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Original poster

AIBU to report my teen for breaking 'tier 4' ?

183 replies

ohtobeanonymous · 29/12/2020 19:12

...by meeting up with several people from different households for hours at a time, either in parks / their homes / travelling around and about the city?

I get that being at home is trying, frustrating and difficult for all of us, but she says she doesn't agree with that rule so she isn't going to follow it!

OP posts:
IamMariahScarey · 29/12/2020 23:02

Can you even imagine reporting your own kid... seriously??? Imagine how that conversation would go down.

Original poster
ohtobeanonymous · 30/12/2020 00:20

@CuteBear @madcatladyforever

She has a curfew and boundaries that have been negotiated and agreed to through mutual and lengthy discussions, revisiting as she requests. She ignores them when she chooses to and cheerfully admits that this is the case. Reasoning, discussing/being logical and being asked to fulfil behaviour commitments which she herself has designed work until the point she decides in the moment she would rather do something else.

Any comments about her sister have been made in response to lazy posters who think ‘poor parenting’ is the issue - if this were the case I’d have two struggling not just one.

Wanting her to learn from her mistakes is not the same thing as denigrating or hating your child. When a kid doesn’t listen to a calm parent or their social worker, then perhaps a message from another authority figure would work.

Thanks to the many posters (and private messages from people) who have a realistic understanding of the issue. To all others I hope you never have to know what it is like to see such a frightening and rapid negative transformation in your child and to experience a close and loving relationship decimated by forces outside your control.

OP posts:
ineedaholidaynow · 30/12/2020 00:29

I would be seriously concerned about the new income either county lines or money mule (diets and squares) spring to mind.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/12/2020 00:29

deets not diets

Original poster
ohtobeanonymous · 30/12/2020 00:34

@Hairyfairy01

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. 17 is plenty old enough to know the consequences. If you have a vulnerable person in your household I can see why you are concerned. Personally for me, if you cannot live by the rules of the household you cannot live in the house (16 +). Harsh for some I know. Can anyone else talk sense into her? Anywhere else she could move to, even temporarily? She is being incredibly selfish and needs to realise this. Yes it's hard, but it's hard for us all.
My husband wants to kick her out for these very reasons.

I am fighting her corner to stay in the home where she should be as I’m legally responsible for her until she turns 18 in 11 months time and I don’t think it is right to give up on your children. She has told me she wants to be in our home.
I am trying to help her link her choices to outcomes and behaviour. I hope that by being one of the people continuing to remind her of the need to make good, responsible choices she will start to do so. I am hoping that by providing a home for her unconditionally but letting her know when her behaviour is hurtful or disrespectful of our home life she will start to get the message. I am hoping that by affirming her abilities and positive attributes (and organising therapy she has requested to deal with her anxiety issues) she will start to have a better sense of self worth and not want to follow others’ so badly.

She is a good, smart kid who sometimes needs a short, sharp shock to learn!

OP posts:
Original poster
ohtobeanonymous · 30/12/2020 00:40

I will look into the money mule/deets and squares situation. Scary stuff and quite probable ...

Thanks for the info @ineedaholidaynow

OP posts:
IDespairOfTheHumanRace · 30/12/2020 00:47

FFS - what have we become, a training ground for the Stasi and Gestapo? My user name says it all - no further comment

Thefeep · 30/12/2020 00:52

You’re the parent. Tell her no! And yes I have had a 17 year old, 2 in fact. She’s not an adult yet. As for reporting her, absolutely not!

Notrightbutok · 30/12/2020 01:07

You’re the parent. Tell her no! And yes I have had a 17 year old, 2 in fact. She’s not an adult yet. As for reporting her, absolutely not!

I've had two teens that were fine and would do as they were told if I put my foot down but my youngest was completely different, don't blame OP.

KarmaNoMore · 30/12/2020 01:41

You’re the parent. Tell her no! And yes I have had a 17 year old, 2 in fact. She’s not an adult yet. As for reporting her, absolutely not!

So used to say my mum... one of us was compliant but resentful, the other one was always out late but so confident my mother was on her parenting skills, she never ever noticed Grin

midsummabreak · 30/12/2020 01:57

*@CuteBear is right on the money
You will further alienate your Dd by giving a short sharp shock, or by reporting.

ZoomedOut · 30/12/2020 01:58

RTFT people!

OP do you know why your DD has stopped taking her meds? This I feel is key as the ADHD will make it very difficult for her to make rational decisions in the heat of the moment.

It sounds like she is involved in either drugs/county lines or deets and squares.
There was a very informative thread on deets and squares (which was a total eye opener for me) DD has had large sums of money put into her account

I think in your situation I too would be trying to support her staying at home and not to kick her out (I'm guessing it's your DHs suggestion to report her for covid rule breaking?) as I can't help but feel that with the unmediated ADHD she will have no hope of getting support once out of the home. She isn't going to suddenly start making good choices on her own. I feel for you, it's not going to be easy, whatever your decision.

Ritascornershop · 30/12/2020 02:08

This is what we have been coached to become: people who would report their own children for seeing friends. It’s frightening to see how easy it’s been to turn so many people into blind followers, betraying their own loved ones.

ineedaholidaynow · 30/12/2020 02:09

@ZoomedOut that thread was when I first learnt about deets and squares. I had a safeguarding course a few months later and I was the only person who had heard of it. I had a chat with DS(15) about it as well after reading that thread and he was aware of it from a talk at school. More parents need to be aware of it.

