I can't take this anymore

[anonymous229]

I just don't have the energy for anything. Today has been cold, grey and miserable and there's nowhere to fucking go because everywhere is closed. Yes there's the local park but I've been there about 500 times since March and I'm bored sick of it.

How much longer can they keep us in this fucking awful state? I've had enough, I'm drained, I'm depressed as hell.

We've sacrificed so damn much for a virus that kills about 1% of people who catch it. I know that sounds callous but I'm facing the loss of my job (I'm self employed in events - ha!) and potentially my home because of this. The toll it's taken on my mental health is disastrous, but I feel like me and my family (and other families like us) are just collateral in all of this.

I know people will probably say things like we're lucky to be alive, but I don't feel lucky.

I can't live like this any longer.

My GP and HV are both really unapproachable, I don't feel comfortable speaking to them about depression or anything like that. I have to psyche myself up to ring the GP about physical things because she's so dismissive!

Please try switching to a new GP. I think you sound so low and - coupled with how you found the birth and feeling panicked by it a bit still - you really do need to look after your mental health and not feel dismissed. GPs have different strengths and some will suit some patients better than others. Please don't give up on getting some help for your mood - it is TOTALLY OK to not be coping brilliantly right now.

And I agree. It's all shit. Though this might amuse you - as I was walking the dog earlier (through the same bloody muddy park), there were a couple of people with prams and babies and I was thinking to myself that it wouldn't be so bad to have a baby in lockdown because at least there'd be a legitimate reason to get up and keep going every day, and also a reason to say fuck the housework and sit on the sofa cuddling. I was feeling extremely sorry for myself because my DC didn't want to come for (another bloody muddy) walk, my house is an absolute shit tip absolutely everywhere you look and I've no energy to do anything about it. And anything that would make me feel better isn't available. Apart from wine, which is not a great coping strategy, and especially not at 11am. But I can absolutely see that actually having a baby this year is not at all ideal. We're all just focused on our own miserable lives right now and it's awful.

I think if you run a successful events business you have brilliant skills - it's my idea of a nightmare job so I'm in awe of you. You will be able to make a success of whatever you decide, keep the faith.

OP there is nothing anyone can say to make you feel better but I just wanted to say that you're not alone.

We can expect to die in our 80s

Correct, so bring it forward a few months , why not? Great idea.

Thank you again to everybody who’s taken the time to respond so kindly.

And @ladybird69 - that’s terrible, I’m so sorry for your loss.

@Northernsoullover

Speak to your GP. They might be able to help. Its around 3-4% fatality rate though. I'm utterly miserable with it too. I totally get why we can't mix unchecked though.

It's really not a 3-4% fatality rate. That's long since been changed by all official papers and research. Please check your facts.

@PinkOrchids7

The people that don’t mind lockdown are the ones who have a stable income and a nice warm house. They ignore the people that have lost their jobs or on a tiny income due to furlough. They ignore the people in flats that are losing their minds. They ignore the people that live alone.

Yup - people with established families and safe (or so they like to think) jobs that can be done from home while waiting for the Ocado delivery.

It doesn’t help that DH and I are both so exhausted and stressed that we don’t seem to communicate well at all anymore. We essentially just snap at each other. It makes me feel even more sad and alone.

@anonymous229

Of course it won’t be easy, and may take a long time - but you can get through this and things can get better.

That’s the thing - I’m not sure I believe that anymore. The first lockdown was shit enough, but this second one has finished me off.

Hang in there, OP. 12 days to go.

I'm sorry OP and I hear you. This is just relentlessly shit and I think so many people feel the same as you (even if many also aren't struggling). It is so very tough to be in this boat with a baby too and to know you're losing something like a job or a house is just awful. You have every right to your feelings.

I am hating this too.The thing I am doing when I am at my lowest is trying to visualise next summer because I do feel optimistic about that. I am making myself think of having fun again, of being with people I care about, of the pandemic being largely behind us. It doesn't make it ok, it won't take away what so many have lost but it is guaranteed that this is all going to get better for society as a whole. I think with some sunshine and spring lots of people will feel a new energy in terms of picking themselves up from personal losses and job losses etc because that's life isn't it - most people thankfully find a way through big things and find happiness again. It's about finding whatever ways we all can to get through this a day at a time for now. I'm focusing on a couple of weeks at a time and keeping myself as busy as I can (I appreciate that's much harder with a new baby)

And for what it's worth, as far as I'm concerned anyone in your shoes should feel free to break the rules and meet up with others. As long as you're careful, you need to be talking to other humans and putting things in the diary to look forward to. Do whatever you need to keep yourself alive and well. You absolutely matter too. It definitely isn't all about Covid. The numbers of people ill are coming down, deaths are dropping and there is some leeway for people to mix more if they really need to.

