!

After yet another big bust up earlier I got in my car and drove. I’m sat in car in a car park crying & honestly just don’t want to go back. I really feel like mentally I can’t take much more. There is no escape, nowhere to go & no-one to see. I’ve been shielding so am very cautious about sticking to the rules.

I know things are so much worse for so many people but I’m really struggling & just don’t know what to do to make it better. I can’t think straight & I feel panicky. I am staying up far to late at night as it’s the only time I get in peace to myself.

I’m sure lots of us are feeling similar - has anyone got any ideas that might save my sanity? Thank you🙁

nothing wrong with weekend sweets
"can't self-regulate" geez!! i despair
my 14 yr old adores sweets, too, op and his friday sweets certainly provide us with a bit of leverage which i'm happy to exploit
and i can reassure the pious police that his relationship with food is pretty healthy and he's a sporty, active kid (normally- not at the moment, obviously)
don't wory about the sweets op; it's not the sweets

And your bloody husband needs to be told the same thing. He’s the soft one? Nope. He’s opting out of having to be the hard one, that’s all!

Remove his xbox. I’ll bet that will get him following house rules. Give him a list of chores he needs to do each day. If he’s rude or refuses to help round the house, unplug the Xbox and put it away. Teens value their electronics more than life itself.

It sounds like you're dealing with a lot atm. One suggestion for 13 year old is: introduce age appropriate punishments also pocket money (with which he can buy sweets if he likes) if only your son uses playroom then set a rule for him - you close door and ignore it all week. At the end of the day on Friday you will bag up any mess so that you can hoover. Anything in bag goes to tip. Mean what you say and do it if you have to.
make sure you and husband work together on this. Lockdown has been crappy for everyone and terrible for teenagers but it won't last forever and we need to give them some reassuring boundaries for them in the meantime.

Won't add any advice because you're getting some really good stuff on here - just wanted to say I could feel my own anxiety rising just reading your OP and I can totally sympathise.

I don't have any advice but I just wanted to say that I felt this post with every bone in my body. My state of mind sounds very similar to yours right now and I feel very very very close to the edge of what I can mentally take. My 10 year old has completely transformed from a very sporty, sweet, polite boy to an x-box obsessed kid with a bad attitude and no motivation. I work full-time from home and feel that my focus and productivity has completely nose-dived. I am constantly close to tears and am really struggling.

Please know that you're not alone in the way you feel. You are doing amazingly well just to be keeping your shit together. Speak out, tell your family in no uncertain terms how you're feeling and what they can do to help. Take time on your own wherever and whenever possible. Call a friend. If you need to, reach out and get professional help, that's my next step if I don't start to feel better. I hope you can find a way to feel better soon.

I think you need to abandaon today, its nearly over now. Try to get a good nights sleep. Block off 2 hours for yourself.....take time off work.

Book a few sessions with a good therapist. The short term goal is some support for yourself.

Then , when you feel up to it, separate out the issues. The marriage, the children, the house, your job, the pandemic.
Then work out a way forward.

Don't get caught up in the minutae of sweets and who plays with the puppy. Thats not what this is about.

I know that teenagers are really hard work even pre covid. I have had days (not many but some) where I've finished work on a Friday and felt like getting on a train to anywhere. It does change.
When you've had a breather - you could think about the twenty minute tidy - it does work.

@randomer I think you’re right, there are so many issues going round in my head I can’t think straight to sort them out & in what order. My work offer counselling so I might look into that. I also think that we could do with seeing someone together, only because when I try and suggest ways to improve things he agrees but then it’s never stuck to. I have become a bit low lately, I don’t think he realises how much & it might be better to have a neutral person to listen to us both. I could do with taking some time off but we are so busy at work I don’t think I can this week as then I’ll feel like I’m failing my boss too!

Sad to say but lockdown has drastically changed kids’ attitudes and family dynamics, mostly for the worst. My DS14 is now a cyborg who cannot be separated from his devices without a full on meltdown, but at the same time his mental health has deteriorated and he’s lost interest in just about everything. I’ve had to back off a bit and expect less from him as he just doesn’t have it in him to do much at present. Ostensibly it’s about schools being closed and not seeing his friends, but I do wonder if when schools re open ( whenever that will be) there will have been some permanent damage to his self image, social skills etc.

Your H is the primary problem here.

Not judging, just thinking out loud....
I don't understand why being at home is an excuse to forget manners? We've also been home for a year, kid (15) not been sent back to school. We have the same daily routine. He still has to pack/unpack dishwasher daily. He has to do some cleaning in his room.

