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Original poster

MIL is an antivaxxer.. and I'm not!

188 replies

mummyoftwotinkers · 20/01/2021 13:05

Help please! My MIL is a fierce antivaxxer and always has been (she's 63 and fit and well). I am 100% pro vaccinations being medically trained and having several friends and family members currently on the front line, exhausted, terrified and stressed about what each day will bring.

She's saying she won't have the covid vaccine because it's 'not safe', 'not tested enough' 'contains metals that are toxic to us' and 'we don't know the side effects yet so she wants to let others try it and get those side effects first before making her decision'.

I am struggling with her selfishness about the whole situation, partly because I don't want her to catch it and give it to us (when restrictions lift- we're not seeing her at the mo), partly because I don't want my kids to give it to her (they go to nursery) and mostly because I cannot comprehend how someone cannot care about our poor healthcare workers having to treat people like this who may end up in hospital just because they 'didn't believe' in the vaccine. That, alongside the people who are ill with other conditions who wont necessarily get a hospital bed because she or other antivaxxers are filling the wards.

What do I do?! She's not eligible for the vaccine yet so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt to change her mind, but I'm pretty sure that won't happen (my husband only found out he hasn't had the MMR jab when he was at uni and there was a mumps outbreak).

I feel like if she doesn't have the vaccine then I should continue to keep the kids at a distance from her, which I know she will take as me 'punishing her' for her choices (and maybe I am 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I don't want to fall out with her about this but I think this is going to drive a massive wedge in between us, and when our well-being (not just our belief) is on the line, I don't see why I should compromise?

Am I being unreasonable?!

OP posts:
FelicityWhiskers · 20/01/2021 13:10

Yes.

God what happened to individual people having their own individual beliefs and thoughts? Just leave her be.

Or alternatively keep going on and have a fall out.

FOJN · 20/01/2021 13:12

You're not obliged to compromise to keep the peace. She is an adult with the right to make her own choices. You also have the right to make choices to protect the safety and well being of your family.
I think the decision is whether you would rather do what you think is best for your family or avoid upsetting MIL. Personally I wouldn't compromise myself to protect someone else's feelings.

WorraLiberty · 20/01/2021 13:12

I'm not sure it's fair to label her as an 'anti-vaxxer' because she's scared of being injected with a new vaccine.

My dad had serious reservations at first and thankfully we were able to discuss his fears and put them to rest, meaning he's now had the vaccine.

With regards to keeping your children away from her (whether as a punishment or not), she's a grown adult who is making her own choice whether you agree with it or not, so dragging your kids into this as punishment is a bit low.

KeepWashingThoseHands · 20/01/2021 13:13

I don’t agree with her views but she’s entitled to them. Re. it being seen as her being punished, your DP and her need a frank conversation about what happens in the even she catches it and that you don’t want to be responsible for that. Everyone has choices, each come with a different possible consequence. Does she have a will, has she got preferences around end of life wishes etc. If she’s fully comprehending of the risks, up to her isn’t it?

3littlewords · 20/01/2021 13:14

You can't force her to have the vaccine its her body her choice not yours. Even with the vaccine she can still transmit and catch
the virus just its unlikely to have a bad effect on her. The world will go back to normal eventually if she wants to risk it then so be it. FWIW I'm in a similar position with FIL who is ECV but still refusing it, I'm sick of worrying about it now. Theres enough information out there to make an informed choice, if there's disastrous consequences from his decision then that's his hard luck and we'll have to deal with it. I've come to the conclusion if they arent bothered about themselves then why should I be?

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/01/2021 13:14

It’s her body, definitely her choice. Not everyone will have the vaccination, something like a 70% take up seems to be mooted. You really should stop bullying her.

Original poster
mummyoftwotinkers · 20/01/2021 13:15

@WorraLiberty

I'm not sure it's fair to label her as an 'anti-vaxxer' because she's scared of being injected with a new vaccine.

My dad had serious reservations at first and thankfully we were able to discuss his fears and put them to rest, meaning he's now had the vaccine.

With regards to keeping your children away from her (whether as a punishment or not), she's a grown adult who is making her own choice whether you agree with it or not, so dragging your kids into this as punishment is a bit low.

She calls herself an antivaxxer.
OP posts:
Throwaway99 · 20/01/2021 13:15

She can make her own mind up, as much as you disagree with her opinions she is allowed to have them.

U8myufo · 20/01/2021 13:16

It is her personal decision not yours to take why do you feel you need to be on a crusade to persuade her? She’s an adult.

Scbchl · 20/01/2021 13:16

You don't and cant do anything..as a grown adult it is her call to make.

