Are we being left behind? Be honest

[Whitecup4]

I’m sitting in my back garden right now trying so hard not to fall to pieces, fighting back the tears but I’m cracking at the seams. Me and my DH are now arguing about it. My heart can’t cope- please tell me your opinions.

I will try to keep it short- sorry.
We are a couple with 2 children. One teen, one reception at school. Since March last year the kids have only been at school September - December so far.

We don’t have many friends, probably around 8 couples, so 16 people ish. All with children too.

My partner is on furlough and has been from the start. For around a year we have all been home, indoors, apart from when the kids went to school. I work from home.

Now this is the part that’s breaking me and causing rows.
All of our friends, 16 people, go out to work apart from 2, one is a SAHP the other works from home. All of their children apart from one couple send there kids to school, either a full week or part of the week. The one couple that doesn’t send them to school sends them to grandparents.

I don’t care about me or my partner but my kids have literally, and literally being the correct word,.... I can’t emphasise that enough, ...have gone nowhere and played with no one since leaving school in December. (We go for walks, the weather is cold so not for long, but they haven’t been to any place, nans, relatives, anything and nothing) they don’t even get to go to the shops which my DH does, yes it’s a chore food shopping, but he still gets out the house, the kids haven’t at all apart from walks.

Yesterday I saw from my front room window a mum with her two kids walking down the road towards our home, she was with another women and her child too, I looked again and I saw that it was 2 women from the school and the children were from my daughters class- the kids were smiling, walking along together and on there way to the park. I had to shut the front room curtains so my daughter didn’t see, as she is young and wouldn’t understand why she couldn’t go and play- it fucking killed me.

I genuinely feel like no one else is doing what we are doing!! All other kids are at school, going to grandparents, seeing other children on the sly and my kids are prisoners in there own house. No one else is seeing no one, no one else is going nowhere (to work) and having no interaction with any people at all.

Today my youngest lost control and had a full blown tantrum as she didn’t want to do her school work- she screamed at the top of her lungs she is bored and run upstairs crying her eyes out. I said to my partner it’s too much, they don’t even get to have a 5 minute wonder a round a stupid shop, they get nothing, see no one- he said we are being safe...I screamed we are mugs!! We’re cutting our nose to spite our face- no one else is doing this to the extent we are!!! No one!! Home schooling is hard because she HAS to do the work- the pressure.

Am I right or wrong? Is anyone out there, single parent or a couple with children where everyone is in the house and no one really does see anyone else- just the weekly shop by themselves and back again? Have your children really not seen anyone or played with anyone? Be honest please!!!

I can’t handle this for my kids anymore- they will hate us....please tell me what to do? I’m so broken.

[quote Liveitalittle]@Dontforgetyourbrolly the constant ridiculous news reports have frightened people. I just hope we are not raising a generation of hygiene obsessed children.[/quote]
I have noticed my DDs videos on her youtube now contains a lot of videos of washing your hands with pictures of evil looking germs, and her nursery is (understandably) washing their hands a lot. My DD is now asking to wash her hands at least 6 times a day outside of the times she washes them before dinner. I cant leave the downstairs toilet door unlocked or she goes in to wash them. She also gets very upset if her hands are dirty at all. I keep telling her "its ok to be dirty when you are outside/having fun" but it does bother her a lot. She also reminds me to put my mask on when going into nursery. She is 2 years 2 months. Mums in the playground are throwing the hand sanitizer around like a priest with sacrificial water. Toddlers are being shouted at by their parents to not stand close to other kids.

This has to be having some long term effect on them.

@TwirpingBird

Oh I’m sorry that sounds worrying and something I fear as I’ve lived with hygiene OCD for most my life.

I would speak to nursery and ask them to wash her hands on arrival and before food and nothing else. And not to mention the word germs etc.

I would get her out as much as possible in the mud, do messy plan at home and don’t talk about dirty hands/germs/covid etc.

Or play with water when you get home so it’s not washing hands but it is if you see what I mean.

@Dontforgetyourbrolly NEARLY EVERYONE will be asymptomatic, so the people who are just seeing a few friends & family/"bumping into" people to go for a walk/watching their DC play alongside load of other kids at the park will then pass it on to people who will pass it on etc etc. People are passing it on without knowing (or caring apparently) and the hospitals are full.

@TwirpingBird omg that sounds awful

Near here and near my school the playgrounds are really busy, with lots and lots of children, even in this winter lockdown. The children don't appear to be keeping 2m apart - I think a lot of parents, rightly or wrongly (and I know the rules are different in Scotland) have chosen not to regarding their children.

The parents are mostly stood in family groups or talking to one another from a distance from what I could see on recent passing by.