You keep going - I think you're doing amazingly under extremely difficult circumstances.

I'm burned out a miserable too, OP. Also just here to say that you're not alone in being sad and worn down.

I can't believe how many people are being dismissive of the events business - I used to be an in-house event planner, and contracted with some external event companies and the contracts were huge $2m or more. It was a solid and secure business to be in!

...I'm facing the loss of my job (I'm self employed in events - ha!) and potentially my home because of this.

Are you single OP? Have you researched any benefits you might be entitled to if you lose your job? I know you may not think you're up to it ATM but it might help you to understand that even if you did lose your job, there is financial assistance in place, more assistance than pre covid. Help with money for food, bills and the roof over your head, whether renting or buying. My understanding is that many claims for Universal Credit, HB, mortgage help etc are being dealt with quicker than before covid

@anonymous229

Thanks *@Cantata* - your post made me laugh and cry!

Oh, OP, I am glad I made you laugh (I can't make myself laugh much at the moment), but definitely didn't want to make you cry

Though I feel like crying again at the thought of retraining as a book-keeper. I'm sitting at a desk about four inches deep in important bits of paper, receipts, gig cancellations, etc, etc, etc. The reason I have an accountant is so that he can make sense of this sea of paper once I deliver it to him in a large cardboard box.

Only I now don't need an accountant as I have no earnings this year. On the bright side, I won't need to pay him so someone else is shafted by this bloody lockdown, too

The thing I am doing when I am at my lowest is trying to visualise next summer because I do feel optimistic about that.

That’s the thing, I don’t. Because I truly don’t believe my business will be recovered by then - if at all. DH and I are likely to be very short of money by next summer. The future just looks terrifying and I feel so sad that I can’t give my DC the secure and stable life that I thought I could.

@Xenia

It is the gross breach of human rights and states' legislative measures relating to CV19 which are destroying lives other than those featherbedded by furlough or state workers. Everyone taking the decisions is sitting pretty paid by the state form Boris J to all the serious medical people to Rishi S. We will not forget this. We have been sleep walking into a police state since March just to save the old and sick who were going to die anyway. the UK loses 600k people through death every year. Covid is only 70k deaths.

You're incredibly uninformed about the reality of being on furlough or working in the public sector Xenia presumably because the reality of facing redundancy, job losses and having had substantial pay cuts in real terms of the last 10 years doesn't fit your deluded right wing narrative.

It'll be all the doctors, nurses, teachers, road sweepers that you're patronising calling 'state workers'. You know, those along with essential transport, deliver and retain staff that have kept the country going since March.

Everyone is going to 'die anyway' - what a stupid argument.

anonymous229 it's devastating to be losing everything that you've worked for and for your relationship to be so miserable, especially with a new baby in the mix.

Devastating to have to watch the future that you envisaged slip away from you.

Devastating to feel that things will only get worse.

I do get that.

BUT your reasons for, for example, not feeling able to contact your GP scream 'depression' to me. Of course some GPs are rubbish, of course some receptionists don't have great people skills, but believing that nothing can or will change is so symptomatic of depression.

I do hope that you find some way of getting some help. Your despair comes over so strongly in your posts.

Take care and sending all good wishes.

A few weeks back I was getting so wound up with every little thing , my DC are good kids but every little noise / screech / bicker was setting me on edge.

I actually thought for the first time in my life , this is not normal to be so tense and on edge and irritable.
I thought it could be anxiety as was getting to the point of tight chest etc.
So called the doctor ... and called the doctor ... and called the doctor and couldn’t get through. Phone line engaged literally all day then get a pre recorded message to say surgery very busy to only call for emergency appointments.

I’ve just given up
I can’t even get through to reception to ask for anxiety pills so I’m just trying to cope.

I do not have the time to sit on a phone and press ring back with the kids here.

I’m usually very content and level.
In recent weeks I’ve felt really low and deflated.