Beautifulbonnie · 20/01/2021 13:16

I get what others are saying

But the guilt is feel if I gave my mother in law Covid. When she didn’t have a vaccine is something I’m not sure I could live with. I love that woman. I don’t want her to come to harm. So I get that.

Original poster
mummyoftwotinkers · 20/01/2021 13:16

@Throwaway99

She can make her own mind up, as much as you disagree with her opinions she is allowed to have them.
Agreed, but how we react to her choices is our choice. And if it puts us or others in danger then that's a choice I'm not prepared to take
OP posts:
MoodyMarshall · 20/01/2021 13:16

The point is, she's entitled to her beliefs, but she sure as hell can't see your family until she gets the vaccine.

If any of my relatives were to swerve the vaccine, I would be swerving them until they saw sense.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/01/2021 13:17

And you are punishing her. You are dragging her grandchildren into the dispute.

Greenknees · 20/01/2021 13:17

Yanbu. Keep the kids away from her- it’s really only a matter of time until she catches it though as we start to mix again once enough of the vulnerable are vaccinated. Fingers crossed she has a mild case.

The mentality of the anti-vaxxers is mind blowingly stupid. There is no evidence that the vaccine could harm you and LOTS OF EVIDENCE THAT THE ILLNESS CAN. Also, they are relying on the rest of us to get the vaccine as their ticket out of this situation- so why publicise your reasons for not getting it?!?

Original poster
mummyoftwotinkers · 20/01/2021 13:19

@ThroughThickAndThin01

And you are punishing her. You are dragging her grandchildren into the dispute.
So I should let them live with the guilt that they passed covid (and the potential consequences) to their unvaccinated grandmother? Obviously this isn't something that they would understand or be aware of now, but in the future they'd figure it out
OP posts:
ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/01/2021 13:19

@Beautifulbonnie

I get what others are saying

But the guilt is feel if I gave my mother in law Covid. When she didn’t have a vaccine is something I’m not sure I could live with. I love that woman. I don’t want her to come to harm. So I get that.

The OP clearly doesn’t love her own mil, that’s not the angle she’s coming from, it’s mil catching and passing it on to her.
murbblurb · 20/01/2021 13:19

she doesn't have to have it. Stay well clear for now. As and when restrictions lift, before you meet up phone her and make it clear that there is a risk that she may catch covid from you or your kids, and that because she is unvaccinated she has a higher risk of getting very ill.

if she still wants to meet on that basis, her call. Don't feel guilty if she then gets it off your family.

ThroughThickAndThin01 · 20/01/2021 13:20

Then that’s her choice to put herself in danger which she knows.

Milkshake7489 · 20/01/2021 13:21

She's entitled to make her own choice about the vaccine. You are entitled to make your own choice about whether you and your children see her as a result.

Freedom of choice doesn't mean freedom from consequences (and covid aside, I'd be reluctant to have someone who labelled themselves as an 'antivaxxer' around my children).

SeasonFinale · 20/01/2021 13:22

Sorry OP that you appeared to have attracted all the anti vaxxers to your thread.

YANBU. If she makes her choice not to have the vaccine you are perfectly within your own rights to not allow her to mingle with you and your children.

Original poster
mummyoftwotinkers · 20/01/2021 13:23

@ThroughThickAndThin01

Then that’s her choice to put herself in danger which she knows.
I do love my MIL actually. She has been in my life since I was 17 (I'm now 35) and we've always got on brilliantly. This is something that has never arisen before and would be our first clash. I'm asking for ways to manage the situation. And to be frank, no I don't particularly want to catch covid off her either?! Would you?!
OP posts:
AuntieStella · 20/01/2021 13:23

You are very unlikely to make much headway with someone who has held an entrenched view, no matter how peculiar - and that's the mildest/politest word I can come up with - for some decades.

The questions that remain is how much family ill-feeling are you prepared to precipitate.

Time is on your side, in the sense that restrictions aren't being lifted soon, and it's likely that social gatherings will be limited.

Tell her for now that there's no point in trying to guess what future regs will be or when they might change; you'll not be making plans for a while yet and will only do so when it's clear there are possibilities that are both permitted and sensible

CaramelE150d · 20/01/2021 13:23

I don’t agree with your MIL but it’s ultimately up to her. I’d just agree to disagree and wouldn’t even mention it with her. I also wouldn’t stop her seeing the kids - seems to me there’s much more risk to her getting it from them than vice versa.

Superfoodie123 · 20/01/2021 13:25

If you believe the vaccine will keep you safe surely she won't be endangering you?

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