I can’t go on like this, it’s ruining my family - can anyone offer advice please?

[Littlemiss74]

I am really struggling with this now. Wfh for almost a year, stuck in little office room all day upstairs. No distinction between work & home - just groundhog day every day. DH furloughed so able to be around to help with homeschooling which I am grateful for. The weekdays aren’t too bad I suppose as I’m so busy with work.

But the weekends are becoming horrendous! House is a constant tip as we are all always there. DS 13 is rude & moody & doesn’t lift a finger to help. DD 9 has changed from a sweet girl into a diva. She answers back constantly, bosses me around & argues constantly with DS. She is really hard work. Nothing I do is quite right.

We have a puppy who is very good & frankly
my saviour but they moan everytime i ask them to play with her for ten minutes, you know while I’m trying to tidy up their mess for the thousandth time!

DS slobs around in his dressing gown all day & has lost any form of table manners. All he wants to eat is junk & keeps asking for deliveroos. His language is also not that nice when talking to his mates on xbox/phone & has been saying soms things to my DD.

Last weekend i spent 4 hours cleaning the stinking pit of a playroom that he spends his life in playing xbox. All he did was moan at me for how long I was taking. DH & i agreed that from now on he would only get his weekend sweets once he’d tidied, dusted & hoovered the room at each weekend.
Today I asked him to do it & he kicked off. I said ok no weekend sweets until it’s done. It turns out DH bought him his sweets yesterday! DH said sorry I forgot what we agreed! I know it’s minor in the scheme of life but now I feel like my DS has even less respect for me & i’ve been undermined.
DH is softer than me & they know this & so I am the horrible parent. All I want is some level of standards and respect. I know it’s hard for everyone but they way they started behaving has shocked & upset me. They don’t seem to have any respect for us as their parents. I wasn’t perfect but I would never have dared speak to my parents likes this!

My marriage is shit, hanging by a thread I would say & I feel as though my kids, well my DS at least, despise me. Despite the fact that I work my arse off all week working to give them a nice life & a puppy that they so much wanted but is too much trouble to get in the garden & play with!

After yet another big bust up earlier I got in my car and drove. I’m sat in car in a car park crying & honestly just don’t want to go back. I really feel like mentally I can’t take much more. There is no escape, nowhere to go & no-one to see. I’ve been shielding so am very cautious about sticking to the rules.

I know things are so much worse for so many people but I’m really struggling & just don’t know what to do to make it better. I can’t think straight & I feel panicky. I am staying up far to late at night as it’s the only time I get in peace to myself.

I’m sure lots of us are feeling similar - has anyone got any ideas that might save my sanity? Thank you🙁

@BabyLEphant

I think everyone's resilience is running low now. I really relate to everything you say especially the staying up late as it's the only time I get to myself. Life is bizarre and rubbish at the moment. But things are looking up. Vaccine rates are high and promising. I'm sure everything will be so much better by Spring and our kids will bounce back. Just keep getting through each day the best you can and don't be too hard on yourself.

I second this. Vaccine rates are high, schools will re-open and days will get lighter.

Take it day by day, lower your current expectations as far as you possibly can and it’ll look better once we can sleep fully, exercise, socialise and have decent time to ourselves again.

[quote Littlemiss74]@caringcarer thank you, I can assure you I am not nuts. I know my DS very well & he does have a very strong liking for anything sweet. Apparently it can be linked to adhd, something I was trying to look into with the school before this lockdown - I only got so far so now we are trying to deal with his at times challenging behaviour as best we can. Unfortunately things that work well for many children don’t always work for everyone but we will keep trying. He can be very challenging but ia have suspected for a long time now that there may be more to it.[/quote]
Only just seen this. That’s extra tough. I’m sorry 🙁.

Practical suggestions

A morning and evening commute for you / aka get dressed and go for a walk. I don’t need this, but I know others who do and it’s helping them.

A written weekly chore chart for the family.

Everyone needs some new hobbies. We actually sat down and consciously brainstormed last March when we saw the writing on the wall. What works for each person and family is very much personality dependent so these are not exhaustive, arts and crafts, legos, puzzles, everyone in the family learns a language together, cooperative board games, strategy board games. I’ve personally been a bit obsessed with lego sets this past year. Dd has a friend who learned to bake and invent her own recipes. Dd continues her drawing. Every person has to find their thing, but their is something for everyone. Boredom doesn’t have to be an option.

