MIL is an antivaxxer.. and I'm not!

[mummyoftwotinkers]

Help please! My MIL is a fierce antivaxxer and always has been (she's 63 and fit and well). I am 100% pro vaccinations being medically trained and having several friends and family members currently on the front line, exhausted, terrified and stressed about what each day will bring.

She's saying she won't have the covid vaccine because it's 'not safe', 'not tested enough' 'contains metals that are toxic to us' and 'we don't know the side effects yet so she wants to let others try it and get those side effects first before making her decision'.

I am struggling with her selfishness about the whole situation, partly because I don't want her to catch it and give it to us (when restrictions lift- we're not seeing her at the mo), partly because I don't want my kids to give it to her (they go to nursery) and mostly because I cannot comprehend how someone cannot care about our poor healthcare workers having to treat people like this who may end up in hospital just because they 'didn't believe' in the vaccine. That, alongside the people who are ill with other conditions who wont necessarily get a hospital bed because she or other antivaxxers are filling the wards.

What do I do?! She's not eligible for the vaccine yet so I'm giving her the benefit of the doubt to change her mind, but I'm pretty sure that won't happen (my husband only found out he hasn't had the MMR jab when he was at uni and there was a mumps outbreak).

I feel like if she doesn't have the vaccine then I should continue to keep the kids at a distance from her, which I know she will take as me 'punishing her' for her choices (and maybe I am 🤷🏻‍♀️)

I don't want to fall out with her about this but I think this is going to drive a massive wedge in between us, and when our well-being (not just our belief) is on the line, I don't see why I should compromise?

Am I being unreasonable?!

You are both entitled to your own opinions. I'd stay away until you are all vaccinated, but once you've been vaccinated and she wants to see the children, then it's up to her if she wants to put herself at risk. Makes choices that directly affect you and your dc but don't make them on her behalf

@Superfoodie123

If you believe the vaccine will keep you safe surely she won't be endangering you?

No vaccine is 100% effective.

There is no conclusion about whether the vaccine prevents people from carrying COVID or not at this point. Therefore at this stage her decision has no impact on anyone apart from herself. Aside from that, it’s ok to disagree with people and not fall out with them or to withhold your children.

@AuntieStella

You are very unlikely to make much headway with someone who has held an entrenched view, no matter how peculiar - and that's the mildest/politest word I can come up with - for some decades.

The questions that remain is how much family ill-feeling are you prepared to precipitate.

Time is on your side, in the sense that restrictions aren't being lifted soon, and it's likely that social gatherings will be limited.

Tell her for now that there's no point in trying to guess what future regs will be or when they might change; you'll not be making plans for a while yet and will only do so when it's clear there are possibilities that are both permitted and sensible

Thank you, the first bit of practical advice! Will keep schtum until things need to be said, if they ever do

Don't be so disingenuous.

If MIL doesn't behave her vaccine when she gets called for it OP will make the obvious decision to continue not to see her until

a) OP and her family have been vaccinated - difficult given the ages that won't be vaccinated

b) The government lift all restrictions - and even then will be wary, just in case.

OP won't change MILs mind, she didn't have her own child vaccinated, so she has long been an antivaxxer.

OP do what you think is best for you and your DC.

@Llamadog

There is no conclusion about whether the vaccine prevents people from carrying COVID or not at this point. Therefore at this stage her decision has no impact on anyone apart from herself. Aside from that, it’s ok to disagree with people and not fall out with them or to withhold your children.

Not true. There's a guilt that would come to us if we or the kids passed it to her. I don't want to live with that guilt and no matter what anyone says about 'well it was her choice to not have the vaccine' ultimately if my kids gave her the disease that killed her I'd feel pretty bad... (understatement)

YABU. It’s her body, her choice. And stop using the “ selfish “ excuse, it’s fucking ridiculous to expect someone to put something they think could be dangerous into their body for your sake, as that is truly selfish.

What should you do? You should back off. If she doesn't the vaccine she accepts all the associated risks, including passing or getting the virus. She is perfectly entitled not to have it. If you are not happy with the risks she brings to your family then don't see her. In regards to her not'caring about poor front line workers'.. This is just utterly ridiculous. Given her belief in a potential harm of the vaccine(I am not antivax at all) she is prioritising her own health over a bunch of people she doesn't know. It is perfectly normal

My fil is believes mmr made his daughter have learning disabilities (not true as she became disabled many years before the mmr was around) but the daily Mail reading conspiracy theories made him decide 2+2=26

When it came to the covid jab I explained that we wouldn't continue to limit our lives and the lives of our children to protect him (obviously beyond restrictions and having the jab ourselves) so he had 3 options

Get the jab
Not see us as the children aren't eligible for the jab to protect himself
Or risk the children picking it up and giving it to him before we even knew they had it.

