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Original poster

Not seeing parents at Christmas

97 replies

XmasBauble · 28/11/2020 21:48

My household is made up of me (high risk and pregnant), DH and DS (both low risk). We are not bubbled up with anyone. Over Christmas, the only people we could potentially bubble with are my parents. They won't form a bubble with anyone else so we will be within the 3-household rule.

My dilemma is that my parents are only willing to visit us at Christmas after having been to church, and we are not comfortable having close contact with them after they have been around many people. We are therefore planning on telling them that we cannot meet up with them in our house. They will be upset, but I know won't compromise by meeting up outdoors or not going to church.

We have been so careful until now - working from home, all shopping online etc, so want to avoid additional risk now.

Are my concerns OTT?

OP posts:
SomewhereEast · 29/11/2020 12:59

I'm a churchgoer married to someone who helps run a church and IME churches are very very compliant. Numbers are kept small, everyone is rigorously distanced blah blah. The chances of your parents picking up Covid there are absolutely miniscule, but your call obvs

LividJamas · 30/11/2020 14:55

I don’t think you’re being OTT at all, and I am angry on your behalf that they are prioritising church over you.

Original poster
XmasBauble · 30/11/2020 22:15

My parents have always explicitly stated that church comes before family Sad thank you to those who have been able to shed a bit more light on how things are in churches. DH and I will need to have a good think.

OP posts:
Ginseng1 · 30/11/2020 22:34

Totally OTT. Churches are so compliant with distancing & masks. I'm not a church goer but my mum's lifeline is the church I would never make her choose & so glad they open again for those comfortable to go.

Duggeehugs82 · 01/12/2020 20:59

@XmasBauble

My parents have always explicitly stated that church comes before family Sad thank you to those who have been able to shed a bit more light on how things are in churches. DH and I will need to have a good think.
Im sorry to hear that is the case. I do not understand it at all. U have to put urself first , they clearly are. 💗
Original poster
XmasBauble · 15/06/2021 08:58

Hello everyone! Thought I would update this thread.

With the last minute changes in the rules, my parents were not allowed to visit anyway so that problem was solved.

I have since also had my lovely baby Smile we are free for visits every Sunday but my parents still haven't met him as it's church day Sad we can't do any other day in the week as they want DH there too and he works Mon to Fri, and we are normally busy on a Saturday and need a day to recover, do housework etc. It's such a shame, they are both retired so don't have the same time pressures as us.

This year, 24-26 Dec falls over a weekend so there's no point asking if they are coming over the Christmas period. Toddler's birthday is also a Sunday so I know they won't come to that either.

OP posts:
Crowtooyo · 15/06/2021 09:06

I havent read the full thread (and I will) but just seen your update. I really would be letting them come over on a Saturday.

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2021 09:21

Honestly OP you both sound as inflexible as each other.

Original poster
XmasBauble · 15/06/2021 09:30

@BarbarianMum I have offered them to visit any day except Saturday, every week. I think 6 out of 7 days is very flexible!

OP posts:
Mumdiva99 · 15/06/2021 09:38

Congratulations on your baby. I understand your Xmas dilemma.

But.....if you want to see your parents let them come on Saturday. Stop being so inflexible. You are prioritising housework over them. And I do understand the resentment of them prioritising church over you as I have lived with that.my entire life with my mum. Church friends and their need for help are still prioritised over us. I have 2 choices.....cut her off (like you have) or accept it and deal with it. I have done the latter as she really can't understand what she does and I love her. And my dad would never choose to prioritise anything over me...but he has been forced to be like that because of mum. (She has had a difficult life and church has always been the one constant and support that keeps her going).

Just allow them to come on Saturday.

Donatella · 15/06/2021 09:42

Can they not come after church on a Sunday?

Original poster
XmasBauble · 15/06/2021 09:49

@Mumdiva99 it's not just housework but it's one of the things that has to be done before they come, as my mother goes through the house to "help me find ways to improve things" ie criticise. If the housework is not done it will be the only topic of conversation for many hours, followed by several days of texts and emails about her concerns. DH also doesn't have the energy for a 6+ hour visit after working a full week, and I don't either after being mainly responsible for a toddler and newborn for a week. We need some time to recharge before a visit!

And honestly, I just can't see how offering 6 days every week to visit is me being inflexible. There's a point of principle for me here as well.

