I can't take this anymore

[anonymous229]

I just don't have the energy for anything. Today has been cold, grey and miserable and there's nowhere to fucking go because everywhere is closed. Yes there's the local park but I've been there about 500 times since March and I'm bored sick of it.

How much longer can they keep us in this fucking awful state? I've had enough, I'm drained, I'm depressed as hell.

We've sacrificed so damn much for a virus that kills about 1% of people who catch it. I know that sounds callous but I'm facing the loss of my job (I'm self employed in events - ha!) and potentially my home because of this. The toll it's taken on my mental health is disastrous, but I feel like me and my family (and other families like us) are just collateral in all of this.

I know people will probably say things like we're lucky to be alive, but I don't feel lucky.

I can't live like this any longer.

Also, in terms of your baby being born in very different financial circumstances from what you wanted - little children don't really know or care. My two lived in hand me downs as tinies and our days out were picnics in the park but they have such happy memories of those years.

I totally get how you feel. I gave birth 2 weeks ago. I have no idea whatsoever how I am going to survive the winter with a newborn, a 2 year old, zero family around as they live in Ireland (no idea when they will meet their granddaughter), and I am reluctant to take the newborn out if its pissing rain and freezing cold, so I will just be stuck inside unable to speak to another adult all week. I do feel insane anger at the whole situation, but there is absolutely nothing I can do, which makes me feel even angrier. I am also sick of people saying I should just feel lucky I am alive. Bull. There is more to life than just breathing. My 2 year old has spent 1/3 of her life seeing nobody except us. She doesnt knew her grandparents anymore.

I am just aiming to survive til March without slipping into horrendous PND like I did on my last baby. If I get through this winter with my sanity somewhat intact, it will be as good as I could have hoped for. I will just focus on my 2 year old finally seeing my mother in real life rather than a screen.

it wont be years pikachu not with a vaccine coming soon one year max i would say

@anonymous229

It doesn’t help that DH and I are both so exhausted and stressed that we don’t seem to communicate well at all anymore. We essentially just snap at each other. It makes me feel even more sad and alone.

OP you have been given a handful of duff cards and then some more, new baby, job worries, money worries, health worries have all come full force at the same time. I don't mean that to sound depressing but one of them on their own will test a relationship, let alone them coming at you like bowling balls down an alley.

Be kind to yourselves, and hang in there, many of us have done so by the tips of our fingers, you are not alone in that.

I’m sorry for how this pandemic has effected you OP, there’s no denying that this has been difficult for so many on all different levels! I’ll share what has helped me and my mental health. I don’t feel I can take a day at a time as a day seems to long right now. I use a notebook and write down what I want to do in 2 hour intervals. I then tick off what I’ve done and write the next 2 hours. I include mundane things like getting washing out of the machine or having a shower, drinking a cup of tea while it’s still hot! And I include exercise either indoors or out. I also text or ring one person everyday. Being able to tick off things makes me feel I’ve accomplished more, BUT if I don’t achieve what I want to in that slot I make sure not to beat myself up over it. I don’t watch endless News items and sometimes I’ll deliberately miss a couple of days if it’s effecting my mood. I try my best to end the day by doing something I like e.g watch a film or read a good book. I am a Christian so I say a prayer before I go to sleep which helps me relax. I know it’s hard, very hard, my friend bought a punch bag which she beats up several times a day since losing her husband to Covid, she knows she needs to lash out and it helps her! She will get through it, and so will you with strategy, love and support 💐

@PuzzledObserver

You are not just collateral, OP - you are a victim of this pandemic. The difference between you and the people who died is that you have the opportunity to recover while they don’t.

Of course it won’t be easy, and may take a long time - but you can get through this and things can get better. Try to identify things that make it a bit less shit. Do talk to your doctor. Don’t give up.

This is not true, the op is the victim of the cruel and nonsensical rules, lockdowns and restrictions, not of the pandemic.

@anonymous229 oh my gosh, I am so sad and yet so relieved to see your post this evening. I'm in a very similar boat. Totally done. I hate that there are others who feel like this, but it is almost nice to know I'm not alone. Had a baby last lockdown, also have a toddler and a 5 year old. I'm arguing with my husband like you wouldn't believe, because it turns out he's an unsupportive prick who doesn't want to hear about how hard I'm finding life right now. Apparently he liked me only when my life was going swimmingly and I didn't have cause to complain. Now that I'm feeling almost suicidal he doesn't want to listen at all.

Earlier I walked out for the first time in my life. He was with the kids so I knew they were safe, but I just couldn't cope with him or this shit anymore. I'm sick of our house. I'm sick of the same activities and same fucking walk every day. I walked out and sat on my own for half an hour, just thinking about whether my life has enough fucking value left to bother carrying on. Of course it does, for the sake of my kids, but for me? No. If it wouldn't affect my kids I'd just give up now.

