AIBU to report my teen for breaking 'tier 4' ?

[ohtobeanonymous]

...by meeting up with several people from different households for hours at a time, either in parks / their homes / travelling around and about the city?

I get that being at home is trying, frustrating and difficult for all of us, but she says she doesn't agree with that rule so she isn't going to follow it!

Wtf. she’s under 18 legally it’s the parents responsibility. The parent is you. Get a grip of yourself and stop asking the police to parent for you

I'd be quite alarmed about the change in behaviour and unexplained money. Is there anyway you can find out what she's up to. Although most people are suspecting drug county lines stuff it could be she's being sexually exploited. Keep the channels of communication open

Reporting is too good for her, public flogging fits the crime.

Oh ffs don’t be a Bertie.

17 years old the worlds hard enough as it is !!!!

@Bathroom12345

So most teens are breaking the rules..mine isn’t but maybe he is an exception. There is another thread asking where people are catching CV19 and rates have never been higher.

Could you shame her into being more responsible. It isn’t all about her, if she really doesn’t care then that is another issue because it won’t be just CV19 she doesn’t care about.

Mine aren't out either (Tier 4 here). None of the parents I know have this problem, but we live in a small village with nowhere for them to go. If they want to go elsewhere, then they need mum/dad taxi, which isn't happening. Most 17yr olds I know can't afford cars or insurance either (unless parents have bought it for them).

Also interested in how your DD feels about Covid @ohtobeanonymous and how your relationship with her and the rest of the family is. Because it sounds like there are a lot of other issues if a SW is involved, so she may not be able to be considerate towards you or others, especially if she is feeling hard done by or angry about anything at home. Her new friends sound like they are offering her a chance to escape how she is feeling.

I would definitely be concerned about the money from a county lines POV though.

Wow, OP.. I can see your dd in 20 years time on a couch at a shrink's office telling them about her about her troubled relationship with her mother and how it all started..

@FarTooSkinny

She is an absolute disgrace. But reporting her will make no difference as the police don't care less. Suggest your break a few of her fingers then lock her in the basement for a week or two

Assume this is ironic?

You could report her (not sure to whom) but I doubt anyone would care.

I think this is something you will witness to deal with as a parent to be honest.

My children would never behave like this, it is the way they were raised. Responsible parenting, good schools, observing the rules and boundaries.

I am being tongue in cheek, I have no kids thank god.

So I don't know lol.

I think what the teens struggle with is that they will be allowed to sit in a classroom next Monday with 30 kids their age so can't see why they can't see the same kids socially.

I agree though in this case you may need to check county lines issues

Won’t she be at school/college soon? What’s the difference between what she is doing now? Education, yes. Mental health, no. I wouldn’t report her. Encourage her to be as careful as possible.

I really sympathise with anyone living with teens who believe they are invincible so have no intention of sticking to rules .

It's really not fair on the rest of the family .

However I also sympathise with the teenagers who are living through a situation so unnatural for them , I think they are probably hit hardest by all the no contact rules .

I don't really know what the answer is though .

OH God.

You are the parent, get her back in the dungeon with a chastity belt and no wi fi or money to feck around the place quick!

Euphemism for setting her boundaries. Scuttles away.....

@ohtobeanonymous All part of a total change of character in the past month or so from a new bunch of 'friends' - unexplained money coming in, random outings with various people and only ever late in the afternoon until late at night/the early hours, completely cut herself off from longterm friends

This sends alarm bells ringing. I’ve done safeguarding training and this sounds like grooming. Right now, your DD needs to trust you and not feel judged. Reporting and trying to ground her will only push her even further away from you and into the arms of her new “friends.”

As a side note, I hate how the media and government have caused so many people to accept this crazy, divisive, suspicious, fearful society. The elite are relishing in how the general public fight amongst themselves, blaming each other.

[quote lenaperkins]@Mousehole10
Why can't you discipline your own child?

How old are your kids out of interest? And same question for everyone else who gave iterations of 'ground them' etc.

Do you have any tips and tricks on how to keep two 6ft 7 boys ages 17 and 19 in? Y'know without tying them up, which apparently is illegal. Asking for a friend and all that. I really think a lot of Mumsnet people are clueless when it comes to older teens especially those with and and adhd etc.

Unless you're willing to actually chuck them out there is zero you can do apart from attempt to appeal to their better natures. And as narcissism levels are often high in this age group, they only really think of themselves.

And op - you have my every sympathy

The truth is there is very little you can do. No magic that will transform them into the kind of kids who will listen.