OP posts:
Original poster
XmasBauble · 15/06/2021 09:49

@Donatella that's what I suggested, they refused. No other activities can take place on a church day.

OP posts:
Jumpingintosummer · 15/06/2021 09:52

Just to clarify they are unwelcome on a Sunday afternoon if they have been to church first?

Not welcome on Saturdays?

Welcome Monday to Friday but they want to come when your husband is there?

Or have I misunderstood?

Jumpingintosummer · 15/06/2021 09:54

Cross post. They won’t come after church?

In that case you genuinely need to decide whether to bend and allow a Saturday or cut contact.

Mumdiva99 · 15/06/2021 09:57

"@Mumdiva99 it's not just housework but it's one of the things that has to be done before they come, as my mother goes through the house to "help me find ways to improve things" ie criticise. If the housework is not done it will be the only topic of conversation for many hours, followed by several days of texts and emails about her concerns. DH also doesn't have the energy for a 6+ hour visit after working a full week, and I don't either after being mainly responsible for a toddler and newborn for a week. We need some time to recharge before a visit!"

So do those things in the week before they come on Saturday. If they said they were coming on Tuesday for example when would you do that stuff? Or Wednesday or Friday?

You are being deliberately difficult because you are pissed off at them. As is your husband who needs time to relax before a visit. That is just rubbish.

Fine to go NC with your parents if that is what you choose for what ever reason. But don't come here moaning about it logistically. If you want support emotionally then say that.....

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2021 10:16

Fine to go NC with your parents if that's what you choose for whatever reason.But dont come here moaning about it logistically.If you want support emotionally then say that.....

Really this ^. I have no idea what power games you and your parents are engaged in but it's not healthy.

beela · 15/06/2021 10:28
  1. What does your dh do for a job that is so exhausting that it means he can't cope with visitors on a Saturday?
  2. Why don't you go and see them? Go on a Sunday and go to church with them. Just take the toddler / baby outside if they get wriggly and it isn't very child friendly.

There are a lot of excuses here, I'm sure you could make it work if both sides really wanted it to.

Original poster
XmasBauble · 15/06/2021 10:30

@Jumpingintosummer yes that's right, they won't come after church and they won't come if DH isn't at home, which only leaves Saturdays - the only day we have said they can't come. I really wish I hadn't used housework as an example as @Mumdiva99 has cottoned on to that now, but for a variety of reasons Saturday doesn't generally work for us to do 6+ hour visits (they won't come for a few hours so we have to keep the whole Saturday clear). This Saturday for example I have a hospital appt, next one my toddler is at a birthday party - and even if we invited them for a few hours on Saturday, they won't come because it's not long enough.

I still think offering visits on 6 days a week is being very flexible so for me, it's also a point of principle.

DH wants us to cut them off as this is the straw that has broken the camel's back. I don't understand why you wouldn't want to meet your grandchild on a Sunday after church, or come during the week just to see your daughter and grandchild Sad

OP posts:
NannyR · 15/06/2021 10:33

So if they were visiting on a Thursday, you would do the housework on the Wednesday, why can't you do the housework on the Friday for a Saturday visit? Can your husband not cope with a six hour visit if he's got all day Sunday to relax afterwards?

NannyR · 15/06/2021 10:34

Cross post

Original poster
XmasBauble · 15/06/2021 10:35

@beela

  1. DH works night shifts so doesn't come home until Saturday AM. My parents expect to arrive about 2 hours after DH comes home.
  1. I would love to do this! But I'm not allowed to visit them without DH as apparently it's inappropriate for a married woman to be visiting without her husband. My toddler and I were uninvited a few years ago to visit them at Easter and go to church with them, as DH couldn't make it.
OP posts:
TheLovelinessOfDemons · 15/06/2021 10:41

I wouldn't risk it, but then I have a shielding adult son I haven't seen in over a year. I get anxious when people don't wear masks or get too close to me in the supermarket, which is probably due to my autism, but I really want to be able to visit my son or have him come over before he dies.

Thewiseoneincognito · 15/06/2021 10:43

What a strange family. 😦

DownWhichOfLate · 15/06/2021 10:53

Find a Saturday when you aren’t busy. You aren’t offering six days, you’re offering one. Such inflexibility from both you and your parents.