The only real difference is that since nov I'm not working (redundancy, not choice) and my H who has a job,so he gets to do nothing. And on the weekends he still helps out, because that's the usual arrangement and he is used to it.
Sorry, the other difference is that kid has not been in jeans or proper clothes for a year now. But we're fine with that.
At the end of it, it comes down to what you tolerate and allow.

Please please OP, look at the language you are using. Never mind " might try counseling", get some rest, throw a sickie and get some support.

So, your kids don't stick to your rules, and your husband doesn't stick to your rules.

Why isn't your husband making the rules with you, and enforcing them with you? He's just adding to your burden at the moment.

That sounds awful OP. Your DH is being a total cocklodger if you are the only one working and he also expects you to cook and clean.

You need to sit down and has this out with them all. Be honest- you don’t feel loved or appreciated. All you do is work and tidy up after them. There needs to be changes.

Meet with DH first and work out a joint plan and them present things to the kids for their input. If he can’t support you and work things out together then you have big problems.

You are not their skivvy.

Thank you again for so many kind comments, I am trying to keep up to reply.

Just to clarify I am currently wfh but I am not full
time although we have lot of work on at the moment so I am doing additional hours. My DH is flexi- furloughed so has to work some hours each week but can be flexible when he does these. He is a good man & is good at domestic chores, better than me. He tries to do stuff in between home schooling help, cooking us meals & spending time with my DD in the afternoons, they have been watching films together. He is far from abusive & he is great Dad.

Our relationship has suffered I think due to us all being together all the time. We’re used to going out to work, having time apart, having our own things to do & then coming back together in the evening where we will then have things to talk about from our day. Not much to talk about nowadays. I am used to coming home from work & having an hour to myself before getting DD. I miss that one hour a day for me to do whatever I want, even just sit quietly. That doesn’t happen now. I think i’ve got a bit low with everything, I have had some difficulties with my elderly parents in the past year which has been stressful as they need my support. Also shielding has made me quite anxious. I’ve lost any sense of fun & happiness and I’m sure this has affected my relationship. We are both always tired too which doesn’t exactly help. We do try & sit and talk or watch something together some nights but my DD has a habit of coming down & saying she can’t sleep so that kind of disrupts the conversation while we take her back off to bed!

I know it won’t be forever. I was pleased when schools closed as I was worried about them bringing the virus home to me being vulnerable. But I actually think now this is more damaging to us all & I am just holding out for a March 8th return & for me to perhaps start to go back to the office.

Outdoor exercise every day is needed if it can be fitted in - half an hour minimum to get the endorphins going. You leave the house tired and grumpy, get back refreshed with plans for the rest of the day.

@Littlemiss74,I'm sure your husband is helpful but you are dealing down the problems now.Book a couple of sessions with an outsider,you are worth the investment. The kids and the elderly parents and the job aren't going away any time soon.

💐 OP. For your DS you are best confiscating games consoles or phones, stuff that really matters to them. Have a 13yo too, know what it's like.

I have also had days feeling this is bloody relentless. You would have to be superhuman to not be affected by this way of living. It's claustrophobic.

Hi. I'd take the weekend sweets AND the phone and Xbox until that room was cleaned. If you want to make a stand, make it well.

I say this knowing full well I can't do it myself and would love to be able to. My situation is very different to yours.

Limit game time
We do this by going on our broadband shield and customising the settings to no online gaming between certain hours.
If room Isn't tidy or in a reasonable state. Controller removed for the day.

OP I have no advice, because I am beyond that point myself. We have set up rotas, incentives, threatened switching off wifi, taken away tech. In the end NOTHING works! They simply do not care anymore, having lost so much already my teens not unreasonably say take it all away fine, and who can blame them.

I don't know if there are solutions that work for so much time, they all need to get back to a LIFE. School, friends, college and life. They have had enough. We have had enough.

It is all too much, it is nothing you are doing wrong op.

I am know looking after myself, taking time out every day at least two hours, and I am not so scratchy. If the house is a bit of a tip well so be it. I am trying to care less about everything, and I have taken a few days off, and dh has done the same when we are really feeling it. That helped.

I'm sorry, OP. Lots of people struggling right now.

My first bit of advice is to have an early night - I do exactly the same as in stay up late for time to myself, but then I'm shite the next day. Go to bed as early as possible, and if you get up early, have your solitude then. I promise you'll feel a mile better after a good night's sleep.