I can’t go on like this, it’s ruining my family - can anyone offer advice please?

[Littlemiss74]

I am really struggling with this now. Wfh for almost a year, stuck in little office room all day upstairs. No distinction between work & home - just groundhog day every day. DH furloughed so able to be around to help with homeschooling which I am grateful for. The weekdays aren’t too bad I suppose as I’m so busy with work.

But the weekends are becoming horrendous! House is a constant tip as we are all always there. DS 13 is rude & moody & doesn’t lift a finger to help. DD 9 has changed from a sweet girl into a diva. She answers back constantly, bosses me around & argues constantly with DS. She is really hard work. Nothing I do is quite right.

We have a puppy who is very good & frankly
my saviour but they moan everytime i ask them to play with her for ten minutes, you know while I’m trying to tidy up their mess for the thousandth time!

DS slobs around in his dressing gown all day & has lost any form of table manners. All he wants to eat is junk & keeps asking for deliveroos. His language is also not that nice when talking to his mates on xbox/phone & has been saying soms things to my DD.

Last weekend i spent 4 hours cleaning the stinking pit of a playroom that he spends his life in playing xbox. All he did was moan at me for how long I was taking. DH & i agreed that from now on he would only get his weekend sweets once he’d tidied, dusted & hoovered the room at each weekend.
Today I asked him to do it & he kicked off. I said ok no weekend sweets until it’s done. It turns out DH bought him his sweets yesterday! DH said sorry I forgot what we agreed! I know it’s minor in the scheme of life but now I feel like my DS has even less respect for me & i’ve been undermined.
DH is softer than me & they know this & so I am the horrible parent. All I want is some level of standards and respect. I know it’s hard for everyone but they way they started behaving has shocked & upset me. They don’t seem to have any respect for us as their parents. I wasn’t perfect but I would never have dared speak to my parents likes this!

My marriage is shit, hanging by a thread I would say & I feel as though my kids, well my DS at least, despise me. Despite the fact that I work my arse off all week working to give them a nice life & a puppy that they so much wanted but is too much trouble to get in the garden & play with!

After yet another big bust up earlier I got in my car and drove. I’m sat in car in a car park crying & honestly just don’t want to go back. I really feel like mentally I can’t take much more. There is no escape, nowhere to go & no-one to see. I’ve been shielding so am very cautious about sticking to the rules.

I know things are so much worse for so many people but I’m really struggling & just don’t know what to do to make it better. I can’t think straight & I feel panicky. I am staying up far to late at night as it’s the only time I get in peace to myself.

I’m sure lots of us are feeling similar - has anyone got any ideas that might save my sanity? Thank you🙁

I think have limits on behaviour and screen time will help them. I’ve got into allowing non stop screen time and am now pulling it back. I’ve noticed a mark improvement in behaviour already. If I notice any rudeness then they are automatically pulled up on things. Children feel safer with firm but kind parenting

I've just seen this on another thread with another woman who's family is taking the piss:

Every few weeks there's a post that makes the admin team spend a day debating if we should say something or not. These posts are always on the same theme; husbands who are not pulling their weight.

Well, after just reading a post from this week were a whopping 4 HUNDRED of you commented in solidarity with the OP I've decided today is the day we say something.

Household chore inequity and child care inequality is a form of domestic abuse. It forces women to work themselves into exhaustion and illness, whilst men buy their free time with female exhaustion.

No one wants to see themselves as being in an abusive relationship. It means acknowledging that someone you love, someone you married or committed to, someone you chose to have children with is taking advantage of you and that hurts on so many levels.

it's heartbreaking to acknowledge, but acknowledge it we must.

If your husband or partner is capable of working at their job without being micromanaged and given extremely explicit instructions, then they are capable of contributing fairly at home without being given extremely explicit instructions and micromanaged. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they were capable of living independently without living in a rat-infested pigsty without any clean clothes and living off pizza, then they are capable of ensuring children are fed and clothed, groceries are done, and household chores are shared equally. If they act like they are incapable they are gaslighting you.

If they claim they love you and yet your health comes secondary to their leisure, they're gaslighting you.

If they claim they can't possibly function and it would be unsafe for them to work with broken sleep, but it's totally fine for you to have to work, drive and do all the household chores and childcare on broken sleep, they're taking advantage of you.

If they say they are going to get up in the night and help but when the time comes the pretend to be asleep/complain, they're gaslighting you.

If they don't even actually try to settle the baby and had bub back almost immediately with "they just want you:", they're gaslighting you.