He thankfully has chosen to have it.

But if your mil makes a different decision and she gets covid from one of you. It's not your fault it's hers she knows the risks and if she wants to see you then it's her risk to take.

@Userzzz

YABU. It’s her body, her choice. And stop using the “ selfish “ excuse, it’s fucking ridiculous to expect someone to put something they think could be dangerous into their body for your sake, as that is truly selfish.

Not just mine or my families sake, but the NHS's sake. If someone gets sick (not with covid) and they can't get a hospital bed (it's getting to that point and already has done in some areas) because the hospital is full of people with covid who didn't need to be there because they could have had a vaccine, then that's selfish.

Yes she is entitled to her own opinions on the vaccine, but those choices will also have consequences and effect the people she is close to. You do what is best for you and your immediate family OP, like she believes she is doing.

She calls herself an antivaxxer.

If she was an anti-vaxxer she wouldn't be willing to see what side effects others got, "before making her decision".

Heartened to see so many posters on here saying agree to differ.

You do you, leave her to manage her own body. I wouldn't keep your kids away from her to protect her - if she's comfortable with the risks, you should be too. Depending on what her lifestyle's like, you'll need to make a judgement about whether she's a risk to you

@WorraLiberty

She calls herself an antivaxxer.

If she was an anti-vaxxer she wouldn't be willing to see what side effects others got, "before making her decision".

Yes well clearly she's a bit more nervous of covid than any other disease. Which is why I'm entering this debate. I feel like there may be some room for persuasion and I'm asking for advice on how to tackle the situation, not to be accused of not loving my MIL or only thinking about myself!

But also she probably only said that because she knows my feelings on the matter

I could be your MIL, except I'm not 63.
It's my body, my choice. If I die of covid, then so be it - we all have to die sometime.
I'm really uncomfortable with how we now just don't talk about 'getting an illness' but WHO we got it from. How much guilt do we want people to carry?

So I should let them live with the guilt that they passed covid (and the potential consequences) to their unvaccinated grandmother? Obviously this isn't something that they would understand or be aware of now, but in the future they'd figure it out

Would they? Even if the worst were to happen and she was one of the tiny minority to catch it and die, how would you know for sure it was from your family? Why would you ever tell them that? You would surely just say "your grandmother died of COVID-19 in the 2020/21 pandemic. I really can't see how they'd somehow think it was their fault and feel guilt.

Anyway, beyond that, it wouldn't be their fault or yours anyway. It's her choice not to get vaccinated, she'll be making it in the knowledge that she may one day get COVID. She's an adult who can choose that for herself. I wouldn't agree with her, but I wouldn't alter my behaviour in response.

Actual antivaxxers appear in 3,2,1 to air their views. You appear to have provided the perfect forum for that OP, well done 👏

So I should let them live with the guilt that they passed covid (and the potential consequences) to their unvaccinated grandmother? Obviously this isn't something that they would understand or be aware of now, but in the future they'd figure it out

Figure what out??

An unvaccinated person could catch COVID from anyone, at any time.

Honestly OP. I'm 100% all for the vaccine but I do think you're overthinking the 'guilt' thing.

@GwendolineMarysLaces

Actual antivaxxers appear in 3,2,1 to air their views. You appear to have provided the perfect forum for that OP, well done 👏

Yea I realise that now. Silly platform for me to choose. Didn't realise there were so many antivaxxers out there! Hope they stay safe x

Ps, YANBU

It’s up to her whether she has the vaccine or not. It makes no difference to any of you because the vaccine won’t stop people catching or transmitting. If you want to punish her for making decisions about her own body that you don’t agree with by denying her access to her GC then that makes you a twat.

We will be making choices in the future depending on their Covid policy. It's going to affect everything.

Some Companies are already stating going forward new staff will have to have been vaccinated, and looking at how this can work for existing staff.

As a family we would pick services where vaccines are mandatory over ones where they aren't.

I don't think I'd want an unvaccinated adult in my home, luckily all my family will have it. You MIL has every right to her opinion, but so have you and if you decide that limits your contact with her that's up to you.

She is free to have her own opinions and make her own choices based on those opinions
So are you
You are free to respond to her opinions and choices in whichever way is best for you
tell her you completely understand that she wants to act in accordance with her own opinions about the vaccine, then mention that you will also be acting in accordance with your opinions and that means you won't be able to see her because in your opinion it isn't safe.