Driving 80 miles to meet student daughter for a walk

[walkornot]

She would drive 20 miles to meet me. She went back to her uni town before lockdown. She's okay but struggling at times. Thinking of meeting her next weekend for a walk. Bad idea?

If she's struggling then I would go, definitely. You may only be seeing the tip of the iceberg. Don't worry about judgey internet people.

I'd really struggle to not do it if it was one of my children ..

Can I just point out to the posters saying “she just wants to recharge” isn’t enough...

“just need to recharge” or “just fancy a weekend with you” or “just need one of your Sunday lunches!” is the sort of thing I used to say to my mum, about why I was bringing my tiny baby 300 miles on the train for weekend visits, every other weekend, rather than staying in London with his dad.

It was fuck all about a decent Yorkshire pudding, or needing a cuddle- I was absolutely on my knees with postpartum mental health issues- but too proud to admit it- and going home was what kept me going when I was feeling isolated and very very unwell in London. My mum never had any clue, not until DS was 6 months old and I left his father and turned up on her doorstep unannounced an absolute, broken mess.

You have no idea how this girl is- and nor does her mother, necessarily until she sees her- so please don’t apply your moralising to the situation without appreciating that MH issues can be subtle and insidious. They don’t always present as dramatic times of high emotion. And students are especially vulnerable -and able to hide behind excuses like “course pressure” “missing home” etc.

That is such a good point. I need to see her to work out what we're looking at

Sorry @walkornot - don’t mean to worry you unduly if she’s fine- but if she’s usually v resilient and self contained, but suddenly “needs to recharge”, I would dig a bit deeper. If she’s proud (like I am) it’s a coded request for support.

Only the OP knows whether she means she's a bit fed up like everyone else or if she is genuinely mentally unwell in need of genuine support. No one can answer this question as we don't know.

@walkornot

That is such a good point. I need to see her to work out what we're looking at

Yes. My DD was very good at masking her clinical depression.

Yes I would. If my child needed me I would go. I’d be inclined to tell her to actually come back with me and isolate.

I would not allow the government to ever tell me I could not see one of my children if they needed me. This is utter madness and tbh I’m so shocked some parents would.

I’d take the fine.

I can't believe some of the replies on here, wtf has happened to people? Some of you sound like robots for churning out the governments messages, do you repeat 'hands face space' in your sleep? Or maybe Priti Patel is on here, I can genuinely imagine she would probably abandon her child in this situation too.

@walkornot I would go to my DC in an instant if they needed me, this isn't about 'having a walk'- young people have been treated like dirt during the pandemic and nearly a year in the numbers who are really struggling is going to be increasing. I would want to see in person how my DC were- my priority in my life is my DC, not 'collective responsibility' for everyone else, especially when it's not like I'd be throwing a massive party which you know, actually could spread the virus in a stupid way.

I hope your DD is ok 💐

If we each see our own circumstances as being special and break restrictions for them then what have we got left?

See I worry about 'what have we got left' when we can't even check on our DC' mental health when they are far from home, at a potentially vulnerable age at the best of times never mind in a pandemic, when they've been royally screwed over with regards to tuition fees, rents, and then scapegoated by the government for the spread of coronavirus. Oh and no socialising, parties, making friends, starting new relationships. All at the time of life when these things are so so important. No fucking way would I ignore my child struggling with all of that.

@walkornot Absolutely you should drive to and support your daughter. This situation is dreadful for young people. I hope your DD is ok.

@walkornot ...and @StrawberryLipstickStateOfMind puts it very well in her post above.

Yes, go and see your daughter OP. Going for a walk once a week with my mum honestly saves my sanity. I would be in a dark place without it. It just so happens she lives 5 miles away not 50.

What really is the difference in terms of Covid? I am more likely to crash and take up a hospital bed? Because I would like to see those statistics please.

Go with your gut. If your contemplating it and your daughter is reaching out to you I’d go (now).

I think you should do it.

The more I think about this the more I can’t believe any mum wouldn’t go
Certainly none I know

If she isn’t receiving face to face teaching and presumably has access to testing at uni, I would have her test, isolate for the appropriate time, then come home and continue her studies with you.

I'd have no qualms about prioritising my young student aged daughter. Not all students can come home. Many need to be on site. Dd does. Her course means she has some f2f right now.

Dd is coming home in a fortnight for a couple of days as she has an appointment that can't be moved. We will see her. Infact we will probably drive her back to university afterwards. The risk to the three of us is incredibly low. The risk to others from us doing this is even lower,

If we each see our own circumstances as being special and break restrictions for them then what have we got left?

The relationship with our kids and knowing they are safe and well. Are we at a point in history now where you are judged and vilified for making sure your children are ok?

What’s really bloody scary is that the Government were able to TRAP people who had done NO crime in a building - surrounded it with security and banned them leaving to even see their parents. And a fuck load of society welcomed it. We have now set a president of what people will accept. What’s to stop them doing it every time there is a bad case on influenza?

I don’t believe there are actual mothers who are in this position on this thread if there are and support not going then I feel very sorry indeed for your kids.

Most students are still pretty young - 18-22y.\in the grand scheme of things this is still very young. Many are away from home for the first time. And this year that is under incredibly difficult and strained circumstances.

Although some MNetters are happy to leave the 18/19y to struggle on alone, many are not. No way mould I be ignoring my child. If there upset/stressed enough to ask to see mum, then chances are they really need to tbh.

Oh god don't ask mumsnet. Make your own decision, you'll get mobbed on here.

@Neenan

You know the answer already OP.

Yes, and the answer is yes, of course you should meet your struggling daughter for a walk.

Otherwise what the hell kind of world are we living in?

*Yes, and the answer is yes, of course you should meet your struggling daughter for a walk.

Otherwise what the hell kind of world are we living in?*

Judging by some of the comments (and only some), we are living in world (or at least a country) where absolutely nothing is more important than following every one of these laws and it must be done without question, regardless of why you need to break them.

It's madness.

@PhilCornwall1

*Yes, and the answer is yes, of course you should meet your struggling daughter for a walk.

Otherwise what the hell kind of world are we living in?*

Judging by some of the comments (and only some), we are living in world (or at least a country) where absolutely nothing is more important than following every one of these laws and it must be done without question, regardless of why you need to break them.

It's madness.

I agree, I think there's just some things that have to take priority. People should be cautious, but I think we'll look back at all of all this (if it ever ends!!) and realise some pretty sad things happened that could have been avoided with a bit of cautious common sense

Hope your daughter is ok OP xx

If she was really struggling she would come home with you.

I am sure most of us could argue we could do with a recharge and meeting up with someone close to us