If your health, sanity, sleep, work, or self-esteem are suffering because you are the one doing everything, whilst they leverage your exhaustion into their free time, they're abusing you.
Like other forms of abuse, it will not get better on its own. It's not an accident.

So please ladies. Please stop laughing it off as "just men"

It's not just men. It's purposeful.

It might not be consciously purposeful, but it is still purposeful. They know they can get away with it.

one of you being on antidepressants because your husband won't help raise the children he fathered is one too many. 400+ of you being exhausted to the brink of PND and breakdowns is heartbreaking for us to watch.

You can't fix this by night weaning. Or sleep training. Or bedsharing, or chore charts, or even kicking hubby into the spare room. There are only two things that will fix this - therapy, or leaving.

I'm not really a fan of family arguments, but there are rare occasions when normally doormat put-upon mum absolutely losing it and blowing their top at everyone might turn out to be necessary.

Eewww it’s tough right now 🥺

Some things I’ve found have helped with my teenage boys...

Get them on Strava and challenge them to a 5km/10km best time. Mine were playing football a lot pre lockdown and one match is about 8km of running so they have to do at least one match a week! It’s hard at first to get them out, but once they are into beating their times, they are on it!

Sitting at the table every night for dinner. No phones or tv. Talk! Check in with one another, I also seem to have nearly started saying Grace! I seem to recite some gratitude or other as we sit down...no idea cos I’m not religious but it seems to mark it out as an ‘occasion’

At least once a week, at dinner, have a ‘topic’ for conversation. Even as a write this, I realise how trite it seems, but we’ll discuss topics that we are all interested in then we all go off and research it a bit, and the challenge is to bring your view on it and be able to debate it. It’s all very parlour room of days gone by, but I think there was a reason why people used to do that pre technology...conversations sometimes need a bit of structure. We’ve covered many controversial topics and it’s got lively...BLM, trans, trump, climate change, veganism. I do need wine for these conversations!

Another variation on the above is movie night. Not sit down and watch together necessarily, but watch a movie in your own time and then we all get together to discuss it, a bit like book clubs do.

I would have put money on my ds’s hating this trite a year ago...but they absolutely love it

We are a loud opinionated house though....and it possibly plays to our natural inclinations. The thing we are doing though is creating some occasions amongst the groundhog days

Firstly, you need dh on your side. Ask him if he can not see where this is heading and how living like this is enjoyable or helpful to you all as a family?
Does he hear how your ds speaks to people? That he’s in a dressing gown all day is ok?
This will only escalate unless you start reigning things in.

Tell him what you need, how you want things and then you present a united front with the kids and tell them what’s expected of them.

Have a family meeting. Draw up timetables, list of chores and what consequences they can expect.

To be frank op, nothing will change until you and dh pull your socks up and stop letting the kids walk all over you.

Don't beg for 'help' to clean their mess, don't meekly walk away if your 13 year old screams at you to get out, don't patiently explain that they can't talk to you like shit!

You're the parent. Parent them.

Make a list of chores for each of them, laminate the fucking thing and sellotape it to a wall in their room. WiFi password will be provided when done, every single day. It's not a negotiation, it's an instruction because you're the grown up here.

Tell your 13 year old in no uncertain terms that the next time he speaks to you like shit, his xbox will be gone for a week. Stick to it.

Anytime you hear shouting at the xbox or unacceptable language (I have 13 and 10 year old boys, trust me, I get it!) give them one warning and then if it happens again, the xbox is gone for the rest of the day.

I do feel for you, I am wfh and my OH furloughed with kids of similar ages (well 14 and 12) but I make mine tidy and clean up, I’m not a skivvy. I’d have unplugged the Xbox and/or turned off the internet till they’d done their chores.

I don't think it's anything to do with covid or lockdown. Sounds like normal teenager and preteen behaviour.

I disagree - I think lockdown intensifies irritating behaviours while removing your management and respite options. Almost everyone I know is experiencing this to some degree.

And in terms of mental health impact...children thrive when they have boundaries.

Making your teenager do x chores each day before having electronics will NOT damage his mental health in any way at all.

Their mental health will improve once they’re
Getting showered and dressed,
Spending less time gaming,
Being active,
Being productive,
Being mentally stimulated,
Being better connected with family and friends

Try to find ways you can achieve some of those things in ways that are agreeable with your family and you.

I sympathise. The last weekends one or other of the dc has kicked off and we have had massive rows. Ds 13 is melting down like never before - lockdown is hard on him.

Fuck, it's hard on everyone!

I also suggest family meetings, where you can remind them of House rules and give everyone a chance to air any grievances - in a polite and constructive way.

