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Original poster

Not seeing parents at Christmas

97 replies

XmasBauble · 28/11/2020 21:48

My household is made up of me (high risk and pregnant), DH and DS (both low risk). We are not bubbled up with anyone. Over Christmas, the only people we could potentially bubble with are my parents. They won't form a bubble with anyone else so we will be within the 3-household rule.

My dilemma is that my parents are only willing to visit us at Christmas after having been to church, and we are not comfortable having close contact with them after they have been around many people. We are therefore planning on telling them that we cannot meet up with them in our house. They will be upset, but I know won't compromise by meeting up outdoors or not going to church.

We have been so careful until now - working from home, all shopping online etc, so want to avoid additional risk now.

Are my concerns OTT?

OP posts:
Frazzled2207 · 29/11/2020 08:36

I really don’t think church will be high risk at all will be socially distanced. And in the very unlikely event they catch covid it won’t make them infectious but you could ask them to change their clothes.

Frazzled2207 · 29/11/2020 08:37

@PotteringAlong

I think church will be safer than sainsburys
Indeed went to Sainsbury’s yesterday and it was the most unsafe I’ve felt this whole pandemic. Church will be quiet and very well behaved.
AliMonkey · 29/11/2020 08:39

Do you know what the arrangements are in their church? Any chance they are streaming it on YouTube so you can see for yourself? Just that ours is and I’m pretty sure that if you saw it you would be happy about seeing them as it looks like one of the safest place you could be compared to shops etc - everyone in masks, no one sitting or walking within 2m, windows/doors open, sanitiser, only the band singing and congregation several metres away from them.

Even if they won’t compromise on garden, can you have them over for a drink only in a well-ventilated room as socially distanced as possible with no sharing of food etc?

But ultimately if you aren’t comfortable then that’s your right to say no.

Duggeehugs82 · 29/11/2020 08:40

@lifestooshort123

Having read your update I've changed my mind - YANBU. If they put going to church 3 times over 4 days ahead of seeing their family then let them get on with it. Be relaxed and have Boxing Day with your own little family. Tell them to Skype you when they've got the time.
I agree with this
Original poster
XmasBauble · 29/11/2020 09:28

Thank you all. To answer some questions:

  1. They won't visit on a day where they go to church as they spend hours there, so not enough time to visit. It would be great if they could visit on the 24th before the evening service but they feel they will be too stressed for church with all the running around.
  1. They do most of their shopping in small ethnic shops. In the past they have complained that there is little space and you have to brush past people to walk along the aisles ie no social distancing. When lockdown was lifted, they agreed to visit us after staying away from these types of shops for 2 weeks.
  1. Their church is packed on a normal day. I suspect it will be very full at Christmas so I am concerned about how they can socially distance. There is no YouTube live stream for me to reassure myself.
  1. My parents refuse to meet outside or sit indoors in a ventilated room as it's too cold for them.

If churches really are good at masking, socially distancing etc then I think I'd be ok but my local church has decided to do online services only because they think the risk is too great, so I'm having a hard time getting my head around how their church could be safe.

OP posts:
Teakind · 29/11/2020 09:38

Can you ask them to not go on 24th and spend the day with you instead? Personally, the risk of them being in a church wouldn't bother me but everyone is different. Having said that, the church local to me has a very small number of attendants and is huge.

It's horrible how this situation has created so much awkwardness isn't it. I've got to tell my in laws I don't want to bubble with them as my MIL doesn't take the rules seriously as they've got another relative joining them who is travelling from an area with really high rates. I'm pregnant and have a child with lung issues so it's just too risky in my eyes.

TheRuleofStix · 29/11/2020 09:41

I find it staggering that any parents would prioritise church over seeing their family! Shock

Can’t they just pray at home for one year??

Hoppinggreen · 29/11/2020 09:43

It’s their choice, do they want to go to church or visit you?
Let them decide

Original poster
XmasBauble · 29/11/2020 10:06

Not going to church on the 24th and praying at home is not an option for them. Even though they can go on the 25th and 27th Sad

They take church very seriously. When I was single and living away from home I wasn't allowed to visit on the 24th and 25th as it's church day and they need to fully focus on this, so always spent Christmas with my boyfriend (now DH). Now that they have DGC they still won't visit us on the 25th. They could go to a church 5 mins from us but it's not good enough for them. I hope this helps people understand that church for them is non-negotiable.