Ritascornershop · 30/12/2020 02:13

Ah, I see there are extenuating circumstances - that probably should have been mentioned by the op off the top.

midsummabreak · 30/12/2020 02:14

All the 16 and 17 year olds I know of who were kicked out of home or alienated by their parents for their poor life choices went on to live very self destructive lifestyles. If your DH wants your Dd to have the best chance in life he should not throw her out and make her homeless

If she is getting in with a group of people who are possibly criminals, she needs you more than ever. Yes you need to encourage good choices and calmly talk it out, but don’t criminalise her for poor choices, she is an immature teen with a disability that impacts her decision making.

midsummabreak · 30/12/2020 02:19

When you say she is not taking her medication, is it still visible in the packet or has it been disposed of? Possibly off the mark, but I’m wondering if there is a market for her to be selling her medication

Mintyt · 30/12/2020 04:14

I typed a long post, about when my son was 14 but deleted it, please do everything in your power to keep her off the police rader as once they are known to the police it's all down hill - I feel your dispare, pick your battles an win them. The money is the 1st one.

userxx · 30/12/2020 04:35

My son had a strict curfew at 17. He wasn't allowed to roam around town 24 hours a day. And was too responsible at that age to behave like that

Really? At 17 I was wild, first taste of independence, learning to drive, out in bars and clubs. Couldn't imagine having a curfew. God, I'd love to 17 again!

BigSandyBalls2015 · 30/12/2020 06:36

Strict curfew at 17 🤣🤣

youvegottenminuteslynn · 30/12/2020 10:06

All part of a total change of character in the past month or so from a new bunch of 'friends' - unexplained money coming in, random outings with various people and only ever late in the afternoon until late at night/the early hours, completely cut herself off from longterm friends etc...

Agree this sounds like county lines / money mule. I've put a couple of links below but I remember the thread a PP shared below and it had loads more links in it.

I really feel for you, at 17 my brother was on a mission to defy anyone in authority and totally entitled. People would say to my parents to 'make' him do things but short of police involvement they would have had to physically restrain him for him not to go out, which would have ended in assault as he was out of control. It was an awful time for us all, including me his bookworm sister who never caused any trouble.

It probably isn't reassuring at the moment as you're in the midst of it but in case it helps at all, he's now mid thirties and totally settled down. No drink, no drugs, great job, a home, long term partner and beautiful baby. Hates the idea of how he used to be and is a complete square! Yet we were told he would end up either getting stabbed or in prison at a few points in his teens. So people really can change.

I really feel for you and please ignore people being cruel to you - it's almost impossible to imagine how a child can seemingly change overnight. It's terrifying, guilt inducing and embarrassing according to my parents who are so relieved he is now sorted.

Thinking of you Thanks

https://www.bbc.com/news/business-49717288

https://www.nationalcrimeagency.gov.uk/what-we-do/crime-threats/drug-trafficking/county-lines

CrappingMyself · 30/12/2020 17:16

She does have ADHD but has been refusing to take her medication.

Ok this is an important aspect of her behaviour so probably a good idea @ohtobeanonymous to include this in any future posts.

Many of the children I work with who have ADHD have problems around impulse control, emotional disregulation, amongst other things so she won't respond well to being told what to do. I would approach from the POV of acknowledging how hard things must be for her at the moment and that there is help out there if she needs it, she doesn't have to do it alone. I would remind her that you care for her and only want what is best for her because you're her mum and love her, no matter what.

ADHD and teens are hard work - has she ever been assessed for ASD as well? The two can be co-morbid.

Also, has she explained why she's not taking her meds? Is it something you've noticed due to her behaviour, something she told you, or because you see full pill packets? If you don't see full pill packets, do be aware there is a market out there for ADHD meds, so that would also be of concern and may be a way of her "earning" money.

As to the Covid side and having the risks explained to her, she probably does know and understand, but her ADHD will prevent her from making good choices.

flawsandceilings · 30/12/2020 20:06

DD is 15 with ADHD. I've really struggled this holiday getting her compliant. "Meeting one person outside" seems to mean hanging round parks and one person often becomes 2 ...
I have 2 children,one delightful and compliant and then DD. It's not my parenting. I just need to pick my battles. She's anxious, hyper social, emotionally disregulated and has zero empathy.

She's very much like my brother was at that age and he turned out lovely eventually (although it was a tough 5 years for mum). I hate the MN crowd telling you to "parent your child". You just know they have easy children. They need to walk a few steps in our shoes.

Original poster
ohtobeanonymous · 01/01/2021 07:53

Thanks for the emotional support and helpful practical suggestions (surprisingly this doesn’t include those using hyperbolic and historically inaccurate comparisons to certain German/East German organisationsGrin)

NYE has been horrid (yet again) She decided she didn’t need to stay home as all her ‘friends’ were going out - left the house after another attempt to guide her decision making - and has still not returned - is it still ‘wrong’ to involve the police if she stays missing? Not responding to any messages and no location available on her phone.

Spent last night and the early hours reading articles like this:
www.empoweringparents.com/article/throwing-it-all-away-when-good-kids-make-bad-choices/ and www.empoweringparents.com/article/parenting-truth-you-are-not-to-blame-for-your-childs-behavior/

Happy New Year nonetheless - I fear it is going to be worse than last for my family.

OP posts:
loulouljh · 01/01/2021 08:00

No of course not. Who are you going to report her to? Madness.