Talk about hammering home how unimportant stay at home mums are. All non-essential things are shut - which basically equates to my whole life. My life is made up of non-essentials. Fuck that. The ONLY thing left is the supermarket shop, but given I don't feel it's all that safe to drag a newborn and a licky toddler around a shop right now, even that I do online.

@EyelinerRocks your days sound just like mine. The babies have even stopped napping in synch, so no small break for me. Entertain kids, cook, clean, entertain kids... its shit. And my GP is also useless. GPs are not coming out of this looking good. They're next to useless for everything right now.

OP I so so so relate to your post and just want to give you a huge virtual hug and I'm so sorry you feel so awful.

Honestly every single thing you have complained about is a totally valid thing to complain about. It absolutely blows my fucking mind that anyone doesn't understand, in fact I think they cannot possibly be genuine. Just all this wide eyed faux wokeness about being selfless and doing what's necessary and blitz spirit bollocks.

If you had allowed me in the first week of March to look into he future and see that it would be illegal to see my friends, that my daughter would have missed 6 months of her reception year, that I wouldn't have seen my parents for the entire of 2020 (live too far away for a socially distanced visit), that I would have to wear a facemask in every public indoor place (and it would be considered selfish and 'right wing' to say anything negative about doing it), that my daughter who was just almost able to swim on her own without holding the instructors hand wouldn't be dipping her toe back into the pool for the remainder of the year.... And these sound like trivial things I can't even complain about losing a job and I am SO sorry for you. But even these trivial things would have been a heartbreaking prospect to most people.

And then for someone complaining to be told to make a tent in their living room and enjoy baking and being cosy and maybe they needed to see their GP....

Utter utter bollocks. I am so with you.

@anonymous229

I just don't have the energy for anything. Today has been cold, grey and miserable and there's nowhere to fucking go because everywhere is closed. Yes there's the local park but I've been there about 500 times since March and I'm bored sick of it.

How much longer can they keep us in this fucking awful state? I've had enough, I'm drained, I'm depressed as hell.

We've sacrificed so damn much for a virus that kills about 1% of people who catch it. I know that sounds callous but I'm facing the loss of my job (I'm self employed in events - ha!) and potentially my home because of this. The toll it's taken on my mental health is disastrous, but I feel like me and my family (and other families like us) are just collateral in all of this.

I know people will probably say things like we're lucky to be alive, but I don't feel lucky.

I can't live like this any longer.

I refuse to do it anymore. It's a charade. No matter what hoops we jump through we're told it's not enough. Its bollocks and not worth my mental health or my child's emotional well being.

I've read the data and seen the hospitals I work at empty apart from the usual winter increase in patients on those specific wards. I've stopped watching the news and come off social media for now.

I've stopped wearing a mask and use what is available as a way of filling the days. Today we got up and went for a walk around the supermarket (before it got busy so no b**tard queue), got a day rider and rode the bus to town, walked around, bus home for lunch, bus to a park a bit further away from home, bus home, drove to my bf's and let my child explore his house and garden, came home and then walked to the local shop before supper time. Tomorrow we'll be going to my parents for part of the day. I need social contact to stay sane. Zoom was fun in March hate the thing now.

If the travel ban gets lifted I'll be straight on a plane (courtesy of my credit card as has zero financial support during lockdown as I'm a locum and not directly employed) with DS to somewhere hot that is being sensible about something that barely effects anyone under 80, even if that involves taking him out of school.

Take care and do what you need to to get through it x

Can you not enjoy being indoors, cosy and warm? I don't 'get' the obsession with going out. Of course we need fresh air and a degree of exercise but it is lovely being indoors too, doing your own thing or doing nothing, sitting in your dressing gown all day if you want.

It's been eight fucking months, I don't want!

It reminds me a bit of when people went on about how mat leave with a tiny baby was lovely because you can 'just sit on the sofa watching netflix', so I wondered why being trapped under a baby all day felt like house arrest not luxury and whether there was something wrong with me. Then those women all whinged endlessly about how having a mobile baby meant getting up off their arses and I realised they were actually just naturally lazy. Anyone who is still enjoying 'a day doing nothing in your dressing gown' at this point, when we've had precious few other options for most of a year - maybe it's your lack of motivation in life that should concern you rather than the fact the OP doesn't feel the same?

Lockdown is shit - seemed like massive amounts of building work was going on around me the first time and you couldnt get away from the noise. This time the weather is miserable and we are all, I should think, sick of the same walks.