@speakingsoftly, I suppose it might be friends on Zoom, a telephone appointment with a counsellor, a walk with a friend round the block,a doctor possibly?
I wasn't saying it was easy, very far from it.

you have my full sympathy here it's hell! We are both working full time and quite frankly it's gone to shit here and I seem to have developed panic attacks.
But your DH is on furlough, so why can't he do schooling and housework? I'm assuming he is being typical man and can't multitask or see dirt? I have one of those also.

If you are strong and resilient and have a support network, you can create and stick to boundaries.

BS

I have no support network as a single parent

I create and set boundaries without any issues

Just go for few days in hotel. Let them live as they like for a week say you not coming back until they apologies and promise to change.

[quote randomer]@speakingsoftly, I suppose it might be friends on Zoom, a telephone appointment with a counsellor, a walk with a friend round the block,a doctor possibly?
I wasn't saying it was easy, very far from it.[/quote]
I have friends but none of the other things
And I set Boundaries just fine

@Embra

Just go for few days in hotel. Let them live as they like for a week say you not coming back until they apologies and promise to change.

At current time, I can’t imagine anything more depressing

Just to re-confirm; DH is flexi furloughed so is still expected to do some work. As I said previously he does do things to help, including pretty much all the cooking & he is good at domestic tasks, better than me.

He does all the cooking
He does all the kitchen cleaning
He does all the home schooling
He is still doing some employed work

I mean - things might not be perfect but I wouldn’t describe his as a lazy ass!

@Hagotcha80 i have never said that he is a lazy ass & wouldn’t.

You haven’t Op
But so many posters making out he’s contributing bugger all

When I don’t regard ALL cooking, kitchen cleaning and home schooling as bugger all. Quite the opposite

Ah sorry @Hagotcha80 I misunderstood you. Things would certainly be much worse if he was working full time. It’s just a combination of factors that are making it a difficult time.
I’m really happy for those who have no trouble setting boundaries & manage everything fine. However, we are not all the same & people cope with things differently. This is not normal life & I’m sure we’re all doing our best.

Just to add, I have been working today but plan to sit down tonight & write down all of the helpful suggestions I have had & then discuss with DH.

I have no idea why you appear to want to squabble with me @Hagotcha80.

I was trying to make the point that if a person is resilient, has support and is upbeat, he/she may find it easier to set and maintain boundaries.
If they are tired and stressed and constantly being nibbled away, their resolve may fade.

@randomer

I have no idea why you appear to want to squabble with me *@Hagotcha80*.

I was trying to make the point that if a person is resilient, has support and is upbeat, he/she may find it easier to set and maintain boundaries.
If they are tired and stressed and constantly being nibbled away, their resolve may fade.

Takes two to tango!

I spent three hours last night trying to solve some maths problems for my oldest. I failed.

Minor point, but... A tip for anyone struggling with homeschooling maths. Post the problem in Chat on MN, and you'll very quickly have lots of posters explaining what's going on and how to tackle it, and generally talk you through it.

How are you doing op?

Lots of aspects of your post ring true including a poor relationship with husband. zero family help here. 3dcs and perimenopausal! My youngest dc is 3 (not at pre-school due to covid) and I have a teen. The two youngest are rooting through all my stuff as soon as my back is turned. Home schooling is a nightmare (middle dc has challenging behaviour) and teen has issues too and ended up hitting me a few days ago. Covid accentuates lack of 'me' time. I can't cope with dc very long before needing a break. I often visualise myself living alone in a cottage (with dc visiting of course). Nearing the menopause, I feel myself changing and wanting to be selfish...no chance - many years ahead of parenting. Maybe I'll feel better when youngest starts school, I certainly hope so. I'm so wrapped up in mum guilt. The house is a constant tip and I am sick of tidying it - husband does help with this but everything gets dragged around the house especially by middle dc, smeary hand prints everywhere I could go on and given up trying tbh. I really wish I had someone in real life to have a good moan to but most people I know have grown up children/older children and children who seem to have some respect for their parents in the case of the older children. Somewhere along the line, I seem to have lost that. Most of the time (especially when feeling particularly hormonal) I just want to hide.