OP posts:
Hardbackwriter · 29/11/2020 10:11

@TheRuleofStix

I find it staggering that any parents would prioritise church over seeing their family! Shock

Can’t they just pray at home for one year??

I mean, it is a religious festival?
Hardbackwriter · 29/11/2020 10:14

Their church is packed on a normal day. I suspect it will be very full at Christmas so I am concerned about how they can socially distance. There is no YouTube live stream for me to reassure myself.

I suspect very strongly that, unlike a normal Christmas, they will limit numbers - at our church it's pre-booked only for all services and it means a lot less people can go than normal. I'm sure there are individual exceptions but churches are largely being far, far more cautious than businesses (they can, of course, afford to be).

Duggeehugs82 · 29/11/2020 10:16

@XmasBauble

Not going to church on the 24th and praying at home is not an option for them. Even though they can go on the 25th and 27th Sad

They take church very seriously. When I was single and living away from home I wasn't allowed to visit on the 24th and 25th as it's church day and they need to fully focus on this, so always spent Christmas with my boyfriend (now DH). Now that they have DGC they still won't visit us on the 25th. They could go to a church 5 mins from us but it's not good enough for them. I hope this helps people understand that church for them is non-negotiable.

If u would prefer to spend it alone with ur little family , then they will have to suck it up, considering they excluded u from christmas day while u left home. I think u should do whatever u feel comfortable with.
Frazzled2207 · 29/11/2020 10:17

Given what you’ve said about the broader context, actually Yanbu at all.
I really can’t see if they want to see you why they can’t come earlier in the day on the 24th. They clearly are prioritising church over family. I like going to church at Christmas but won’t be going this year and even if I was it wouldn’t be taking more than 2 hours let alone 3 whole days

Sandyplankton · 29/11/2020 10:29

But the thing is even if they DID contract covid on the 24th, the chances of them being contagious on the 26th are pretty much non existent.

Sandyplankton · 29/11/2020 10:30

I think they ABU prioritising church but that's a different issue really.

Covidnomore · 29/11/2020 10:37

You and baby come 1st.

My 1st though was you were being OTT but with further details I think not seeing them would be the best option.

Teakind · 29/11/2020 10:51

Having read your update, you are definitely not being unreasonable. The choice is theirs.

Ridcully82 · 29/11/2020 10:59

I've been shielding throughout op,and I get it: we are feeling we don't want to start taking unnecessary risks at this stage,with the vaccines so close. On the other hand,when shielding was paused,I went to our local church (it's massive,high roofed, and they whacked open the other doors in August/September fir ventilation) for a couple of services,and several times for private prayer,(also been fir private prayer during this look down)and I felt the safest I have indoors out of the house other than the dentist,but safer than hospital! At ours,at least,feel that sense of care for others lead people to follow the rules,and so many of the congregation tend to be older and therefore more vulnerable that there is an inbuilt awareness. Having said all that,if you've not shielder/been told you ECV to this illness, I don't think you can quite understand the impact practically and mentally:and by extension,if you're not comfortable with it at this stage,your no should be respected. Don't do anything you don't feel comfortable with.

Lelophants · 29/11/2020 11:10

Your parents are being ridiculous.

Lelophants · 29/11/2020 11:10

Also even if you were being ott (and you're not) they should respect your choice and do what makes you feel safe if they want to see you.

RedskyAtnight · 29/11/2020 11:51

Church sounds like a red herring tbh. I think you are really saying that you really want your parents to isolate (or at least engage in minimum interactions at distance - such as going to the large supermarkets). And it sounds like they are not prepared to do that, therefore you don't see each other.

It sounds like your parents are very committed church goers - so chances are they will also go Church on the 20th, which will also leave you vulnerable if they pick up something then.

sandragreen · 29/11/2020 12:14

Given that you are pregnant and high risk, then no, you are not being OTT. Flowers

Longwhiskers14 · 29/11/2020 12:20

I don't think you're being over-cautious at all, as presumably they'll also be attending Sunday worship every weekend too in the run-up to Christmas? Churches open in all tiers from December 2.

CupOfTeaAlonePlease · 29/11/2020 12:45

Your parents are being silly.

YANBU. Be as careful as you like.

GreyishDays · 29/11/2020 12:56

I presume you can’t just pop in on them on the 24th?

What about seeing them morning of the 26th?
You need 48hours from contact to being infectious, so if they go to church pm on the 24th then you’re ok?