I can’t go on like this, it’s ruining my family - can anyone offer advice please?

[Littlemiss74]

I am really struggling with this now. Wfh for almost a year, stuck in little office room all day upstairs. No distinction between work & home - just groundhog day every day. DH furloughed so able to be around to help with homeschooling which I am grateful for. The weekdays aren’t too bad I suppose as I’m so busy with work.

But the weekends are becoming horrendous! House is a constant tip as we are all always there. DS 13 is rude & moody & doesn’t lift a finger to help. DD 9 has changed from a sweet girl into a diva. She answers back constantly, bosses me around & argues constantly with DS. She is really hard work. Nothing I do is quite right.

We have a puppy who is very good & frankly
my saviour but they moan everytime i ask them to play with her for ten minutes, you know while I’m trying to tidy up their mess for the thousandth time!

DS slobs around in his dressing gown all day & has lost any form of table manners. All he wants to eat is junk & keeps asking for deliveroos. His language is also not that nice when talking to his mates on xbox/phone & has been saying soms things to my DD.

Last weekend i spent 4 hours cleaning the stinking pit of a playroom that he spends his life in playing xbox. All he did was moan at me for how long I was taking. DH & i agreed that from now on he would only get his weekend sweets once he’d tidied, dusted & hoovered the room at each weekend.
Today I asked him to do it & he kicked off. I said ok no weekend sweets until it’s done. It turns out DH bought him his sweets yesterday! DH said sorry I forgot what we agreed! I know it’s minor in the scheme of life but now I feel like my DS has even less respect for me & i’ve been undermined.
DH is softer than me & they know this & so I am the horrible parent. All I want is some level of standards and respect. I know it’s hard for everyone but they way they started behaving has shocked & upset me. They don’t seem to have any respect for us as their parents. I wasn’t perfect but I would never have dared speak to my parents likes this!

My marriage is shit, hanging by a thread I would say & I feel as though my kids, well my DS at least, despise me. Despite the fact that I work my arse off all week working to give them a nice life & a puppy that they so much wanted but is too much trouble to get in the garden & play with!

After yet another big bust up earlier I got in my car and drove. I’m sat in car in a car park crying & honestly just don’t want to go back. I really feel like mentally I can’t take much more. There is no escape, nowhere to go & no-one to see. I’ve been shielding so am very cautious about sticking to the rules.

I know things are so much worse for so many people but I’m really struggling & just don’t know what to do to make it better. I can’t think straight & I feel panicky. I am staying up far to late at night as it’s the only time I get in peace to myself.

I’m sure lots of us are feeling similar - has anyone got any ideas that might save my sanity? Thank you🙁

And I would say fresh air has its limits; trudging around in the rain and the mud with two very stressed and grumpy teens that complain every step of the way has not made me (or them) return and feel refreshed at any point during this lockdown!!! Quite the opposite

I need a health farm for two/three solid weeks and a dark room, that might do it.

This is the second thread I've replied to in as many days on the same theme and I have realised how low my standards are! I wouldn't be stressing yourself out cleaning one room for a teenager for four hours for starters. What is the point? They are teens, they won't even notice and it will get filthy again. Keep it hygienic, but beyond that is it really necessary?

Use the fact that they like Deliveroo to motivate them if you can afford it - I sometimes write a big list and allocate jobs and we all have a massive clean up and then take-away at the end. If they occasionally do a job better than I hoped during the week then I give a bonus payment! I must admit though, the house is a bit of a pit, but I would rather low tension in the middle of a pandemic than an immaculate house. Puppies are very hard work and won't be helping the situation.

Sorry OP, I hadn't read the full thread and your other posts - it is all sh*t at the moment and having elderly parents and the stress of everything is really tough. Counselling sounds a great idea. I hope you feel better soon.

I have no practical advice to offer but I find that Groundhog Day feeling WFH suffocating! It wasn't as bad last year as we’d get out for a walk at the end of each day. Obviously now it’s dark and not pleasant. Would a quick walk on your own help clear your head? Or even a short drive just listening to the radio! I found that’s what I was missing as well, that drive home alone to forget about everything.
I hope it gets better for you.

@Coffeecreativity no it is not something I have ever done before, spent 4 hours cleaning a room. It hadn’t been done for months as I was trying to do what another poster suggested & shut the door on it & forget about it. However, my DD also now wants to use the room to do some arts & crafts & she was upset as the room frankly smelt disgusting! So I told them both we were going to tidy & clean it together. Of course we managed about 2 mins before they stated arguing & DS attempts were so pathetic I sent them out on dog walk & did it myself. I didn’t plan for it to take 4 hours but I decluttered it too as half the stuff is never touched and was gathering dust. I pulled everything out, scrubbed, cleaned & hoovered. I found several toenails & old teeth amongst other thing so, yes, I do believe it was necessary! The plan now is a quick tidy, dust & hoover once a week, done by them so that my DD can also enjoy the room without being fumigated😬

I find that asking teenagers to do specific tasks (and DH for that matter!) works much better than "tidy your room".