For the person who said many posts ago “ do you not want to just sit and have cosy days and camp in living room “

Holy fuck , my house is cosy as fuck thanks but I’ve got three kids I don’t get a minute to sit and watch cosy films, my days are spent separating kids / tidying / cooking / cleaning / laundry - REPEAT FUCKING REPEAT

camp in the living room nae bother

@anonymous229

The thing I am doing when I am at my lowest is trying to visualise next summer because I do feel optimistic about that.

That’s the thing, I don’t. Because I truly don’t believe my business will be recovered by then - if at all. DH and I are likely to be very short of money by next summer. The future just looks terrifying and I feel so sad that I can’t give my DC the secure and stable life that I thought I could.

It does seem unfair that some are making money out of the pandemic whilst other people/business are going under. I guess ‘we are all in it together’ only goes so far 😢

It is shit OP

I have lots of friends who worked for the cruise industry.. everyone lost their job!

The people on here who say it’s nice to snuggle must have financial security and very rich inner lives not to need friends or conversation or a change of scene ever.

I felt so low yesterday evening I just had a cry and went to bed at 8pm

I don’t want bloody anti-depressants I want my freedom back

But as they mentioned going straight back into lockdown again after Christmas I now feel that we’ll be in and out of lockdown for months (years?) and I cannot help but mentally rage against that

Whilst keeping calm and carrying on for the family

it’s tiring and dispiriting

'But as they mentioned going straight back into lockdown again after Christmas I now feel that we’ll be in and out of lockdown for months (years?) and I cannot help but mentally rage against that'

There's vaccines coming soon..

@anonymous229 Bless you. I just really worry how this is going to leave us all because of the mishandling of the situation. Take care ❤️

I am so sorry Op. What an impossible combination of circumstances.
But there will be a brighter future ahead. I promise

Firstly please find a new GP or if not then please at least talk to someone on a helpline or similar. You sound like me at the depths of my PND when I just couldn't find a glimmer of joy or hope in anything. And that isn't a criticism, just a plea to seek help because there is so much that can be done

Secondly, I really do think (and so do most drs etc I talk to) that once the vaccine is rolled out the world will fairly swiftly return to normal - certainly by next summer

It's a hard few months ahead but by the time spring appears I think we will be seeing green shoots (literally and figuratively)

I'm so sorry, OP. It's been a horrendously difficult time for so many.

Re vaccines/restrictions - from what I've read/heard, things are likely to get back to 'near normal' probably by late spring/summer, all going well. Sorry if that's not what you hope to hear. I found it much easier to handle the thought of a time-frame with a definite ending in sight, even if it is a few months down the line.

Take it a day at a time. An hour at a time, sometimes.

If you've managed to set up in business already, you have the drive, ideas, skills and wherewithal to do it again. It may seem insurmountable just now - things will change. Trust me.

Also, I feel for you with a small babe, the first year is such a year of intensity and hormones and tiredness (at least, it was for me). Please be gentle with yourself. Wishing you all the best.

It doesn’t help that DH and I are both so exhausted and stressed that we don’t seem to communicate well at all anymore. We essentially just snap at each other. It makes me feel even more sad and alone.

OP have you have a chat with him and told him how low you are? If you knew you had his support, and you could work together as a team to get back on your feet, I’m sure you’d feel better than you do now.

Well I was coping fine, even with the gym shutting again (really need it for my anxiety), until the DC all tested positive and we all had to self isolate. So not going out out the house AT ALL, together with panicking that they may become very ill from it because you don’t know until you get it!

It’s unbelievable how not be able to just go out for a 10 minute walk affects you mentally as well as being constantly surrounded by annoying, whingeing DC and DH! As well as worrying about food running out before we find another delivery, oh and being pariahs in the community as DS’s whole school year had to be sent home to self isolate and concerned he may have spread it unknowingly.

So yeah, it’s shit (but at least I have and ).

OP I get it too - am also on mat leave and every day is like groundhog day. I'm grateful my baby is healthy and happy but this isn't what I envisioned maternity leave to be like. It's actually easier to be in lockdown if you don't have children as you only have yourself to entertain...throw in a young baby and it's twice as hard. I'm having counselling due to PND and it really helps...I'd recommend contacting your GP and asking to be referred. You'll be prioritised being post-natal. It really helps to be able to moan at someone for an hour a week who is being paid to listen to you! But apart from that, just try and get through each day and we'll all come out the other side. It is shit though and I resent this whole thing....