I also recommend getting each ten dc to cook one evening and to have chores they do every day, eg dishwasher. I'd be banning any PS, sweets etc until his attitude has improved.

And your dh needs to man up and back you up too. It's not fair for him to be fun dad and you to be the adult all the time.

You poor thing. It sounds like you are carrying the whole house single handed.

[quote Littlemiss74]@DinosaurDiana just to confirm the dog was not bought for the kids. I’ve grown up with dogs & know what wonderful company they are. We’ve thinking for a long time about getting one. It’s been a difficult couple of years as my Dad has been unwell - my pup has been the best thing to happen in a crap year & is very well loved.

I know life is crap for the kids right now & I’ve said we all need to be nice to each other at this time, but I don’t think that gives my DS to scream ‘get out’ at me when I go into a room or generally treat me like shit.[/quote]
Ok, it’s just you said something about working your arse off to get a puppy they wanted so much. It sounded like you’d got it for them.
I’m not in any way having a go, if you saw my 24 year olds bedroom and heard the way she speaks to her father sometimes, you’d know that I have no right to criticise.

Ds cleans room once a week or you turn off the wifi.
It will only need to happen once before he catches on.

Agree with other posters. Your husband is the problem here. In fact at this point he is such a dead-weight that life for you would be easier if he wasn't there. Even with your fulltime job and you managing the kids, it would be easier if you chucked your husband out. Because without him, you could actually put your foot down with the children and have fewer things to clean up.

It's about time your husband realizes that he is making himself expendable and that unless he starts pulling his weight, the entire family would be better off without him.

@DinosaurDiana

I know your life is shit right now, but so is your kid’s. And never ever buy a dog for the kids. Buy it for yourself, or don't buy it at all. 💐

Are you always so helpful

You don’t really elaborate on the fact that your marriage is hanging by a thread but this has to be a huge factor in all of this. Can you sit down with DH over a quiet glass of wine (kids banished to bed) and establish a truce whereby you maintain a united front with the DC and have boundaries that are maintained?

Pick your battles. The playroom could get 10 minutes a day while the WiFi is off or similar. Swearing at the younger ones is a definite no for me. Being a bit surly and cheeky I’d probably ignore but downright rudeness is not tolerated.

Maybe have a house meeting and ask the DC for ideas on making things happier all round?

When DS2 was a teen he was an absolute nightmare. I learned though that he’d never back down in an argument so I would state my case and leave it there. He would often come round later.

And please, please factor in some time for yourself when you have the place to yourself, a soak in the bath or a walk with the dog. It’s essential for us all.

@RandomMess

If DH isn't working why isn't he doing 90% of the household chores and keeping proper check on the DC??

DS13 - currency to him is internet time. Learn how to turn off and on his access to your home internet. Ensure he got use his phone data instead.

I've never seen anyone on here suggest that a SAHM should do 90% of the chores even when they haven't got home schooling to deal with. Yes he should be doing his share but I don't think in a house of 4 people, none of them babies, that one person should be doing 90%.

OP I'd stop the takeaway food unless people are being polite and respectful.

Either the play with/walk the dog or they do the chores you were going to do while they were out, it gives them some choice but still helps you.

You lay it on the line to them, if they slip after a day or a week another meeting hapens.

I've survived 4 teenagers and have teenage GS living with me, it is amazing how much they can improve with time and in my experience 13/14 is the worst stage. Good luck.

I really feel like mentally I can’t take much more. There is no escape, nowhere to go & no-one to see.

You need to not take any more. You need to find an escape, get out and see people. When do you get a chance to be alone or exercise or be creative or chat to a friend? I

Today I asked him to do it & he kicked off. I said ok no weekend sweets until it’s done. It turns out DH bought him his sweets yesterday! DH said sorry I forgot what we agreed

In that case, the X Box goes.

Bangable - perhaps you prefer me to tell her to give her head a wobble, get her ducks in a row and LTB.
The usual MN fodder 🙄

really sorry things are so tough right now OP. You are not alone.Cold comfort I know! I do think though you are going to have to get a bit tough here in your house. The kids are not in charge here You are. Remove devices remove favourite things til they learn to show you respect and do it now,sadly if you dont you will have a right job on your hands when the teenage years properly kick in.Its not nice but it has to be done,Letting them get away with little respect for you is doing them no favours either.Its hard but necessary sometimes. I hope things work out better for you and your family soon.

I have said it before

But I weep with relief that I’m a single parent

It's about time your husband realizes that he is making himself expendable and that unless he starts pulling his weight, the entire family would be better off without him

I think that’s a brilliant point.