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Original poster

Not seeing parents at Christmas

97 replies

XmasBauble · 28/11/2020 21:48

My household is made up of me (high risk and pregnant), DH and DS (both low risk). We are not bubbled up with anyone. Over Christmas, the only people we could potentially bubble with are my parents. They won't form a bubble with anyone else so we will be within the 3-household rule.

My dilemma is that my parents are only willing to visit us at Christmas after having been to church, and we are not comfortable having close contact with them after they have been around many people. We are therefore planning on telling them that we cannot meet up with them in our house. They will be upset, but I know won't compromise by meeting up outdoors or not going to church.

We have been so careful until now - working from home, all shopping online etc, so want to avoid additional risk now.

Are my concerns OTT?

OP posts:

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2021 10:55

Theysound odd as cod. Do you actually want to see them OP or is it more that you want them to want to see you/meet your child?

Are they always "their way or not at all"?

Original poster

XmasBauble · 15/06/2021 11:06

@BarbarianMum I would actually like to see them and meet the baby, and I want them to want it too! But they have always said to me that church comes before family, so really, I shouldn't be surprised. Before DH I spent many family occasions on my own eg Christmas because I wasn't allowed to visit them as they had dedicated the day to church, so I'm annoyed at myself for being upset about this.

It's always been their way or no way and as a result they are estranged from all our extended family, I am the only person still talking to them.

I have in the past offered a couple of hours on a Saturday afternoon but it's not good enough for them. They want to arrive at around 11am and leave at 9pm. It's just not possible and it's not fair of them to expect DH to just not sleep because they demand that he is present too. For the night shift reason alone, Saturdays do not work - never mind everything else we have on.

OP posts:

Notaroadrunner · 15/06/2021 11:14

To be honest, by the sounds of them you're better off not having them visit at all. They are being ridiculous wanting your dh to be there, not passing up one day of church to visit, going through your house and criticising your housework - fuck that! I'd have gone NC long before now given their views and rules. Get on with your own life and stop trying to arrange for them to visit. Do you really want your kids growing up thinking this kind of stuff is normal? I doubt it so for that reason and to maintain your own sanity, it's best to leave them to their church and their pathetic views on marriage.

beela · 15/06/2021 11:16

@XmasBauble what a shame that you can't visit them. Thank you for explaining about the night shifts, that makes more sense of why Saturdays don't work for you now.

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2021 11:20

So it really is their way or the highway. I'm sorry OP they will never be the parents you want or deserve.

If you really want to see them suggest you meet up somewhere neutral one Saturday afternoon. Or ask your dh to use 1 day of holiday mid week. But do it for you, not them. But really, concentrate on your dh and child and friends to make a happy life.

FatCatThinCat · 15/06/2021 11:28

They only want to visit you on a Saturday. Saturday is the only day you don't want them to come. Neither of you want to see each other enough to compromise.

sugarapplelane · 15/06/2021 11:30

They sound barmy!!

Jumpingintosummer · 15/06/2021 11:34

I really feel for you. Your parents have extremely fixed views of ‘family’ and church seems to trump all else. I know how said I would feel in your situation.

Could your parents possibly visit on a Monday when your DH is home? This would be my final offering.

HostaFireAndIce · 15/06/2021 11:55

What sort of Christians are they? I'm not sure why they think they can't do anything else on 'church day'. Work, fine, but seeing family seems an odd one.
I also don't understand why they won't see you without DH.

Original poster

XmasBauble · 15/06/2021 11:56

I realise this is going to sound like I'm making excuse after excuse...

We have offered meeting half way, meeting somewhere neutral etc and they only want to meet at their house. I guess a 6+ hour visit wouldn't be comfortable in public!

Meeting on a Monday would also be a good idea and something we would be happy to facilitate. They want to see my toddler so I could keep him off nursery, and if we don't make the visit too long then DH can have a short sleep before work. But they have already said no to this because they feel that the toddler should be at nursery, and DH needs to rest all day before the new week starts. Ironic that they won't accept that DH actually benefits from the rest at the end of the week ie Saturday!