I've been trawling through the old Teenagers threads - especially the posts by a lady called MaryZ, although sadly, many are now deleted, which makes me wonder what happened to these teens. Hope they grew out of this [/quote]
Appreciate the empathy.

I have stopped her allowance (she obviously has been inspired to find ‘alternative income’). Stopping her phone access would trigger a huge anxiety (long story - she’s been having therapy for this)

She does have ADHD but has been refusing to take her medication.

At 16/17 patents are legally responsible but cannot stop children leaving the home/doing whatever they want. If the children of that age are abusive to the patents there is no law to support parents.

She is not a bad kid. I love her to bits. However, she does not ever seem willing to take responsibility for her actions - it’s always someone else’s fault/not her fault because of something else. Every strategy which works with her sister who has grown into a thoroughly delightful and responsible young woman (a year and a half older than her) fails miserably with her. As sisters they get on brilliantly and love each other to bits, but even her older sister is worried and frustrated at her ‘entitled attitude’ (her words).

Everyone is struggling with this pandemic but it doesn’t give anyone license to do whatever they want with no regard for others. I might suggest she chats to my friend who is an icu nurse with the nhs...

I just want her to understand that her choices and actions have an impact.

You can report things online as “a concern” without having to go too many details to the police ... you can also include info here, ie strange behaviour/comings and going’s out the house/and that you suspect she’s receiving money from someone/somewhere. You can also mention there’s been lockdown breaches, but then as her parent, you may become liable if they see fit to issue to fine.

I wouldn’t take away her phone etc. I’d keep an eye on her bank account/bank statements- the unexplained money, and make a huge effort to talk to her, even if it does make her grumpy... take it slowly, she probably will have outbursts, keep trying & don’t react when she pushes you to the extreme.
Good luck.

@ohtobeanonymous stop comparing your DDs! This will only push your DD away and make her feel like the black sheep of the family. This may be why she’s rebelling.

Also, do you know how Hitler took control of Nazi Germany? He turned the people against one another. The media made the people suspicious and snitch on each other. See the similarities?

You'd report your own child? Jesus wept.

I think you are getting a hard time here OP. 17 is plenty old enough to know the consequences. If you have a vulnerable person in your household I can see why you are concerned. Personally for me, if you cannot live by the rules of the household you cannot live in the house (16 +). Harsh for some I know. Can anyone else talk sense into her? Anywhere else she could move to, even temporarily? She is being incredibly selfish and needs to realise this. Yes it's hard, but it's hard for us all.

OP, honestly, you need to find about her alternative source of income. New money and ditching usual friends mixed with challenging behaviour may be indicative of something far more worrying than breaking the Tier’s rules.

You have my utmost sympathy. I have no idea what you can do though, it’s bloody tough. There’s a young adult in my world who could honestly not give a fuck about who was affected by their behaviour.

My son had a strict curfew at 17. He wasn't allowed to roam around town 24 hours a day. And was too responsible at that age to behave like that. Look to your own parenting skills. Dont expect someone else to do your job for you.

This is a classic of what's wrong with the AIBU threads and people's responses.

OP, I think you probably should have put more details of the real concerns here in your original post, though I don't think AIBU is the right place for it.

If she has social services support, what is your invovement with that? Or am I misunderstanding something/is that someone else?

Whether or not that's the case, are there helplines which can signpost you to social services/youth work or an intervention service in your local area?

Is your dd meant to be studying, or does she have a job or training place? Or did she have plans that have been thrown out by the pandemic etc? At 17, if she and her former friends have gone in different directions re education/training, that could be why she's not seeing much of them but her current behaviour is worrying.

How many people are in your household? Are there others in your home? Have there been changes at home other than the change in her behaviour?

Is there anyone in your extended family who might be able to talk to her/get her to talk to them in way you're clearly finding tricky?

My kids are a little bit younger but I've been quite worried about DS1 in the last few months. It wasn't as worrying as what you describe but it was alarming enough to make me gulp reading your posts. DS1 is in year 9 (13 to 14, but his birthday isn't until May so at the young end of that!). But it seems Christmas, Tier 4 and recent events have led to his friends not being allowed out and about nearly as much, and things have calmed down a bit.

My son had a strict curfew at 17. He wasn't allowed to roam around town 24 hours a day. And was too responsible at that age to behave like that. Look to your own parenting skills. Dont expect someone else to do your job for you.

Stop being judgmental, not all children are the same. Lucky you having a well behaved responsible teen.

@madcatladyforever when parents are struggling the worst thing you can do is highlight your perfectly polished halo.