I can’t go on like this, it’s ruining my family - can anyone offer advice please?

[Littlemiss74]

I am really struggling with this now. Wfh for almost a year, stuck in little office room all day upstairs. No distinction between work & home - just groundhog day every day. DH furloughed so able to be around to help with homeschooling which I am grateful for. The weekdays aren’t too bad I suppose as I’m so busy with work.

But the weekends are becoming horrendous! House is a constant tip as we are all always there. DS 13 is rude & moody & doesn’t lift a finger to help. DD 9 has changed from a sweet girl into a diva. She answers back constantly, bosses me around & argues constantly with DS. She is really hard work. Nothing I do is quite right.

We have a puppy who is very good & frankly
my saviour but they moan everytime i ask them to play with her for ten minutes, you know while I’m trying to tidy up their mess for the thousandth time!

DS slobs around in his dressing gown all day & has lost any form of table manners. All he wants to eat is junk & keeps asking for deliveroos. His language is also not that nice when talking to his mates on xbox/phone & has been saying soms things to my DD.

Last weekend i spent 4 hours cleaning the stinking pit of a playroom that he spends his life in playing xbox. All he did was moan at me for how long I was taking. DH & i agreed that from now on he would only get his weekend sweets once he’d tidied, dusted & hoovered the room at each weekend.
Today I asked him to do it & he kicked off. I said ok no weekend sweets until it’s done. It turns out DH bought him his sweets yesterday! DH said sorry I forgot what we agreed! I know it’s minor in the scheme of life but now I feel like my DS has even less respect for me & i’ve been undermined.
DH is softer than me & they know this & so I am the horrible parent. All I want is some level of standards and respect. I know it’s hard for everyone but they way they started behaving has shocked & upset me. They don’t seem to have any respect for us as their parents. I wasn’t perfect but I would never have dared speak to my parents likes this!

My marriage is shit, hanging by a thread I would say & I feel as though my kids, well my DS at least, despise me. Despite the fact that I work my arse off all week working to give them a nice life & a puppy that they so much wanted but is too much trouble to get in the garden & play with!

After yet another big bust up earlier I got in my car and drove. I’m sat in car in a car park crying & honestly just don’t want to go back. I really feel like mentally I can’t take much more. There is no escape, nowhere to go & no-one to see. I’ve been shielding so am very cautious about sticking to the rules.

I know things are so much worse for so many people but I’m really struggling & just don’t know what to do to make it better. I can’t think straight & I feel panicky. I am staying up far to late at night as it’s the only time I get in peace to myself.

I’m sure lots of us are feeling similar - has anyone got any ideas that might save my sanity? Thank you🙁

Op I don’t have anything useful to add other than to please be kind to yourself. You sound like a truly lovely person.

@HeechulOppa thank you so much

Hi OP just read your comment and it struck a chord with me, my DD1 was so rude to me from tween to teens, and whenever I tried consequences, chore lists etc they back fired. They would just escalate the situation. Think I took the WiFi router away for swearing at her brother and then she ran away from home. She would never back down in an argument and escalated everything. Found out aged 14 she has ADHD. With meds and understanding she did brilliantly at school and her behaviour would be less extreme. She can't take them all the time and boy do I know when she hasn't! Anyway I've learnt not to sweat the small stuff. Organisation is hard with ADHD - I tried the whole put everything in bin liners before I knew and it didn't help, just caused more arguments. Now I just clean and tidy her room for her once every three weeks and ignore it the rest of the time. She's grateful when I do it as the mess stresses her out but she can't do it by herself. She's maturing loads and I get lots of compliments on what a lovely kid she is. I guess I'm trying to say it's really hard and normal well meaning advice on parenting doesn't always work with kids who are wired differently. I learnt to keep the peace and then we got through the worst of it and now have a good relationship

@Littlemiss74, lockdown has been so hard! I have no advice just sending good thoughts

People keep saying "take screens away," but how are parents supposed to do this when kids need the wretched screens for homeschooling?

No useful advice, just sympathy.

Kids with adhd often have addictive personalities and your DS sounds like he is becoming addicted to gaming. Cut back his gaming and see his behaviour prove.

It is so sad that families are used to spending so much time apart that they don't know how to be together.

I know it's hard for people as things are so different, but I do feel that kids don't realise how lucky the are to be able to have some form of contact with friends.

It seems to me that "entertainment wise" kids have so much choice-maybe too much!

If I wasn't seeing friends & had finished schoolwork I guess it was listen to music/read a book/sewing or knotting as a teen!

Maybe a board/card game if someone else wanted to.

It is so sad that families are used to spending so much time apart that they don't know how to be together

Most families have been together 247 for a whole year without as much as a ten minute break diddl I think you rather miss the point. We are ALWAYS together, so being apart has not been an issue for any family anywhere in the whole country for the entire year so far and counting....

I think we know our kids can knit, sew and play cards they have been doing that for the past eleven months (and counting!)

I am not sure that the comment used to spend so much time apart that they do not know how to be together is that helpful.

If you are stuck in a small flat, desperately trying to homeschool children and parents are trying to work and worrying about paying the bills. Teachers are posting work in different places, children may miss something and (If they are like mine) start crying when there are tech issues.

When a family, where all the members are under a huge amount of stress, are living on a small area things are not easy.

Yes I was thinking more of teens being off in the rooms all day as par for the course & then not even wanting to engage in meal times for example.

And that a lot of "kids" don't seem to know how to occupy themselves unless it's online.

Sorry to have offended.

@user1477391263

People keep saying "take screens away," but how are parents supposed to do this when kids need the wretched screens for homeschooling?

No useful advice, just sympathy.