OP posts:

L123A · 15/06/2021 12:02

I really wouldn’t bother trying to see them - it’s clear it’s their way or nothing. Surely they understand your husband needs to sleep after a night shift

Myalternate · 15/06/2021 12:14

Why do they think it's inappropriate for a married woman to visit without their husband? Is it part of their religious beliefs?

Jumpingintosummer · 15/06/2021 12:24

Given your last response it would appear they block every offer. I would step back snd accept they clearly don’t care enough to compromise on any level. I know that can’t be easy to accept.

FatCatThinCat · 15/06/2021 12:33

It sounds like they don't want to see you. Every suggestion you make is dismissed. In which case, fuck 'em, spend you time with people who actually want to be with you instead.

DownWhichOfLate · 15/06/2021 12:42

Use a Bank Holiday in August.

LoudestCat14 · 15/06/2021 13:18

I understand how frustrating it must be that nothing gets between them and going to church, but you sound equally stubborn about Saturdays! I don't think either of you really want to see each other deep down.

BarbarianMum · 15/06/2021 13:27

OK from your latest update OP it is clear that they are messing with your head. Absolutely nothing you offer is good enough, you either do exactly what they say or they will.not.agree.

So I take back my earlier comment about you being as bad as each other. Many apologies, it really isnt you. I suggest you get yourself over to the Stately Homes thread on Relationships board your parents would fit in there nicely (it's all about toxic and disfunctional families if you've not seen it).

You may find that having a child of your own makes you re-evaluate your parents and your childhood (it did me) and that can be very difficult and painful. Don't hesitate to seek support from a counsellor if you need to. It's very easy to unquestioningly accept your childhood family as normal til you have your own, when you realise they are a thing but.

woodfort · 15/06/2021 13:50

When did they normally used to see you? Assuming they have met your older child, what days did they come around then?

This whole thing about it being “inappropriate” for a married woman to travel without her husband would make me less inclined to make an effort to see them but if you do want to, find a Saturday you are free? Surely there are some you don’t have play dates and birthday parties on? - ignore the rest, about the cleaning and your DH needing a rest after work because the cleaning can mostly be done on a Friday and this is a one off anyway. Surely to goodness you can find one or two Saturdays you can offer them? Then at least you’ve made an effort and if they can’t see you, well fine.

Original poster

XmasBauble · 16/10/2021 09:45

I forgot to update this thread.

My parents came to visit our baby 5 weeks after birth, on a Sunday afternoon after church. This was after they sent messages and crying voicemails saying they never said they couldn't come on a Sunday and don't understand why I am keeping them away. I sent them a screenshot of their own text message a few weeks earlier where they said they would only come to visit us on a Sunday if it was for something important.

Once here they criticised our parenting of our older son ("he's laughing and playing but you can tell in his eyes there is deep sadness because you don't pay enough attention to him") and as usual, refused to leave at the agreed time, meaning they were sat on their own in the living room while I was putting the baby to bed and DH gave toddler his dinner. They then got up and left without saying goodbye, and sent us 4 follow-up messages about toddler's deep sadness and a request to sit on our driveway for two hours in their car, with my 5 week old baby and toddler with them, so they can spend time with the children without us!

I am totally done with them and haven't spoken to them in 3 months.

OP posts:

Siriisatwat · 16/10/2021 09:59

Oh bloody hell OP, your update!

My PIL do all that shit too, saying how sad my children look. Dh used to point out that the baby was sleeping and dd was happily playing and laughing. So then we would get, “it’s a deep sadness only grandparents can see”. I actually burst out laughing when that was said. You can imagine how that went down.

Due to things like that and other bigger issues, I don’t see them anymore, I haven’t got time for other peoples weirdness.

You have my sympathy, it must be even harder when it’s your own parents.

altmember · 16/10/2021 10:17

I'd respond with "You raised me, so any failure in my parenting is down to failures in the way you parented me. Goodbye".

Original poster

XmasBauble · 16/10/2021 11:39

@Siriisatwat love the name! Yes it's hard as it's my own parents. They seem to thrive on drama and can conflict, see themselves as superior and I just can't be bothered anymore.

@altmember there's no point wasting time with them. They have told me that they were good parents, never did anything wrong so can't work out why I have turned out the way I have.

OP posts:

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