• Bring your cup and plate down
• Empty your bin
• Bring your laundry bag down
• Hoover your room
• Feed the dog
• Help put away the shopping

I just do 2/3 hours cleaning blitz on a Saturday and see what I can get done in that time. Robot vacuum goes over the floors downstairs every day so it always looks faurly clean. I've got so used to doing it that I doubt I'd bother with a cleaner again. I put some music on and treat it as exercise. I've been doing yoga every day since 1st January and it is keeping me strong, calm and sane!

Poor you, it sounds like you are having a tough time at the moment.
We went through a phase like that recently and what has helped us is a rota of jobs.

Have a family meeting so everyone can say how they are feeling and together try to organise a rota for all to follow. Get dc to strip their own beds on a set morning and then remake them later that day, bring all dirty crockery etc from their rooms and playroom back into the kitchen, and help cook evening meal once a week with dh.

On the evening they are cooking could you take the other one out for a walk with the dog so you get both get 1:1 time with each dc? That has helped mine as they get time to chat without being interrupted by their sibling.

Then on a Saturday afternoon have a mad 2 hour clean up with them followed by takeaway.

Hope some of that may help you as it is tough parenting teenagers at the best of times let alone during lockdown!

This lockdown is just terrible

It’s so wrong that kids can’t live their lives

Hugs OP

Weekend sweets and Xbox

Sounds like you've got three children tbh

A few of the things that have helped us include:

Getting them out for exercise as often as you can but at least 3 times a week. Both mine do Zoom classes for their prelockdown clubs but they also get out for at least half an hour a few times a week.

If it’s safe for you, get the older ones to get out with a friend for a while for a socially distant walk or run. My DD15 goes for a 5k run with her friend once a week and comes home much more happy, relaxed and pleasant.

Agree with the house meeting. You and your DH could sit and plan an agenda and agree to act as a United front in future. Agree chores.

Do one thing together as a family - even just watching a TV show together once a week.

Recommend getting some space for yourself for a few days if you can.

Turn all the screens off for a couple of weeks (except for work/school). Clean and organise your house. Walk your own dog and play with your children.

Sorry you’re having a miserable time. What stands out for me is you’ve probably allowed your DC to slip in standards and manners because you felt sympathy and I get that. But as hard as it is, you and your DH have got to lead them and set the bar.
I agree on a family meeting and some rules. Good luck.

@evouk sorry I’m not sure what you mean...

Thank you @Benjispruce2 yes you are right & I’ve probably been less attentive because I am spending much more time working. When I went to office I would finish & leave to pick them up but now I & they are here all the time & it is too easy to just do a bit more work - we have alot on at work so Im doing extra to keep on top of that. As I said DH does spend time with DD in the afternoons which they are both enjoying.

Your DH is furloughed. He needs to seriously step up here. He should be putting time and mental energy into sorting out these behaviour problems, not you. Where is he ?!??!

You’re sitting in a car in a car park to get some space from your family who clearly don’t appreciate the massive burden you are carrying. Has your H shown any recognition of that? Is he asking you where you are, if you’re ok? He sounds like a passenger in this situation. He needs to be the one who deals with it - he has the time. Meanwhile you need to leave the house for an hour every day to take a breath, get some space. Maybe they’ll remember how much they value you.

@Hagotcha80

*"But how have you jumped to him being expendable
We have no idea about finances. Dh is furloughed but op makes no ref to working and if she does we don’t know ration of earnings

Added to which DH to be fair is helping with school work every day & does pretty much all the cooking & keeps kitchen tidy.

Doing all the cooking in lockdown and keeping kitchen clean, esp with teens, is a big bloody deal!" *

There is more to keep a house running than just the bloody kitchen. And his cooking, cleaning the kitchen and helping the kids with homework, get's nullified by the mental load, other chores and parental requirements he is dumping on her plate.

The net result is that he is creating more work for her, rather than lifting the burden. So yes, he is expendable

Lockdown is shit and I feel your pain...
A few things that have helped me (DH is away on a 4 month contract so have been alone with the DC since end of last year)

Oldest DS (nearly 12 going on 15 in his head) has a routine and this helps massively. Monday to Friday...
7.45am Get Up, eat, wash/shower, teeth, clothes on, makes bed, brings any washing or rubbish down
8.30am Logs on to laptop ready for Teams lessons starting at 8.45am (he prepares drink and snack and takes this into his room also)
11:45am is lunch break (he either has a picnic type lunch or I make him a toastie, pasta or whatever if I'm not on a meeting call - he eats this, washes his plate/cup, toilet and then ready to log on for 12.45pm)
2.30pm Lessons finish and he emails any last work to teachers

Following this he goes for a 30 min walk/jog a few times a week, calls his Dad, unwinds with an hour of Netflix/Sky Sports and usually an hour gaming.