To be honest I dont think she is unusual. Many parents I have spoken to in the playground have said their kids are now obsessed with washing their hands, get upset if a kid goes near them, and dont want to be dirty because of "germs". One mum in a playground told me their kid now cries if anyone comes near them because they might 'make me die'. The kid was 3. They arent idiots. They arent oblivious to everything. They are spending their most important years for development being told to stay away from people. My DD doesnt have any clue there is a pandemic going in. She doesnt know what SD is. She sees me in a mask and that's it, but the washing of hands is getting a bit much.

Among my friends:

One keeping kids home, no playgrounds etc (both parents wfh and juggling care)
One keeping kids out of nursery but going to playgrounds/parks and visiting grandparents weekly
One keeping kids in nursery despite SAH and risk factors in family
One keeping kids out, mum on mat leave, despite eligibility for school places and having 3 under 5
One keeping kids out, having a childcare bubble with another family and going to playgrounds/outdoor playdates with multiple other families weekly
One keeping kids in but doing as above
And several variations!

I’d say very few people are adhering to things as strictly as the OP, in my experience.

I guess its your circle too - my main circle of friends wouldn't contemplate meeting up with anyone else at all and are quite shocked when people are. We're probably all m/c professionals who are rule followers though.

As I've said before I truly assumed most on mn would be similar.

We are doing the same OP. Our DC plays over zoom but no real life contact since schools closed. It’s the one bit of lockdown that really upsets me. Most of our friends are doing the same too and I very rarely see any more than one family at a time in our local play park. I work with the public and hear lots about their lives and I’m only hearing the odd story about minor lockdown breaks.

It’s so hard. I think there are different rules in different parts of UK so double check what you can do.

It might help to remind yourself of the good you are doing by sticking to the rules and feel really proud of it. Fewer contacts = less transmission = healthcare manages to look after us all if we need it = less death = less trauma and grief.

Good for you for doing your bit. You and your kids can feel really proud. Not long now and the restrictions will ease as vaccine roll out continues and more sunshine.

Hang on in there

@Msmcc1212 not helpful, the op needs support to get out and about before she gets worse and the kids suffer more, not a pat on the back for isolating herself and family to the point of ill health.

What makes me feel like most of a mug is when people imply you're a martyr fit following the shitty rules when they're not. It rankles exceptionally as they reap the benefits of lockdown, without the disadvantages and then run your nose in it.

If it helps the OP - my 6yo has been having similar tantrums and tears BUT he says he is happy and likes being at home more.

I think the format of home school is placing a lot of strain on children, it expects a lot of them in terms of self motivation and self discipline. I think for mine this is harder than the isolation from their friends.

@namechange63524 what do U mean??

[quote Liveitalittle]@namechange63524 what do U mean??[/quote]
@Liveitalittle .... @namechange63524 hates people who breaks any rule but then still want to use the NHS which they believe is still up and running because they followed the rules. They hate everyone basically, while sitting on their couch, all day every day, feeling proud of themselves for being miserable.

Liveitalittle, the OP asked upthread whether those who are in a similar position to her feel like a mug for following/being able to follow the household rules and recommendations as strictly as they have.

lucywho, "I would be interested to hear from the 'and this is why the UK is in the state it is' - and whether they know of anyone that has gone to a park, or for a walk with a friend, and ended up catching Covid from either of these two things?"

Yes, just this week; colleague has caught from a 1hr outdoor dog walk with a friend.

@Ormally

lucywho, "I would be interested to hear from the 'and this is why the UK is in the state it is' - and whether they know of anyone that has gone to a park, or for a walk with a friend, and ended up catching Covid from either of these two things?"

Yes, just this week; colleague has caught from a 1hr outdoor dog walk with a friend.

This just makes me think 'well we are all effed then. Vaccine doesnt stop the spread, so may as well just accept the risk'.

I am fed up being scared to walk outside my door. Its just inevitable we are all going to get it if it's that infectious

Liveitalittle

How kindly put.

That’s why I suggested checking the rules to make sure there aren’t options she has missed.

The thing I really cling to - not a silver bullet, but better than nothing - is evidence from studies of the behaviour of the other coronaviruses that have a family tree we have known about for many years. Yes, we don't know this one definitely follows the pattern, but the others are strongly seasonal and have a real peak in January or February (just depends which), but a natural drop off in May (in both cases, this probably happens no matter what you do and is linked to temperature, air movement and moisture). One example: academic.oup.com/jid/article/222/7/1090/5874220

I have taken from this and similar studies to take more care now than I would do later in the year.