Still it does help to try and focus on the positive. Vaccines are coming and the government is finally sending vitamin D supplements into care homes. That should be helpful in itself. Are you taking vitamin D supplements, because you need them too and they also help mood. Events will be back and there will be massive pent up demand, especially for weddings. What can you do now to be ready for them? The government will be allowing them just as fast as they can and certainly when the weather begins to warm up. I'd suggest you signed up for a job with the census next year but you may be too busy for that.

Young children are one of the most susceptible to flu. We may not get much of a flu season this year (New Zealand and Australia didnt really have one) so by staying away from people not only are you being a hero you are protecting your baby.

You just need to get through the next 12 weeks and everything is going to start looking a lot better.

@OP
www.healthline.com/health/mental-health/toxic-positivity-during-the-pandemic

So sorry you are going through this. You are not alone ferling like this.

The next person to offer you a fireside hot chocolate - feel free to cover them with it. ToxicPollyana. I think a name change is in order.

Because I truly don’t believe my business will be recovered by then - if at all. DH and I are likely to be very short of money by next summer. The future just looks terrifying and I feel so sad that I can’t give my DC the secure and stable life that I thought I could.

I get that. I'm sorry. It must feel so horribly overwhelming. It is so unfair.

I think you just need to feel what you feel - everyone is in a different situation. I think there is so much hope for after people are vaccinated but that's so easy to type on an online forum. It doesn't change how desperate you're feeling now.

What you do need to do is just get through these horrible days because you are needed and loved and wanted, I'm sure. I try and remember how many people in previous generations have picked themselves up after the most awful traumas. Humans are so incredibly resilient even though sometimes so much is asked of us.

And no one can tell you if you'll have to retrain or whether there will be something of your business left after all this but if you had the skills to make a business work, you have the skills and strengths to eventually get through this too. Next summer is next summer. Just do now, for now, and try not to think too far ahead. I can only come back to saying you're doing so well and this is so shit.

This is not true, the op is the victim of the cruel and nonsensical rules, lockdowns and restrictions, not of the pandemic

@HumanFemale1 nails it here.

[quote Sb2012]@Genevieva
“ are just as relevant as the experiences of a family hit by the virus.”

So you think losing a loved one to this virus is a similar experience to feeling sad because you can’t leave the house or go out and socialise. Or worse case scenario losing a home or job? Which would only be temporary if it was to happen and there would be support available if it did happen.[/quote]
If that loved one is over 80 (which is the average age of a covid death), then of course it is, don't be silly.

80 year olds die every single day, covid or no covid, and in what world is losing a home temporary? Get a grip

‘ My understanding is that new mother support groups are allowed to run.’

A group of 10 new mums convened in our local park for an open air socially distant meeting. A ring of buggies with a variety of toddlers siblings, wee babies & mums, all well wrapped up, sat in a large circle. Rugs & quilts laid out on the ground of inner circle.. Two facilitators getting the groove going. Looked like great fun.Very pleased to this happening.

Today the local pub opposite the park entrance was selling off-licence pints & litre containers of beer.At least a half dozen friend groups spread through the grounds having an outside beer. All very well behaved. Again, good to see people making the best of the restrictions.

@hardbackwriter OMG yes. So many people I have met who "actually don't mind lockdown" are people who actually are quite enjoying having an excuse to live in this alternate reality for as long as possible where they don't have to do much.

I have a sibling who hasn't worked since March. He was unemployed before then and felt awful stress/ anguish/ shame about it - not that he should have felt that. But now he is stress free. Because this year has been terrible for everyone and so many people are unemployed and he doesn't feel in any way responsible for that anymore.

This is one of the saddest threads I've ever read on here. That's because everyone is suffering in some way, and needless imo.
I won't bore you with my own problems, I am in a warm house and have a steady income, but believe me i have them

I think 'making the best of' has worn very thin.I dont want a litre of beer in a field or some ghastly ring of competitive mummies in a freezing quagmire

I feel the same. I’ve never felt beaten like this ever and yet had to deal with far worse.

I realise what normally keeps me going through grief and more - it’s being busy, getting out and about being with other people, talking etc

This has all been stripped away now. None of my coping mechanisms are left.

Oh OP, same! I wish there was a magic key for all of us. I've got a 3 week old baby and honestly have felt so trapped by all the fucking restrictions that it almost feels physically suffocating at times. I hate, hate, HATE it all. Just trying to take it one day at a time, that's all we can do. Hugs.

I get you OP 💐 If you have family nearby who can visit you at home for support, do it. Your mental health is important.

I feel the same. Just fed up with it.
I believe covid is going more damage, generally, to us, our lives, our jobs, our children, than the actual getting the flu type disease itself.

mangomemory you need to wear a mask on the bus, or do you pretend you have lung problems so don’t wear one ?

It’s horrible, luckily I still have a job for now.
I agree it’s depressing and annoying, hopefully with vaccine soon, things will improve.
Take care x