It’s straightforward really No screens before school No screens at break time No screen times when finish up school

Set restrictions so no wifi from x time onwards

@littlemiss74 everybody else has given you good advice, but I just wanted to send you a virtual hug. You are not alone. I am struggling too, but I only have one teen at home and he is not too bad. needs to be asked to help but will help. You hang in there. Agree with other posters that you sound like a lovely mom at the end of her tether.

* Most families have been together 247 for a whole year without as much as a ten minute break diddl I think you rather miss the point. *

Huh?
They went back to school.
Lockdown eased over the summer months enormously

No worries Diddl, I see what you mean now.

Sorry if I came across as harsh. I am just struggling so much at the moment, as is my husband. Our three children are trying, but they are feeling disheartened, we keep missing assignments and needing to catch up and I seem to spend all my time making sure the children are in their lessons, cooking, cleaning or helping with assignments. I spent three hours last night trying to solve some maths problems for my oldest. I failed.

I would love to bring out our big jigsaw, play some cards or a board game, but when we are done with everything the day is over. Sometimes I let the children have 30min screens so I can have a cry in the bath on my own. Usually when I haven’t managed a shower until the school/working day has ended.

Huh?They went back to school.Lockdown eased over the summer months enormously

My children did NOT go back to school over the summer. They returned very briefly in the autumn before the last lockdown kicked in. So yes it has been nearly a year give or take a month or so.
I spent all the summer with my kids, trying to give them some kind of life and fun. So yeah, we are together all day every day, no lack of family time here.

diddl Your stereotyping knows no limits. My teens are not locked away in their rooms, they spend all of their time with us. Your insight about children and teens seems at best misguided, and yes deeply offensive.

@speaksofty

Huh?They went back to school.Lockdown eased over the summer months enormously

My children did NOT go back to school over the summer. They returned very briefly in the autumn before the last lockdown kicked in. So yes it has been nearly a year give or take a month or so.
I spent all the summer with my kids, trying to give them some kind of life and fun. So yeah, we are together all day every day, no lack of family time here.

But you say “most families”

@MothExterminator

No worries Diddl, I see what you mean now.

Sorry if I came across as harsh. I am just struggling so much at the moment, as is my husband. Our three children are trying, but they are feeling disheartened, we keep missing assignments and needing to catch up and I seem to spend all my time making sure the children are in their lessons, cooking, cleaning or helping with assignments. I spent three hours last night trying to solve some maths problems for my oldest. I failed.

I would love to bring out our big jigsaw, play some cards or a board game, but when we are done with everything the day is over. Sometimes I let the children have 30min screens so I can have a cry in the bath on my own. Usually when I haven’t managed a shower until the school/working day has ended.

Don’t spend 3 hours on a maths problem. Spend 20 seconds on it, accept your limitations and email the school. I’ve done this a fair bit - “DS (name and form) is stuck on Fridays maths and we have no idea, please can you help him”

I bat everything that my children get stuck on, back to the teachers. He usually gets some extra zoom time to explain it to him. If the teachers couldn’t do that due to lack of time, then so be it. Otherwise I’d be in exactly the same position as you are, hours spent puzzling over something I’m not trained in and have no knowledge of, and ultimately failing.

OP.
I have 3 teens. It has been HARD. Please be kind to yourself.
I owuld also say that in general 13 is the worst age, and my 13 year old has defintely been the hardest in lockdown. Please remember that they do get better, my ds was horrible at times, he is now a charming 18.

The whole screens thing has driven me mad as well.

I really agree with the poster who said - family meeting.

A couple of weeks ago I increased the chores in the house. They all moaned but are doing them. If not done by my deadline, then the wifi goes off, or phone is removed.

I do find that direct confrontation with teens often backfires. Usually I give them the job and tell them they can choose, either between 2 jobs, or choose when they do it, with a deadline.
The other thing that has worked is asking them to find a solution - so I said to mine - you MUST exercise, choose what you are going to do and how you are going to do it. One is going out on dog walks with a friend, one is going out on short bike rides, one is serious about fitness, so goes running etc (but he is 18).
By getting them to set the timetable, they are more likely to do it.

Another thing that works is that all phones are downstairs on charge overnight, so if necessary they don't get their phone back. I do find that if they loose their phone occasionally for behaviour, then it does remind them that you are the adult.

We also do everyone has to be at the dinenr table, for the evening meal. All there, normal chat etc, they clear table and pack dishwasher afterwards. It is a good time for just 'being' together and it is also a moment when I can slip in news and stuff and occasionally - by the way, can you remember to....

But I repeat it is HARD, be kind to yourself. And I suggets that you get in the car and go for a drive regularly, just half an hour with a thermos of coffee in a quiet spot, with no demands, is very important.

@speaksofty

diddl Your stereotyping knows no limits. My teens are not locked away in their rooms, they spend all of their time with us. Your insight about children and teens seems at best misguided, and yes deeply offensive.

I didn't realise that I needed to preface it with "some" or "obvs not speaksofty's kids/family" to convey the gist.

If you are strong and resilient and have a support network, you can create and stick to boundaries.

Kids will weedle and moan and nag because thats what they do.

The problems arise when you are a lone voice and they see a chink in your armour. The weedling and moaning and entitlement ramps up.

It is a very tough lesson to learn but the parent, the adult must be just that, an adult.
Some people may need extra support to be able to do that effectively.
Most people are on their knees right now and need support not boasting about how others manage their family life.

I'm very prepared to admit my life (and house) are currently crap.

Most people are on their knees right now and need support not boasting about how others manage their family life.

who is this directed at?

Thank you @randomer ☺️

I am just wondering what support network most people have available in the middle of a lockdown? randomer Everyone is locked down, the only support network my dc have is me. Thats it. And everyone gets tired eventually, no matter how resilient and strong they are.