We been really strict all throughout 3 lockdowns my children not played with any children and its getting to me a bit now.
The rules are bubbles if you have under 1 you can meet up another adult and child.
This whole its ok they under 5 is not a rule in England at least.
Children count within the rule of 6.
We are a family of 6.
In Scotland I believe they don't but I don't live in Scotland so I follow English rules.
My family are Wales we didn't see them at xmas they were in lockdown.
I'm aware in England you can meet up with 1 other person outside we not done that.
I did ask the teen if she see 1 of her freinds that lives nearest us the others live different parts of the city we tried to stay within our immediately postcodes.
3 of my kids are home learning and I have a toddler who's never been preschool or nursery as delayed it due to covid.
I miss toddler groups they never restarted since March.
We found a baby dance class but thats been shut more than its been open as 4 weeks nov. Then break over xmas than Jan lockdown.
I had go child's 1.school pick up pack and saw so many kids playing in the play ground.
Child 2 half his class are on teams.

This week we been to park twice.
Today felt bad as toddler desperately wants freinds her face lit up seeing another small person.

Over summer we went on off beaten tracks walks.
We cancelled uk summer holiday.
We ate out in pub beer garden twice
We tried go quieter parks as the big ones were as rammed as a Bournemouth beach.
Haven't seen family properly since August and September
Hubby goes to work..
Not seen freinds since before last March.
Seen 2 more local freinds but not in months.

I guess most mumsnet must feel I'm a mug but we been cautious and followed the rules.
Because we don't want to get covid
Or worse pass on covid to more vulnerable people.
I do the food shopping or husband does minus the kids.
Hardly been out in winter as too cold and wet.
We lucky we have a garden but its a bit of a midrash right now.
The dog gets short walk around block.

You've asked for honest responses - I think you should let your children see other children in a limited and safe way. Benefit outweighs risk hugely.

Your teenagers can do it entirely legally - meeting one friend at a time for a walk.

I would arrange for your younger child to meet a friend in the park. I have done this throughout this lockdown and last. I know it isn't legal but I think the impact of not doing it is too negative. In terms of my own personal risk budget, there are risks I could legally take (like I could go to the office, I could go to a supermarket) but I intentionally work from home all the time and avoid supermarkets so that I can take tiny risks like the one above which I think are vital to our family's wellbeing. I generally approve of the lockdown rules and obey them because they are sensible, but I believe UK's rules should match Scotland's on this and I'm not willing to obey this particular one.

... and to answer your question about what most people are doing, most people I know are letting their children meet friends outside in a limited way, as I am doing. This may be partly because we live in an area that has been very hard hit by Covid in the early stage of both the first wave and this one, so a lot of us have already had it, either likely or confirmed, this time or last time. Which may make us more risk-taking. I have a friend who lives in an area where relatively few people have had it, and she is being much more careful.

The rules are different in this lockdown to the ones in place previously. You are allowed to meet one adult outdoors for the purposes of exercise. Children under the age of 11 can also join and "don't count". I have 3 small kids. My eldest is 10. Each weekend I have walked with another parent from his class so that he can walk/kick a football with a friend. It is the only thing keeping him going. I do it regardless of the weather for the sake of his emotional and mental health.

Even if this were not permitted (and it is) I would do it anyway.

The honest truth is we have followed the same rules with the exception of DP having to work away on occasions, which honestly makes it harder as I'm on my own for weeks at a time with DC. DC have set foot in a shop once because we needed something I hadn't foreseen and stocked up when DP is here. DC haven't been able to meet online with friends for a variety of reasons.

However if I'm truthful it hasn't had as much impact because we are naturally insular and both my DC ar younger (8 and 5 ). However most people we are aware of are doing the same thing. This week seems to be brutal for everyone (am genuinely not sure what it is about this particular week but there seems not to be many who have not had a rough week...me included).

Of course I'm concerned about my DC longer term impact. I do think it will be challenging for a lot of children , and adults , when life starts to return because we have become more insular than usual. DC see me constantly. They are probably sick of the sight of me.

This isn't a kick because I get how frustrated you are but actually you really are not alone. Thinking you are a mug is a bit silly. It's not that everyone else isn't doing the same , lots of people are foing the same. If it's a question of compliance then risk assess it for yourself. Telling yourself you are doing something just because you feel you've been told to rather than doing it because you believe it's the right thing to do means you will get angry and defensive. I do believe a lot of coping with this is how you choose to view it.

@TooManyPlatesInMotion

The rules are different in this lockdown to the ones in place previously. You are allowed to meet one adult outdoors for the purposes of exercise. Children under the age of 11 can also join and "don't count". I have 3 small kids. My eldest is 10. Each weekend I have walked with another parent from his class so that he can walk/kick a football with a friend. It is the only thing keeping him going. I do it regardless of the weather for the sake of his emotional and mental health.

Even if this were not permitted (and it is) I would do it anyway.

I am assuming you are in Scotland where under 11’s don’t count?