We have tea approx 5pm and we do dishes (I wash/he dries etc) he plays with youngest DS while I have a shower then he is free to do whatever usually gaming with friends or watching a football match.

He knows the above help is the minimum and does it without question.

Weekends he cleans room (Hoover, dust, generally make sure it's not a shit tip - brings bedding down to wash - puts bedding back on etc), does an hour excercsie each day, helps clean downstairs and we make sure we get out together for a walk one day at least. He knows apart from this I'm pretty flexible with what he does so just does it.

He also knows from experience if he shouts or swears when gaming or argues with friends over games the console goes off.

Op if you think your D's cares about weekend sweets you are nuts. He cares about his time online. In our home gaming and internet use is not a right. It is a privilege that has to be earned. Keeping bedroom tidy, helping to unpack shopping when it arrives and putting it all away and recycling, walking the dog all earn child internet time. He earns his internet time by doing his chores. I think you would find if you adopted this regime you would get chores done and less poor behaviour. I also get child out running around lake and exercising as it lifts his mood. I make sure o get a bath with bubbles and wine at least 3 times a week with absolutely no interruptions. DH and 1 adult son must cook once a week each. DS picks up bits at shop midweek like extra milk and does his own.laudryminvluding bedding. DH loads and unloads dishwasher and puts on some laundry. We have cleaner twice a week but I tidy and do household admin stuff.

[quote Littlemiss74]@Coffeecreativity no it is not something I have ever done before, spent 4 hours cleaning a room. It hadn’t been done for months as I was trying to do what another poster suggested & shut the door on it & forget about it. However, my DD also now wants to use the room to do some arts & crafts & she was upset as the room frankly smelt disgusting! So I told them both we were going to tidy & clean it together. Of course we managed about 2 mins before they stated arguing & DS attempts were so pathetic I sent them out on dog walk & did it myself. I didn’t plan for it to take 4 hours but I decluttered it too as half the stuff is never touched and was gathering dust. I pulled everything out, scrubbed, cleaned & hoovered. I found several toenails & old teeth amongst other thing so, yes, I do believe it was necessary! The plan now is a quick tidy, dust & hoover once a week, done by them so that my DD can also enjoy the room without being fumigated😬[/quote]
😁 they really grim creatures aren't they!

@caringcarer thank you, I can assure you I am not nuts. I know my DS very well & he does have a very strong liking for anything sweet. Apparently it can be linked to adhd, something I was trying to look into with the school before this lockdown - I only got so far so now we are trying to deal with his at times challenging behaviour as best we can. Unfortunately things that work well for many children don’t always work for everyone but we will keep trying. He can be very challenging but ia have suspected for a long time now that there may be more to it.

@Coffeecreativity yes indeed they are😄

A little late to this and I haven't read the whole thread yet but had to dive in as you could be describing my life too! I've been WFH since 17 March 2020 have a 11 year old DS 16 year old DD and a newish puppy. DH works outside the home most days. We are all just trying our best to survive this. I know I'm privileged - have a house with space and garden and a job still. But it's bloody hard. We are getting on each other's nerves. I am with you. I know how you feel. You are doing the best you can in unprecedented times x

@BabyLEphant thank you so much for understanding, I really appreciate it. I know I’m lucky in so many ways but I guess everyone’s mental strength is different & mine’s never beem very strong!

@CcWanker

I pulled all of my kids out of bed at 11pm last night. Marched them to the kitchen and asked them all to explain what the fuck they thought they were playing at leaving the mess they had left for me to clean up. Handed one a bin bag, another a cloth and bleach, another the hoover and the smallest one was told to put food back into the cupboards and shut all the drawers/doors.

Too many women silently kill themselves skivvying around for their families. Don’t do it. Now, make that choice now.

I think I love you! Seriously, I need to start doing that. Teen dd just drops her clothes on the floor, and makes various meals and snacks in the kitchen, leaving it all for me to clean up.

I think everyone's resilience is running low now. I really relate to everything you say especially the staying up late as it's the only time I get to myself. Life is bizarre and rubbish at the moment. But things are looking up. Vaccine rates are high and promising. I'm sure everything will be so much better by Spring and our kids will bounce back. Just keep getting through each day the best you can and don't be too hard on yourself.